A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I found 2 texts on my wife's phone. 1 sent to her, and 1 was her reply. I checked her contact list and the text was from a guy named Jim. That's it, only Jim in her contact phonebook. His text was 'so, how do you like my hang-down?' My wife's reply was, 'Love it, but it's a little much'. Now, I'm not real street savvy, but my understanding is that a hang-down is slang for penis.Is this just inappropriate texting, or should I hire a PI to follow my wife, or should I confront her with the texts. I think she's fooling around, or at minimum acting very inappropriate with some guy named Jim. I've never heard her mention anyone by that name, so I don't know if it's a co-worker, or someone she met elsewhere.
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female
reader, northahero +, writes (15 May 2009):
If you hire a PI, that's really low and sneaky. I already consider it really low and sneaky that you looked at her phone (controlling, much?) without her permission.
If you want your answer, ask her. If that doesn't satisfy you, I still wouldn't hire a PI. If you can't trust her, then you have no business in being in a relationship with her.
...After all, trust is pretty much the foundation of any relationship, friends, dating, or otherwise.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 May 2009): you could ask her what a hang-down is? she would have to react...
do you know a James... ?
why not thought just talk to your wife and say look whats this all about...
star.x.
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A
female
reader, bellaaddison +, writes (15 May 2009):
I'd suggest talking with her.
Have you noticed anything different about her? Typically when a partner cheats or even entertains the idea, there are clues, if you're paying attention...
You know her best, so only you can analyze her properly.
Maybe she's just joking around with someone, innocently?? Again, you know her best.
Try to focus on what your instincts tell you and then, sit her down and talk.
Save the money and drama that will come from a PI. If you follow your heart and trust your intuition you won't need one.
Good Luck!
Bella xoxo
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A
male
reader, mytwocents +, writes (15 May 2009):
 I'm willing to bet my own "hang-down" that's something's up here. It’s not an open-and-shut case, but something definitely smells funny. She never mentioned this guy before? She "loves" his hang-down (whatever that is)? Even if he's not referring to his actual penis, this seems inappropriate at the very least.
I think the other posters are giving you some good advice. The straight-forward discussion often works. It could be something innocent and you may be overracting. Maybe it's a stupid inside joke at work. Maybe it's a hugely fat friend of hers, and he's talking about his gut hanging down over his belt. Who knows? I don't think you'd be bad-off taking the talking-it-out route. BUT, there IS one problem.
Bringing it up with her can make her go underground with it. Assuming the worst (that she IS cheating), she's being kind of sloppy about it right now. Pointing out a relatively minor piece of evidence might make her clean up her act and be better about concealing it. She could easily explain the two texts away, change the name in her cell phone, instruct "Jim" to be more discreet, or get a second phone that she keeps far away from you. Then, all of a sudden you're dealing with a more difficult problem.
If you have the means, hiring a PI may not be as bad of an idea as it initially sounds. You may want to take an intermediate step, like writing down the guys number and running a trace on it for like 29.99 USD online. You could have a friend (preferably female) call the guy from another phone and try to extract information from him by pretending to be someone else (a pollster, a service provider of somekind, etc). You can also (as bad as it sounds) try to keep an eye on your wife yourself. Does she have opportunity? Is she behaving, dressing differently?
Whatever it is, remember this: KEEP YOUR COOL. Hope for the best and prepare for the worst. Being cheated on can bring out the worst in us--don't do anything you would regret. Get your information and do what you need to do to take care of yourself.
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A
male
reader, LazyGuy  +, writes (15 May 2009):
 What else is going on that you immidiatly suspect the worsed? What I tend to notice is that questions here come only after a long line of smaller incidents until finally it all bursts out.
Is it just this one incident or is there more?
If there is more, the hiring a PI is a question of what your goal is. If he finds nothing, and she finds out, then you are in trouble. If he finds something, well then the marriage is over but you are not going to be cleaned out in court.
So, what is it? Talk to her if you want to make it work even if is something going on. Hire the PI if you want to end it.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 May 2009): Id sure as hell be pissed off if you snooped in my phone but it does seem as shes cheating. Just tell her what you think but uncle phil nailed it x
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 May 2009): if you do not trust her you will not get a straight answer from her. so yes, perhaps hire a PI. it's killing you already just wanting to know the truth. but be ready for the answer. or if you have Jim's number, just text him, pretending to be her or something similar. or set a "trap" for the wifey.either way you need to know about the "hang-down" man's involvment with your wife.good luck
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (15 May 2009):
 Other then the text and reply you saw have there been other red flags? What made you check her cell phone?
If there are no other red flags, I would ask her. Trust and communication are the corner stones in a marriage ( or relationship) if there is no trust, the respect and love are the next to go.
There are many items you can spend money on trying to "catch" your partner in cheating. They can be really useful, but they can also muddy the waters like crazy.
Does your GUT tell you she is sleeping with someone? You know her pretty well and most likely you will be able to read her when you ask. One thing though, don't do it in front of anyone else. Don't yell, but sit her down and tell her you looked in her phone and what you found.
She will be mad at you looking ( guilty or innocent) but honesty is the best way to go.
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A
female
reader, bobbles32  +, writes (15 May 2009):
 You're right, hang down is slang for the male sexual organ, sounds like something is going on. Just confront her about it.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 May 2009): I imagine that if you asked her about it and it was innocent she'd be happy to tell all about you what's going on, and if not she'd probably get flustered and try to talk her way out of it. If she were to lie to you I'm sure you'd know one way or the other as you know her better than any of us on this site.
Hiring a PI is all well and good, but who would you rather hear bad news from - your wife or someone you've paid to find out?
If I were you I'd ask her about it rather than 'confront' her. Confrontation isn't nice unless it's definitely called for.
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A
female
reader, kellyxxx  +, writes (15 May 2009):
 Private detectives could be really expensive, if you don't trust her then could you follow her yourself? Or steal the sim card out of her phone? Then pretend to be her and msg jim? There are lots of ways you could do this but only do them if you really have no trust at all in your wife and if you are prepared to possibly have to end you marriage! X
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