A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Ive been with my boyfriend for 6 months, and now im 4 weeks pregnant. Im 19 years old and I don't feel I'm ready to be a mother. I want an abortion but I'm scared to kill my baby, most of all, I'm afraid he won't be there during and after the pregnancy the way he is suppose to. I know I'm going to have to depend on him a lot, but he has already told me that he is not ready for a baby and its my decision. Should i keep my baby and start a new path for my life or should i get an abortion and let go of everything and focus on my future ?
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female
reader, DBsbabygurl21 +, writes (4 November 2010):
Really its all up to you on if you want to keep your baby or not. But dont do an abortion. there are families out there like me and my husband who want to adopt. We have been trying to conceive for 8 yrs now and no success. We are raising an 11 month old right now ( a friends baby ) the mother & father are in jail. if you are interested in adopting let me know because we would love to be part of it. if you want to get further in the conversation let me know my email address is [email address blocked]
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 October 2010): I would never have am abortion. I dont judge ppl who do though. But first you have to consider all your options before you choose anything. your options are ; adoption, abortion, or have it & keep it. But since you dont know if you should keep it or have an abortion you should go with adoption
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female
reader, k_c100  +, writes (28 October 2010):
 This is a decision YOU have to live with for the rest of your life so you have to be 100% sure of your decision. All we can do on here is offer personal opinion, so always remember that. What is right for someone on here may not be right for you, so trust yourself and trust in your decision.
If it were me in your situation, and my partner had expressed he did not want the child - I would have an abortion. This is because:
1. It is his child too so he should have a say in what happens. And if he is not ready to be a father it is not fair to force a child upon him, just because you want the child. You are having doubts if you want this child, and combine that with the fact he doesnt want the child either - I dont believe this is the right environment to bring a child into. Imagine if that child ever found out that dad did not want him/her, that would be heartbreaking for the child.
2. You have not been together long enough to be sure that he will stick around, so the chances are you might end up a single mother.
3. You clearly have hopes and dreams for your future, and so does he - it is not fair on either of you to abandon everything you want in life just for the sake of another life. What about your life? You deserve to be happy, you deserve to enjoy your life and live your dreams, rather than give up everything for the sake of someone else. Your life exists - this baby does not have a life so why give up your existing life for something that cannot even function yet?
This sentence from your post is the one that stood out the most: "I want an abortion but I'm scared to kill my baby". You clearly WANT the abortion, you have thought about it and are using the word "want". If you were still on the fence, you would have said "might" or "thinking about" etc rather than "want". And the end of the sentence is the part where you guilt kicks in about "killing" your baby. But keep this in mind - you are not "killing" anything. You are putting an end to a life that COULD BE. You are 4 weeks pregnant, it is a bundle of cells at the moment that dont resemble anything. If you have the abortion before 8 weeks (advisable) then all you have to take is a couple of tablets, you wont even notice a thing. It basically just dissolves the bundle of cells, there is no structure to this "baby" yet.
After 8 weeks, then yes it does start to take the shape of a baby and starts growing the organs etc. However you have to think about life, and what life really is. In my opinion, life does not start until you are out of the womb and can breathe alone. This is why I am so against abortions after 20 weeks (in the UK we stil allow abortions up to 24 weeks) because babies can survive (with a lot of medical help) from about 21 weeks. They are very poorly babies but they still are alive without the placenta, therefore to me they are alive. But when they are inside you, at such a young stage between say 8 weeks and 20 weeks, they are entirely reliant upon mum to survive, therefore how can it be life if it cannot live without feeding, breathing, resting etc through another being? That would be like saying the bacteria inside of us should never be killed because that is alive, yet we happily take medicines that destroy the bacteria that lives off us!
All it is before 20 weeks is a potential for life, so it cannot be killed if it is never alive in the first place. This baby growing inside you does not have thoughts, feelings.....it does not really have anything until the very late stages of the pregnancy. So please dont let this idea of "killing" a baby influence your decision - there is nothing to be killed at the moment.
You need to weigh up your options and think about what is right for you, based on your morals and opinions.
In terms of keeping the baby:
1. Financially how would you manage? Can you provide for the child? You have to think if you could give this child a good life, and money has a big part to play in this.
2. Support - do you have a good family network around you to help you out? The chances are you would raise the child as a single mum so you are going to need all the help you can get
3. Education - have you finished school/college? Do you feel that you have a strong enough education now to have a good career and provide for the baby? Is you education strong enough to guide the child through its life, help with all homework questions, when it asks you all sorts of questions about the world and life, do you think you have the background to answer all these questions? A child needs parents that want to help it learn and hopefully excell in its own education, but for that parents need to be intelligent and worldy.
