A
female
age
36-40,
*uinedandlost
writes:ok...i was sexually abused when i was 6 till i was 17... the few people ive told said i need to tell my mom... and ive been reading other peoples advice on here...most said to tell the mom too....but i cant. i cant do that to her... its been 6 years since its stoped... ive been ignoring this my whole life... i still deny it sometimes... i tried to deal with it but its too painful to relive...i havent had a healthy relationship with a guy and i think my dad might be part of the reason.... ive cut myself trying to cope and nothing really helps... ive gotten good at zoning out and forgetting.... i dont remember anything... well till i have nightmares or flashbacks...then i panic..i dont enjoy sex... ive never had an orgasm (with anyone) but i am starting to think im a nympho...ive been with 26 guys...but a lot of them were when i was young...i did anything to be outta the house on the weekends... seems like pot is the only thing that helps :)-- so my QUESTIONS are: do i have to tell my mom? what else can i do instead? i just dont see it fair that she should suffer for my mistake...if i dont tell her...will i ever be able to have a relationship with a guy? (healthy..where im not being hit and yelled at?) and also...is it that bad that i live with them? i got married but my husband hit me so i left him and moved back home.... nothing happens anymore... but i do still panic when he askes for a hug because im not sure of his intentions...or when my mom leaves the room... he never raped me...because it wasnt sex...he just touched me...hed finger me and rub himself on me... the first time i told him no i was 14... he kissed me... id never kissed a guy before... so i guess my dad was my first... i told him to stop...he said he was sorry and that he just wanted to show me... after that was when it got really bad...he asked me to sleep with him...he tried bribing me... finally i told him if he ever touched or looked at me again i would tell my mom...it took me 11 years but i told him....then about 6 months ago...he started yelling at me like he used to...(he used to tell me i was his property till i turned 18) i was terrified but i yelled back anyway... he was shocked that i stood up for myself... and we talked about what happened... he said he didnt know what he was doing..that he wasnt thinking...he didnt think it would hurt me like it has... but it went on for years so i dont understand...well please tell me what you think...thank you :)jenny
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female
reader, wv_country_girl04  +, writes (10 April 2009):
Ya know, I am now in the same situation you are about being abused by my dad. I lost my virginity to my dad at the age of 12. It started when I was 6yrs old and ended when I left home 2 years ago. When I was old enough to know what he was doing was wrong, I tried to fight him, and he forced me anyways. I debated to tell my mom and brother too. But think of it this way, your dad is have'n an affair on your mom with you. and I can tell you that i can almost promise you that your not the only one. Your Mom is living a lie in that relationship. I've tried therapy and talk'n with a psychologist. That don't help me. I have to try to deal with it in my own way. Everyone tells me he needs to be in jail. But for some odd reason, I still love him because he is my dad. I myself have low self esteem because i still feel that it was my fault he did it. I also feel guilty for ruining my family. but like i said in a way it was good to get it out, to get my mom out of a lie. and trust me, you will find a healthy relationship. I just recently got married, but because of my dad, I am only 22 and my husband is 40. Alot of people and counclers have told me that if your abused as a child, your soul mate will 90% resemble your abuser. and in my case it has. I am on Sleeping pills, nerve pills, and i take panic attacks and have flash backs to. I tried the whole smokin pot to get away, but hun, that only takes the pain away for a while. you will be scared for life. and one day when you decide to have kids, it will be Very difficult for you to even trust your childs father alone with it because of what happened to you.
This post was just to let you know your not the only one going thru this. and I need help to, I haven't spoke with my dad in 3 years. and probably never will. my brother confronted him on the situation and he admited it, but said it was all consentual. it can't be consentual at 6 yrs old. and my dad was not sorry for doing it, he was sorry I told.
Juss give that a thought about what i said about you mom living a lie. ;-) cause mine sure was.
A
female
reader, dearkelja +, writes (6 January 2008):
 Hey, Rape is rape on base or off base. You need to press charges here and start standing up for yourself.
