A
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age
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*uy619
writes:Should I keep trying to make this relationship work?I have known my partner for 9 years. We are in late 30s ealry 40s. We nearly got together twice before but remained close friends and then finally three years ago we did. She had many partners and used to confide in me sometimes but within this she always suggested she wanted more with me. I would never get involved until I knew that she had stopped relations with the others. In the first 3 months of being together we slept in the same bed every night apart from when I was working away. She had some pain from a back injury which went on for over a year and she needed and asked for a lot of support, both physical and emotional, during that period. She described me as 'always being there' for her and as someone who 'looked after her'. Our physical realtionship during that period built slowly and involved a lot of touching and intimacy but we did not have full sex until 2 weeks before the first Christmas. I always felt something for her and I gave in to my feelings and fell in love before she stayed for the first night. After our first Christmas together, where she introduced me to all of her family, she went out with an ex for a drink. She didn't tell me she was going to do this and I didn't feel this was right. When she returned I challenged her about this. My point was that he was the last guy she had slept with, that this fling was purely physical, and so it was obvious that it would be problem for me. In anger she then told me that he wasn't the last person she had slept with: That she had been seeing another ex from time to time for dinner and uncomplicated sex. I felt sick to hear this. Her arguement was that even though we were sleeping in the same bed together in the first few months of our replationship she didn't think we were 'together' and so her occasional sex with the 2nd ex was nothing to do with me. She was so angry with me that I agreed to never mention this again and to move on. I kept to this. In the months that followed I felt more insecure about our relationship and started to feel low. She was spending quite alot of time with her boss outside of work hours. Coffee, teas etc. He clearly liked her, offering to give, and giving, her a foot massage and letting her lay down in his quarters at work. To try to cut this story down a little she went away with him on business and he kissed her twice. She said it was once and he said it was twice so I didn't know what to belive. The reason I found this out was that I went to pick her up when she returned and found her in a pub with him holding hands across the table. I was jealous and and angry and hurt. She also had a continuing friendship with another significant ex who she admitted was the love of her life but who didn't want her. She continued to find out where he would be going out and arrange to go there with a girlfriend. Another ex she owed money to, and so still needed to have contact with him too. There were and are other ex's around. One who was in love with her for years (still is) who she still sees for coffee - this guy she ended up sleeping with one night ('just sleeping') as is was 'too late for him to go home'. One guy from abroad texts her from time to time when he's in the country but she never wants me to meet him. She recently told me that she had texted him to say that she couldn't meet up because she had a jealous and posessive boyfriend. It was almost three years before she mentioned to him that she was in a relationship with me. He was annoyed apparently and said he thought that she was someone who was too independent to be possessed. I didn't have any feelings about this guy until it was clear that she didn't want me to meet him and that he didn't know she was involved and that she would have him round for dinner while I was at work. There were other guys - too many to mention. Some I felt alright about and some I didn't. After I found her holding hands with her boss she left the country on a tour as she 'wanted to get away'. She asked me to look after things for her at home which I did. We have seperate places but have lived together for 3 years staying in one or the other. On her trip she wouldn't tell me where she was going, wouldn't give me a telephone contact number and wouldn't say when she was coming back. During this period she was in constant text contact from abroad to her boss here at home. During this persiod also I began to have what can only be described as a breakdown. I found myself crying and panicking and feeling unloved and left out and jealous, alone with fleeting thoughts of suicide. I called the Samaritans one night and in that conversation I realised I needed help. I started counselling sessions the next day. I spent a year in counselling. While she was away she ended up in bed with a bar owner she had never met before. She hitched a lift late at night. She also had a guy stay with her and danced and drank with him at night - but 'nothing happened apart from one kiss' She went to a secluded beach late at night with another guy she met who undressed as soon as he got there. And in the last week after she had started texting me again she made another friendship with a guy who's flat she would go to for early morning breakfasts. I found this out becasue this is what she told me. She said she wanted to marry me while she was away too. This was the day before she ended up in bed with the bar owner.Maybe I had been sending her crazy with how insecure I was and how jealous etc etc. But I have searched and searched inside myself for the answer to this. I admit I have been jealous. Rationally jealous when something has seriously threatned our relationship. But I have curbed aany irrational jealousy and have