A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Something happened last night and I'm not quite sure what to think of it. I'm hoping you guys can give me your opinion. My boyfriend was supposed to come here last night at 7-8pm and not having heard from him at 7, I text him to get his ETA. He texts back half an hour later to say that he had been busy doing stuff with his buddy and he's still with him right now and there is an issue with his car and so he's not going to be up. He calls a couple minutes later and seems all flustered (not his normal self) and says something like "I can't make it, I apologize". He was talking to me and his friend at the same time which was a little aggravating to me. He also said he had an issue with his iphone battery and that it was dying. It was very brief.I text him again later to say that his Phone should be still under warranty. But no response. A couple hours later at 10pm, i text to know if everyting is ok. He texts back and says he's fine, had his phone turned off because its about to die. I ask if he's at home and he says that he's still at his friend's, had a few beers and might take off in an hour. I didnt text back after that. I slept very badly and kept thinking that he was bullshitting me. We've had an issue in the past when I found out he was going to bars with this friend and not telling me about it because it involves talking to women and he knows i would get mad so he didnt want me to know he was out. We talked and i told him that i wanted him to be open and not hide stuff. And i just cant help but think that he's not telling everything and was trying to dodge me. I feel pretty upset right now and i don't know how to handle it. I don't want to question him next time we talk but i feel like last night wasn't quite right. We're supposed to go to a birthday party together on Sunday and I don't feel like going anymore, I don't even feel like having him stay at my place this weekend. Am I crazy here and reading too much into it?
View related questions:
text Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (5 August 2012): Sorry to agree with everyone else, but here goes.You spend every Friday night together? He's supposed to arrive between 7-8pm and you're texting him at 7 to find out when he's coming. He texts back to say that he's not coming over as he's at a friends place and his car's playing up. He then phones a few minutes later to apologise and tell you that his phone battery is dying. During the phone call you're getting annoyed that he's also talking to his friend.During the evening you text a couple of times even though you know his phone is probably off and then when he tells you that he's going to go home in a while, you stop texting him. You then start to wonder about the whether or not you want to do the birthday party or even have him stay over.To be honest your post comes across as very controlling. We don't know the history so we can only offer advice on what you've written. Yes, your bf should have let you know that he wasn't coming over, but would you have left it at that? You don't like him 'talking' to women, you don't like him going out without him telling you where he is and who he's with.Give the guy a bit of space, let him spend some time with his friend. By all means set some boundries as to what you're happy for him to do, talk to each other. Relax and try to trust him, if you don't then there isn't any point in being in the relationship.
A
female
reader, oldbag  +, writes (5 August 2012):
 Hi
Well maybe he doesn't WANT to do every Friday night with you,maybe he's cooling off. You say you don't have a problem with him hanging with mates,yet you also state he goes to Bars with them and 'talks' to women, which has caused problems in the past.
You wrote the question like you didnt trust him,doubted his excuses,not that you were annoyed he didnt initially let you know he wasn't coming.
When he did tell you,you continued to text him. Thats maybe why he turned off his phone,he knew you would.However iphones are notorious for running low on battery pretty fast.Next time just accept his word,and if you've had a hard week,run a hot bubble bath and enjoy the freedom of not having to entertain him till your feeling 100%! As others have said,if you dont trust him,its over.
...............................
A
female
reader, maverick494 +, writes (5 August 2012):
I'm all for trusting your gut/inside voice, but you need to learn how to distinguish it from insecurity and petty worries. Different scenarios start building up in your head, one worse than the other. However realize this is not your gut speaking. It's just nerves.
You don't trust him to love you enough that he can't keep his hands away from every woman that crosses his path. That is something you need to learn to deal with, OP. You need to work on your self esteem, so you not only feel better about yourself, but to feel confident enough to trust someone else with your heart.
I had a bf who basically monitored all my behavior. At one point it got bad enough he barely trusted me around male coworkers. It actually encouraged me to lie to him so I could simply do normal stuff without getting chewed out for it. All you're doing is driving him away, OP. He'll be exclusively yours if you let him, but don't smother him.
