A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I am having a real struggle with my conscience and really need some advice.I have been single for over a year after a break up of a 10-yr relationship. I have found dating hard because I don't want kids. Anyway, last weekend, I met someone who is witty, intelligent, attractive, sexy and who told me she has a real "crush" on me (lovely old-fashioned word). I thought she was just being daft but transpires she really means it and thinks I am lovely, charming, good looking, funny. It's been a long time since someone has made me feel both wanted and good about myself. She has made it clear that she really likes me and has been very upfront about wanting to go to bed with me.Trouble is - she is married. With two young children. It turns out she has been unhappily married for the last two years, no longer sleeps with her husband and is very lonely. Just what happened in the last two years of my relationship.She has said that we could just continue with our flirty banter. Or that we could just have "some fun" for a while (ie, sexually). Or that possibly something more might develop.I am really torn. It's been so long since someone has thought of me in that way but I have always been very anti-cheating. I may be single but she isn't. But we're both very lonely and both very attracted to each other. I have never been the sort to have a fling and yet I am seriously considering it. I have told her I am struggling with the situation and she says while she would love to sleep with me even just once if we can't do so regularly, she understands why I am hesitant (she says it actually makes me more attractive because I am being totally honest and not just getting her into bed).She is definitely making the running, as it were. She also knows that I do not ever want kids, so there is certainly no long-term future for us as a couple if she was to leave her husband at some point.I think she is a lovely person and she says she has never cheated on her husband but she says I am so nice she feels like a teenager again and she can't stop smiling and thinking about me.HELP! Should I draw a line under this now before either of us might get hurt. Should I just be all modern and agree to a short-term fling that might stop both of us feeling so dreadfully lonely and make us both feel wanted again after so long?
View related questions:
a break, flirt Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 May 2011): do not do this dude.. you will mess your life up for ever. why do you want a life time burden on your conscience. forget that. cut all connections. she will fix her married life soon.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (30 April 2011): Get this, you got good advice below, but here is one more piece.
Don't do this, because, if you do, you will never trust a woman again, especially once you marry her or are in a serious relationship.
Also, I'm a bit older than you, but in the last 25 years I've had 3 married women get all hot and bothered to screw me, with me knowing they were married. All were hot. Very tempting.
You know, all were also just mentally off kilter when they were wanting to mess around on their husbands. I don't think that is any kind of coincidence. If you don't like drama in your life, date singles.
Remember, what does around does actually come around.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (30 April 2011): Get this, you got good advice below, but here is one more piece.
Don't do this, because, if you do, you will never trust a woman again, especially once you marry her or are in a serious relationship.
Remember, what does around does actually come around.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 April 2011): Why not ask her whether he minds u having sex with his wife. I am sure you will get a different spin on things then. Or how about looking into her kids eyes and then ask yourself if this is what u want.Bottom line: this married chick is not fussy. Married life is taking its toll on her and she just wants sex with anyone. You met her a week ago and she propositioned YOU. She is certainly not shy. Don't be a fool to think that she has not done this before. She has. No self respecting woman will proposition a man she just met.Your decision ultimately but why be involved?.Not sleeping with this married one builds character, it also speaks volumes of you as a person. Thus far in your life you have managed to do the right thing. If you cross this boundary now, well you become the other man and have to live with your title.No, this woman is not worth it. Say thank u but no thanks politely. And lose her number!LoveGirl
...............................
A
female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (28 April 2011):
 There is nothing modern about a short term fling, to name it so in such terms is irrisponsible. Affairs are messy complicated and dangerous. You have to bear in mind that women get emotionally attached when they have sex or even just get some much needed attention. What might be a casual thing for you could turn out to be a huge deal for her...so are you prepared for that?
You are a single guy, you need to be dating other singles who do not have as much baggage as this woman...you could also find yourself in court if her husband finds out and belive me, you don't want to go there.
Yes it will cure short term loneliness but it will also create a situation that once in, you may not be able to get out of. This woman sounds needy and is not thinking of the implications on her family...kids especially. If you do have an affair with her but want to end it, she might cling on and make life difficult for you.
If you want a no strings thing then join a site that offers that. Don't let loneliness get you into a potentially very complicated situation...you might regret it very much in the future.
...............................
A
male
reader, dirtball  +, writes (28 April 2011):
 Do you really want to help her cheat on her husband and possibly ruin her family?
The truth is, you know this shouldn't happen. It takes two to cheat. A connection like you describe is nice, but I have a feeling the logistics of this affair will get out of hand rather quickly. If she's really that unhappy, she needs to deal with her problems rather than run to your arms. After all, how would you feel if you were in her husband's shoes?
My vote is to forget about this. I know how tempting attention like that can be, especially after a long time being single, but this will likely be full of problems as well. That's drama you don't need. How will you feel when her husband finds out? Can you take the guilt of breaking up a family?
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (28 April 2011): no don't.I know it is so easy to seduce a woman who is trapped in an unhappy marriage but believe me extramarital affairs are misrable especially if the married side is female and could entangle you in legal trouble if matters reach court. If you love her and really want her interest and you are a gentleman then tell her first to get devorce if her marriage is not working while you wait for her but don't break her marriage if you want to have fun only.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 April 2011): OK. Apparently the first half of your conscience prompted you to post this. Here is the second half, a bit more brutal and less face-saving.NO. Do not do it. "Because it would feel good" will never justify you destroying her marriage. Just because her marriage is bad does not mean it is ok for her to cheat. How short-term do you think it would be, and how can either of you not be hurt when it ends? She doesn't want "you", she wants an escape from her bad marriage. She wants to feel good. Both your desires are selfish.I just re-read your post. You just met last weekend? How can she know you well enough to want you as a person? Don't let her sugary words and flattery suck you down into something you both will probably regret for the rest of your lives.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 April 2011): The answer is NO. Stay away from this woman!She seems very forward for a married woman, and I'll bet everything I've got that she HAS cheated on her husband before. Please, continue to be "anti-cheating," and tell her to stay away from you. There are plenty of women who do not want children, and are not married or involved. This one sounds like bad news.
...............................
A
female
reader, MamaBear +, writes (28 April 2011):
Your third sentence should be the wake up call you need, re: a fling with this woman. Reread your letter where it says you do not want kids. If down the line she's free and you two get together, what does she do with her kids - will you want them as part of the package. Now, for your "dreadful loneliness", volunteer somewhere to take up some of your time, or get a part-time job whether you need one or not. Many organizations beg for volunteers and you will feel wanted again. These things are easier to handle than a conscience! If this married woman is dreadfully lonely too, this is her problem to deal with. Move on in your life and find someone available.
...............................
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (28 April 2011):
 RUN AWAY!a couple of reasons:1. she's married and cheating2. she's got kids and if you fall for her you will have to either leave her (painful) or end up with her and her kids (not what you want)if she is married and having a fling with you, with her husband aware and accepting of an 'open' relationship, then that's a different issue.I did that. I had a fling with a lovely single guy, with the knowlege and acceptance of my husband, and I was not unhappily married just in the lifestyle that permitted and accepted extramarital relations.in the long run, my hubby left and my single guy and I are now a couple. and WE DON'T SHARE.... how odd is that?so having an affair with a married woman who is cheating is wrong.having an affair with a married woman, who has an 'open' relationship with her primary partner, is ok but you play with fire....
...............................
|