not accused her of things that are untrue.In all the time we have been together she has never been able to express her feelings. She has never said that she loves me. I still love her and want to tell her often but early on in our relationship she made me stop telling her that I love her or showing signs of affection. I have not been able to ask her anything about where she goes or what she does when we are apart - even if I'm at work for 12 to 14 hours a day I mustn't ask her anything. I like to communicate so often I will tell her about my day and the people I have had to deal with. Funny stories, sad sometimes and just sharing my day. I have felt totally emotionally controlled and inside have felt broken for a long time. Recently I have felt stronger. She has told me she can't say I love you because she doesn't know if love exists. She says she doesn't know if she is 100% with me but at the same time wants me to buy a house in the country. I am confused by this. She wants to move with me but isn't 100% with me. For what it's worth , and I don't know what means, if anything, I am the breadwinner. Even though we have seperate living arrangemets I pay for almost everything. She does very little work and earns just enough to buy herself personal items and coffees. Her days are spent getting up late, occupying herself by reading or other hobbies and meeting up with friends for coffee or drinks. I still love her. I can't break the relationship but she now doesn't want me physically anymore and kissing has almost stopped. She hardly comes near me and yet she still says she wants to have a house in the country with me. I have had my trust in her broken and mended many times. I don't think she is having an affair now although she did dispappear one night and ended up staying the night at an old flames flat 'in the spare bedroom'. I'm not allowed to meet certain friends and she has always wanted to keep seperate parts of her social life. I feel low when I think back on this but I know also that she has been treated so badly by some guys before. She has also broken a fair few hearts. I still try to do what I can for her but I'm starting to feel resentful of my efforts being thrown back in my face and I don't like this feeling in me.I can't live with the thought of seeing her with a new partner as I still really want her but I'm beginning to think that maybe I should give up. I haven't wanted to have an affair and I am not in touch with any of my ex partners. I don't know what to do next. This is affecting my work, family, friends. I have almost stopped seeing friends. She also periodically asks me if I have been in touch with my ex partner. The answer is always no becasue we are not in touch. But once I suggested that it would be nice to know that she was ok and that maybe having a coffee would be a good thing in the same way she keeps in touch with ex's. She became angry and defensive and this is a recurring pattern.I don't know if I should keep trying. Should I stay with her?
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male
reader, softtouchmale2003  +, writes (15 August 2009):
 She's not ready to settle down with anyone including you. Its time to just like her, ask her to let you go and you will be happy to be with someone else.She may stop her philandering, but it seems to me she has a desire to rely on many men to carry the day for her and unless you can tolerate that, you will be unhappy. You can try all you want but it will ultimately fail.
A
female
reader, Nikki1988  +, writes (12 August 2009):
Hello=) I came upon this page when I was on a random rampage to try and find some information about how to make my own relationship better...First of all, I have to admit that after reading about how this girl treats you, I feel pretty damn good about how Im acting in my own relationship at the moment, and also I have come to realise that theres nothing really wrong with the way my boyfriend is acting either. ok, so we have our differences as we are from two different parts of the world and we are still figuring stuff out, but man, this girl you are with sounds awful!Now dont take this the wrong way as I do not mean any offence by it, but she seems like a plain horrible person. ok, so she wants to stay in touch with her exes...why is she keeping it a secret from you? why arent you allowed to meet them? why does she end up sleeping over at their place? coffee? thats fine, but all the other things should be almost completely unacceptable! Especially if she admits that shes still into one of them or if you know that theres something going on between her and her ex..hmm...ok...you say youve been in a relationship for three years? well then, ask yourself this...why does she sleep with other guys? why does she randomly take off and why on earth does she deny you to ask her questions and be curious about her life??let me tell you one thing...relationships are ALL about mutual respect, common grounds, trust, communication and love! and theres the physical part as well! what is her problem really? she sounds like the controlling one in your relationship. she also sounds like she is using you.I am really sorry to say this, but I honestly believe that she is using you. she might care about you but she obviously has some sort of mental issue. the way she is treating you should be unacceptable!! Im serious! it has nothing to do with you controlling HER, but take the control back in your OWN life!you need to tell her straight up that you dont like to be treated like that. Love is not a one way street and it seems to me that your giving and all you get back is an angry, bitchy alcoholic who doesnt appreciate you and who walks out and makes friends with every guy she can find.she really does sound like this girl I met recently who tried to take my boyfriend away from me because she has a crush