A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I need help please, about something that has confused me for 36 years and which I am only now able to speak about.When I was 15 I agreed to have sex with an 18 year old male.This has, one way or another, plagued me all my life. I am now at a stage where I am unsure as to whether to report this person for rape. I finally understood, a few years ago, that in the eyes of the law a minor simply doesn't have the capacity to make the decisions that an adult would make, so my "yes", in the eyes of the law, means nothing. This has helped me so much, to understand what I experienced.To put this into context, the greatest shame and confusion I have carried is the fact that I said "yes". It has taken me years and years to understand why I said that, when every single part of me wanted not to do it at all. I was not 'sexual' at that time, I felt at best nothing and at worst sheer terror. I had no idea what I was saying "yes" to, really.I had absolutely no desire at all to have sex with this person. I was a virgin who had never had a boyfriend and lived a very, very sheltered life. What I imagine will be difficult for people to understand if I tell them is that I had never had any choice about anything at all. My parents were incredibly controlling and I had learned, from childhood, to only 'choose' what I knew they wanted me to do. It was like I had learned to just say "yes" to please them and had become already an expert in sensing what a person wanted and had totally deleted my own needs and desires. I was an incredibly shy, quiet to the point of almost being mute child. I was a good, obedient child, worked hard at school and got mainly straight A's.At the time that this happened I had already been in a school where I was terribly unhappy and couldn't tell anyone. My parents had sent me to this school away from my lifelong friends I'd known since primary school. The reason they did this was that my elder sister had developed a bad reputation in the school that I was meant to go to and my parents said they didn't want it to affect me. I begged and begged them not to make me go to this other school. They wouldn't listen. Their logic was plain stupid because, living in such a small town, everyone at this new school eventually heard all about my sister anyway, but I then had to deal with it without the comfort of any of my old friends. I self isolated to protect myself and I became majorly depressed and had only one 'friend' - a 'survival friend' who was a supremely confident and friendly girl, in one of the 'lowest' classes (sorry but our classes were graded and I was in the second 'highest' initially and, before the abuse began, was moved up to the highest due to my hard work and she in the 'lowest'). At this time my father had moved us all to a large house where he was really struggling to pay bills. We had no home comforts due to lack of money but, because the house looked 'posh' from the outside, everyone assumed we were well off and stable. Nothing could be further from the truth. My father become very ill and was often taken away, in an ambulance at very short notice, to have life-saving operations in London which was miles and miles away from the small town we lived in, and our financial situation became extremely bad. During this time he changed from being very loving - though extremely controlling - to being nasty to me. Whenever he was home I did not recognise him as my Dad and I blamed myself, telling myself I should love this person because he was my Dad, effectively overriding my feelings of upset and confusion. My mother had never once comforted or supported me emotionally as a child and there was no support whatsoever during this period, only blame that "You nearly didn't have a Dad", if I showed any need at all.In counselling, later on, the counsellor and I came to the conclusion that my mother probably had undiagnosed Autism; it was as if she simply didn't understand - and harshly rejected as intrusive - the idea that a mother is expected to offer emotional comfort and support and guidance to her kids. She simply could not empathise or relate emotionally, but was instead angry and very abusive and neglectful, particularly towards me.Anyway, during this period when my Dad was often in hospital and would come back like a nasty, abusive stranger and my Mum was like an angry robot, I was expected to look after my younger sister a lot of the time. She is ten years younger and I, being the good kid and although only 14 by this time, was left with her and my elder sister, who would be 17. My parents knew that my elder sister was totally unreliable and that it was always me doing the 'parenting' for my younger sister. On one of the times when we had been left alone as my parents went by emergency ambulance to London, my elder sister had her very first psychotic attack. Although she'd always been a rebel, this had never happened before. What happened was that she had a boyfriend involved in a church that encouraged 'speaking in tongues' and this started to happen to her. Her boyfriend was overjoyed, saying it was miraculous, but then he left to go home and I was left with my elder sister speaking in tongues and my younger sister, who was four at the time. The speaking in tongues got more and more extreme, becoming chanting and raging and it went on all night. My younger sister was terrified and I had to do all I could to calm her and keep her safe. I didn't sleep. The next day my elder sister was completely calm, as if nothing had really happened. She told me to go to school and she would look after my little sister. I thought that this must be a normal part of 'speaking in tongues' so I went to school, feeling totally in shock and as if I had been on another planet all night, but saying nothing to anyone, only for a tutor to come and find me a couple of hours later, saying my elder sister had been found with my younger sister in the street, having some sort of fit. After that, my elder sister was in and out of mental health institutions for thirty or so years. To this day, I know it was my parents psychological abuse that sent her over the edge and that it nearly did the same to me.So, in this context of a now mentally ill and violent sister at home, a school where I had no friends except this one survival friend, my father a nasty stranger who was often taken away by emergency