A
female
age
36-40,
*ubblygirl
writes:I really need advice as I've backed myself into a corner. I recently broke up with my boyfriend after I realized he'd been emotionally abusing me, lying to me, cheated (via email and asking for a girls number at a bar) and one time pushing me and destroying my stuff. I had been happy and kept myself busy by taking up new things like new courses, biking, crafting and joining a book club. The problem is, now he's been talking to me since he owes me money from a condo we purchased together. He's been super nice like the guy I knew when I met him. He's charming and thoughtful again and I find myself pulling back. Deep down I know this might not be good but it feels good again. My friends were furious when they found out I saw him a few times and now won't talk to me but I need clarity, not to be ignored and yelled at/gossiped about. What do I do? I'm so confused!
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broke up, emotionally abusive, money Reply to this Question
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male
reader, Serpico  +, writes (5 July 2012):
1 - Get your money.
2 - Never speak to him again.
3 - Count your blessings that you never had children w this guy so he can actually be out of your life forever.
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (5 July 2012):
 Personally if it's a large amount of money he owes you, get a lawyer and make it happen.
DO not reconcile with him. Once he has you back in his grasp he will go back to abusing you...
I speak from personal experience. You are young, do not waste your life with an abusive man, no matter what the abuse is... emotional, mental, physical, sexual,.... DOES NOT MATTER...abuse is abuse.... and if you are OUT of the relationship, stay out...
yes it's nice when they are behaving... but they always go back to being abusive.... because we've let them do it before and they suffer no consequences from it.
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A
female
reader, jinxx +, writes (5 July 2012):
 There's a reason he's being super nice to you, and it's not a genuine one. What has gone on between you two was too far, and you made the right decision to get out. Your friends are understandably angry - I imagine they were there for you throughout all of that going down - but they shouldn't have dropped you.
Get your money, and get on with your life. It's normal to miss people and want what we had with them, even if it was bad. We'll convince ourselves it wasn't that bad. If you reunite with him, I honestly believe you'll be right back where you started from.
I assume you don't like being lied to, cheated on, and abused... so don't go back to the guy who will undoubtedly do it all again. You know better!
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A
male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (5 July 2012):
 My first impression was that the man is speaking softly because he would rather not repay his debt, and there is one way for that.
I think you have to demand payment and make that the end of your relationship with him.
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A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (5 July 2012):
 and why is he delaying paying you the money he owes you? With excuses.
Because he is using that money as a carrot to reel you in.
Get someone else to collect the money - even if you have to give them a portion of the money for their help - that is far better than going back to an abusive ex
Remember, your Safety comes First.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 July 2012): Hello. Quite a straight forward answer here as I know people in this situation, so I'm not going to sugar coat it. Tell him to wire the money to your account. All he's doing is trying to get back under your skin and inside your head because A. He knows the money gives him an excuse to get back in touch with you.And B. He probably didn't think you had it in you to break free and start moving on with your life. Now I'm not saying people can't change for the better, but are you aware of any positive steps he's made to change his lifestyle since you split, or is it most likely he's just been going about his life as usual? If your friends are furious with you about seeing him, then he must have been a really bad person to you, and they know you are being foolish and making a big mistake by giving him an inch, knowing he's going to take a mile.
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A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (5 July 2012):
Hi BubblyGirl
He was attracted to you because he saw a nice girl who he thought would be easy to abuse.
A leopard does not change it's spots
He will start abusing you again.
of course he is being supernice to you TEMPORARILY because he believes he has the right to abuse you.
If he was a real gentleman you would already have that money back in your bank account.
I am almost tempted to say the money is not important, but YOUR SAFETY IS PARAMOUNT.
The problem with abusive individuals is that the abuse escalates over time. He will become more abusive.
Abuse has a series of defined stages. And the abuse goes round and round and round in predictable cycles.
Right now he is WOOING YOU in the HONEYMOON CYCLE of abuse.
Below is an article which says more about that cycle of abuse and why you really should NOT get sucked back into this terrible spiral of abuse.
Worse still, if your friends walk away, and stop supporting you? (your abusive ex WANTS YOU TO LOSE YOUR FRIENDS as then it will be easier again for him to abuse you)
You need your good friends
and you need their support
and you need them with you as wise advisers.
Please do not trash all the support your friends have given you by going back to your abuser.
Because it is not in your best interests to do so.
Here is the article.
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/the-honeymoon-stage-in-an-abusive-relationship-and.html
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A
female
reader, Auntie5 +, writes (4 July 2012):
The emotionally abusive side of your ex is how he really is; the "nice guy" is just a mask he's wearing to get you back. Once you give in, the mask will come off and you'll see him for what he really is.
Stay away from him! Find a lawyer to be your intermediary for getting your money back.
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A
female
reader, MissTellAll +, writes (4 July 2012):
 You get the money you need from him and don't talk to him any more. Your friends are right to be angry because knowing abusive relationships, you probably left them all behind when you were with him.You're here hoping someone on this website will tell you it's all right to give him another go- it isn't and no one will say that here who knows abusive relationships."Deep down I know this might not be good but it feels good again"It feels good because that's what he wants. He's being charming now for the same reason he did when you first met. He's trapping you. Abusers-emotional, physical, mental, sexual- don't just wake up one morning and say "Hey, I was being a real d**k back there. I should stop" More often than not these kind of people don't change. Not to say it's impossible, but it isn't common.You know your friends are right. You know being with him is wrong. Don't let him abuse you again. If you do, you'll have no one to blame but yourself.
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A
female
reader, BondGirl72 +, writes (4 July 2012):
 My experience with this type of man is that they use charm and persuasion to get them where they need to be, then they revert to using their old tricks. I was with a man like this and it was a cycle of emotional abuse that made me think I was going crazy. I was so emotionally distraught, I did not think I would recover from that particular relationship. I had no idea how it started or how it had gotten to the place it had, but I would literally cry every day and night trying to figure out why I was so down and confused. Please do not communicate with or see this guy. You need to see about putting the condo up for sale, or getting a lawyer to get your boyfriend's name off the agreement. I know it feels good now, but these men do the same things over and over. Don't go back with him no matter how good it looks.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 July 2012): "he'd been emotionally abusing me, lying to me, cheated (via email and asking for a girls number at a bar) and one time pushing me and destroying my stuff."
What more clarity do you need?
You think the nice guy routine is real? If you were my friend I'd ignore you too, why would any reasonable person let you drag them back into that kind of hell as a friend?
"like the guy I knew when I met him."
Again, which guy is the real him? The guy who was trying to win you over or the guy he became when he won you?
It's not rocket science OP, it's pretty clear who and what this guy is isn't it? When he wants to have you he's lovely, he's sweet, he makes the effort, when he has you he stops that and becomes a major cunt.
If you go back to him then don't blame your friends for walking away from you, there's no reason they should stick around and watch him hurt you all over again when you know in your heart that is exactly what will happen.
Get your money and run.
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