on him and she has had one for a very long time. when she didnt get what she wanted she turned to me and started trying to force me to break up with him. shes now having a kid with her boyfriend and she still tried just a few weeks ago! it is horribleeven though sometimes I dont really like men because they can be mean bastards too, I truly believe that you do not deserve to be treated like this. Pull away from her. tell her you are the one who needs distance and that you need some time to think because the way shes been acting is only making you depressed and insecure and let her know that she cant keep pissing her life away. she needs to learn this so you need to stop paying for everything. if she wants dinner, she can pay for her bit. if she cant afford it and you know it in advance then tell her no she cant go out because she cant afford it and you aint paying for it.as a girl myself, I think she should have to put up with that. If she gets more desperate to be with you and actually learn from her mistakes then you can take her back and start again but dont be the one to follow her around like a pet dog or something. it only gives her what she wants which is power. and she does have alot of power over you if she has been able to keep you around for this long treating you like this.Why do I have the right to say this? well...I am a girl. I have read your stories. I know what you are talking about. Also, I know that there are so much better out there. Let me show you:in my relationship, my boyfriend and I share our expenses as equal as we can. I am currently out of a job, but I am actively looking and as long as I dont have one I get a scholarship and if my boyfriend has to pay for everything all night once, then we agree that Ill pay next time, or when I can afford it. Also, I cook for him and do laundry when I can. If my boyfriend tells me he is feeling a bit jealous about a guy I know I either let him meet the guy, tell him about it to reassure him that nothing is going on or cut out the guy I know....why? because if thats what it takes to keep my relationship going then Im willing to make that sacrifice. sure, we fight every now and then over stupid things and he does have an anger issue and sometimes I worry that he doesnt give me as much as I give him...but really, you can not change a person. she wont let you change her and she wont change for your sake, so why have you changed? why should you be the one to let go of everything to be with her?heres my tip. dont call her. if she walks out then dont freak out and start calling and texting. if she calls you, try not to pick up all the time. if she asks you why then tell her that you were busy at that time. if she accuses you of going behind her back then calmly explain that she has nothing to worry about and that you would never do that to her. If she asks for you to take her out for dinner then you let her know that as long as she is acting the way she is, you are not going to finance everything she does. Tell her that you cant afford it. tell her that you need to save. then you should take up contact with your friends. hang out. have a life outside of this girl. take up contact with your ex if you want, but not to get back at your gf, simply because it would be nice to catch up. Dont be available to her all the time. if she gets angry, then let her. be calm about it. I am not telling you to be an asshole, just dont let her freak you out or make you upset when theres nothing behind what she is saying and especially when she has no reason to say so. tell her that she cannot apply rules to you that does not apply to her. let her know that you are not her little puppy or the guy she calls when she wants food or sex.occasionally you should try and do nice things for her like romantic dinners etc, but dont do too much of her dirty work, like laundry etc.the main thing is...if you think about this...the way she is treating you right now is the way she might always be...even if you do end up marrying this woman she will still be the same, unless she herself decides that she is willing to change for you. can you imagine how she would be treating your kids if she didnt decide to change?so Im going to ask you, unless you have already realised this...are you really going to try? is she really worth it?there are plenty of nice girls out there and it seems she is with other men even though you are together so why worry about it when youre not together? at least shes not hurting you anymore. you seem like a pretty decent guy whos willing to sacrifice alot for love, but this is just too much. stand up for yourself. shes not worth it. trust me.xxx Nikki
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reader, pepper27 +, writes (1 June 2009):
 Hi Sweetheart
I havent read any of the other answers. From what you have written you seem to be a very reliable trustworthy helpfull understanding person and alot more....The thing here is this woman feels it is ok to do anything she wishes causing you pain along the way, Not one person I believe would go out of there way to hurt another if they are not hurting themselves and the men in her life seem to be her security she canot commit to one..She needs attention which says insecurity and it comes out in a way that is hurting you so much that I feel you need to step back from this.
She has a good life with you hunny and why would she want to give it up if you are offering the security of a house she will always have you to fall back on no matter what. YOU MATTER AS WELL!
All the help you have had to get because of the depression of this relationship tells me you will never be able to rest within..We all need to feel comfortable in our relationships it should not make us scared to speak, depressed, upset and wondering whats going on all the time..walking on egg shells is not good for the soul...