ambulance on the point of death and my mother a robotic, but angry and abusive 'imposter' of a mother, I went to a church disco and with my one friend and was approached by this older boy/man- actually his friend. He asked to walk me home and although I was terrified I said yes.I remember one of the first things he asked me was my age and he seemed surprised and disappointed when I said 15 - I was actually only 14, but my birthday was a couple of weeks away and I think I somehow sensed that he wanted me to be older and so I played up to that, knowing it was what he wanted. My parents were away again quite soon after that and that's when the pressure started. He and his friend would come round all the time, ringing the doorbell, banging on the windows. It was terrifying, but he was so persistent.He would insist on seeing me every night, always for sex. Upto that time I had only ever gone home and done homework and occasionally gone out with my one friend. My grades started to fall and I started to feel even worse in myself. I hated myself. I felt ashamed and dirty and just awful and I wanted to be the good kid I'd always been, getting high grades, but I hated my school (although I blamed myself). I was desperately, desperately unhappy and it was impossible to talk to either of my parents or anyone at all. We had been brought up almost as sub-humans, never encouraged to have an opinion or choice of our own, only doing what they said. If I tried to tell my mother how unhappy I was she would very aggressively and abusively state, in the most horrible way, that I was being selfish. This hurts me more than anything because it is such an easy thing to say to a teenager and yet I had nothing and was actually selfless by anyone's standards - I wore clothes only from charity shops which made me ashamed, I got no pocket money whilst my Dad was ill, we often had no food in the house, I went without school lunch because I was ashamed at having to present the free school lunch voucher in front of everyone, my elder sister's behaviour was intolerable by any sane person's standards - the police were always at our house as she was often violent and would smash up the place at night time - and it was inescapable, and I was so often looking after my younger sister. I had only this one friend in a different class to me at school and I was really, really struggling with the workload and the shame of not being top of my class as I had been in my previous school. I cannot tell you how much I missed my friends and the feeling of familiarity and knowing where I stood with all of them. I felt like an outsider in my school now, and that feeling has stayed with me for life. To this day, I have very few friends and never feel that I fit in anywhere at all. What I think happened was that by saying "yes" to this person, I gained a weird king of 'power', or at least the feeling that I would not be abandoned. I felt totally powerless and it was, I think, the only way to have any sort of power at all, a way to feel not abandoned and alone. It is not that I consciously thought this at the time, only that I have kind of made sense of it now. I felt absolutely terrified but also numb, when he first had sex with me. I cannot tell you how much I did not want that to happen, and yet at the same time I told myself I did not matter, that it simply didn't matter. It was what he wanted and that was all there was to it. It seemed the only way to not be 'abandoned' somehow, even though I didn't even like him at all. It went on for over a year and, in that time, it felt like I was in a weird, fake relationship where he was acting like we were girlfriend and boyfriend and, outwardly, people thought we were, but inwardly I had absolutely nothing in common with him. it was as if I had to tolerate it. In that time, already depressed, I grew to hate myself even more and tried to commit suicide at 18. Later on, when I started to understand about sexual abuse, it always seemed like girls my age who were abused were always abused by much older men and that, because he was closer to my age, it couldn't count as abuse. It confused me for years and years.It has affected me to this day in terms of developing healthy relationships with men. I have tended to go for men who are quite effeminate outwardly, who seem like they won't control or abuse me, and who seem kind, but what later happens is that they emerge as very controlling and selfish and treat me extremely badly. I have stayed in two long relationships with men like this and rarely ever had the confidence to venture into a relationship with someone that I was attracted to, in the way that a woman might normally do. I have 'put up with' so much of this because I learned, very young, to 'put up with' very extreme home life in which my needs did not come into things at all and I was expected to totally deny them.I now feel so very, very sad when I look back and see that all this person wanted, even when he was sizing me up before approaching me, was to have sex. At 51, I am alone and feel that I have missed out on a normal pattern of relationships because of what happened. I am alone and don't have confidence to pursue a relationship. I tried to literally run away from him so many times and he always ran after me and caught me. One thing I understood is that, if a young woman has been psychologically abused and emotionally neglected by her parents, this abuse is easily followed on with sexual abuse by someone else. The conditioning by the parents effectively prepares the young girl for this to happen. In a way, it is as if the sexual abuse is just a physical extension of abuse that's already taken place by parents.What I would like help with is whether I should pursue this now, at a formal and legal level. What he did was illegal, but because I said "yes" it has plagued me for years and taken me years to understand that my "yes" did not count, and could not legally count. He took advantage of me when I was in an incredibly vulnerable situation. I feel it trained me to accept bad treatment and to have very low expectations from men, and ultimately stopped me feeling like I had a choice, that I was and am free to choose. When I look back, he was utterly selfish and abusive. How could someone do that when the girl involved knows absolutely nothing about sex and is so obviously numb all the time, and literally trying to run away?
