A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hi everyone,I have problems finding a girlfriend. I know what the cause is, I just don't know how to fix it. I have a hard time communicating with others. I find it difficult to pick up social cues. It's not that I'm shy, I just don't have the patience to be nice. It really irritates me to do things that no one gains anything from. I don't want to talk to somebody whom I can't help in some way and so I won't approach somebody unless I need something from them. This is how I've always been. I have always got a decent amount of attention from the opposite sex but I am not able to convert any of those leads into something tangible because I give off the impression that I'm not interested. I know I should start being polite to everyone but won't it be weird to start doing that all of a sudden?
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female
reader, Youcannotbeserious  +, writes (30 August 2019):
 Recognizing your goal is the first step in reaching it. You know what you want to achieve so now you need to put in place a plan to get there.
Although your post sounds a little brutal when you say "I won't approach somebody unless I need something from them", you also say "I don't want to talk to somebody whom I can't help in some way", so I do understand the underlying premise. Like many men, you see little point in small talk but need to have purpose to any conversation. You also feel a (predominantly male) need to "fix" anything which is wrong. There are many people who feel the same way. It's just that they usually hide it better whereas you are brutally honest about it.
Being brutally honest seldom sits well, unless you are with another person who feels exactly the same. Most people like to be polite, even when they want to say or do something which is not polite.
Do you have friends or family members who are good at interacting with others? Watch how they act with people and perhaps try to emulate some of what they do. You cannot change your personality but you CAN learn to be polite and sociable. This will not happen overnight so don't feel under pressure to do this within some sort of timescale. Start with little things. Smiling at people as acknowledgement is always good. A cheery "good morning" is a good start. "Have a nice week-end" is another harmless but friendly exchange.
One thought which did cross my mind when reading your post was that you could be fairly high on one or more of the autism spectrum bands, hence your difficulty as picking up on social cues and your lack of tolerance for social niceties. Perhaps a chat with a doctor might be a starting point to understanding why you are the way you are and in getting some help?
A
male
reader, Indiglorex  +, writes (28 August 2019):
I think you should start by working on yourself before trying to chase women. They can see through someone who is only after sex, or is only being "polite" to them.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (27 August 2019):
 Well, if don't approach people unless you want something from them- of course you "come off " as not interested; that's because you ARE not interested, i.e. you are only interested in what you can get from that person ( ...in case of a girl, it could be sex, or social validation, for instance :.. ) but you are not even a little tiny bit curious about the person, what THEY want, how they are, what makes them tick etc. And this lack of interest of yours will subtly but distinctively come off , and for lots of people is a major turn-off. Like, hey, if you can't bother with me, why should I bother with you .
I guess you'd have to resign yourself to learn a minimum of social skills and social graces, like paying the occasional compliment, making that minimal amount of small talk even when not finalized to you getting something out of it, flashing a smile, or a nod, in sign of recognition, even if you do not actually need to talk to the person there and then. This type of stuff.. You'll learn by doing, you'll get the hang of it while you practice. This is more than only being polite to everybody, which in a civilized society is just the basic , minimal requirement of human interaction.
So if you learn to be polite to everybody, no it won't be weird, what is weird is how you got away WITHOUT at least being polite ( and still manage to be accepted by family and friends, at scool, at work, etc etc. ) so far !
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (26 August 2019):
 That seems unusual in my experience with people from your culture. Politeness like smiles are free. Share them where ever you go. Brighten days and make the world around you a more comfortable place. That is all courtesy is, making people comfortable. You need to stop thinking that improving your environment doesn't yield any tangible benefit to you. There is little you can do that will help you more.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (26 August 2019): You need to ask yourself--why do you want a girlfriend? If being nice to someone seems like a chore then buddy I've got news for you- a girlfriend is gonna seem like hard work!
Do you want sex? Because if you can't even force yourself to be nice long enough to do that I think you might need to seek professional help.
You may have identified the problem but it's a bit deeper than that. Courtesy isn't normally an effort. Being interested in other people is normally a natural phenomenon in social animals. Being curious about other people's stories is the what may be described as neuro normative in the current climate. If you aren't naturally like that, you might find relationships with women much much harder than you want them to be. Initially they might find you awkward or mysterious but that really won't last.
Focus on yourself. Why don't you find others interesting or worthy or courtesy?
Why aren't you curious about others?
Meeting women without knowing why you aren't interested in other people is a recipe for misery. Mostly for them but a little for you.
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