You have come to a point of not knowing what to do..completely unhappy. Hunny take a step back really think and feel what you really want out of life..I no you said you love her I loved my ex husband very much but there I was trying to make things better when it was not me who was making the problem in the first place and when I did take that step back and left and started to heal I became stronger and learnt alot..If you want to write to me again love please feel free TAKE CARE OF YOU WITH LOTS OF LOVE N HUGS MANDY XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
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reader, Guy619 +, writes (28 May 2009):
Guy619 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionhow_unsearchable, & silvershocker123 thanks for your responses. I think I need to add that I would agree with you if a guy has been texting and constantly ringing - but this is not the case here. Your take that she sent a message to put my mind at rest saying nothing was wrong I feel is not what was happening. Something was wrong. She was anry that I couldn't or maybe she saw it as 'wouldn't' pay for flights and accomodation to see her family. By the way, the primary reason for her wanting to visit her familay was so that she could make some money through a work deal. This deal wouldn't be enough to buy the flights alone and would just be cash for her - so I felt that it just wasn't a viable option. I know that sounds harsh but I have realised that all the time I am subsidising her lifestyle she is pocketing her cash and also paying off a debt that she has had for years - way before we were together. In effect I am paying her debts and supporting her lifestyle and outside of that she does little to help me - be it a lift to the station (if my car is in the garage) or getting up on an occaisional morning and having breakfast together (and I mean 'having' breakfast together not making breakfast for me)- also I do all her washing too as she doesn't have a washing machine. If she needs something to wear she asks me to iron for her - (she never - and I mean never - irons) I'm ok at ironing and mostly I don't mind. But usually I have enough to do ironing my own clothes for work.
Mostly her day starts at 11 or midday or later and mostly that is due to the amount she drinks. She is aware and has said that she wants to cut down - and I have tried to arrange evenings where alcohol is not an integral part -but it doesn't happen. A guy she used to hang out with alot used to buy 3 bottles of wine at the end of an evening when they had already been drinking for 4 or 5 hours and then they would drink them. They did this almost nightly. She gets moody and bored if there is no alcohol in the house. Often I go out late to buy some and then she is smiling again. She can drink me under the table and if we are with friends she will stay up until 3,4,5am in the morning moving from beer to wine to brandy and back to wine. I just can't do that. I drink wine with a meal or have a few beers and get tired. I don't really 'go out with the lads' - I prefer to meet up with a friend and catch up by talking rather than just drinking. I also have to be up for work at 6am and drinking excessively makes work almost impossible - I would have to sleep in until midday each day, which is often what she does.
I have tried to explain another layer to our relationship here. I totally respect your responses and ideas and I know that everyone has to change and no-one is perfect. One of my problems is that I don't like to leave the washing up until the following morning and I don't like smoke. I tend to give those close to me a hard time about some stuff and they think I'm a bit preachy sometimes - I accept that and I think they do too. They always get their own back on me though and often enjoy my grumpy complaints. I'm not perfect - but I don't think controlling is one of my strong points as I tend to allow control to be fostered upon me - which I think is to do in part with a fear of responsibilities. I have to tried to be as objective as I can and to clarify some things. I would be greatful of your responses if you have time. Thank you once again.