Work on your self esteem.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 August 2012): Wow! Hold on everybody... There are quite a few judgmental people here who are quick to put all the blame on me. My bf spends every Friday night with me so that's why I was surprised he didn't show up and didn't even tell me he wasn't coming until I asked him for his ETA. I would have had no issues whatsoever with him wanting to stay home or hang out with his friend instead of coming here. We both had long weeks and it was fine by me. I just was upset at the lack of info and how he just said he was with friend, car has issues and he won't be coming. It's just a simple courtesy to tell your gf when you know you're not coming so I'm not waiting for him to have dinner. He came this morning with that same car. Anyway, thanks for the answers. I don't think I'll be asking more questions anytime soon.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 August 2012): Read your question, thought this is an insecure teen. Then saw your age group.
He was busy with a mate,had a couple of beers. Its what men do. Women shop for clothes, do friends hair. He was held up,changed plans he explained,apologised. Why didnt you watch a movie,have a pamper night, go see a friend as you were free too?
Either you trust him totally or end it.Depends how many times he has cancelled on you or if its just this once?
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 August 2012): We could all be wrong here, but I'm gonna agree with the others, I think you're over thinking things because of what happened in the past. All the little problems to do with the car, and phone etc all look suspicious to you because those are quite common excuses when people are cheating.
It sounds to me like he's being honest.
I think you just need to try harder to trust him, or if you can't, then call it a day.
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (4 August 2012):
 Poor guy. He is damned if he does and he is damned if he doesn't.!
You NEED to start TRYING to trust him. If he says I'm at my friends, got car trouble & phone trouble, TRY and believe him.
And you need to stop pulling "games" or you will lose him fast. Talk to him, tell him WHY you feel insecure, but also tell him what you REALLY need from him to begin the trust building. And honey, you are NOT his mother, so the whole monitoring your BF.. it gets old. If he can't be honest with you what's the point?
And for crying out loud (I know a lot of "younger" people carry on half their relationships via text), but really STEP back, LIVE your life, go out, watch a movie... Don't rely on a guy to entertain you 24/7.
Figure out how to make it work or end it.
...............................
A
female
reader, BondGirl72 +, writes (4 August 2012):
 I don't think this has much to do with security...sorry to disagree. If you had an issue with him going out drinking and talking to women at the bar, I can understand why you might think negatively when something like this happens, but I don't think you need to. Go with the facts, not your version of the facts.
Your boyfriend said there was an issue with his car. Do you believe he was lying about this? Does he frequently lie to you? If he doesn't, I would believe him. He DID apologize and said he couldn't make it. Here is where I agree with the others...instead of sitting around making a mountain out of a molehill, you should have watched a good movie, called another friend, or done something else.
It all boils down to trust. If you don't trust him then it is time to find someone else. If you do trust him, then give him a break. Things don't always turn out the way we expect in life. Cars break down, accidents happen, people get sick, etc...and plans have to change. You have to be resilient enough not to let a little set-back like this ignite a firestorm of negative thinking.
The thing is, you can't prove he lied to you, so why not believe he told the truth instead? Has he intentionally broken plans with you before? Has he intentionally tried to hurt you before? If he hasn't, chances are good that isn't doing it now either.
...............................
A
female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (4 August 2012):
 I forgot to include this in my earlier response...
You expect your boyfriend to provide you with the security you ought to provide for yourself.
Your fear is not based on a lack of trust in him. Even if he'd lied a thousand times that isn't the reason. It's because you don't trust yourself to take the steps necessary to ensure your own well being.
Let's say your boyfriend had hit you. As long as you stay with him you'll feel unsafe because you are unsafe and that's because you're relying on him not to hit you again. If you left him immediately, pressed charges and severed all ties you'd never have to worry about him hitting you again. You would be relying on YOU to keep you safe. See the difference?
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 August 2012): I have to agree with the others OP, I think you're letting what happened in the past make you a bit to weary of what happened.