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 September 2019): So you had a very unfortunate childhood and had sex with someone three years older than you at a time when you were left very vulnerable by a dysfunctional family. And now, almost four decades later, you want to punish a man in his mid-50s for the relationship you shared when you were both teenagers?Listen, do I think it's okay for an 18 year old man to have sex with a 15 year old girl? No, and neither does the law. But with that being said, do I think it's reasonable to try to destroy that man's life 35-40 years later? No. Your childhood, and your struggles as an adult, are not his fault.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 August 2019): Typo correction:
"The whole world can't suddenly become the enemy; because we have suffered at the hands of a particular person, or group of people."
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 August 2019): To elaborate on my comment regarding when to report sexual-misconduct was a generalized-statement. Eventually, you have to trust someone. If you can trust the perpetrator, you have to find it within yourself to seek help from someone concerned for your well-being. The whole world can't suddenly become the enemy because we have suffered at the hands of a particle person or group of people.
I don't care about what "statistics say." People are people, not statistics! It's not a matter of intellect, it's a matter of safety and common-sense! It's vitally critical when you have to decide to seek help for it to be most effective! Like I said, if you're sick; you'll either see a doctor, or risk death. You reach-out for help when you're too weak to help yourself. It's a choice. When you're hurting so bad, what choice do you have? Come-on, how long can you make excuses? How much power can you place into the hands of others?
No matter how late in life that you decide to get help; you have to insist on fighting to survive and to move-on. If you're not dead, you're still living! It's a choice if you want to live in pain; or if you want to find help and heal. Even if your assailant got the death penalty. You'd have to move-on. It won't change or undo the past.
What's the point of offering advice and the persistence of advocacy when nobody uses it? Remember, we're dealing with human-nature; and you can't talk and educate crime and sin out of existence. You can only offer preventive-measures and make laws that protect people; which we already have. The only problem is, people operate under their own energy and intelligence. We have our own minds, and make our own decisions. How do you compel people to trust, or make someone report they've been abused or attacked? Again, human-nature comes into play. Only God has the power to know what's in each of our hearts and minds.
What are we warning young people about, if they don't tell anyone, and decide to keep it to themselves? The manipulation and rape of under-aged individuals isn't new. It has been on the planet since primitive-people. It isn't going to stop. All cases don't turnout the same. Sometimes justice prevails and the victim survives.
Everyone has the responsibility of taking care of and protecting children and young-people. Starting with your parents, our schools, and every institution that takes any form of responsibility for the guidance and handling of children. We don't live in a perfect world.
Yet we still have to survive in it!
I wish there was something that could be done that would stop people from hurting people; but whatever we survive, there is a point where we have to live-on. We can hate our parents our entire lives for the mistakes they've made in our childhoods. We can't live in the past, we can only move forward. You seem to have done a lot of research; but is any of it sinking-in? Rebuking and countering advice seems somewhat self-defeating.