I know abuse does harm to your self-esteem but this continual abuse you seem to be attracting is going to take you down hard one day. You need to seek some help.
It is not my intention to place blame with you but if I had 20 shots I don't think I'd be walking. Having that much alcohol is putting yourself at risk. Also, choosing to sleep in the barracks where there are so many men when you had been kicked out wasn't exactally taking care of you. I realize alcohol most likely impaired your thinking here.
Please, it's really time to seek the help you desperately need.
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reader, ruinedandlost +, writes (6 January 2008):
ruinedandlost is verified as being by the original poster of the question well... i decided.it doesnt really matter...i went to visit a friend this weekend... i had alot of fun with him... then im not sure what happened...they kicked me out of the barracks... he wasnt allowed to leave so his roomate took me to a club... i shouldnt have but i trusted his roomate sence my friend trusted him...i had about 20 shots... i went back to my friend after the guy who kicked me out was off work... but my friend was asleep. his roomate let me sleep in his bed because he was going back out... while i was sleeping he came back... i woke up...but it was too late...i tried to yell for my friend to help me but he put his hand over my mouth... i just layed there after he left... trying to figure out what happened.... i guess i forgot how dangerous army guys can be.
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reader, x-Happy-Feet-x  +, writes (1 January 2008):
 i would give it to him but the thing is he might get angry with you and hate you and even abuse you in anyway sexually verbally and by getting beaten up soo i would think about this but instead i think i would give it to my mum hope this helps
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reader, Jenny Wren +, writes (31 December 2007):
 Dear Jenny,
It is interesting that your recurrent dream/nightmare has changed a bit. Most people have the ability to influence the way their dreams go - altering the story - and this can be a way of conquering fears or working through problems.
You said there was now a gate and a little boy in the dream; next time you have it, see if you can look or go beyond the gate, or talk to the boy - perhaps he is there to help you, or you to help him (?)
This may sound a bit silly, but it can be effective. When my son had nightmares about ghosts, for example, we discussed how to fight off the ghosts in the dream, and set a friendly dragon on them, and he told me later that he had fought them and scared them off by being more scary than them...
I've also punched someone in the face in a dream as revenge for them hurting a friend - not as satisfying as the real thing, but less risky!
If you are living in army quarters in Germany you might have access to an army Community Mental Health Team. The nurses in these teams tend mainly to deal with post-traumatic stress syndrome, alcohol problems, and relationship difficulties, which, as I expect you know, feature quite often in army life, but they are there for all kinds of mental distress, and would know where to direct you for help if they can't help you.
I don't know if a doctor or nurse would have to tell anyone outside the team (e.g. the police) about your past abuse, because you are not currently in danger from your Dad (I hope). Unless there was a possibility that he might be abusing someone else (e.g. grandchildren), I can see no reason why the police would need to be told without your wanting them to be.
(I assume that you would try to ensure that he has no unsupervised contact with children).
I hope that you manage to get some help.
Good Luck,
Jenny Wren
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reader, ruinedandlost +, writes (29 December 2007):
ruinedandlost is verified as being by the original poster of the questionim thinking about giving it to him.... any reason why i shouldnt?
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reader, ruinedandlost +, writes (28 December 2007):
ruinedandlost is verified as being by the original poster of the questionwell... i dont know why... but i felt the need to write a poem.... even though i've NEVER written one :)well here it is.... tell me what you think...but dont be too mean :) “Molded by her father’s hands”By: Jenny For: Daddy… …you are the reason I am lost… you are the one who destroyed my childhood… because of you I cannot love…laugh…or live…you are my worst nightmare…..........If only you’d have thought it through…Maybe then I could trust in you.The haunting pain lingers over me…like the shadows in my dreams.The constant guilt that follows me…Is why the dark makes me scream.These demons grow bigger inside…and from them I cannot hide.You told me to take this to my grave…but if I do I will not be saved...........Now I am staring at the scars you left …knowing you alone hold the key…that unlocks the gate, which is my death…to finally set me free…You used your own flesh and blood…for your sick and twisted needs.How could you ruin your only daughter With your selfish perverted deeds?.........These are the burdens that I’ve had to carry…These are the pieces of my shattered soul.You have shown me how cruel life can be…and how silence is the goal.You look me in the eyes…And it’s there I see the lost little boy…holding up the key.You’ve taught me well the things you know…To hide it …and never let it show............But I know now what I need to do.I need to find myself …and find my place…And I need to finally forgive you.But please think about and never forget The things you have done and regret…You hurt me more than cutting has…and made me feel forever damned.............I cannot help it…I am still grateful…for you have made me who I am.Your sins have cost me endless grief…But there is no point in blame.So now I stand before you…with nothing but an outstretched hand.I hope that you can take it…And finally be my dad.
