A
male
age
36-40,
*tsthingsinlife17
writes:I have no idea where to start. I am a 24 year old married man who just passed his 2 year anniversary. I am married to a somewhat sweet woman, but she isn't very open with her feelings which kills me. She has a very strong personality which throws me in loops sometimes. Sometimes it seems she is awkward in real sentimental situation or even fake. I just never had that real like "wow, we are so in love" moment. The deepest feeling and connection you get with someone. Sometimes she won't listen to me if we are in an argument. Even when I am right and she is wrong. She has thrown glass bottles at me and one time cut my foot open and didn't bother cleaning the glass up. That was all before our first deployment together. Then last year on the last month of deployment I started talking to the love of my life, my ex.Now her and I have a lot of history, about 7 years worth. Started from Arizona to Chicago to Florida. We had been madly in love with each other. Then we lost touch for a year and I joined the Navy not knowing she moved to Chicago which is right there by boot camp. When I made it to Florida that's when we rekindled our love for each other. Then 6 months later I went to finally go see her in Chicago. I had missed the plane that night so got on the plane the next morning. Made it there and waited in a hotel for her. When she arrived and I opened that door, she leaped into my arms and we had the most heartfelt kiss among two people that I to this day would have to say is still the most heartfelt. As that day went on I suppose she grew awkward, of course we completely jumped over the "getting used to being around each other" step, but I figured it would be al right and we would just take each other in with every blink of an eye and every breath. Just enjoying each other's presence and soaking it all in. She didn't feel that way. So, needless to say, she gave it one more day and 2 days later I was back in Florida, heartbroken. Then we the days turned into weeks into months. Seemed every 6 months we would check up on each other. A year later we started seriously talking again, but I was also talking to someone else too. She made me choose between the two. I had already went to see this other girl and things went great. So I chose the other girl over her because she hadn't hurt me and I knew that it would be right to give her the benefit of the doubt. Later I would realize that I should've chose her over this new girl. I had gone for a week to see this other girl again and she completely went psycho on me. I spent five days up there with her waiting for her to come around and stop being stupid. I wish I had left and spent those wasted five days with the one I should be with to this day. Six months later I found out she got married, so I started talking to other girls. I started talking to this one which she didn't seem to be in anything serious but we went with it. Then I found out she was pregnant too. That's when things with this other girl and I started getting serious and then we were married 7 months after we started talking. Thinking that there would be no way I would ever end up with the love of my life any more. I was content and happy with making a life with my wife. It seemed as if her and I would take action after the other would make an action i.e. she would find someone I would find someone and vice versa. Found out the guy she was married to was stationed where I was too! Figured that since we moved on with our lives with different people but that we all could hang out all the time. Never worked out and wife didn't like the idea when she added her when I was about to leave for deployment. I went to Italy for 5 months and had my wife come out for 43 days. Then the last month of deployment last year happened. We rekindled. Talked about everything, just as if we had always been together from 7 years ago and never let each other go. As if every decision we made was for each other and no one else. Giving each other chance after chance and just growing in love. We fell more in love with each other that last month than we had in the past 6 years at that moment. Then I came home.Homecoming was amazing, was just like another honeymoon. A month later, the wife found out about her and everything was almost over for our marriage. I could easily had ended it there. Her mother was there as a counselor and helped us through it. I didn't want to save our marriage, I wanted to finally take advantage of this moment in my life and live it with the love of my life and her baby boy (the son that should've been mine). With my wife living the life the other one should be living. However, I felt that since I was married to someone else, that the right thing was to make it right and do what I could to make it work. By all rights though she should've left me. One of the conditions though of course was to completely cut this other girl completely and entirely out of my life and every way of communication. My wife wrote very hateful messages to her and made me block her and give her access to every account (email, facebook, etc). After that day to a year later I have put up with so much bullshit, granted it's all my fault, but my wife has threatened to leave numerous times and had reminded me of what I had done pretty much every single day. A year later, she still hasn't gotten over it all or even over her. Every day since a day hasn't gone by where I haven't thought or dreamt of being with the other girl, the one I have always longed to be with. I feel stuck, and feel to treat my marriage