A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My bf of 2 years recently proposed to me, and I'm not sure if my emotional reaction to it is worrying or not? Basically, I didn't feel particularly happy or excited when he asked me, just confused, wondering why he's asked me, what's motivated him. I'm still feeling that way, and I'm not sure if that's a bad sign or not :(He's mentioned moving in together since our 6 month anniversary, and I've been putting him off until the last few months, when I felt ready for us to move in together. So we've found a place we like, and are just waiting to sign the contract next month and move in. He's really happy about it, but I'm worried moving in together will lead to complacency and being taken for granted in the relationship. I know he has money worries, so we've not been out on dates or anything recently, and I'm already starting to feel like I'm the one making all the effort, like to suggest fun (and free!) stuff to do together.And, I guess our sex life has also taken a bit of a dip. I feel like I'm the one initiating things most of the time, as he is working long shifts and just wants to cuddle me and sleep whenever we're in bed together. I've talked to him about this, and he doesn't see it as a problem, he says it's natural to have highs and lows in your sex life and that things will pick up in time, but we've never been through a dip like this before and it makes me feel unattractive to him somehow :(I love being around him, just seeing his face makes me smile, and I have never thought of being with anyone else. I feel very happy with him, apart from the more recent concerns above.We've talked about marriage before, and I've always told him it's not something that interests me and never has been, but he's the first bf I've ever had (and I've been in long term relationships before) where I've felt like I could be happy with him for the rest of my life. He has always been keen on marriage, and has talked about it for at least a year.So, he proposed last week, out of the blue. It was our 2 year wedding anniversary, and I was completely shocked. I'd been feeling our relationship was becoming more unstable and less happy (as above), so a marriage proposal was not at all what I was expecting. I didn't believe him at first, then he produced a ring, which is so generous of him, I know. I accepted his proposal, but felt numb the whole time. I still do. I don't feel happy, excited, any of those things you're meant to feel (I think). But I guess I feel a bit more secure, a bit less worried about the issues above. I just keep wondering what has motivated him to propose now.He tells me he is happier than ever with me, and that he wants the world to know it. There are no trust issues between us, and everything else is good, so what is wrong with me?? I've never been married before, although have been cheated on in long term relationships previously, and I just want to feel happy about this scenario, not numb and indifferent like I do. Now that we're engaged, I have absolutely no interest in thinking about an actual wedding...that's not right, is it? I love him, I don't picture myself ever leaving him, I'd love for us to have a family together someday (he's pretty broody at the moment) but I'm just not into getting married :( He'd like a 2-3 yr engagement to give us time to save up for a ceremony/honeymoon, and all I can think is I'd rather we save up to go travelling together.What should I do? Thanks for reading.x
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male
reader, eddie85  +, writes (26 September 2012):
 I sense you have many mixed emotions about this turn of events in your relationship. There is so much going on here that it isn't much of a surprise that you are feeling overwhelmed and confused.
On one point, marriage has never been terribly important to you. I think your reaction is therefore fairly obvious. If you've already written marriage off as not a major milestone in your life, and all of the sudden it drops in your lap, why would you feel any differently than you do now?
Yes, relationships and love life does go through many ups and downs. It sounds like your boyfriend is working hard and often times stress and long hours can kill a couple's love life. Given that he is working hard, I can understand why he doesn't have the energy to go the extra mile with you. Living on a shoe string budget isn't much fun either.
I think at this point you have to ask yourself if you DO want to be married. Are you willing to make a lifelong commitment to this man? Is he open to the idea of continuing the relationship without a marital commitment? Does he want to start a family and if so, are you on board with that?
I think it is time for you to be do some soul searching. In addition, YOU are being asked and the big question is: are you accepting? You do a have a right to answer one way or another and hopefully you can find an answer you can live with. Only you can make that decision but I think you need to think about what you are committing to and all the risks and benefits that comes with it.
Good luck
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