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 December 2007): Hi Jenny
Should you tell your mom about what happened - contrary to the other advice I would say no - it is your choice whether or not you tell your mum and you should only ever tell her if you feel 100% ready. Some people in your situation never tell their parents about what happened, this is especially true if the abuser is in the family and you shouldn't feel that you should need to tell your mum, just because everyone else seems to be telling you it's the right thing to do. They do not know your situation and they certainly aren't qualified to be telling you what you should and shouldn't do. Any good counsellor would take this view, they would never recommend that you tell your mother about what happened unless you felt ready. Sharing such an intimate and personal experience is something that might only feel right later on when you yourself have dealt with what happened to you. It is a big thing and you need to be ready for what could happen from sharing such a big thing to the family. You might later on feel it is all in the past and better left there, that is fine - It is always your choice to make, no one elses.
Will you ever have a healthy relationship with a man. Yes - of course! Many young people make huge mistakes when they are growing up, and whilst your fathers actions sexualised you at an early age and left you will a lot of pain and confusing feelings this in no way means that you are damaged or in some way less than any other person.
Just as many people who were abused as children go on to find loving partners and raise beautiful families full of love - in fact many are so determined to give their children a better life that they become brilliant parents and have very loving relationships. We as human beings learn by our mistakes, and whilst you may think it is a bad thing that you have had a number of failed relationships and never met the right guy, at least through what has happened you know what you don't want in a man. This is all experience that will guide you to a better and lasting relationship.
The reason you are still meeting unsuitable men and are suffering post traumatic stress symptoms? Do you think you have really accepted the fact that you were an innocent girl who had no fault in what happened and that it was your father who done wrong? Nothing you did in any way caused your father to choose to abuse you. Can a 6 year old in any way be blamed for being abused? A 6 year old is not capable of understanding sexuality, they are completely innocent just as you are. The abuse was not your mistake, you were innocent, and always will be.
Lots of girls, whether they were badly treated by a man or not confuse sex and love when they are young. Perhaps your father started this but with your awareness now you are responsible for your actions and it would be wrong to go on from now and put down any further mistakes that you make as being because of your childhood. A great thing I was told was that it is in our moments of decision that are destiny is formed. All it takes is for you to decide that this chapter in your life of feeling used and only good for sex is now over and that you will never be in that situation again. When the pain of feeling used is strong enough you will always avoid it and become a new person.
About your living arrangements, personally, I am not sure if you can properly deal with what happened or move on with your life whilst you are still living under the same roof as your dad. Whilst you are there, you will always be the child and you won't be able to grow to be an adult. I would say if you have the opportunity to move out and have some space then that might be a good idea.
Counselling, when you feel you are ready, will probably be greatly beneficial, but it is important to find a therapist that is experienced in abuse. I personally would say avoid long-term (6 months or more) therapy, this psycho-dynamic approach is rooted in Freudian psychotherapy and is not so good for childhood sexual problems. There are a lot of different counselling styles so it is worth doing a bit of research before looking for a therapist.
