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*ispachcops
writes:My daughter is a very mature 17 year old who has been homeschooled, just finished her first year at college. She is becoming good friends with a 26 year old man at church who is interested in her and would like to date her. They are both devoted christians, he has 2 children from a past marriage. I am thinking about telling them that they can go on dates (escorted and/or double date in public setting). Then when she turns 18, then they can consider dating. She has never been kissed and would like to save her first kiss for her wedding day. I would like other peoples take and ideas on this.
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female
reader, AskEve  +, writes (20 June 2007):
 I know exactly what you mean re the strict christian upbringing and I still think everything will be okay here. Like I said, she sounds mature enough, isn't rebellious and has a good head on her shoulders. There is no reason why she can't start seeing this man in company with others, they can still talk privately but being in the company of others means they won't be able to give way to temptation right? You need to trust her, ask her friend over for dinner or just round to chat. That way YOU will get to know him better too. In time your daughter will know herself if he's the one for her.
Eve
A
male
reader, Frank B Kermit  +, writes (20 June 2007):
 Hey.
If the following was the case:
In our family, dating is not a romantic thing, it is basically an interview process where you are seeing if the person that you are interested lines up with your ideals that you have set for your future life partner. It is not just a time to "hook up", like our current culture likes to do.
Then why would you ask for advice on this topic, given that you already have set ideals on it? I mean, what was the point of this if you believe that your way of life (which has its merits) is right for you already?
-Frank B Kermit
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A
male
reader, dispachcops +, writes (20 June 2007):
dispachcops is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI am actually her father. And yes, it is her wish to have her first kiss on her wedding day. We have very good communication between us. Little background on him, he got in with the wrong crowd (prodigal son), got married to a non-christian, who left him for the party scene. He has come back to church and wants to join the ministry eventually. He is a very loving father of his 2 daughters (age 5 and 4), and he is trying to get full custody of them now.
P.S. Kermit... Homeschooling is what got her to the point of where she is right now, straight "a's" in her first year of college (running start). She has had the choice of being home schooled or the option of going to school and she has chosen to be home schooled. Also, he knows that the only dating he is going to be doing with her until she turns 18 is with our family or escorted by someone in our family. This gives her a year to get to know him, where he is coming from, where he plans on going, etc. In our family, dating is not a romantic thing, it is basically an interview process where you are seeing if the person that you are interested lines up with your ideals that you have set for your future life partner. It is not just a time to "hook up", like our current culture likes to do.
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female
reader, i might be a girl but i can help +, writes (17 June 2007):
 i think u should let ur daughter do what she wants im a christen and im glad that now my mum and dad r finally letting me dowhat i want im just like ur daughter very mature and lways careful who i go out with. oh and don'talways live by the double dating thing my mum and dad wanted that but it doesn't work its worse and makes u want to leave and be bad i left the church coz it got bad every1 was tellin me to do this and do that so don't try and control ur daughter over wise u may push her away. let her make her own mistakes just be there for her. xx
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female
reader, PoSiOnKiSS +, writes (17 June 2007):
 Are you also planning on telling her when she can and cannot get married, the day she can get married, the right age she can have a baby? its not good for your daughter for you to be so controlling, because i can bet you if you deny your daughter a date with this man then she will just go behind your back. does your daughter know that you have her life for the next few years planend out on what she can and cannot do? and please tell me you were joking about the saving her first kiss for her wedding day, or is that just what you want? If these two have an interest in one another and they are both respectable human beings then i dont see why they shouldnt date. You say your daughter is so mature right?... but that means you dont trust her, because if you did you wouldnt be planning her life out for her and especially on dates!! And one last thing....what can you do about it if they did kiss or start a relationship? treat her like a 5 yr old and ground her. Im not meaning to sound harsh but parents like you really hack me off, because there are so many young teenagers out there in todays society where there catching STD`s and getting pregnant and dying from liver failure for drinking too much....yet you dont trust the mature ones!! Let her off that leash you have on her and let her make her own decisions.
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female
reader, AskEve +, writes (16 June 2007):
If this man is in your church then I take it you know a bit about him? Is he wholesome and of good character? If the answer to these 2 questions are yes then I don't see any reason why your daughter shouldn't get to befriend him and get to know him a bit better. If she's a fine upstanding woman, mature for her years then she'll have a pretty good head on her shoulders. Trust her and give her some space with him, I'm sure if she has good morals and values then she won't let you down.
Eve
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female
reader, O Connor  +, writes (16 June 2007):
 these 2 ppl sound very mature and due to the fact that they are devout christians, i cant imagine they would want to see eachother unless they were serious and knew wat they were doing. i think ur idea is very good and will also give them a chance to know eachother without jumping into a very serious relationship while also giving u a chance to get used to the idea of ur daughter with this man.let them know that they should take things slow and they will be mature in the choices
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A
male
reader, Frank B Kermit +, writes (16 June 2007):
If you think she is very mature, then trust her enough to let her make her own choices.
How devoted a christian is he if he has a past marriage? I mean, is he a widower, or divorced, or separated?
As for her first kiss on wedding day...is that something SHE wants, or something YOU want for her? Do you really think she would ever tell you about kissing a boy if she has done it? Are you feeling this becasue your first kiss was on wedding day? I think it is sad for her that at 17, she still has not known caring and affection by someone that was not a family member. That is probably the most unhealthy thing I read in your email.
I doubt this man has any sincere interest to marrying your daughter. He is an older man wanting to date a minor. First red flag.
I do not think you are doing your daughter any service however, by being this in control of her love life. At 17, going out on dates is something that she should be in a position to make basic choices for herself. I think you are a controling, and your decision to home school stems from that, and not an interest in better education.
I do not think that guy should be dating your daughter, however, I also think that you have your daughter on such a tight leash, that one day, she is going to explode and do lots of things just to feel that she made up for lost time and experience. You are winding the clock to the point where it will break.
I have dated enough women to know that the more you repress her in youth, the more daring she will act out as she gets older.
-Frank B Kermit
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 June 2007): Hello, i think personally you have nothing to worry about, your daughter is very mature for her age and this man seems like a decent man who wants to do things properly like take her out on a date etc. x
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female
reader, BEEN THERE DONE IT +, writes (16 June 2007):
 Hi there,
As a mum myself I can understand your worry here, a man 9 years older than your daughter who also has 2 children from a previous marriage, not the ideal situation I know, but nature has a funny way of taking its course, he must be a nice guy for you to allow her to go on a date escorted or not, you say your daughter is mature so therefore I take it you have a lot of trust in her too, I know it is hard but you have to tell your daughter you trust her choices in life as she is sensible...
If you try to discourage this relationship it will only push them closer trust her judgement if its meant to be then it will blossom if not it will in time faze out, just be there for her thats all you can do...
She is lucky to have a supportive mum and all her values will not be dropped by the way side if thats what she relly wants he will have to respect her wishes,
Hope this helps you good luck and don't worry she always has a great mum to turn to (she knows that) x
Love Donna xx
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