Forgive your parents. That's how you'll ever move forward. You can become addicted to suffering. If you dwell on your anger and pain long enough, it will attach itself like a nasty parasite. Feeding on your energy and darkening your soul. You have the power to resist. Otherwise, why bother seeing a therapist if you've declared yourself incurable? It comes down to choice. Letting-go to move on.
If you've had professional-counseling and therapy, or have read a lot of articles; eventually you'll come to the simple conclusion that life moves forward. Not backwards.
We must insist on living with dignity and determination to show those who transgress against us that they don't have the power to control our emotions, feelings, or destroy our lives. Having a need for vengeance is what delays forgiveness; and it prolongs pain and suffering. You may not consciously seek vindication; but subconsciously that may the reason you have not been able to find your peace.
I wish you the best.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 August 2019): I say leave it alone and get therapy.This me too movement has many rethinking what back then were normal boy and girl relationships are a crime.When I was 13 I had a 18 year old boyfriend and it was not assault.If you were let's say like 5 then it would be wrong but what you had is a relationship with someone.Why would you destroy his life now just because he was your boyfriend once upon a time ago.Get help...Your reality is messed up.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 August 2019): Interesting response from original poster and great insightCircular movement? this can also be achieved through 'Dance Therapy' circular movement is quite a ancient sacred dance.I hope you move forward in your life and have released some trauma/ pain/ frustration/ and have the brave new heart to help others in some way.Good Luck, Sculpt a new life and new view of self.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (27 August 2019): Forget the past and concentrate on the present and the future. We all have done things in our younger years we regret now. You are no diffrent. Believe me we all have our skeletons in our cupboards. That is how we develope and learn to distinguish right from wrong. Can you imagine how many girls of 15 lose their virginity because of bad choice? So please don't torture yourself. Like the other aunts have suggested see a therapest if you want but really it is in your hand to put what happened in the past in the right prespective. Good luck...
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 August 2019): Hello Everyone
Thank you for your time and care in responding. Everyone's responses has really helped.
I wanted to ask what others thought I should do because I think I am going through a longer and larger process of forgiveness, not just of the person who sexually abused me, but of my parents. The question of whether to take legal action was not generated by a need for vengeance, rather it was the case that I am not sure what my responsibilities now are and, therefore, what the best way forward is. I feel a responsibility to generate any change at all that I can, including by drawing awareness of this kind of abuse and how young girls can get drawn into it through naivety and vulnerability.
I have taken a long time to understand that someone - of any gender - can be highly intelligent in many ways, but very socially and sexually naive. Intelligence does not always compensate for lack of insight into social and sexual politics, so even very bright girls can be abused. So many 'survivors' of hidden abuse are speaking out these days, but often where an institution, including and especially an institution that should involve 'care' for children, has been involved, or organised gangs. Less is said about lone individual girls being abused by individual young men and yet I feel there must be so many of them, and my feeling is to use my experience to protect and empower all of us and those girls growing up and entering into puberty, so that those who are suffering know they are not alone and that there is a hidden 'network' of us all over the world.
I definitely think sex education in schools needs to be majorly revised, so that it's not just a relaying of biological facts, but also takes into account the complexities surrounding choice and self esteem when entering into a sexual relationship. I also think young men really would benefit from more education about masculinity and becoming a man; part of my abuse seemed to involve the male receiving advice from his slightly older friend and being 'egged on' and encouraged. I think he gained a sense that, to become a man who was respected by his male friends, he had to ensure sexual control over me. This is an extremely limited, but common idea of what masculinity is. There needs to be new role models for young men and for young women.
Just for info.: the age of consent in the UK is 16 years old. Recent attempts to have this lowered to 15 have been strongly rejected by the government, and this I am wholeheartedly in favour of.
Also, I researched various websites about child abuse and there is one here that I found helpful. http://www.headteacher-update.com/best-practice-article/child-abuse-the-art-of-listening/156113
On the above website, it states that it takes, on average, seven (7) years for a child to speak up about their abuse. It took me until the age of 21 to tell a doctor I was very depressed - even after my suicide attempt I got no support at all and was simply returned to my parents who told me I was selfish for trying to kill myself. My doctor suggested counselling, which was very new to our small town at that time and I knew nothing about. During the time of counselling I was finally able to tell the counsellor some of what happened. Notably, though, the same website says that a lot depends on how the disclosure is received by another and how they respond: in my case, I felt as if I had 'disappointed' the counsellor because, prior to the disclosure, I could sense that he was getting excited by the possibility that it was my Dad who had sexually abused me and, when I related that it wasn't, I sensed it had not lead to the 'sensational' story that he had hoped to uncover. That might seem a strange thing for me to say but he was young, ambitious and I had already become extremely sensitised to others' needs; I honestly sensed he wanted this epic story to come out and that I had disappointed him.