I have seen many girls with similar pasts to yours grow to have successful lives and put there past well away. There comes a point in anyone's life when they have been hurt enough by someone or something and they literally choose that they want more; a better, happier life. When they make that choice they are steered in a different direction and they never look back. I am sure it will work just the same way for you. You sound like a really insightful girl to me who is at that turning point in their life, I am sure once you make that turn, you won't ever find yourself interested in the wrong kind of guys any more. It'll naturally just change for you :) Take care and I hope you a good Christmas and birthday :)
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reader, rockelle +, writes (27 December 2007):
 Hello Again,
I think you should go off post to find a therapist and/or a support group. It will be very good for you and I am confident that things will get better in every aspect of your life once you let out all those feelings you have bottled up inside you. I am sure that writing here is in a way therapeutic but I think you need to go that extra step and deal with a professional who can help you in so many other ways also. Many people including you, do not realize the devastating effect sexual abuse has on the rest of your life and as the years go on it does not get better it only get worst until you deal with it.As hard as it may be for you to take in but your are a victim, and the worst part is that you have to see the person that has created this mess for you on a daily basis. Im sure that doesn't help, if you are financially able you should consider moving out of your parents home. Discuss with your therapist whether or not it will be helpful for you to disclose this info. to your mother. If only one sentence that I have written so far is helpful to you then I am glad. I hope that the New Year brings good things for you. New place , a support group , and some therapy. Beleive me it will help....
Good Luck.
Post an update when or if you find some help.
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reader, x-Happy-Feet-x +, writes (27 December 2007):
yes i do feel really sorry its awfull nowing that kind of stuff happens still but i fink u need to tell your mum because at the end of the day she can help you no doubt it will be hard for you i fully understand and it will be awkward with her reaction but i think you shud just go ahead and try to tell her :) good luck xx hope this helped
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reader, ruinedandlost +, writes (26 December 2007):
ruinedandlost is verified as being by the original poster of the questionhi rockell,
the support group we have here is run by the spouses of the soldiers...the spouses i work with... the group is more about dealing with the army life and coping with deployed soldiers than anything else... but i wish we did have one because i know it would help me... i went to asap (alcohol/substance abuse program)for my husband... he told me he was scared to go...so i asked if i could go with him... i listend to the peoples stories and how that one thing ruined their lives... i cryed with them... even though i never said a word...because my husband spoke for me... it helped me a little... so on the ride home from his second to last meeting i asked him if we could go to one of those for me... he told me i was fine and that he wouldnt go through that again...
i do have the option of going off post... but then it would be german doctors... i speak german... but i dont know if im good enough to express my feelings in german... its hard enough in english... but it would be safer as far as rumors... maybe i can find me one that speaks good enough english... :)
thank you :)
jenny
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reader, ruinedandlost +, writes (26 December 2007):
ruinedandlost is verified as being by the original poster of the questioni was just outside smoking... my dad came out to grill... i sat and talked with him for a minute... i started to wonder about why i always choose the same type of guy... and i realised im still looking for a father figure... but it never works because i let them sleep with me... i do ave a guy like that.i tell him everything... he worked with my husband and he has a serious girlfriend... i talk to him about all my problems...sex and everything... i had this dream about him... the dream showed me that i saw him as someone who protects me like a brother or father... well he and his girlfriend have an open relationship... he asked me if i would have a threesome with them... it totaly ruined it... even if i never do anything with him...i know that he looks at me like that...
its like the only relationship i can have is a sexual one... so cant find anyone i can trust and who will help me that will never never sleep with me...
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reader, rockelle +, writes (26 December 2007):
Dear Jenny,
After reading your post I will make an attempt to give you some good advice. The first thing I think you need to do is get some counseling. Right now relationships with men is not what is important, but your peace of mind is. The type of help you need is not here on this site. This was not your fault, and what happened to you was wrong and you are not responsible. The one man in your life who is supposed to protect you from harm has ruined you emotionally and mentally. If you choose not to tell your mom or police that is fine, because at the end of the day you have to live with the decision you make if seeing him go to prison is not going to make you feel any better then its OK. But I do want to bring to your attention that behaviour like this just doesn't stop, whether he has abused other children you can not be sure of. As far as your mother if you do not want to tell her then dont, but I think that it would take loads off of you if you did. You are carrying the weight of his sick and twisted mistake. You should also look for a support group near you and go to a meeting and talk with other people who have been abused. I think that will be very helpful.