with respect and as a sacred union just as it should be. Now I'm on deployment again.She emailed me, so randomly. Naturally with my wife having access to my email she saw this and for the past month she has been freaking out. I have told her she has nothing to worry about and I am not talking to her. For her still not being over what happened a year ago with her, she believes me, sort of. I am talking to her again though, but she is seeing someone now. I don't blame her, with her being completely let down from me dropping her out of my life entirely after my wife found out. Now she doesn't believe anything I say anymore just because I hurt her from dropping her like I did and because I didn't go by my word when we talked about being together again and finally making a life together, and then I had dropped her. I understand her position. Every time my password to my email changes, mostly from being hacked and changed, my wife acts like it's the end of the world and I'm up to something. When that isn't the case. It's been almost 3 months on this deployment and has happened several times and each time she goes psycho almost to the point where I just want to say "Fuck you!" I don't though. Whether it's because I'm being tolerant or soft, I don't know, maybe just respectful. I am scared and worried of the reprecusions of what would happen from a divorce, i.e. alimony, losing the house to her, just dealing with her being psycho. If I really was to leave my wife for the one I should've always been with because of how much I truly love her then I shouldn't be worried or scared of what would happen I should be willing to take those chances and those risks for her, right?I just never thought I'd end up being the man to talk to another woman other than my wife, or to ever get a divorce. The past 7 years have all been the result of this other woman in my life, she was always first. I always moved on if she found someone and she did the same. We both know we have always deserved each other and don't need to waste our lives with other people. Don't want to live separate lives for 40 years to realize that we need each other finally and had just wasted the past 40 years with the wrong people. Seems our timing has been horrible and quite regretable.Any suggestions, comments, advice, help, anything will be appreciated. Especially if you've made it through my life story you've already earned my respect. Thank you!
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, maverick494 +, writes (12 August 2012):
I just want to add one thing to the excellent advice already given:
You're in charge of your own happiness. You can point fingers at your wife for making you unhappy, or you can think to yourself: "I married her, I made that choice, now I deal with the consequences." No woman wants to marry a guy who never loved her. If you want something in life, go and try to get it. But don't blame others for the mess you make in the process. Cowards do that.
A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (12 August 2012):
 One question... Why did you marry your wife? You say you never truly loved her, while you are calling your ex the "love of your life".
You made a huge mistake marrying. You lied to yourself, and you lied to your wife. I think that now you're stuck in this situation because you willingly put yourself there. What happens next? You make another decision, perhaps divorce, and then in not too long we'll hear from you again, this time saying "I filed for divorce to be with the love of my life, but now she isn't nice to me, and I realize how much I miss my wife. My wife, however, has found a new man! What do I do??"
You come off as unsure about what you actually want in life, and what you actually want out of relationships. You married on the wrong premises, but you are also looking to divorce on the wrong premises as well. Stop for a moment and truly think things through before you make a decision. And then don't play the "poor me" card again. You are single handedly responsible for everything that goes on in your love life. You can't blame your wife that you married her, and you can't blame your ex for you wanting a divorce. Its all on YOU. Take responsibility, and stop looking for excuses.
If your exes baby boy should have been yours, then he would have been yours. I don't know why you didn't marry your ex, but clearly there were obstacles. Obstacles which you seem to forget in your glorification of this affair. I say, it's time for you to act like and adult and take responsibility for your actions and follow through with your decisions.
"We both know we have always deserved each other and don't need to waste our lives with other people"
That's just a load of fluff. If you both "knew" this then she wouldn't have had a baby with someone else, and you wouldn't have married someone else. It's time to face the facts here, I think. That you and your ex aren't a match made in heaven, you aren't meant to be, and you have now cheated on your wife, for several years, causing your marriage to be dysfunctional as a direct result. If "the love of your life" is so precious to you then a house and an alimony shouldn't prevent you from being with her. Yet, your ex might not really be as important to you as you like to imagine she is. You still have not divorced, even though you said you should have a long time ago... whats stopping you? Maybe you don't really know what you want.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (11 August 2012):
 Wow, shame on you for stringing along your wife and trying to make her the bad guy in this.
