A
female
age
30-35,
*irgin18
writes:Ok this might get a little long but bare with me please its important...So I have been in this great relationship with this great guy for 14months now. He is a 25 years old college graduate and I am a 20 years old Senior in college. We fell in love which each other early in the relationship and told each other so a little over 7months ago. We are completely serious about each other, so much that our lives are really intertwined with each other, we get along with each others family and friends pretty well and we are comfortable with most aspects in each others lives. We try not to argue a lot, and when we do it almost never gets to a breaking point because we try our best to be honest and communicative with each other. There is one issue that has been going on for a while now, he has this ex girlfriend who was (and I think she still is) very important in his life because she helped him survive some very hard things he went through when he was back in college. She surfaces in our conversations in rare occasions but it always bothers me because I do not really know her so I do not know what her intentions are with my bf. Usually I am not a jealous person and he tells me not to worry about her because they are just friends and I believe him, I trust him but that doesn't mean I have to trust her. What brought her up this time is that today out of nowhere he tells me he received a gift through mail (She lives in NY and we live in Boston). Its supposed to be a shirt she had gotten him 2 years ago when they were still in school together or something like that, and she never ended up giving it to him. What I find weird and I ask myself why she remembered about that shirt now. Don't think I'm crazy yet, before this shirt thing she has made attempts to contact him for random things when they haven't been in contact for a year or more. So why the sudden interest? Another thing I found weird is that we have never seen each other and she requested me on fb 7months ago, I usually don't request/accept people I don't know so I decided to send her a friendly message which said: "Hey what's up?! Do we know each other from somewhere? :)" and she never responded that message. he has some stupid excuse as to why he thinks she never responded that message but i still don't buy it, if her intentions were just to be friendly she would have responded.The reason why she worries me sometimes is because of their history. She doesn't seem like someone one would want to be close to her bf. They met at his college and they were friends for a while until she helped him with some situation, after that he sort of fell for her and chased after her for years but she told him she was not interested. So towards the end of their college careers he decided to give up because they were gonna graduate and moved to different states so he decided to start dating this other girl and not give the girl the attention he was giving her for years. When this happened the girl suddenly became interested in him and decided she wanted him for herself even though he was in another relationship with another girl. And he did leave the other girl for her. So idk but she seems like the type of girl who loves attention and i think she was just interested in the attention he was giving her and when she was not getting that attention anymore because he wanted to move on she decided to break him and his girlfriend because she was suddenly interested. He told me this story right around the time she requested me on fb and when I asked him if he still had any feelings for her, he didn't know what to say to me, he said something like 'idk'. Followed by you have nothing to worry about, he says he would never let that story repeat itself again. This was a month before we said we loved each other and idk how he feels about the matter now and I'm too scared to asked so I haven't. Nowadays he just says she is just a friend and that he loves me too much.He tries to proceed with caution whenever he tells me something about her because he knows it affects me more than it should and i know that. I usually grow really quiet when he mentions her and he says he sometimes doesn't wanna tell me because he doesn't wanna upset me but he does anyway because he doesn't wanna keep any secrets from me. He says he doesn't want me to ever go all psycho on him because of her and I never have, I usually just get quiet when he mentions her. But I have told him that I trust him, and I honestly do, its just that since I do not know her I feel like I have the right not to trust her, especially after what he told me about her.So what do you guys think? Should I keep my eye on her? Or are my worries stupid and I should forget about all that and keep having a healthy and happy relationship like I have had so far?(The shirt came with a letter which he read bits and pieces of it.. but come one? really?)