You are the victim, and everyday that you go forward without getting help you are becoming a victim all over again. Someone very, very close to me was sexually abused and therapy and a support group turned her into a different person. I think that this is too much for you to handle alone and it is ok to get help, and slowly but surely things will start to get better for you.
Good Luck, I hope that every thing works out for you.
Many Hugs,
XXXXXXX
rockell
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reader, ruinedandlost +, writes (26 December 2007):
ruinedandlost is verified as being by the original poster of the questionto the anonymous reader,
i guess its a fact that people who were abused as kids are more likely to abuse kids themselves... i really dont understand how someone could do this knowing what it did to them... but hey... look at my dad...
if i were to tell a doctor what had happened to me he would be forced to go to the police...because its all confidential unless i were to threaten someones life or put someone in danger... what if he doesnt believe me... i feel that im great for what i do... who knows abused children better than an abused little girl... whos the first to know that look of pain... and the best way to help them deal... i made the mistakes... its too late for me... i guess the real reason i do what i do isnt because i want to stop him.... im there for after... for when theyre confused and need someone to help them understand what happened...
i dont believe in god... but ive always wanted to... but i cant get over the fact that if there is a god then everything happens for a reason.... if thats true...hes crewl and... sadistic... i cant trust someone who did that to me...
and i did ask the doctor for something else...prozac was the first thing i tried... he told me no. when i showed him what i had done he just gave me this look and said ooook.... just because i act like a child sometimes... maybe i am still a 6 year old girl who cant understand why her daddy...her soldier...her hero could do this to her??
my doctor was probably like 5 years older than me... i was 18 or 19.... he told me to go get help...but didnt help me find it... at all... it just makes me sad how theres people who dont care to understand...and then to be like that and work there... like my husband... he just called me pshyco...when i tried to explain why i did the things i do hed just tell me to shut up... the look the doctor gave me was the same look my husband gave me... it really hurts me when someone looks at me like that... because they dont understand me.... my mom is the only person who ever understood me...
i just realised something.... i have the greatest power over my dad... i could make im do anything...not that i would....but what i realised was that he knows it... he knows i have the power to crush his life... but then he also knows id never do it... i cant be the one to anounce it... but i also kinda need 'mommy to kiss it and make it better'...:)
about my mom knowing...i thought about that...at first i was really hurt and mean to her...i felt betrayed...how could she not stop it... she didnt leave him... she didnt help me... but then i realised she incouraged it... but didnt know it... i know my mom... shed never do that... she does know something is wrong...but she doesnt know what... she comes to me and crys and tells me she sees me hurting...but doesnt know what to do to help because i wont tell her...then she tells me i can tell her anything... i want to soo bad... but i couldnt imagine her reaction to that... im just not sure about which reaction scares me more... i dont see a good one at all...
leonard j, Douglas,
ive gotten passed the point of blaming myself... i stoped that when i stoped cutting myself... and i dont blame him as much anymore... i want to try and understand why he did it... then maybe i can acept it...and get over it??
what you said..."Until you can forgive yourself, and your Father,every man in your life will be nothing more than another rapist and that is why none of your relationships have worked-out.".......it scared me... because its true... ive actually been raped 4 times... 3 of them were 'boyfriends' (flings)...and one of those was my first... but it surprises me that those dont bother me... the ones that bother me are the ones that hit me... but then again... i like it... im submissive... i like the master slave thing and some pain (no blood :) )...i gotta know its a game though... and for them it wasnt.... or was it??
