A
male
age
41-50,
*ennie321
writes:Should I leave my wife and especially my 2kids for my 4years realtionship with mistress?I cant seem to leave my mistress, she is 11 years younger than me, I bn married for more that 13 years, soon 14. I dont want her to meet soomeone else, the more I think about it, it gets me mad and 8 cant breath. I need to know if shes ok, I need to hear her voice when we dont see each other. Even when she gets busy from work or busy at her house and I dont hear from her I get worried. She has no kids, a promising future and she has a lot of talents. I love her, I really do ecen if I havent say I love you to her because I feel is better to keep stuff for myself. I dont want to hurt her, but I dont want to hurt my kids....Before I married my wife I cheated on her one time, but still imarried because I knew she was a great catch and I will have a good life. We have 2 kids together 9 and 6. My daughters are my life!!!!!!!During marriage, I cheated on wife many times with diff woman, I evne had a 3 years relationship with one, my wife never found out. I necer took all the women I bn out, not to restaurant, movies, a drive or far away, it was more to the motel or their apartments. I didnt care for then. They always ended up leaving me and I was ok with that.But!! I met her, the woman that is taking my breath away, i cant leave apart from her i need her like she needs me. I love her even if I dont tell her. And she loves me too, she shows me every time we hang out outside the room. We go out, movies, clubbing even I went to beach with her and it was amazing!!!! I never felt do alive...sometimes. I forget my other life, mot my kids, but the life i have with my wife because what i feel for my mistress is what makes me smile. Ofc my kids too. I see myself with her all the time, but every time that happens realliry hits and im back not able to sleep or just think a lot. I dont love my wife. She is the mother of my kids, I love her for that, but not as a woman I dont desire her. I guess I never did since I cheated so many times.Few months ago my best friend Carlos was starting to hang with my sister. He is maried with the cousin of my wife. I told him not to do it, since hes doing this during the circle of the family, he didnt listen. Simce that moment we are no longer friends. One day, he got so drunk that told my wife and his wife that I was cheating with a woman named I will not give.. my wife started asking questions and I didnt say anything sti I got tired and I told her yes I did cheat for 3 years but that relationship ended long time ago. I lied. It didnt end. Indact it still going. And I never told her there was other women. A lot more. She kicked me out of my house and I move with a friend for 3 weeks. I was away from my kids and house for 3weeks and I felt like dying not to able to say goodnight or check if my daughters are ok. I didnt say anything to my mistress, she didnt have no clue of what was going in my house. Now she knows, and its breaking her. I told her since day one I will never leave my kids, but I never thought of doubting this. I want to be with her, and just thinking about her moving on with her life and find someone to gve everything I cant give her it kills me.. I know I bn selfish. I tried to stay away from her but I cant.. I just cant I need her!!! My wife forgave me and im back home. But im still emtpy inside. My mistress ended things with me. She said she loves me but she needs time to heal her heart and to stop hoping one day will be together. I dong know what to do I want to be with her bu my kids needs a father. I cant leave them.. I have to sacrifice what my heart wants for my kids. I nedd to do this, but I feel lost without my mistress. I really feel lost without her. I know its a long story. Im sorry. Im so confused!!!!
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (6 December 2012):
 " All the girls didnt matter still I met the mistress. She changed everything. Itd her that I want. Not an obsession.. I know everyone deserves to be happy even the assholes like me and when I finally found the one thay I could be myself and not care what others would think of me."
You can not be yourself with your mistress either you know, not fully and completely. Because you could not be completely hers, and you could not share your life with her, and she could not see all the sides of who you are, just like you were limited in how much you could see of her. So even while she opened a door for you to see that there is more to life, you should be careful about putting all the responsibility on her. She can not make you happy, and she can not fulfill you, and she can not make you "be yourself". All of that is YOUR job, something you must do on your own. When you are yourself, on your own, you allow others to also see you for who you truly are. But if you can not be yourself on your own (like right now, you're doing things to please others etc.), then others will not get to know the true you either, and you will continue to be unhappy. It was you who married your wife because you thought it was the best thing to do at the time, even though you KNEW you felt differently for her. You didn't follow your heart, you followed the logic of the mass population, you did what you thought was expected of you.
Like I said before, you will not "leave your kids" even if you leave your wife. You can ask for shared custody, and move to the house next door or somewhere else nearby. I would also advice you to not keep any mistresses around in the folowing period, because they cloud your mind, and just become yet another person you are trying to be considerate of.
Take time to get to know yourself and find out what YOU want in life. Not WHO you want to be with, that's not the point. When you find out who you are and what you want in life, the person who you want to share your life with becomes not a reason for existence, but a compliment to your life (this is aside for children, children are a reason for existence as you have responsibility for them). But until you know who you are you are making people around you decide, and you go for the best available options rather than think long term. There might still be a woman out there who is much better for you than both your wife and mistress, you know. You should not close your eyes to this fact. So do not let this be about a person you want to be with, as if you have to choose. This is not about picking teams, this is about you figuring out who you are and what you want in life, and how to express yourself so you can get to where you want to be.