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reader, Guy619 +, writes (28 May 2009):
Guy619 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for your responses. I understand the need for freedom and space within a relationship and of course everyone needs that from time to time. I do agree with your assessment that if a person needs to have time alone then that is fine - and not only fine but a good thing. My reason for contacting her straight away and being concerned that she didn't answer my calls was that it was so out of character for her to just disappear. This wasn't a case of her saying hey 'I need to get away and do a few things and have some time to myself.' - I found today that she went to lunch with a guy. Lunch is also a normal thing to do - but to need to disappear without a word? The guy is a nice guy who I know too and I don't have any worries about it. But why leave silently wihout a word? I'm sure that most people would think it slightly strange - afterall even friends say bye when they are leaving. Even if there is nothing 'going on' then surely it is better to be open and transparent and communicative about plans? - and no reason not to be really. She contacted me later saying she was hungry and wanted to go out for dinner and to a movie which we did. The day after she needed some practical help at her place which also involved paying a bill and then she wanted to go out for lunch, which we did. At the moment it seems the only time she wants to see me is when I am either buying dinner of taking her out. The rest of the time she seems in a bad mood. Her mood always lifts if we go out and especially if ter is alcohol to drink. I pay for everything - including some of her bills and although that certainly doesn't entitle me to her company it feels wrong. I take your point that it could be considered controlling to not allow someone time to themselves but I think I need to clarify something. This is not what is occuring here. I am not allowed to ask anything. She asks where I have been, where I am going, who I have seen and gets angry if she feels I haven't told her something. For example I had booked an appointment to see an advisor at my bank and because I didn't tell her she accused me of hiding things from her. On the other hand if I ask her how her day has gone in very general terms she gets angry and says she doesn't want to have to say anything about what she has been doing. So far this site has been very helpful in clarifying some of the things that have been going on in my relationship but I feel that unless a really true picture, and an objective picture, is drawn then the responses can only be reflex reactions to single area that has not been explained properly. Her disappearance came after I mentioned that I may have to work rather than take her to see her parents, which would involve flights and accomodation -all of which I would have to pay for. She is also still talking about me buying a place in the country and wants to know how much money I have saved and how much I can raise. I don't want to control my partner and have actively encouraged her to spend time for herself - either on her work projects (which she often gets depressed about and feels that she hasn't tried very hard at all to pursue) or whatever else but I feel there is an imbalance in emotional input and consideration for the other person. I work full time often more than 12 hours a day. I have been off for a couple of weeks and when I said that it felt strange, 'like a real holiday', to be eating lunch and relaxing with a drink and then spending a lazy afternoon she said 'welcome to my world'. I don't expact the person I am with to be at my call all the time. I do expect her to need time to persue her own things. I hope I have been able to explain things a little better than in my last update. I value your response. Thank you.
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reader, silvershocker123 +, writes (28 May 2009):
First i had thought that it was all her fault but i think that you are just too conrolling. I mean she is a woman if she wants to get out of the house for a little you have to not mind it and leaving a note and all of that stuff...well it doesn't sound too good. At first when i heard all of the things that you had said i thought that she was a complete b---- and that you just had to get out of the realtationship but i think that though she has to change a bit so do you...
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reader, Guy619 +, writes (27 May 2009):
Guy619 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for your responses to my initial question. I have gone round and round in circles and at times have made myself useless both at work and as a person. Pretty much lost who I am in this. But I can't give up.
I have thought about putting this to her before but the main thing that has stopped me is fear. Fear that she will say 'I need a little time' - something she has done before and more than once. Fear that I might be pushing her to do something - but knowing that she doesn't ever want to be pushed - so then I can blame myself and say it's my fault again.
Since my last update we have spent quite a bit if time together. I arranged a day at the where we went in town early, booked tickets for the theatre, went to a special coffee shop, then to a restaurant after the show & drinks in town on the evening etc - a real full day of doing nice stuff. She admitted that she didn't weant to scome in to town with me and that she just wanted to turn up at the theatre and go for a meal - but that she really enjoyed spending time together. We went over to a couple we know and stayed over which was nice and have been to the cinema and a couple of other outins too. Yesterday there was nothing special planned and today she just upped and left when I was in a differnet part of the house. I looked around and she'd gone - so I called but she rejected my calls. I texted her and she didn't respond. then I left her a message saying that I just wanted to speak to her quickly to make sure she was ok as she just left without a word. Then I got a text saying 'had to get out - want to go to the cinema tonight?' which I found bizarre considering she wouldn't answer her phone. After a while I tried again and she answered and was clearly not in a good frame of mind. I explained that I was worried and wanted to know that she was ok as she hadn't lefta note or anything. She exploded saying I want to 'own' her and that she wants to be able to do what she wants when she wants and that we are different. She also said the realtionship isn't working. I managed to not panic and not to spiral down emotionally and tried to explain that it seemed out of character as she had never done that before. I don't understand the huge mood swings and changes in her. She said that our relationship reminds her of an ex who she was besotted with but who would never admit to having a realtionship with her (even when living together. (She still hasn't got over him properly as she still gets upset talking about him) Is she reliving this pain she felt from that and taking it out on me? It certainly feels that way. And what is still more confusing is that she was talking about me going with her to see her family for a week soon so that she can do a little work there too. Also that she still is talking about getting a place together. I feel I'm in a straight-jacket - and I'm getting low again. But within my complaints I want to understand what is happening with her. Sorry for going on so. If you have any thoughts I would be greatful. I would be greatful of your responses if you have time.