thanks again,
jenny :)
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 December 2007): Hello again Jenny Merry XmasRead your updates I agree poster should not put the onus on you to tell in case your father does /did this to somebody else this is YOU we are dealing with.Reading your first post I should have mentioned the sign you showed not having many friends sleeping with guy friends this is a classic sign of something being wrong, also your marrage not working out but I agree you should have left hubby if he was violent.No i am not shocked horrified you are a teacher and I don't think you will be fired WHY?Most important go back to the doctor now I am divertin away from your issue but lets say you had skin problems doc gives you cream it's not really helping you go back maybe try another it don't work either you then ask can I be referred to a specialist in this. Now you have tried prozac it won't work as what you are suffering no pill can cure you need to speak with a specialist on this matter, your doc is just the first port of call and you don't need to tell him anything.I assure you that no one can divulge you personal medical history they would be fired and alot more so please do not add this to your worrys.You have decieded not to tell your mom, this is your right, you may change your mind again your right. I noticed in one of your other post you said you mum/dad did not sleep together Jenny maybe you mum thinks something but does not have the courage to bring this up?I also agree with you bout other poster this had happened to maybe private e-mail you and maybe not have aunt/uncles state the obvious he's this that this does not help You.I am no expert i am only trying to help you as much as I can plus I am not judging but I will say again you need expert help and although you have come so far I think with a little more help from the experts you can in time come through these issues and find yourself in a better placeTake Care and best of luck x
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reader, ruinedandlost +, writes (25 December 2007):
ruinedandlost is verified as being by the original poster of the questionleanna,i just want to say that im not looking for sympathy... i dont want anyone to feel sorry for me.... all i want is to see what people whould do or have done so that i can make the best decision for me. what you said about us keeping a secret from her is true...it kills me...but im not on his side... i hate what he has done but i cant hate him...hes still my father....my parents are all i have....today my mom had really bad chest pains....she doesnt think it was her heart though.... you call him a child molester... i dont like that... yes he molested me...but hes as messed up as i am...worse... i know his mother wasnt all that appropriate with him.... and he spent 22 years in the army... i know for a fact i was the only one... i dont have any sisters and hed never cheat on my mom...(he thinks in the family is ok)...im not putting him in jail...what he did was horrible...but it wont change anything... i just dont see any good coming from telling her...what she dont know wont hurt her...and whats jail gonna do to him? if i turn him in ...all i see is more pain.... i would just like to find a way to deal with my issues...and to use what ive learned to save someone else...thank you for your advice,jenny
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 December 2007): You don't really have any intention of telling your mom do you?
I think that's pretty evident after the way everyone said you need to and you just dismissed their advice. There's only so much people here can say before you have to take responsibility for your own actions. There's only so much sympathy that can be given before it becomes frustrating that the person won't try to help themselves. It's almost like you are on his side. You and him are keeping this little secret from your mother and you are both taking her for a fool.
What shocked me the most was when you mentioned your were a teacher. You work with children, it's your job to protect them and yet you have the power to get a child molester off the streets and into jail where he belongs and you're not using it. I wonder how many other children he has abused - I seriously doubt you were the only one.
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reader, leonard j, Douglas  +, writes (25 December 2007):
I wish that I had the wisdom of solomon,but even he played the fool with women,but then they weren't children who he abused,such as you. And Yes, Hellen us boys also get raped too. And I also know what being raped can do to either gender's lives. I also know that in order to forgive yourself, Yes,You'll blame yourself for what happened to you,even when it wasn't your fault.I did. And like you,being raped has messed up most of my married life. I don't think that there will ever be such a thing as sexual normality for anyone who has ever been raped,but then the first step is to learn how to forgive yourself,to forgive your self-blame, Then you'll have to learn how to forgive your father,the rapist. Until you can forgive yourself, and your Father,every man in your life will be nothing more than another rapist and that is why none of your relationships have worked-out.
Have a nice Christmas.
