A
male
age
,
*ohn 68
writes:Hi. Hope I can clarify my feeling. I have been in therapy with a lovely women therapist who I had almost immediate connection. I was very vulnerable and so taken by her honesty and style and her insights. My marriage has always been pretty unconnected emotionally. So getting in touch with my intense need for a feeling relationship has helped me so much but hard on my marriage. I have told my therapist that I loved her and had an intense transference with her. She responded very professionally and yet still was warm and I saw how how tHe transference related to all the women in my life . I knew she had children and assumed she was married. At any rate , she did tell me her partner was a women. I was a bit taken back but still really connect with her emotionally. But I have some sexually issues and am concerned. I think I felt my connection because she embodied the best of both sexes and how this relates to me and my issues. I will always respect her because she is a beautiful person and helps me a lot. My wife wants me to end the therapy. She is jealous of the relationship and I would never disclose anything told to me in therapy.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 April 2011): You went to therapy to work out the issues in your marriage but ended up falling in love with your lesbian therapist. Your therapist should have immediately transferred u to another professional. I firmly believe that she did not act professionally by still having sessions with you.Why can u not understand how your wife is feeling. Your therapist is now the Other Woman and she is the third party in your marriage. Look realistically and understand this dynamics.If you still see this 'therapist' then you can kiss your marriage goodbye. You do know that if your therapist persists in this 'ugly' triangle, she can loose her license for 'inappropriate' behaviour with a client/patience.LoveGirl
A
male
reader, idoneitagain  +, writes (29 April 2011):
Falling in love with your therapist is often a hallmark of successful therapy. Dealing with your feelings of love in therapy will help you deal with the emotional aspects of your marriage which you would like to be better, the feeling relationship, as well as the emotional parts of yourself which you struggle with.
If your wife is jealous of the relationship, talk to her about it, listen to what she is struggling with. Ask her to think of ways that will help her be more at ease with your therapy relationship, and help her overcome her jealous feelings. Remember, if she is jealous, it is her issue of jealousy you are dealing with, not something that you are doing wrong that you need to change. Rather than taking a stance of it being her problem not yours though, try be an ally to her, as much as it is helpful to try and get her to be an ally to you going to therapy.
Good luck.
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A
male
reader, dirtball  +, writes (28 April 2011):
 Honestly, I think your therapist should have referred you to someone else when you professed your love for her. Even though it's common, it's also not really entirely professional for her to continue seeing you with that in the background.
Like person12345 said, you need to work on your relationship with your wife. Be honest with her, and explain what therapy is doing to help you. Explain your need for an emotional connection as well. Hopefully she's willing to give it an effort.
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A
female
reader, person12345 +, writes (28 April 2011):
 This is actually a very common thing. People routinely fall in love with their therapists because they open up to them so much and sharing secrets like that creates an emotional bond. I'm sure she deals with it all the time. It's actually extremely illegal for a therapist to date or have sex with a client precisely because of this. It's against the APA code of ethics since she is in a position of authority over you.Your wife is right to be jealous. Most of this post was you gushing about your love for your therapist, with a few less than flattering sentences about your wife. You need to find a way to develop more closely with your wife rather than finding ways to get close to your therapist. You are even finding ways to keep it all a secret from your wife and everything that's going on, when there is no legal or health reason to keep anything secret. The only person who is required to keep a secret is your therapist, not you. You are allowed, encouraged sometimes even, to share with someone you trust.Like I said, your wife is right to be jealous. What you have going on is an emotional affair. It might be time to find a new therapist who can help you work out the issues with your wife.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 April 2011): Sounds like you'd be much better off to:1) switching to a male therapist and 2) going to marriage counseling WITH your wife, because eventually she is the one who CAN give you the connectedness you want (sounds like she needs help with that too). All the best to you and your wife.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 April 2011): I think it's hard not to build an emotional connection with any therapist...if you're confiding your most intimate thoughts and they see you at your best and worst, then how can you not?
But I don't think a therapist should ever be a "real" character in your private life. Hopefully they are just a third person who can give you better perspective into your "real" life and how to deal with your problems. And like you said, she has her own real life, her own kids, and her own partner.
I think the real question you should be asking here at DearCupid is, "how do I build a more emotionally connective relationship with my wife?"
Good luck.
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A
female
reader, MamaBear +, writes (28 April 2011):
I was of the belief that what goes on in a therapy session, stays there! So, how is your wife finding out all the info - unless you tell her. Maybe you two should go to a couple counselor and work on issues first Then, you can delve into some long-standing issues that you may have.
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