Everything he said sounds pretty reasonable, I see no reason why he would lie.
He didn't stand you up without letting you know what's up, he answered your text later that evening to let you know everything was okay, what else do you need from him?
I think you're being far too controlling OP. You say you want him to be open and honest but you won't even allow him to go out drinking with his friends because he might talk to women?
I wouldn't be open and honest with a girl like that either, I can't go out with my friends to bars because there'll be women there? Screw that, that's very unreasonable and I'd probably lie about where I was to prevent any hassle too. Although to be perfectly honest with you I don't date girls who are that controlling and possessive.
So insanely controlling, jealous and possessive that they don't even trust that I was where I said I was, not only that but they lose a nights sleep over it and then react by getting so bitter that they want to cancel plans we have? My god woman why is he even with you? You're so highly strung you sound like a bit of a nightmare if I'm honest.
No offence OP but where's the fun in being with you if you're that crazy restrictive and possessive?
I would feel insanely trapped and smothered, I mean he was at a friends place and you were checking up on him and I can only imagine the groans he makes when he gets texts from you. I've been with girls like that OP and they're a chore. I never looked forward to getting texts because as soon as I saw their name I knew they'd be checking up on me or that they'd concocted yet another thing to start worrying about and giving out to me about.
OP no reasonable guy is going to put up with that kind of thing forever you may want to consider calming down a bit and giving him a bit more freedom. You've created a situation where your boyfriend feels he has to lie to you in order to have any bit of freedom, no wonder you're worried, you're leaving him no choice but to work against you.
...............................
A
female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (4 August 2012):
 I agree with Ciar and Blonde...no wonder he isn't telling you the truth, seems you'd bust his balls whatever he did...guy can't really win.
He should be allowed to go out with his friends if he wants.
Be a little more trusting...works wonders for any relationship.
...............................
A
female
reader, Ciar +, writes (4 August 2012):
You had plans to get together, but he had to cancel. That was all you needed to know. It turns out a friend had a minor emergency. Disappointing, but life happens. There was no reason for you to keep texting him after that. You could have done something else on your own.
Your boyfriend is a grown man, not a teenage boy who needs your guidance. He has every right to go to a bar with his friend and talk to women or anyone else he meets. Is he supposed to sit in the Cone of Silence when you're not around? He has every right to come and go as he pleases and live his life the way he wants to. And you no right to impose rules on him or anyone else. You have EVERY right, however, to set your own boundaries and move on if his lifestyle, philosophy and goals are not consistent with yours.
If you want honesty from others then you must help create an atmosphere conducive to it and handle unpleasant news with grace. Your boyfriend is supposed to confess to breaking one of your unreasonable rules so you can punish him and impose additional restrictions? What sane person would do that?
If that little voice is telling you to make rules for your boyfriend, monitor him to ensure he's obeying them, punish him when he doesn't and punish him further when he doesn't volunteer for punishment, then tell it to shut the hell up.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 August 2012): this guy does not love you. he is just fooling around. stop kidding yourself. open your eyes and see that he's 1) not faithful to you 2) has no regards for your feelings 3) does not stand by his words among many other things.
sweetheart, if you are intelligent, you will dump him before he dumps you. if not, keep hanging and hoping. all the best.
...............................
A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (4 August 2012):
 Let's focus on this excerpt from your submittal:
"...and I don't feel like going anymore, I don't even feel like having him stay at my place this weekend."
That "little voice" inside your head is sending you a LOUD AND CLEAR message. You are wasting your time with this guy... since your attraction to him is not, at all, reciprocated. He thinks of you as just one (more) of his conquests... and that he doesn't really have to be nice to you, since you're given him "free passes" in the past for his acting like a jerk....
THEN, I see that you've included "... having him stay at my place this weekend."
Please listen... this guy is USING you - yes, for sex, only - and you are being terribly naive to allow him to share your home....
Get a better boyfriend...
Good luck...
...............................
|