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reader, ruinedandlost +, writes (25 December 2007):
ruinedandlost is verified as being by the original poster of the questionjenny wren,my parents are still together... going on 25 years... i have no brothers or sisters... and my mom is an only child too... my dad is the youngest of 6 or 7... so i know i have a crap load of relatives...but ive never met them...besides my grandma but when i was little...i do have my grandparents from my moms side...but their mean bitter old people... everytime i see them they tell me im fat (even if ive lost weight) theyll keep insulting me while my grandma stuffs me with chocolate... then i get my 50euro (like $90...i think)and go home ...maybe thats why i cant tell my mom.... if she doesnt understand and hates me...ill have noone...i cant lose her... ive never had many friends either.... growing up in the army ment either i leave or they leave me... my longest friendship was 3 years...after a while it doesnt matter anymore...i dont see the point in making friends... i mean i have friends...more than ever...but none really close... besides...i dont know how to be a friend...i dont really get along with girls....and ive slept with every guy 'friend' ive had.... and i dont have serious boyfriends... ive had 3...each more or less a year... they all hit me... the rest were one night stands or flings... (not because i wanted it though!) ive been the one on the side too many times... im tired of not being aloud to have an opinion...its like sex is all im good for... i just want one guy to even pretend like he cares about me...before he gets in my pants...ive never been on a date...and ive never gotten flowers...when i say its my fault people try to tell me its not.... but it is. im too difficult...its like if i was a dog...i would be one from the animal shelter...people take me home...but when they realise how much work it is so they take me back and get a puppy...one that isnt ruined...thank you for your advice :) it really helps to have people who understand...(or at least make an effort to!) :)merry christmasjenny
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reader, ruinedandlost +, writes (25 December 2007):
ruinedandlost is verified as being by the original poster of the question"You are a strong brave woman to come through what you have and you will come out the other side even stronge".... ive had this dream since i was maybe 10...im running down this hallway...i turn back and see this shadow chasing me...when i turn back around i run into a chainlink fence...and then im up, looking at me... i see me turn around... the shadow stops in front of me... then im me again...he has no face... he pulls out a knife and kills me... then i up again and i see me laying there bleeding........ some details have changed over the years... now in the dream...theres a gate in the fence... then there was a little boy with me... he had a key ring...but the keys didnt fit... once i had black birds flying over me... and sometimes he had a face... but of the guy i was with at the time..."you will come out the other side even stronger" ....through the gate...right?thank you :)TRUTHFULLYOURS,you said..."you will be saving the rest of your life and it is a GREAT possibility someone elses."but is it fair to doom my mother to save my own life. i cant be that selfish...she has so much she worries about...she cant take this too...cant there be a way without involving her? i tried talking to him... but it didnt help enough...i know this will freak some people out...but i am a pre-kindergarten teacher... and what happened to me is the reason why... i figured that i had failed at helping myself... so now i want to help others... i know the signs of abuse...but people dont like that....thats why i cant see anyone... when i tell them theyll know i work with kids...ill be fired. i need this job more than anything... i live for my kids running to me saying hi ms jenny!! :)thank you for your help :)jennyMERRY CHRISTMAS and FROHE WEINACHTEN to all :)
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reader, ruinedandlost +, writes (25 December 2007):
ruinedandlost is verified as being by the original poster of the question dearkelja,thank you so much for responding :)well... mistake might have been the wrong word...i ment like my problem....she had nothing to do with it...and if i tell her id be the one ruining her life...it would probably kill her! i couldnt live with making her unhappy... i know hes the one who did it...but id be the one slapping her in the face with it...dont worry...i have no kids... i dont plan on it till im like 30....and then they can only see him when im there with them! i dont even think if i had kids that i could leave them with their father (or any guy!) alone.... i cant trust a guy enough to do that....i dunno if i can go see someone...i wouldnt be able to trust them enough to tell them anything... and getting help here is tricky...i live on a small army post... news gets around...it would be enough if someone knew i was going there at all (i work with 30 women...they like gossip...i think i know atleast 3 horrible things about everyone of them!!) and besides....the doctors dont care anyway...i went to the army doctor because i was depressed... i told him i was really sad and i have flashbacks...and that whenever i have those flashbacks id cut myself... i showed him my scars... he just gave me more prozac (even though i told him prozac made it worse)...you said i cant get through this on my own....but i have to do it alone? how can anyone really help me? in the end im the only one who can do anything about it...but what? get over it?? i wish it were that easy!! lolwell thank you soo so much for your help! you dont know how much it means to me! :)jenny
