A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend and I have been together for 5 months and all has been going perfectly. The problem is, I have been planning an overseas trip for 5 weeks at the end of the year. He is having major issues with this and says he doesn't see the point wasting the next 9 months with someone who plans on running away and playing up on him. I'm crazy about this man, but how do I deal with his ultimatum? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 February 2007): Excuse me, but maybe YOU are the one who is "crazy" to be crazy about this man!!
What in the heck does he think he is doing, issuing an ultimatum? Good grief, he doesn't own you, does he? So he thinks he'd be "wasting time" for the next 9 months on someone who will be leaving on vacation for five weeks and will "play up" on him.
I've never heard anything so ridiculous in a very, very long time!
You know what? Take him up on his ultimatum! Tell him you have planned this trip, and are going to enjoy it. Tell him if he doesn't want to waste his time, then -- DON'T. Tell him he can go elsewhere.
That's the way to deal with a control freak. Ultimatums don't work.......good luck!
A
male
reader, eddie  +, writes (14 February 2007):
 What are you crazy about, as far as he's concened? He's basically told you he doesn't trust you, thinks you'll cheat and he doesn't want you to enjoy a trip you've been planning for a long time. That doesn't sound too nice.
I can understand that he might miss you, perhaps be a little insecure too. BUT you NEVER can solve insecurity issues by having the insecure person tighten the clamp on your freedom. What you are essentially doing, if you agree to his demands, is telling him he's correct and his fears are justified.
IF he chooses to deal with this, you can offer rreassurances to him. Let himknow you'll miss him, keep in contact and be a good girl !! I can't understand how some people can live with themselves when they try to dominate others and their actions, as he's doing. If you don't go away, you'll be miserable and resent him for demanding you daty home. You'll be angry with yourself too.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 February 2007): Ah sorry I misread, I read 5 months! 5 weeks is another matter all together.
I guess you have to try and reason with your boyfriend, give him a bit of support and encouragement and see if comes around.
Being insecure about being away from you for 5 weeks is one thing, but giving you ultimatum's is quite another. If he is giving you a hard time then I suggest you accept his ultimatum and say goodbye. If he were just a little insecure it wouldn't be a problem but it seems he is verging more on the controlling territory. Not what you need from a new relationship.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 February 2007): You are only going to be away 5 weeks! You have only known him for 5 months!! GO ON THAT TRIP! Why should you cancel this because he doesn't want you to go. No - you haven't got far enough into your relationship for this to be cancelled. If he want to be with you he has to be happy with you going on your trip and you two catching up on things when you get back. Please let us know the outcome of this one - I do hope you don't cancel the trip.
Have a great time and send us a postcard!!!
Take care
xx
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A
male
reader, Blue Rat  +, writes (14 February 2007):
Broadly speaking I agree with Jendorset. He is behaving like an immature and rather selfish child. Of course he doesn't WANT you to go. You'd be worried if he did. And he's bound to feel a little jealous too - who wouldn't? You're off on an exciting and extended break, doing some travelling while he's staying behind and working or studying or whatever (you don't say how old he is).
But he should be able to put that to one side and wish you a great trip and a nice time. You both have to trust each other whilst your apart (he seems to have lost sight of the fact that he could play away as easily as you could during your absence).
If you he can't trust you, and he can't survive a 5-week separation, then he's too childish for a relationship, and you've bugger all chance of making it last anyway.
You can't be dictated to like this. Tell him you love him, but you're still going on the trip. If he can't handle that, he's not worth having.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 February 2007): Looking at this from your boyfriends perspective, you've been together for five months and from your words it has been fantastic, I can understand why he doesn't want to loose you for five months because that distance will change the nature of your relationship.
He is allowed to be unhappy about this, but at the same time, if he doesn't want you to go, but you do want to go, then there is no point endlessly arguing over it.
Unfortunately it is just one of those things that you were with the right person, but at the wrong time.
See if you can find some kind of middle-way or compromise but, bare in mind if you want two different things then accept that perhaps this relationship is not going to work out and it is better to end it sooner rather than later.
You're not wrong for wanting to go and travel, he's not wrong for wanting to stay with you. You just have different expectations for the relationship. Relationships needs compromise -where you are both happy-. Try to find that.
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A
female
reader, Carina  +, writes (14 February 2007):
 Go on your trip! Five months is not a long time to be going out with someone and if you don't go and then you break up you'll always regret it. Any relationship that's going to last will last through a five week absence. Does your boyfriend use the words 'running away'? It sounds as though he's very insecure. Perhaps he's had some bad experiences with girls in the past? Does he have any reason to worry about you 'playing up on him'? If I was you I'd have a good talk to him and reassure him how much he means to you and how crazy you are about him. Tell him he knows he can trust you and that five weeks will go by very quickly. Tell him you'll keep in touch by email while you're away (from internet cafes). Explain that you can't give up an opportunity of a lifetime and that if it was him going you would trust him and look forward to seeing him when he got back. If he still gives you an ultimatum then I think you will have to seriously rethink this relationship. You're far to young to put your life on hold for someone else. Get in touch with me if you want further advice, but otherwise enjoy your trip!
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A
female
reader, Jendorset +, writes (14 February 2007):
Hes acting like a selfish insecure child. Tell him you love him and that your not going to cheat on him. And anyway, he will probly cheat on you while your away. Your relationship may not even last to the end of this year. Dont give up your trip, if you do he will think he can tell what you can and cant do all the time. If you give up the trip he will probly start controling and dominating you or wingeing like a child untill he gets his own way with everything. Personally, i dont think you should stay with someone who doesnt want you to have a good time enless he is there to check up on you and doesnt want you to do things that will help you develop as a person. If he would REALLY let you give up your trip, its the first sign of a bastard and will probly lead to a horrible relationship.
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