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reader, silvershocker123 +, writes (24 May 2009):
Hey,
First of all you are not jealous. If you are not jealous having seen all of the things you have i think that you have the right to be jealous. Moreover, having heard about the way she treats in you public it seems very apparent that she is not in anyway acceptance of the fact that you are her partner. It only reduces you to be just a provider for her rahter than a partner.
By asking her to make a choice what i mean is that you have to get her to understand your situation something that goes something like 'I have put in 9 years of my life trying to have this relationship work between us, having no emotional feed back from you and seeing from the way that you act with me when we are alone and even worse when we are out in public i am only left to assume that you don't have the same feeling for me as i do for you. And now its the end of the road and i want you to make a choice either we are going to make this work or not. But i assure you i won't stick around anymore when i am at your doorsteps waiting for you to let me in while you go around shopping for a better guy. And judging from the way men have left you once they had gotten what they want from you..... now you know what's a rational choice. ' and from there on if she says something like she is not sure or she needs more time don't think for another second get a gym membership get a good jacket and hit the bars. I am sure due to your emotional turmoil you might have alienated some of your friends, but what you neeed now just a few drinks and take the road to get yourself to make you feel better.
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reader, Guy619 +, writes (23 May 2009):
Guy619 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionQuestion - What choice can I ask her to make?
Silvershocker123 - Thanks for your response. I understand it to a point. The idea of it finishing and the possility of it affecting any future relationship and the time needed to get over it... but can I ask you to clarify what you mean by asking her to make a choice? If she is not in love with me, both physically and emotionally, and is in a state of comfort - what is she choosing? To stay with me
(and her own state of comfort) but not feel 100% part of the relationship? Or is it possible to ask her to make a choice about being in love with me with all that entails?
At the moment it is very confusing to be with her as she is effectively choosing to encourage me to buy a place in the country, for us to live together there, at the same time as being the way she is toward me and in the realtionship. She said to me once don't give me an ultimatum. We never spoke about it after that.
I'm not sure I want to spend the rest of my life with a person who denies (sometimes) that she is in a relationship at all, and other times omits to mention to guys she meets that she is a relationship, with the result that more than a few guys get the idea that she is 'available' and start leaving presents for her - some quite expensive, calling her, texting her, leaving postcards asking to meet up, turning up at her place. I know this because I have seen some of the presents left and she has told me of some things. I sound jealous - and I have to admit that I have felt this - but I feel much worse about being denied and excluded as her partner. Is it too much to want to be recognised as her partner? I am proud of her and always I'm happy to talk about her and introduce her and include her. I really don't want her to feel left out if I'm with friends or work colleagues. I don't know what her need is but it seems that I can not fulfill it. By the way, I am mostly not allowed to meet these guys. Even when, on occaision, I have been allowed to accompany her to one of her evenings out (with her circle of friends) she makes sure to stay apart from me, doesn't want to introduce me unless it looks like I'm just someone she knows who is there too - and definately I am not allowed to show her signs of affection. I spend the evenings feeling blocked out and usually paying for all the drinks and driving and a meal. That sounds so petty to say that but I have felt used sometimes. I try not to be mean about money - infact because I had little money when I was young I tend to overdo it when it comes to paying for things for friends. I don't pay to feel good or in control - just so that I don't feel bad at not paying my way.
Thanks again.
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reader, silvershocker123 +, writes (23 May 2009):
No problem at all... Love hurts especially when you know that you have put in 9 years of your life only to find yourself in a state of confusion. But i think its time that you asked her to make a choice, because the fact of the matter is that if it does end at a point in the near future on its own rather than you ending it....its going to make you feel weak. And the effects of which may alter the next relationship. So ask her to make a choice because the longer it goes on lingering the longer its going to take you get over her and the longer its going to take you trust the next person that may walk into your life.
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reader, Guy619 +, writes (22 May 2009):
Guy619 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionSilvershocker123 - Thank you for your very helpful response. I have to say that the distinction you draw of my partner being in a state of comfort rather than in love with me emotionally & physically rings true. But I don't understand why she would stay with me for that. Maybe she too has low self esteem and has lost the feeling that she can expect and deserve love. I think I have been giving her the benefit of the doubt hoping she would see that I do love her and she is worth it.
