A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:hi, i have been with my partner for five years we have just come back from vacation abroad (greece) i wanted to go on holiday in 5 weeks time to spain with my best girlfriend also.The thing is he's not happy about it and he says I'm being selfish for going and he's basically not talking to me. We are only going for a quiet holiday for a week its not as if i'm going on a party holiday. Me and my best friend always went on holiday once a year before i met my boyfriend.He does have trust issues with me even though i haven't cheated and would never cheat I am a bit of a flirt and thats partly why he doesnt trust me.So i'm i wrong for wanting a quiet break with my friend, should i not go? i feel really guilty about going now. I'm 26 by the waythanks
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best friend, flirt, on holiday Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 August 2012): You should go on holiday with your bestfriend, think about how she feels it wouldn't be fair on her. Although you have been with this boy for a very long Time you should really explain to him that she's your bestfriend and you'll call him twice or three times a day, if you just blow off your bestfriend she may take it really personal
A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465  +, writes (4 August 2012):
 REady Honeypie's reply - again and again - until you realize that that is the best advice you're going to get.
Then.... go on your holiday with your G/F ... and if B/F doesn't like it, too bad!!!!!
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female
reader, person12345 +, writes (4 August 2012):
 That's a bit insane. You've been together for five years, you should be able to go off on your own without a war breaking out. It's not as though you're even going with a guy, it's your close female friend. He's being totally unreasonable. It's pretty offensive to you I'd bet, that he doesn't trust you to be alone for even five days.
I think you need to just put your foot down and say, "I'm sorry you feel this way, but I've been looking forward to this for a long time and I'm going. It's not because I don't love you or care about you. Even though you are the most important person to me, there are other important people in my life like my friend."
You can't really have a relationship without trust. Trust means you don't know what's going on every second of the day, and you still will think that nothing weird is happening. If you know what's happening all the time, that's not trust. That's control.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 August 2012): By rights you go because no one should be controlled by anyone else,
BUT...
If you turn the situation around, how would you feel if he had two vacations a year with his friends and didn't include you, would you feel he's being selfish?
You just need to have an understanding with each other, what is and isn't considered selfish towards the other, and perhaps you may both benefit from a system whereby you each have a vacation with your own friends and then a vacation together each year.
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female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (4 August 2012):
 Go and ENJOY your vacation!! If he isn't the one paying for it why the heck is he whining?
And honestly, I find him quite immature with the whole " if you go I won't talk to you" attitude.. Talk about emotional black mail!
He needs to grow up!
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (4 August 2012): I am 21 and I am at the other side of this conflict. There is this concert my gf and her best friend want to see too badly, so we had to rescedule our holiday plans, which seemed barely possible at first.
I was really mad at her for almost a month, yet we never stopped talking. But in some time, I realized, that I really love her and I don't want to break up, ever, and we had a nice talk.
She's still going, but I'm OK with it, because we both love and respect each other.
I hope, you can work this out as well. This is not the thing people should break up over.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 August 2012): The only time I feel guilt is when I, myself, am aware that I am doing something that is wrong.So why are you feeling guilt?Is there more to this story than you are saying? Because this whole post doesn't jive with me.What has been the norm of behaviour and expectations on these yearly trips with the GF? Are those 'expectations' still in place?If after 5 years, and this is a yearly event; why is BF NOW upset about you going on this trip? He has had no previous concers or worries about this but now does? Isn't that odd behaviour indeed??And even so, 5 years of being in a relationship with BF and if he has vocally voiced he doesn't like that you flirt- is it really something You NEED to keep you happy?And what classifies as acceptable flirting to you and the BF because such things should have been addressed with boundaries and expectations that both of you agreed on, for the sake of the relationship and love and respect for one another.Also some character traits can be sacrificed. I'm sure BF has made some.Most insecurities are based on past history but after 5 years- I'd say things don't sound like they have improved.It is not a good way of expressing his displeasure by emotionally blackmailing you by giving you the cold silence; agreed. But why are you even putting up with this behaviour of his for 5 years?Much like he puts up with your behaviour of flirting for 5 years?Hmmmmm.
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female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (4 August 2012):
 Go...have a brilliant time. If he shows off then give him the red card :-)
If you don't go...he will have scored a major victory in controlling you and that will open the door for him to control everything you do.
Teach him a very important lesson. If he can't trust you then he needs to take a walk.
Have a lovely time xxxxx
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 August 2012): So he solves everything through emotional blackmail and is now not talking to you? What a great catch.
OP if you don't go do you know what that means? It means he controls you, it means he knows that if he throws his toys out of the pram that you'll cave to his demands.
After 5 years he still has trust issues? Holy shit OP that's a bit much isn't it?
My girlfriend is a flirt too, and that's what I signed up for. She enjoys a bit of a flirt, she finds it a bit of fun and knows her limits and my limits and has never and will never cross them.
You're not wrong for wanting to go but you are wrong for feeling guilty. OP what part of any of this makes sense to you, what part of this have you to feel guilty about?
Who's the selfish one here OP? It's certainly not you and you know what if he's not talking to you then don't bother chasing him down, he's the one massively in the wrong here he's the one who has to fix this. He doesn't get to say what you do or don't do with your life and he certainly doesn't get to throw a tantrum and make you feel guilty. What kind of immature prick treats their partner that way? We sign up to make each other happy, to support each other and to do what we can to make each others lives better, not make each other feel bad.