I think what was needed at that point was a more complex and perhaps intelligent conversation, about how sexuality works. I think sexuality is not separate from the emotions or from one's psychology. So, the abuse from my father and from my mother did affect my developing sexuality, because sexuality as I see it is not merely physical. It is as if the sexual abuser picked up physically where my parents' abuse laid tracks and pathways into my sexuality, through my emotions and psyche. To this day, I find it frustrating that sexual, psychological and emotional and physical abuse still tend to get separated off by therapists and counsellors - they each are intricately interlinked, I think, although obviously someone can experience a more intense form of abuse than others.
So, WiseOwlE, I just wanted to point out that I very much appreciate your thoughts and consideration in writing back. But please, please don't assume it is easy to speak out as soon as one reaches 'adulthood' as indicated by a number / an age. In any case, recent studies have found that adolescence actually lasts until we are about the age of 24, and everyone develops at different rates anyway, so assuming that as soon as one becomes 18, one can speak up about abuse comes close to blaming the victim for perpetuating an abusive situation, when they are already self-blaming to an extreme. I am sure this is not what you intended to do, and I appreciate everything else you said, but please bear this in mind.
I read a book recently called 'The Body Keeps The Score', which I found extremely helpful for overcoming trauma. The author writes about how trauma becomes 'registered' neurologically and this affects the body, creating a cycle of illness and re-visiting of the trauma. Rhythmical movements and creative physical acts are, in his view, equally if not more healing than counselling. I am a sculptor, and the best feeling I have is when I've been working in my studio all day. I make figurative sculptures that relate, amongst other things, to trauma. And I write academically. But these responses have given me the courage to write creatively about what happened, and to help others to overcome and move on from similar lived experiences. I had never spoken out to a group before, about what had happened and I cannot really tell you how important it has been to me to do this and to receive your caring, level headed and each slightly different responses. I has given me hope that, if I speak out more, through writing, people will listen and things can maybe change, even if just for one other girl who is feeling utterly alone.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (27 August 2019): I'm pretty sure 36 years ago 15 was legal age. It sounds like your parents were your bigger problem. Many 15 year old girls have sex and are not traumatized for life. Get therapy.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 August 2019): Typo correction:
"They don't sit around getting sicker, or enduring the pain indefinitely."
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 August 2019): I was a virgin once and at 15, I too, had underage sex with an 18 year old guy. I had no idea what it was going to be like but we both 'agreed' to have sex. No crime here just two very young people, he was as naive as me.
No regrets because I do not feel any guilt or shame, and nor should I.
I think it sad that you have these type of feelings but you need a lot more proof that you were raped and when you say you agreed, you consented. It just would not stand up in court and the word 'confusing' will not help you. I believe you are not lying and I can not say what really happened but you need to think very carefully about the real issues here and the consequences for all who will be effected should you accuse somebody of historical rape or any rape.
I think before you act out you need to speak seriously to your therapists about many different areas of your life and undo some of the damage that has obviously been done to you and confront realities about your own self and feelings of shame and guilt and relationship problems.
Recognise who and what truly made you feel the way you do. Where does the blame belong, what underlying mental health issues have been around your family, are you free from obsessive thoughts etc.
It's okay people saying go to the police 'without any evidence to back the accusation or thought for the person been accused (SOMETIMES) wrongly, accusations ruin lives, people go to prison and loose everything. Accusations cause divorce, children loose fathers, and men commit suicide and mud sticks, you have to be more certain than 'maybe'.
I strongly recommend talking through your obvious deep rooted problems with professional therapists who will talk through your life and if needed guide you to the right official bodies when things are more clear.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 August 2019): I would ask you this. If you do pursue legal-action against your accused sexual-assailant, how would that change your life? How would it benefit you in the present? I don't disagree that he deserves punishment; but it seems all your life's pain and anguish has been concentrated and faulted on one person. As if he is to blame for everything that has ever happened to you. You've found yourself a sacrificial lamb. To what avail?