A
male
reader, bennie321 +, writes (6 December 2012):
bennie321 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI married my wife because she is a good woman, and ofc a great catch, I knew I was gonna have a great life with her, and I did loved her, but never fall for her. I met her and but I nerver felt like she was able to take my breath away. I have nothing bad to say about my wife, but im not happy. Never was. Thats why I was so selfish and stupid and did all the stuff behind her. All the girls didnt matter still I met the mistress. She changed everything. Itd her that I want. Not an obsession.. I know everyone deserves to be happy even the assholes like me and when I finally found the one thay I could be myself and not care what others would think of me. Im confused. Because I promised myself not to leave my kids. And im willing to let my mistress go so my kids can have a father figure at least.
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A
female
reader, Zaaleena +, writes (5 December 2012):
Can't say it any better than Aunty Em. You deserve all the feelings you are experiencing and as for your comment 'I don't need to read or hear as I already know that'. Actually you do because you're still continuing with this behavior.
May your daughters never find a life partner who is like you.
^^ Isn't that a truly sad thing to say?
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (5 December 2012):
 All I can think of is Mr. Spock's very wise statement
"Stonn. She is yours. After a time, you may find that having is not so pleasing a thing, after all, as wanting. It is not logical, but it is often true."
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 December 2012): If you do leave your wife and if your mistress is stupid enough to take you back, after a few years you'll either get bored with her and want your wife back or cheat on the mistress with someone else. I don't think you know what love is.
Read AuntyEm's post over and over again until it sinks in.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 December 2012): Hopefully this will put this in perspective for you. You have two daughters. Don't you know that the men that they choose to have are going to be fashioned after you. Would you really want them to have a man in their lives who habitually lie to them, cheat on them, play manipulative games with their emotions? That's what you are doing to these two women in your life. This is the type of man that you are portraying to them. Don't think because they don't know all of what you done that they won't pick a man like you because they WILL!
The first path to redemption is HONESTY! Quit lying! Stop lying to your wife your mistress and more importantly stop lying to yourself! You are not marriage material. You said you married your wife because you said she was a good catch. You then proceeded to constantly cheat on her. Then you met HER! What's so sick about it is you don't want your mistress to have no one else in her life but you can?! Really?! Its not only selfish but utterly ridiculous! Dude its time for you to grow up and realize the world don't revolve around you. Be real with your wife, mistress, and more importantly yourself! Find out what it is you need in life besides sleeping with a string of women. Be a good role model for your daughters and divorce your wife so you BOTH can be free.
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A
male
reader, bennie321 +, writes (5 December 2012):
bennie321 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAlso. I didnt want no more kids so I did my vasectomy. Then 2years later I met my mistress. Sometimes I fe like if leave my wife to be with the other woman, I wonder if she will keep up with me because im unable to have kids. I want kids with her... when I met her she told me that she doesnt wanr kid. Then a month later I told her that I did the vasectomy.... she was happy about it since she didnt have to use the pill. Anyways...
I know im an asshole and I deserve to be alone. I dont need to read or hear tjid when I already know that. My wife told me she forgave me because god told her too. She is a great person. She is good to me, but I dont love her. I tried to go out, even I went to Disney world to take my kids there, but I kept thinking of my mistress. My other woman loves me, she doesnt have to tell me that she loves me becuase i see how much she really loves me just by looking at her. I feel the same way but i dont tell her so because im afraid to be completely in love with her and i think i am. I found the woman that i could be myself and no more lies!!!! But my dear kids i cant leave them. Im so afraid to follow what my haft of my heart wants and something bad could happen to my kids. When i was away from home, i wwas still getting up early to take then girls to school and picking then up at the bus stop. I cant leave them. My wife and i agreed to still work things out for the kids. She told me she loves me. And i told her im sorry to cause you so much pain. Since the day she forgave me, I havent had intimacy with her and im glad because I dont want to. This is for my girls only and I know I have to let my other woman go. I know that, but I dont see myself without her. I know she deserve better, both do, but I cant even sleep. I need to hear from her every day!!!!!!!!!!!!...
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 December 2012): I couldn't believe it when I read your post. I mean, do you not have any remorse whatsoever for your actions? Marriage means FORSAKING ALL OTHERS...if you can't do this you should not be married. You certainly do not deserve your children. I feel sorry for your wife who does not know the whole truth. Spare her and your family from more pain...leave...NOW! This mistress must know you are likely to never be happy with any one woman and if you are cheating on your wife you most likely will cheat on her, if not now then in the future. You need help, or maybe you can just carry on living a life of going from one woman to the next and end up a lonely old man who can't keep his wotsit in his pants.
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A
male
reader, no nonsense Aidan  +, writes (4 December 2012):
It’s no wonder your mistress ended things. You talk about wanting to be with her and have considered leaving your marriage and family, but you haven’t even told this mistress that you love her? If it’s your mistress you want to be with you’d better tell her and don’t hold back when telling her about your feelings. Even if you need time to break the news to your wife that you are going to leave, perhaps she will give you that time if she knows you want to be with her. But if you carry on telling her that you will not leave your marriage, however honourable the reasons, you can’t expect her to stick around. You need to start having some honest and difficult conversations with the people in your life. The mistress: do you want to be with her? Are you prepared to tell her how you feel and find out whether she would want a relationship?