4. Environment - where would you raise the child? Is there a safe, happy home for the child to be raised in?
5. Your boyfriend - knowing he does not want this baby, how will that make you feel if you kept it? You would always know that he does not want this child, and that will be hard to deal with. You are both young, and have not been together long so something as massive as having a baby will be a huge test on your relationship and you have to be prepared that it will not work out. Men are not tied to children the way women are - he can just get up and walk away whenever he wants, whereas you will have to carry this child for 9 months and will have an unbreakable bond with the child. Do you feel ok with being a single mum? Would you feel ok to raise the child with it potentially never knowing its dad?
6. Most importantly - YOU. What would you be giving up to raise the child? Would you resent the child for taking away your life? Could you continue to pursue the plans you had for your future? Or would these be gone completely?
In terms of having an abortion:
1. Could you live with the decision? No-one ever feels great about having an abortion, and no-one forgets about it and is happy as larry straight after. All women who have abortions will occasionally think about what could have been with this child, that is perfectly normal. But just as some women are certain they made the right decision and knew they could not give the child the life it deserves, you also get some women who cannot live with the guilt and hate themselves forever because of it. So are you certain you could not give this child a good life? Or would you feel terrible about it for a very long time?
2. Your mental state - I would say the only people who have abortions who are able to manage the emotional side afterwards, are women who are mentally quite strong and who are quite decisive. So normally when you make a decision will you always stick to it and feel confident in your decision? Or are you the sort of person who makes decisions then regrets them, and changes their mind a lot? And are you fairly strong mentally? Are you able to deal with stress and problems fairly well, or are you the sort of person who melts down in stressful situations and relies on others to help you through all your problems?
This has to be a decision that comes from you, with a little input from your boyfriend. I dont agree with anyone who says "this is your choice and your choice only" because you have to consider the father of the child, it is as much his baby as it is yours. You will be changing his life against his will if you keep the baby, so that has to be taken into account. But trust your instincts, go with your gut feeling and do what you think is best.
Weigh up your own life, whether you could give this baby the best life possible, and your boyfriends life - then you should come to the right decision.
I hope this helps and good luck!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 October 2010): botched abortions, infertility and horrible infections? this reader doesnt know what shes talking about. shes talking as if ure going to abort a 6 month old fetus illegally or something...
personally, i think u should look at the whole pic. do u really want to bring up a child that u are not ready for?
a child which u arent even sure if ur bf is going to support u with?
do u understand what psychological consequences that that will have on a child?
a child is a huge responsibility, and if u arent economically, emotionally and psychologically ready for a child then u should not have it. i know many people who have grown up in such environments and they grow up developing a number of issues. i know a lot about it because i study clinical psych. so ive studies a lot of empirical data about it. i also come from a family who was not emotionally prepared to have children and it does have a huge impact on you psychologically and emotionally.
i think that if ure doubting to have this child thn u should abort.
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 October 2010): It is rare for one to just "forget" about an abortion. If you go with the abortion, you're not going to just "move on" with your life. The decision will stay with you for the rest of your life.
You use the phrase "kill my baby"...is that what you think abortion is? Killing? (That's what I think, but enough about my own views) If so, then are you really considering the possibility of killing an innocent life, as you seem to be implying? Say that you are holding your newborn baby in your arms...are you going to kill it then? What makes that baby any different than the one that is inside of you, apart from stages in development and growth? I refuse to believe that abortion is safe...women have died from botched abortions and infections and infertility can plague a woman for years afterwards. Places like Planned Parenthood have repeatedly been shown to cover up statutory rape (although they are obligated by law to report such cases)...do you want a place like that handling this?
I can't make the decision for you. I have never been in your situation. I would look into adoption...then you would be able to give your child the life that it deserves and you wouldn't be killing any baby.
Abortion is risky business, and dangerous. You must be absolutely, 100% sure that you want to go through with it before setting the appointment. I hope that you don't. But like I said...it's not my decision to make. Choose wisely.
My prayers are with you.
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 October 2010): It is rare for one to just "forget" about an abortion. If you go with the abortion, you're not going to just "move on" with your life. The decision will stay with you for the rest of your life.You use the phrase "kill my baby"...is that what you think abortion is? Killing? (That's what I think, but enough about my own views) If so, then are you really considering the possibility of killing an innocent life, as you seem to be implying? Say that you are holding your newborn baby in your arms...are you going to kill it then? What makes that baby any different than the one that is inside of you, apart from stages in development and growth? I refuse to believe that abortion is safe...women have died from botched abortions and infections and infertility can plague a woman for years afterwards. Places like Planned Parenthood have repeatedly been shown to cover up statutory rape (although they are obligated by law to report such cases)...do you want a place like that handling this?I can't make the decision for you. I have never been in your situation. I would look into adoption...then you would be able to give your child the life that it deserves and you wouldn't be killing any baby. Abortion is risky business, and dangerous. You must be absolutely, 100% sure that you want to go through with it before setting the appointment. I hope that you don't. But like I said...it's not my decision to make. Choose wisely.My prayers are with you.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 October 2010): I just turned 20 years old and I am 5 weeks pregnant. I myself am not fully ready to be a mother. I'm worried about money problems, my schooling, etc. But I could never even think of harming a child. Their is so many women who want children and can't have any I consider myself lucky. It will be hard until I get use to things but I'm ready to put my child above myself. Please have your baby and love it. I'm afraid you'll regret it if you don't. If your boyfriend isn't there to help you then he doesn't really love you. you can get government help and things like that. It is possible to be a single mother if you have to be. Hope this helps. God Bless. =)
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A
male
reader, Cerberus_Raphael  +, writes (28 October 2010):
 I am going to try and offer my perspective on things and I shall start by saying that, I doubt many women are actually fully ready to be a mother. A lot of women (at least the ones I know) were timid at first because they were afraid and who wouldn't be? To birth life, actual precious life and raise it to be a decent human being is a challenging job, there should be no doubt about that but, aside from the harships, motherhood has its undying and unmatched rewards. Me, being a man, I can never experience what it is to be a mother but my own mother, who raised four children on her own, is still smiling and strong.