Then there is the burden of proof. How much evidence is there to present before a court of law to support such serious allegations? Your history of abuse comes from different sources; so separating one from the other will be quite difficult to prove to a jury; under the presumption of innocence until proven guilty. He's not simply going to be convicted and prosecuted based on your accusation alone.
In the probability that you may succeed at having your alleged-assailant prosecuted under the law, are you going to move forward with your life? Will all the suffering be undone, or ended? Will you find the satisfaction to carry-on? How will your family atone for the damage they've done to you emotionally? It seems logical you have to revisit and seek retribution on everyone who has brought your life to this particular outcome. Not just your alleged sexual-assailant.
How about all the significant psychological-trauma inflicted by your parents and older-sister? How will that be vindicated? It seems you'd be opening a Pandora's Box. There is a great uncertainty of how you would benefit; and what you would be able to endure throughout the process. It seems you've made no progress with counseling. So I ask what exactly will all this accomplish for you, and how will it improve your life? You will succeed at destroying his life, his family's life, possibly his marriage. Then what? Will you feel better for it?
He was 18, and you were 14. Parents are not the only people you can seek help and protection from. You also hated your school. You never told anyone anything; which also contributed to continued abuse and further psychological-trauma. Since the age of 18, you were mature enough to seek counseling and protection. It was available continuously throughout your adult-life; and it's almost available anywhere. Sick people go to the doctor. The don't sit around getting sicker, or enduring the pain indefinitely.
I wouldn't expect a child to have the judgement or wisdom to seek help without adult-guidance; but you turned to a friend your own age. Someone who didn't know anymore about life than you did at the time. That makes little sense. More time passes. You said or did nothing. How did you determine she was all you needed, when you were experiencing so much horrific trauma? It just defies logic at no time in your early adult-hood did you seek psychiatric-counseling and trauma-therapy to cope and heal you. Yet you somehow believe that prosecuting someone 36 years later would somehow change things.
Seek the legal-action you think will help. Just consider how much life has passed since then; and what benefit you'll receive from the outcome. In any event, you have to forgive and move on. No matter what you choose to do. You are only a prisoner to the past and your pain, as long as you want to hold-on to it. Sometimes vengeance only makes things worse; because the remorse or guilt of afterthought can be just as painful. Sometimes all it takes is forgiveness; and a decision to live-on in spite of the past.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (26 August 2019):
 Oh sweetheart. I am so sorry for what you went through, not only in terms of the sexual abuse (which it most definitely was) but also the unhealthy home environment which you had to tolerate as a child. I only realized when I actually got to the end of your post that I had been virtually holding my breath while reading the whole story. You write very eloquently and, quite obviously, from the heart. I felt like I was living the whole nightmare with you. (My mother was a little like yours, so I could identify with a lot of what you wrote.)
Your parents were obviously battling their own demons at that time, as was your older sister. I can't help worrying how your younger sister survived this horror. I hope she is ok. It is yet another story which goes to prove that you never know what goes on behind closed doors, how deceptive outward appearances can be.
What are you looking to achieve by pursuing, at a legal level, the man who raped you? Please don't think I am, in any way, trying to dissuade you from pursuing this course of action, because that is truly not the case. I am just thinking out loud and wondering if, even if you are successful in getting this case to court, it will actually help you at all to come to terms with your past? Or will it, perhaps, just dredge up all the old feelings and put you back to where you were all those years ago? If you feel it will help you, then you MUST report it. The perpetrator may have been "only" 18, but he was old enough to understand you were under-age. He was probably also astute enough to realize how vulnerable you were, hence why he picked you out to abuse in this way. This was, in no way, YOUR fault. However, given the time which has passed, it may be difficult, if even possible, to actually prove anything unless he confesses, which I doubt will happen.
Given how strongly you still feel about what he did (and I can only start to imagine how much this has affected your whole life), I wonder if you could find a way to help yourself let go of some of this pain by, perhaps, helping others who are, or have been, in a similar situation? Could you volunteer to help young girls who are currently going through similar horrors to those you endured? If not, could you write a book about EVERYTHING that happened to you? You don't need to have it published if this is not something you want, but just writing everything down might be therapeutic and cathartic.