Your wife: Is there any part of you that would want to try and rebuild your marriage, or if it were not for the kids would you definitely leave her? If so, be honest with her and explain that you have met somebody else. Find out about your access rights to your children and speak to your wife when the dust settles about arranging visits with your children.
No-one can make this decision for you. But, if you and your mistress both want to be together and she accepts that your children will always be your first priority and understands all the challenges involved in having a relationship with some-one with kids, you don’t face a black and white choice between the woman you love and your children. Yes, your kids may find a separation hard to adjust to and you and your wife would ideally need to keep things civil to support them through that, but your kids won’t just disappear from your life because your marriage ends. Think really carefully, what and who do you want? Take responsibility for the difficult and uncomfortable conversations you’re going to have to have, with your wife, your mistress and maybe ultimately with your kids. But don’t think that you have to stay in an unhappy home to be a good father.
I wish you all the very best.
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A
female
reader, chigirl +, writes (4 December 2012):
"I dont want to hurt her, but I dont want to hurt my kids...."
In life we make a lot of decisions based on what OTHER people want us to do/don't want us to do. From this sentence it is clear that you ar emaking your decisions also based on what others want you to do, rather than what YOU think is best to do. Base your decisions on your OWN logic and intelligence, rather than trying to please everyone and in reality only delaying making a decision, because you know you can't possibly please everyone. Someone will have to be disappointed, be that your wife, your kids, your mistress, or yourself.
"I didnt say anything to my mistress, she didnt have no clue of what was going in my house. Now she knows, and its breaking her."
Your mistress might be younger than you, but she's still an adult. Anything "breaking her" about this was her OWN choice, and SHE must face the difficulties she willingly put herself into. Okay? Her burden is not for you to carry. Let her carry her own burdens andf her own responsibility. She knew you were married with kids. Nothing about this story should be "breaking her", she is an adult and capable of knowing that wives can find out things and that cheating has consequences. Leave her to deal with her guilt, it is not a burden for you to carry. But I think you carry it anyways, since you mentioned it, and from your posts it sounds as if you think YOU did something that was breaking her, that YOU did something to her that hurt her. You didn't. She knew what she was getting herself into, and if it hurts her now then she's got no one to blame but HERSELF. So hand that responsibility back to where it belongs.
Listen, you are still your kids father if you divorce your wife. As long as you make it your priority to be around them, you are not leaving them. You can leave your wife without that meaning you leave your kids. You can even file for full custody of them, although I think your cheating will make the courts favour your wife having custody. But you can still file for split custody, and for example move to a home that is nearby your wife and children, so that they can come visit often.
Life is not lived in ultimatums, although you word yourself as if it was. You'd "die without her". No, you wont die. You CAN live without your mistress. You wont stop breathing. Because your life is not lived in ultimatums. It is not either this or that, it's not white or black. It's a good mix of gray, and you pick the shade that fits best at the moment. So, what works best now, given the way the pieces have fallen? What do YOU want? And how can you get what YOU want?
Yes, you might call yourself selfish, but after all, you only live once and deserve to not live your life half ways, but to live completely and fully to the best of your capabilities. It is not illegal to divorce your wife, and you know you don't love her, and you know she would be better off with someone else who wont cheat and lie to her. You are not doing her any favours by staying, although thats what SHE wants. But it's not what YOU want, and to be honest, it's not really great for your children either. They will come to know of your cheating. Either they find out themselves, or your wife or someone else will tell them. What is best for your relationship with them, for them to see you are a lying cheater who couldn't make up his mind about what he wanted in life.... Or for them to see you as someone who made a difficult, but necessary choice, that in the end would be the best for everyone involved?
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A
female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (4 December 2012):
 I guess all the pain and confusion you are feeling is the price you pay for cheating and lying your way through a marriage and having sex with women you have no business getting to know in the first place.
You need to leave your wife and kids, to be honest you have already destroyed their lives and like a lot of kids, they are going to grow up and eventually know the truth about what you are...ain't no running from that.
You are never going to be a faithful person, even with the new woman, eventually you will cheat again so I'd let her go too, because you have already torn a hole in her heart (just can't help yourself can you)
In order to apreciate the gifts that life gives us, sometimes we need to lose it all to make us a better person.
You will never learn how truly selfish you are until everything you love gets taken away from you and whether you choose to continue the sham of a lie that your life is, or come clean for the sake of your wife and children...eventually you are going to lose it all.
I accept that there are men like yourself in the world, but they got no business getting married and having children, because they don't know how to love and respect them and ultimately the only person they love is themselves.
This love you claim to have for the new woman is more like an obsession. You feel obsessed because you know shes probably too good for you and deserves better and your male ego feels threatened.
You deserve the emptyness you are feeling, so enjoy it, because thats how you will feel for the rest of your life.
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