A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I'm in love with my friend. We get on well, but recently he's been avoiding speaking to me. I am currently revising for my exams, and he knew that i have problems with some areas. I forgot i even told him about the difficulties, until he reminded me, and he said he would help sort it and all i had to do is ask.well, i do need help now, and he's not answering my calls, i've texted him telling i need help and asking if he is not busy. i know he doesnt answer my call when he is with his family (his parents) because thats the way we are, i wouldnt answer the call if he rang me if i was with my parents, coz when we speak, we both cant help but flirt and say things to each other that makes the other person feel akward.despite all this, i feel i still love him, and am willing to forgive him. he usually apologises when he knows he has done something wrong, coz i'l usually tell him when he is annoying me. but this time i dont have the courage to tell. i think its coz his moving soon for a couple of years for work, and i dont want lose him, even if he just my friend. if we did start a relationship, i would wait for him to come back. this just proves how committed i am to him.i feel like i'm been used at times, but my love for him just overpowers anything and everything.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 February 2007): Let's see if I understand what you are asking. He's your friend and you love him. Have you ever told him this? If you haven't told him, then he's not a mind reader and perhaps you can tell him how you feel. But I am betting he already knows you love him, even if he has never heard it from your mouth? If this is truly the case, then he is aware that you love him then he knows you want more of a committed, romantic relationship So then, I have to ask, why isn't he forthcoming with that? We know that any fears that you'll reject him are definitely not a problem. He knows you'll jump at the chance to date him and begin a love relationship. But he's not responding.What are his actions telling you? I am sure he's a nice guy who cares about you but perhaps just as a good friend, hun. You say he is not answering your texts and you forgive him. There is nothing to forgive..he's simply a friend who has a life, who has not had time to call you back. And for whatever reasons he doesn't call you back, is logically, none of your concern. He's a free agent, he does what he wants. Right?
You need to stop calling him and work through your feelings and understand..it's pointless to make this man love you back, when he's not making the steps to move toward you. And why are talking about being used. This is not a 'sex buddy' scenario is it? I sure hope not! Flirtatious banter back and forth on the telephone is not 'using' a person. You are equal to him...you clearly flirted back with him but you made an error in judgment. You expected him to feel the same way about you, that you do about him. He was having fun..you took it seriously. You went into that with your eyes wide open and "straight ahead, Fred".
Here's what you do: You back off for awhile. I suggest rather than dating anyone else..is that you call up your friends and get out and have fun with people you know well and trust...simply to start the painful task of distracting yourself and practicing the process of taking your mind of this 'friend'. Stop all your emotional suffering and yes-use your logic, personal courage and strength. Realize that part of what hurts is not reality. It's just the pain of losing the 'dream' you keep creating in your own mind, of how wonderful things would be if this guy would simply respond to you, in the romantic way you have desired. The key is to take your primary focus off him. The thing is you need to stop thinking you can't go on without him because you can. Pining away, dwelling and longing for someone, who doesn't love you in the way you so richly deserve, is just plain silly and a waste of your time. I want you to do an experiment, stop contact with this guy. No phoning, no emailing, no texting. Try an experimental run..just do it for two-three weeks. See if you can do it. It will be hell for you but make plans to keep yourself very, very busy. Two things may happen:
1) He'll call you and wonder why you haven't been in touch. Maybe, then this will be the time to tell him you've been thinking a lot about your friendship and that you want to date him. Be honest. Ask him-is a romantic relationship possible or shall you both just remain good friends? It's risky but see what he says. His answer will tell you what you truly need to know. If he says 'friendship' only..then you have no choice but to accept that, remain friends but, if you can't accept that, then you need to move on with your life and get him out of your head and heart.
2) If he doesn't call, then you will be able to 'finally see the light and think logically' and finally draw the conclusion, he's just not interested in taking this further. The key is strength of character and willpower..and remember this quote I heard 'pain is necessary and suffering is optional.' It's 'your' choice, hun. And please, please...remember, you do have other friends!
I wish you well and please take good care of yourself. Keep me posted on how you make out. Take Care
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