My girl would laugh in my face if I ever tried to pull that crap and called her selfish for wanting to do things without me. I swear if I ever pulled the silent treatment with her she'd just not bother contacting me until I had snapped out of it because she doesn't tolerate childish behaviour because she only wants to date men, not boys. She'd basically just tell me that she's going on that holiday and I'd be jealous I wasn't going to go somewhere nice and lay in the sun all day too but that's about it. In my mind her going on holiday means I can be a bit single for a couple of weeks, stay in bed until the afternoon, lie around the house in my underwear watching TV, play video games until the sun comes up, have dinner without washing the dishes straight away, go out for a full weekend drinking binge with my friends, head off for a bit of a trip with my friends etc. It would be great.
OP want to know why my girlfriend is intolerant of the kind of bullshit that your boyfriend pulls? It's not that she's some heartless bitch that doesn't love me, it's that she knows that letting things like that slide is very bad for the relationship. She knows that if she didn't go on that holiday because I emotionally blackmailed her that she would slowly start to resent me, she would feel very hard done by and stupid that she let me get away with that and it would eat away at our relationship and become something we wouldn't be able to turn back the clock and fix. There are no comebacks from that kind of thing OP. Especially after 5 years. That's far too long to still not trust you and that's a very bad sign if he thinks that he can emotionally blackmail you into doing what he wants based on a completely irrational and unreasonable excuse.
Is that really the kind of future you want? A guy who intentionally makes you feel bad about yourself for purely selfish reasons.
You have far bigger issues here than a simple holiday, it sounds like he has you completely wrapped around his finger, constantly pandering to his shitty little insecurities.
Yeah, he sounds like a great catch, you're very lucky to have him.
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A
female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (4 August 2012):
 Oh God...the "trust issues' again...
First, you have every right to go on holiday with your friend. Absolutely nothing wrong with that. Many people do it all the time. I've done it. My friends have done it. You have nothing to feel guilty about.
Now to the other....life would be so much easier if people would recognize 'trust issues' as the narcissistic self indulgences they really are.
Lack of trust implies injury, yes? What do people get when they are injured? They get special attention, special accomodations. We go out of our way to make sure they're comfortable, we fetch them whatever they want, we talk about whatever they want to talk about, we pay them compliments, we're careful not to say anything they don't like and while they're injured we don't expect them to do anything for us in return (anything they do is considered a very generous bonus for which we are especially grateful). Right so far?
Now what happens when that person recovers? Do they still get all that special attention? Nope. What would they have to do to keep getting that special attention? Keep getting injured.
Now what do people who have caused the injury do? They go above and beyond what everyone else does and they do it for longer because they feel guilty.
Do you see any similarities between what I described and your situation?
Your boyfriend actually has a great deal of trust in you. He trusts that no matter how outrageous his demands or his behaviour you will stay and keep loving him. Do you think he treats his male friends the way he treats you? Does he trust them more than he trusts you? Does he share more of himself with them than he does with you? Nope. It's because they won't nurse him the way you will. You keep doing it because you think your boyfriend wants to get well, but remember what happens when he's no longer injured.
The best medicine for trust issues is to treat the sufferer as if they didn't have any. Pandering to them reinforces them and it encourages him to rely on you for the security he ought to provide for himself. How long do you think you can serve as a crutch before you start to bend under the weight?
Be calm, confident and matter of fact. Say very little but make what you do say count. This approach is also useful if you don't feel totally confident in what you're saying at first. Do not make any allowances. Do not explain anything. DO NOT EXPLAIN ANYTHING. He can figure it out easily himself so give him the chance to do that. No more nursing old wounds.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 August 2012): He doesn't have the power to control your life, his trust issues are HIS issues and may come from previous relationship(s) and should no means be so childish not to speak to you because you're having a holiday with your best friend.
If I were you I would calmly tell him that you were doing these hols a long time before he came on the scene and he has to accept it is something you do. If he cannot handle one week then I agree with the advice that you should consider if you could stay with him as once you live together trust issues will be brought up again and again.
Good luck and enjoy your holiday with your friend : )
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (4 August 2012):
 Wow, your guy is a jerk for trying to emotionally punish you for doing something you have every right to do just because he doesn't like it. I'm married and I still go take a trip with friends once in awhile and he does too.
It's time for you to stop talking to him and DO NOT APOLOGIZE, nor keep telling him you didn't cheat or whatever. Tell him that he better get used to you taking trips, or you're not the woman for him.
This is serious. If you let him get away with treating you like this, that sort of thing is going to get worse. First it's a trip, next it's hanging with your friends, period. These things always get worse. Make your stand now.
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A
female
reader, BondGirl72 +, writes (4 August 2012):
 I do not understand what is wrong for wanting to go away for a weekend with your best girlfriend. If you allow him to control this, he will continue to do it for as long as you're with him.
Why does he have trust issues with you? Have you ever been away from him and given him a reason not to trust you? If you haven't given him any reason, I would bring this up.
Do not allow him to make you feel guilty. He is wrong in this situation.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (4 August 2012): o.m.g blondie30 is so rite. yes go on holiday. i go twice a year with friends and my gf is cool with it and she does the same with her mates. we do go away once a year as a couple tho as well so make sure you do that with him and then he will be happy.
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