A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes: I recently ran into a guy that a year ago I had a relationship with for about 6 months and I thought we could become more. We spent 4 days out of 7 together usually on a weekly basis and he called me everyday. He was married for 6 years and just got divorced when i met him. He talked a lot about his ex, he was not over her and I felt it was good therapy for him so it never bothered me. We spent many intimate times together and so much time together that i thought he had no room to spend with anyone else. (However he did tell me he really didn't want a girlfriend at this time.) Well I was wrong. I met his family a few times. Even went out with them on several occasions. I spent thanksgiving with him and he stayed at my house christmas day eve into late christmas morning. Exchanged gifts. He also took me out New years eve and we spent all of new years day together. 2 weeks later I arrived at his door, because I was waiting for him at my house and didn't show. When I got there he had another woman with him!! She confronted him by saying "Are you dating her? and he said I'm seeing her" Okay, well I'm not sure really what that meant, but I couldn't speak. I just walked out without saying anything. I exited as lady like as possible feeling crushed. I didn't want anything to do with him. Later that day this other woman called me and we compared notes. She told me that she invited him to her parents for christmas day where he and her exchanged gifts. She was upset to find out that he asked me out on NYE and not her. She told me that she always found it impossible to get a hold of him by phone (now I know all those times i was with him he kept it on silent!)and he lied a couple of times that he was having all these problems with his cell was being fixed and that's why they would go days without talking. But he would not commit to her either. She feels that eventually they would have become much more down the road, so she says. He claims that wasn't true at all and that neither one of us at that time were going to be anything,at least that is what he was thinking. He said he was just looking for sex and to keep busy to take his ex off his mind. He apologized for putting it so bluntly but claims he wants to be honest to me. The truth do you think? He said he felt closer to me than any other girl and was scared to commit. He wanted to commit but also didn't really know how to gently get rid of the other woman, because he had sex with her too and she was slowly manipulating him into her family (by the way, she lives home with mom and dad) he felt kind of trapped. When she and I found out about one another he said he actually felt relieved. He ended the relationship with her in hopes to keep me, but it didn't work out that way. Well, now he is telling me that he never stopped thinking of me and wished I stuck it out with him. He wants me to give him another chance and promises to be his one and only. I really like him, matter of fact I do believe I fell in love with him and would like to give it a shot. We have a lot in common and have such a great time together. He does seem very different now. More clear-headed, I suppose. Do you think I should give him another try?? Any insight on this relationship would be great thanks!!
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christmas, crush, divorce, fell in love, her ex, his ex, trapped Reply to this Question
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male
reader, softtouchmale2003 +, writes (23 September 2009):
 I think what's bothering you is a trust issue here. And part of that is a character flaw in your ex boyfriend. Now its true some guys when they're on the rebound are going to double up their chances.
Sage advice is never lure innocent people into a relationship when there are so many other contenders vying for your attention. Translation: don't go using women like this.
Some bad advice to them is sleep with only one, consider the others, if that's what you must do. Its not the best.
In his case, he was two-timing you and the other woman.
Fast forward to today. He seems to have his mind cleared of his ex wife, and his other woman. He is focused on you.
The real question to me is whether or not he's sincere, whether or not he can stay faithful to you; and whether or not you can trust him.
If you can't trust him, your relationship and love will not last. So he really needs to focus on building trust up with you, and I suppose you need to work on forgiving him.
Is it possible to bring this back from the grave? Yes. The world is full of possibilities and it seems that you both have strong feelings for each other. He hasn't forgotten you and you haven't forgotten him.
Its possible to pick this one up. This isn't a re-run of Casablanca and this time there's no spouse or other person interfering so if you set limits, you may just make it this time.
But tread cautiously.
A
female
reader, Honest_Answers  +, writes (23 September 2009):
 This guy sounds like he has a lot of issues. Getting out of a divorce he probably naturally wanted to play the field but lying to you and deceiving you is wrong, no matter which way you look at it. He says he was 'relieved' when you and the other woman found out about each other - if he was so tense why did he not do something about it earlier. If he didn't want to be in a relationship with the other woman he could have ended it, it may have been 'difficult' to him but at the same time it was necessary.
Now nobody on this advice page knows this guy so you really just have to trust him yourself and trust your own judgement. We'd never fall in love if we were scared of being hurt. But you must also consider how much you would trust him as this is an integral part of any relationship. If you have no trust I'd say don't bother. If you love him and trust him go for it! x x x
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (23 September 2009):
I'm afraid I'm going to say that he's playing with you. Men are good at that. It doesn't sound like he has that much respect for you to be honest, nor any other woman. He can make all the promises in the world to you, but it doesn't sound like he'll keep them. I think you might be better trying to meet someone else. You're not his toy, so please don't act like it. Find someone who will respect you. x
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A
male
reader, rcn +, writes (23 September 2009):
 You said you believe him, love him and wanna give him a shot, so why come here and attempt to question what you say you already know? You seem set on giving him another shot, and if that's where your heart leads you, I wish you the best, and all the happiness that comes with.
What I am going to address is his being untruthful. This can be an issues when you're together as well. He didn't know how to let her down easy? No, although he may have change, in a way I believe he was enjoying the variety. Think about it, the only difference between what he was doing and ending it with the other girl was getting caught. So, I question, if he becomes uneasy with your relationship, is he going to have another person on the side there too? Or is he going to be man enough to discuss issues that may bother him, even if they're not what you want to hear? I'd definitely tread lightly, and as before look for what's not right in front of you. If your relationship takes a negative turn, there will be signs. People too often say they didn't know. There's a difference between not knowing and ignoring the signs.
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