If you feel you are not ready financially, there are always options, you will always have options. Finding help with family or trusted friends for support is always an option. That way you can continue with schooling and trust perhaps your parents to care for your child when you are away at school until you return. People change. What if you look into your child's eyes when it is born and feel as though you can be a mother and that you really do want to take care of that child? What if you hear its shrill cry and smile, how will you really feel when you are holding such a precious thing in your arms? Are you certain that you are not ready for that?
I am not goading you into adoption or abortion nor am I persuading you to keep your child. I simply wish for you to be sure about how you feel. I simply wish for you to be certain that you are not ready and that you have no other option before you have an abortion or give it up for adoption. If you are certain, if you are absolutely confident that you will never feel ready to be the mother of that child, then by all means, give it up for adoption.
If you choose to care for your child, I will admit that there is a possibility that at times you may break down and cry and think about what could have happened. There will be times where you may break down and regret having that child. I urge you to remember its smile and I urge you to realize that every breath it takes was enabled by your nurturing kindness and care.
If you choose to give your child up for adoption, there may also be that thought creeping through you "what if?". There may also be times where you may weep and wonder what would have happened if you kept it but, I urge you to remember that you were sure you were not ready and that you did what was right.
Just be certain.
I hope that helps.
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A
female
reader, kalykush +, writes (27 October 2010):
 as said before noone can answer this but you. youre the one that will have to live with any decision you make for the rest of your life.
i had an abortion a few years ago. i have finally come to terms with what i had done to my child, but ill never forget it. i think about what it would have been like every single day.
you need to go inside yourself and think really really think how each decision will effect your life, because they are ALL life changing!
Good luck to you.
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 October 2010): Noone wants to persuade you to kill your baby, and noone wants to persuade you to have it if you're not ready. It's really just up to you xxx
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female
reader, forgives_all +, writes (27 October 2010):
I too found myself pregnant and mostly alone when I was 19 years old. I had only been with the father for 2 months when I became pregnant. My son has been one of the greatests blessings in my life. It has been hard at times, no doubt, but a child gives you the kind of love you never knew existed. Truly unconditional. My son's bio-dad was killed in a DUI accident 2 months after his birth. So, I truly have done it on my own. I wouldn't change a thing though. If you aren't sure you can do it alone, adoption is a wonderful choice and one that doens't come with guilt later on. Your life and your childs life is in your hands. God Bless and Good Luck :)
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 October 2010): I had an abortion at 16 and I am not happy with it, but i am at peace with it. I wouldn't suggest it to anyone unless they got raped. It's an awful experience and it emotionally can mess with you. I would suggest give it up for adoption. that way your baby will be happy and you can still focus on the future. There are tons for great couples out there that need babies and will be great parents.
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male
reader, dirtball +, writes (27 October 2010):
 I'm not going to offer an opinion but I am going to say that if you choose to get an abortion, then the sooner the better.
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female
reader, fishdish +, writes (27 October 2010):
 There's the middle ground of putting your baby up for adoption, so that you don't financially, or educationally, change your life course too much (to some extent you could emotionally grow/change from this choice though), and then you don't have to "kill a baby" like you say. I have no answers but don't rule out this option.
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female
reader, tennisstar88 +, writes (27 October 2010):
 No one on here can answer that question for you. It's your decision, what do you feel is best? Can you afford to have this baby if he isn't going to take part on the child's life? You can get on state aid, and nab him for child support for being a dead beat dad. You'll have to hold off on schooling for the time being to raise your baby. Unless you get help from your parents, which if you decide to keep the baby I'd suggest moving back in with them if you don't already. Say when the baby gets a bit older, depending on your major you take online classes and get a degree.
If you decide you're not ready then, I would look into abortion or possibly giving the baby up for adoption possibly an open adoption. However, I hear that's one of the hardest things you'll ever have to do. Next time, I would make sure you were on a form of contraceptive and your partner is using condoms. Please prevent an unwanted pregnancy because you have no idea how many infertile women out there who would kill to be pregnant.
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