You married a girl you didn't really love while pining for your ex. No wonder your wife doesn't want to open up to you at all, why should she? It's not like you would reciprocate her feelings, you are ALREADY emotionally and physically involved with someone else.
Divorce your wife, so she can find her own happiness. And you can ride into the sunset with your "ex".
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A
female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (11 August 2012):
 You cheated your wife into the marriage. You had no business marrying her when you clearly never loved her. You are now portraying her as a psycho and you want validation for your actions, you basically want to hear that you are not wrong in any way and you shouldn't be worried or scared about leaving her for the woman you supposedly love. You know what, you should be very worried.
You're not quiet because you're tolerant or soft, you're quiet because you're in the wrong and you know it. What on earth were you thinking getting married at 22?! You're barely out of your teens, you're clearly not able to take decisions, you're married to a poor woman whom you refer to as psycho, you're pining for another woman and you want people here to tell you to stop wasting the next 40 years of your life with the wrong person! You know what OP, stop romanticizing everything so much. Man up and for heaven's sake take some responsibility. You cannot behave like a kid and have whatever you want. Your wife has a right to be mad at you, tell me please what would you have done if you were in her place?
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A
female
reader, babyzbird  +, writes (11 August 2012):
 I agree 100% with BondGirl72. Do your wife a favor and get a divorce. Your wife deserves much better.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 August 2012): I read your post and honestly you portray your wife as being this horrible woman, but you have cheated on her, lied to her, disrespected and decieved her throughout your marriage, no wonder she is ticked off. I can understand why she is cold, and why after only one year she still hasn't gotten over the betrayal her husband (YOU) have put her through. Your wife deserves to be truly loved by someone who deserves her love in return. You have always loved your ex, and as such you should show your wife the respect she deserves and file divorce. I can tell you it takes a lot longer than a year to get over your partner cheating on you, and seeing as though you are still in contact with your ex, your wife has a very good reason not to trust you.
Take responsibility for the situation that you have created yourself, and stop blaming your wife. You were hoping that she would leave you so then you wouldn't have to feel the guilt over hurting her and face the responsibility for your actions, but it seems as though that is exactly what you have to do.
I am not trying to be harsh, I have loved someone that through circumstances I haven't been able to be with, and I have remained single because I could not hurt someone else by pretending to love them because I can't have the person I really want. I have also been the one who is cheated on because he was with me and he truly loved someone else, and I wouldn't wish that on my worst enemy, it hurts like hell.
In your heart you want your ex, so I say divorce your wife, and give her the respect of finding someone who truly loves her and who can make her happy. Unless you can truly get over your ex, you and your wife will continue hurting one another and not find happiness that you both deserve. Good Luck.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg +, writes (11 August 2012):
 I could never stay married to a person who physically hurt me. It's better to rebuild your life, start all over again than to worry that one day you will be killed, at home. You can't do anything until this woman, your "love of your life," gets a divorce and move out with her child. Feelings of romance is important, but it won't be practical when you don't have the right environment to support your relationship. If you have issues of trust and security then your military job is not so suitable for family and marriage life.
Whatver this woman says, I think you should proceed with the divorce. Allow yourself time to be single and think about what you really want in a partner.
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A
female
reader, BondGirl72 +, writes (11 August 2012):
 This seems pretty simple to me. You have always wanted to be with the other woman and have cheated your wife out of a strong marriage. Now you are portraying your wife as cold-hearted and crazy so we will all feel sorry for you and tell you to get a divorce and go be with the other woman. Which is exactly what I am going to tell you. Respect your wife enough to get a divorce so that she can go on to find someone who is truly in love with her. You say that she is the one being fake, but it sounds to me like you have been faking love for her all along. You have faked respect for her and the institution of marriage too. You married one woman when you were in love with another and continued to see the other woman behind your wife's back, so you were also deceptive.
What I don't understand is why would you marry your wife if she's as cold-hearted and fake as you say she is? It seems to me you would have known who you were really in love with before you got married seeing as how you were already in love with your ex at that time.
I can understand why your wife is cold and ticked off enough to throw things at you. No offense, but having a running fantasy of another woman isn't enough to ruin a marriage, but it looks like you have accomlished that.
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