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reader, Guy619 +, writes (22 May 2009):
Guy619 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI really don't enjoy the 'emotional rollercoaster' britt429 - but I ecognise that I have been on it. It may be true that I am getting something out of it. I guess my self respect and self value have become so low that I am fulfilling my own expectations - that I deserve nothing better. I am inpsired by your strength at moving on and being single again. You sound happy. I want to feel happy again. Sometimes I get a feeling - it seems small and far away - but I know it's real, and it's of some happy feeling I used to have. A feeling of well-being. I want that to be the norm again.
48years - I really liked the fact that you are so straight and direct in your response. Being straight down the line and direct is so refreshing. It is interesting that you are an artist and musician too.
Thank you for the answers. Being surrounded by this I've lost any perspective and objectivity. Reading my own question back and your replies has really helped. I don't know that I'm strong enough to make a stand yet for what I believe but I feel I need to move in that direction. I've almost lost touch with friends and I think buiding some kind of support network would be good.
The first 4 responses have given me a lot to think about. I have been searching and searching for answers and trying to change myself to fit in with her. I don't feel so much to blame - I tended to blame myself as a way of making sense of it all. btflower thank you for response. I feel it's true also that she would walk away from me if I stop providing so much. The strange thing is she always says that money is not important to her.
"A healthy person is happy with who they are, and they don't NEED you take care of them, and you don't NEED them...but you WANT to take care of each other."
How Unsearchable - this really rang true for me. it's not the need it's the wanting and the actions which are important.
Thank you all for your help with this.
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reader, silvershocker123 +, writes (22 May 2009):
HEY
No relationship needs this much work not in this sense... not at all. See the problem is that she is comfortable with you not in love with you physically or emotionally but rather in a state of comfort. And what's worse is the fact that she is ok with that fact, judging from the fact that she is ok with the life style that you provide for her and yet not ok to have you as part of her life. From what you are saying you.... well i really hope that you forgive me for saying this at such a time but you need to hear it... You seem to have no self esteem or confidence at all. Because if you did you wouldn't put your self so low as this to have it work.
Its true that love takes a lot of work and often more work than what you've put in but it has to be mutual or atleast matched by your partner. You got to see the light at the end of the tunnel without which there's no point in putting yourself through all this suffering. You can take pain with pleasure only when you know that there is pleasure ahead. If she doesn't even let you kiss her and yet she is telling you to buy a house.... that's got to mean something.
Reply me if you want to talk a little more. [email address blocked]
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reader, 48years  +, writes (22 May 2009):
 I know you're hurting and your jealousy overwhelms you, but keep in mind that jealousy colors your feelings - suddenly she was the best ever, and the most beautiful, all because you see her in your jealous eye. She actually sounds awful for you. I think someone like you should take one day at a time and ditch her...You CAN live without her. How do I know this?
Because you have been living without her all along, in a way.
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 May 2009): If you enjoy the emotional rollercoaster you are on, by all means, stay with her!
To say she is too independent to be possessed is an Understatement.
This girl does not want a committed relationship with anyone. And to keep stringing you along as she is, is manipulating and cruel!
I sincerely hope you are not considering buying a house in the country! Please tell me you won't do that for her.
People will try to get away with as much as we allow them to! It's time for you to stand up to her and tell her you won't stand by and wait for her while she travels around the world sampling men like they are her's for the taking!
I'm so sorry if I sound angry. It frustrates me that the world is full of givers and takers!
We givers have to me more selective who we give to.
You sound like a nice guy with the patience of a saint. But you will never get anywhere in life if you don't commmand some self respect!
I wish you luck, and hope you have the strength to let this one go, and find someone who will appreciate you and treat you the way you deserve to be treated!
Britt
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reader, btflower +, writes (22 May 2009):
 You sound to be a very nice person. I really don't know why in the world you are hanging on to a life of torment on yourself like that. I understand you are in love with her but from the way it looks she is using you. a safe haven from the world when she is down and when her exs are done with her. You deserve soooooo much better than that. i really don't think i would be interested in being or having a physical relationship with her. there are to many diseases that are floating around. you should not have to live this way.i think you are really wasting your time with this woman she doesn't love you and really don't care about your or your feelings. as long as you provide for her she is going to continue to be like this. i guarantee if you stop furnishing a free life for her she will book out away from you fast. i hope you find that one true love that you can fall in love with and will actually love you back and not take advantage of you. if you ever need to talk i listen very well. good luck
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