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reader, Jenny Wren +, writes (25 December 2007):
What a brave and sensible person you are - even after your Dad behaved so badly towards you.It sounds to me as if you are trying to work through this by yourself, and starting to make progress. Most people who have been abused tend to find that eventually telling others, and talking about the abuse helps, however, and you should find that there is a "survivors'" support group or counselling service near you, for when you need it.You don't say if your Mum and Dad are still together, or if you have any sisters or brothers; it often helps to tell siblings. Unfortunately you will have to decide for yourself whether you tell your Mum, and if you can't discuss this with others (e.g. through a "survivors'" group or helpline), it might help to read about others' experiences (e.g.in "The Courage To Heal" by E. Bass and L. Davis).Mothers' reactions can vary enormously; only you know your own Mum and whether she would want to know.As for coping - cutting is a common method, but not a very helpful one in the long term as it damages your self-esteem as well as your skin. Like most people who have been abused, you have become skilled at "zoning out" ("disassociating"),which is an effective coping mechanism, but this can interfere with other activities (e.g.sex), so that you cannot function as well as you might.I am glad to hear that you were able to yell at your Dad, as this is a very healthy and normal thing to do, and may well have made him think about his abuse of you. It is probably not going to lead to a complete change in him, however, as he is used to justifying or excusing his actions to himself (he "didn't know what he was doing" etc.), as are all abusers (otherwise how could they carry on doing it?).Just remember one very important point: IT WAS NOT YOUR FAULT IN ANY WAY.I think that your difficulties with relationships and sex will probably sort themselves out when you have worked through the abuse more. If you have a serious boyfriend, you could tell him that you can have flashbacks or "zone out", and what he should do to bring you back to the present if this happens (e.g. saying "Jenny, it's me, you're 23 years old, we're in your flat.. (or whatever)).There is more about this in the "Courage To Heal" book, but do read anything you think might be useful; this is not the only book about surviving abuse).Carry on the good work - you are a hero!
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reader, dearkelja +, writes (25 December 2007):
Jenny,
This is way over what I can help you with. This is a very serious problem that will affect your relationships until you get some help.
You said one thing that I need you to understand. You said why should you tell your mom since it was your mistake. It was not your mistake. All of this was your father's doing. He was the parent. He abused his power and authority. He betrayed you. He needs some help too. Don't let him around your kids.
Regarding telling your mom. I think you should. She has a right to know what your father has done to you. I think you could use her help through your healing process too. I don't know what will happen to your relationship with your mom or their relationship or your relationship with your dad. But before you tell your mom, I would advise you to get some professional help to deal with all of this. They will walk you through how/who to tell and then they have a process to get you well and able to contribute to a healthy relationship.
It's tough to hear but sweetie, you can not get through this alone. Most of us anties and uncles are not in a positon to help you much. Sorry for your pain.
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 December 2007): Dear JennyI am soo glad you ahve posted this as I read in a previous post of your what had happened.My advice to you dear is seek professinoal counselling for this, as maybe some people on this site can empathise with you on this matter but each person deals with these issues in their own way.I am sure after you recieve the help you will decide wither to tell you mom, and the best way to do it.You are a strong brave woman to come through what you have and you will come out the other side even strongerMerry Xmas
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reader, TRUTHFULLYOURS +, writes (24 December 2007):
Oh jenny you are so not alone, there have been many lives destroyed by the hands of their own fathers.I say that absolutely you should talk to mom about this. It has been eating away at your life like a cancer. Your troubled relationships,your inability to reach an orgasm and drug use ALL stem from his abuse. By reaching out to mom you are asking for help and are well on your way to recovery. Yes it will come as a shock to mom or maybe not Jenny. Your father has a problem. Who knows how many other lives he has destoyed. Point is, with your help, by telling mom, you will be saving the rest of your life and it is a GREAT possibility someone elses. If you like try a counseler first then talk to mom. Remember,you to will bring a child into the family one day. Make it safe for him/her.
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