I'm sorry, I'm no expert (obviously). All I can say is that you need to work out what you think will help you most and think carefully how to go about it. It would be terrible if you ended up feeling WORSE than you already do.
Thinking of you. Your story has touched me deeply. You are a remarkably strong woman to have survived what you did at such a young age. Stay strong.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (26 August 2019): I'm very very sorry this happened to you.
You have every right to report this to the police. It was a crime then as it is now.
However, you have very very little chance of material justice. There will be no physical evidence. There are no other witnesses, and the fact that your statement has been taken so many years from the event are all factors in the likely failure of this conviction.
It will however go on file in the event he commits a sexual offence in the future.
At risk of being outspoken, consider how the patriarchy hurts men as well as women in a different way. His youthful (mis) perception of what women are like, what they want, would have been formed by the culture of the time. His TV would have been full of programmes like The Sweeny and The Professionals full of macho men talking badly to women, grabbing them roughly and kissing them as they resisted.
If his parents were as poor as you say yours were he may have had precious few good examples of how to behave towards women. When you factor in playground games like kiss chase that were played in the eighties where girls and boys were chased and then kissed if caught and it was supposed to be fun it beggars belief that anyone turned out alright.
Because he too was young, it might be better to reframe the crime that was committed by him as a failure of both of your parents. You were a victim of this crime but you were both victims of criminally bad parenting. They should have protected you and given you the love and attention you needed to know your self worth. His should have been an example of how a to relate to men and women respectfully.
Nowadays young people are taught not to accept not saying no as tacit consent, not even saying yes but enthusiastic consent as being the preferred level of committal. Its not everything but it's a start. I hope you find peace.
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reader, mystiquek  +, writes (26 August 2019):
 OP, I am not sure that going the legal route is really going to help you at this point. Its been so long and without any proof it would turn into a "he said, she said" situation. Would you really want to put yourself through that plus court costs etc? I'm sorry for what you experienced and obviously you have never truly come to terms with what happened or have found a way to deal with it.
What I would highly recommend is that you seek out professional counselling. I think this would be your best option if at all possible because that way you can talk to someone who is trained and can help you find ways to work through everything and learn how to cope and even find happiness in your life. 35 years is a very long time to be carrying around such a burden. It has affected you deeply and is keeping you from leading a normal happy life. Don't you owe it to yourself to work through it all? If counselling isnt possible are you a religious person? Could you speak to your minister pastor? What about finding a group that meets and the attendees have been in similar experiences such as yours?
I wish you all the best. I truly hope you find a way to work through all your pain. Sometimes we just have to let go and move forward but we need help in doing so. Good luck OP.
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reader, Honeypie +, writes (26 August 2019):
 OP, you had a traumatic childhood, to a point.
I would definitely talk to a therapist about that and work through it.
But accusing a man of rape 35+ year later because you have come to the conclusion that you didn't really want sex at 15, I don't think is right. And while it IS possible to bring a suit, what PROOF do you have? You have no physical proof that you two had sex. You were (I believe, over the age of consent which was anywhere from 12-17 in the UK - trying to figure out what the legal age was is a little confusion ).
I think it is WAY more important for you to focus on YOU. You mental health and how to move forward from what seems a LOT of baggage and past trauma.
I don't think it would be in YOUR best interest to be put to the question, so to speak. To have to try and recall and RELIVE everything again.
He was 18 but he had no idea of the full extend of your home life and what went on there, so while he perhaps took advantage of a naive and very vulnerable girl, might not have meant it as malicious and you now recall it. Hard to prove INTENT 35+ years later too.
Overall, I just don't see how this benefit YOU. I think TALKING about it with a therapist would help you more. BUT you could talk to a lawyer/solicitor.
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reader, CindyCares  +, writes (26 August 2019):
 In theory you could, since in UK there's no statute of limitation ever for sex crimes, like statutory rape.
In practice, how could you, after all this time, build a believable case against the perpetrator, in lack of physical or scientific evidence, or eyewitness testimonies etc... ? Like, I don't think after 36 years you could track down, say, the neighbours who COULD have seen those guys stalking you, banging on your door etc. Your charges would be dismissed before reaching the Court; unfortunately in your case, but rightly so in general. Imagine if it were enough pointing a finger against any hapless guy, and say " hey , he raped me ! " to have the guy trialed and convicted, in lack of any corroborating evidence !. Jails would be chock-full of people fallen victims of disgruntled ex wives, ex lovers, ex employees etc.