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a break, ex girlfriend, fell in love, jealous, move on Reply to this Question
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female
reader, virgin18 +, writes (17 August 2011):
virgin18 is verified as being by the original poster of the question I know he loves me but i do agree with you anonymous reader when you say he probably still has feelings for her, i've known that for as long as he told me about her. it scares me but i don;'t want to become all paranoid and crazy and end up running our relationship. he tells me i should not worry about that, he doesn't like the fact that it worries me he i know he loves me, he's shown this to me in many ways. I am worried already, but h keeps saying she is just a friend, but i completely agree with you when you say "If he only cared for her as a friend, he would have said that. He is keeping a lid on this because he still has feelings for his ex and only he knows how deep those feelings are." but it is hard for me to think about not being with him, i trust him when he says nothing will ever happen with her but i want i want is to be the only one in his heart :/
A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 August 2011): "when i asked him to specify in which way he cared for her as in romantically or in a plain old friendship he didn't wanna answer me, and then ended up saying that he just cares for her so i guess he wanted me to just take that"
I know you're in love and you want to believe that he loves you and you only, but just take a moment to look at his response objectively. He refuses to tell you if he cares for his ex as a friend or if he loves her. You cannot be that dense to not see the implications of his statement. If he only cared for her as a friend, he would have said that. He is keeping a lid on this because he still has feelings for his ex and only he knows how deep those feelings are. In either case, it's not something he will discuss with you, as he has clearly shown. He may love you, or like you a lot, but it's undeniable that he still has feelings for the ex. I would be worried if I were you. Do you want to be with someone who is still emotionally attached to his ex?
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A
female
reader, virgin18 +, writes (16 August 2011):
virgin18 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionok so an update on the situation. i found out that he called her like 3 times in 2 consecutive days. I feel awful about checking his phone (he checks my phone and goes through my stuff as if it was his own so i shouldn't feel so guilty that i did that right?) but while i did that i found texts that were done the same day he called her, apparently she felt bad for playing him when they were in school but i have the sinking feeling she has no good intentions. he read me the letter she sent with the t-shirt and she sounded like she was sorry that she didn't see what he was offering, she didn't say it in plain words but although the letter ended with her wishing him the best, it almost seems like she feels awful because now that she doesn't have him she sees how much he's worth and he is a great character, with a big heart and i would hate to ever loose him. i did ask that dreaded question again, and his response was annoyance because he tells me i don't trust him and blah blah, i told him to answer because it was important to me and he ended up saying he cares for her (when i asked him to specify in which way he cared for her as in romantically or in a plain old friendship he didn't wanna answer me, and then ended up saying that he just cares for her so i guess he wanted me to just take that) and that she is his friend and i understand he would want to keep her as a friend because she did help him in pretty tough times but if her intentions were just to be friends i don't think i would feel like this. i know for a fact he loves me very much, i can see it in his eyes and people that know him pretty well tell me so and i do trust him but idk there is something i don't like about her in particular... i know its crazy i shouldn't worry so much, he doesn't understand why i am concerned about this but i just love him so much and i don't like the girl. it pins me to say this because i am not the kind of person who likes to pass judgements to people i barely know but i have always felt wary when it comes to her....
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A
male
reader, Kyle007 +, writes (10 August 2011):
This guy does not need this woman in his life. Its not like they are co-workers or a divorced couple sharing custody of their kids or any other situation wherein they would have to keep in touch. This "friend relationship" is completely unnecessary. If the woman had enough integrity and would realize that her involvement in his life was causing any sort of relationship problems, she would back off. Ditto for him. This is not solely a matter of trust. This is a matter of respecting how you feel in the matter. And it seems like neither of these people have that much respect for how you feel. You may "owe" him some understanding in the matter to a small degree, but you owe her NOTHING. Enough is enough. Be honest with yourself. You are suffering.
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A
female
reader, PerhapsNot +, writes (9 August 2011):
 If she makes advances towards your boyfriend, it's up to him to put an end to it. You're not worried or mistrustful of her; you're worried that HE loves her a still; that HE will reciprocate or encourage her behavior; that he will eventually leave you for her, as he has done in the past. He clearly likes the attention she is giving him. Perhaps he still has some feelings for her, or he likes the ego boost. In either case, your boyfriend is the only one that knows the answer to that. If I were you, I would ask him why he keeps in touch with her. Clearly he's aware that his ex is upsetting you and making you feel insecure. If he truly cares about you, he would cease all contact with her and show you that your needs are important. He isn't doing that. Why?
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A
female
reader, cindy 15  +, writes (9 August 2011):
 id say your bf seems like a nice guy and a smart one all u need is to trust him even if she does like him so what YOUR his girlfriend your the one who HAS his heart and the other HAD his. u sound like a nice girl be more confident in your self if she trys anytrhing tell her to back off
be strong and confident!! good luck i hope all works out for you
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