I think you'd benefit more from recourse to psichoterapy than to the law. If you have the money, the time, and the will, you can explore your deep seated relationship issues, and your feelings of hurt, anger, betrayal, disempowerment, with some ( possibly ) experienced, understanding , specialized therapist / counselor who may help you, not to forget the past , but at least not to cling to it making it your excuse to get stuck where you are at now. Pardon me, but I see, from the way you tell your story, a certain confusion between correlation and causation. I.E., yes it may be true that a certain kind of inadequate, anaffective yet demanding parenting may affect the way girls learn to establish boundaries and assert themselves. It may. But not all time , not in every context, not for every single person. As a matter of fact, I know quite a bunch of women that had similar, but in fact much shittier parenting than yours , who, in reaction ... became very assertive, very independent, with a rebel streak if any. If you keep pointing fingers and finding an easy scapegoat for all your problems ( " This happened because of a bad dad " and " this other happened because of a bad mom " ), well, you have explained away your current problems in a way that feels comforting and convenient to you, but you have done zero to heal those problems, to overcome them, to move on from some things onto future better things. Life is NOW, and a shitty childhood, IMHO, is not, unless in very extreme, very exceptional cases, a good enough excuse to NOT have a good present , and future : from now ON.
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 August 2019): Technically you are talking about 'historic' sex abuse and many of these cases are now viable in the eyes of the law.
Hence the requirement to press charges would be part of the legal process.
It doesnt help that he may now be angelic or a sinner.
The law was clear at that time that 'the age of consent' was 16yrs.
So the decision is yours.
Do you feel courage when others speak out?
It occurred to me around age 11 yrs that girls were murdered for being in the wrong place at the wrong time.
You have looked carefully at your past.
Perhaps it is time to lay your demons to rest by talking with a solicitor or phoning the police regarding an historic case of underage sex abuse.
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reader, no nonsense Aidan +, writes (26 August 2019):
I am in no way justifying his behaviour when I say this, but I don’t think you should look to pursue this at a formal level now.
Just because he was 18, it doesn’t mean he was mature. It doesn’t mean he was old enough and experienced enough to really understand about sex and to have a healthy attitude to it. He could now be a wonderful, kind, considerate and generous lover. Or he could still be an aggressive bully. The point is, whatever his mistakes, none of us know how his life has moved on now. Is it really right to drag him through the mud for something he did over 30 years ago?
It won’t help you either. There must be countless women and men who can identify with this. Many people have first-time sexual experiences that are horrible and traumatic. Many people don’t realise until after the event that they probably weren’t ready, and that they probably hadn’t made an informed, free choice. But they learn to move on and live with it. Maybe the lasting impact this has had on you isn’t because a stupid 18 year-old pressured you in to sex, but because you didn’t have the good cry and the hug from Mum or Dad afterwards, who told you that you were beautiful and that there will be someone out there who will cherish and respect you and that you will be okay.
I think that you have carried a lot of trauma from your childhood into your adult life. You probably look to form connections with others who seem equally lacking in confidence because you struggle to understand the boundary between healthy relationships and control. There isn’t going to be a quick fix for this. I’m usually reluctant to recommend counselling and therapy because I think that there are often practical things we can do and try to make things better, but I think that you should try it again. I think you need to work over a long time on understanding what healthy, balanced relationships look like for you, and what you should and shouldn’t expect. I think you need to explore why you still feel so badly about your first time, and what it was that has stopped you coming to terms with it in the way that you should have by now.
No quick fixes here I’m afraid. Be kind to yourself though. It’s often assumed that we forgive for the sake of others, but often we do it because it makes us feel better. You weren’t treated well by this young man back then, but maybe he himself realises that he behaved badly now. We’ll never know. But the way to deal with this isn’t to hold on to the memories even more by dragging the past up but trying to let it go and trying to use it as a learning experience. That doesn’t make what happened okay, but not everything that isn’t okay has to be punished, especially when it’s the victim who will suffer most.
I wish you all the very best.
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