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anonymous
writes:This is going to sound ridiculous, some of you will probably ask why I am even thinking about doing it if I have doubts. I used to think exactly the same. The thing is, I feel like I have so much to loose if I don't; I get on great with his family, I love him (like a best friend) and we have spent so much on the wedding already which is 5 months away.The thing is, he is like a best friend. There is no sexual attraction to him at all, I don't even want him kissing me anymore. Is marriage like this in the end anyway? Does the attraction fizzle out completely? If so, then I suppose I'm getting it out of the way early!I don't want to hurt him, or lose him as a friend (may this be a lesson to those who want to get romantically involved with someone who was once their friend) but I don't know how I can go through life without an active sex life. I used to enjoy it so much with my previous partner.
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 June 2011): I had a situation that was similar to yours, except I was too young for it to involve marriage. My first serious boyfriend...things were great. We got along so well, our arguments were rare and got resolved quickly, his family loved me, my family loved him. He was the absolute perfect boyfriend!Except for the fact that after a bit, I lost attraction to him. Throughout the majority of our relationship, I didn't want him to kiss me, I didn't want to kiss him, the thought of having sex with him (I was a virgin but he wanted sex; never gave in because I didn't love him, though I told him I did...) just absolutely did not appeal to me. I did love him in a friend way, but as far as a romantic relationship, I didn't want anything to do with him. After a while of dating, I knew I had to break things off. I couldn't keep leading him on when I wasn't romantically satisfied.So even though he was the perfect boyfriend and everything I'd want if written down on paper, I dumped him. He deserved someone who loved him like he loved me.Believe me, when you don't have romantic feelings for the one you're with, things are so much easier. You don't feel the urge to start an argument if they just glance at another girl, you don't freak out if they don't text you for a couple days, you don't feel the need to be as clingy. Those relationships are more stable generally. However, you're missing out on real love! Real love always has issues, but they get solved if it's meant to be, and it's exciting and great.He deserves someone who loves him, and you deserve to be in love. Do yourself AND him a favor and dump him. Let him know why, too, so he's not left with any questions. And let him know he is amazing and deserves better than you and that he did nothing wrong.I'm lucky enough today to have my ex I was speaking of be a constant in my life. We are best friends and I love him as that much. I have no feelings for him, but he is an amazing and supportive friend. And, though my boyfriend isn't crazy about me having a guy best friend who was also an ex, my boyfriend is amazing and we're so in love, even with a couple issues that need worked on. It's totally worth it. :)
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reader, Jmtmj  +, writes (15 June 2011):
 If you're on a train and you see in the distance that the bridge up ahead is broken, do you stay in your seat and convince yourself that everything is fine?
Or do you try and jump off the moving train... knowing full well that whilst it will certainly hurt tremendously, that there's a good chance you'll be saving your own life...
Dramatic comparison true... but look at it like this-
What are the two greatest experiences of life... Do a survey anywhere in the world and you're certainly going to have "love" and "sex" lingering at the top of the list. Right now you have neither, (sorry, but "love like a best friend" doesn't sound like true love to me... that sounds more like a convenient travel companion for your life- rather than a lover.
Now I haven't been married before so maybe you should take what I say with a pinch of salt- I don't want to overstep my experience here in case this is just a case of cold feet. I suspect it isn't because you seem to imply that the sexual attraction was never really there from the start... Can you clarify that? Why did you get into this relationship to begin with, let alone find yourself so close to marriage? Has your sex life with your fiance always been inactive?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 June 2011): I have friends who got married when their hearts and minds were screaming NO. They got married because they had made a promise, and their significant others were expecting that promise to be kept, even though the relationship had deteriorated by then to the point that my friends didn't want to be with their partners any more, but felt that it was morally 'wrong' to call off the wedding and break that promise. So they went ahead and married their partners (yes I do have more than one friend in this situation, it may be more common than we think) and even had kids too, and are now completely miserable and unhappy and chronically depressed and feeling like they've ruined their lives but are trapped because of now having kids. These people are very unhappy and bitter with their lives and I dont' envy them. you don't want to end up like this. however wrong it feels to call off a wedding, it's always better to do that than proceeding with it despite feeling that you dont' want it and the only thing stopping you is guilt or fear of something. if you call off a wedding, you can always get married to that same person later if in the future you're in a better place relationship-wise and mentally and emotionally and feeling positively sure about it.But if you proceed with a wedding when you're having huge doubts and even knowing it's not what you want to do, then you can't reverse that decision except with a lot of pain and money and effort (i.e. divorce)
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 June 2011): NO don't get married. You ask, after describing your relationship, if this is what all marriages become like in the end anyway? the answer is - yes the ones that are miserable marriages do become like that in the end, the kind that either end in divorce or never end but one or both people feel trapped and miserable for the rest of their lives and maybe go on to have affairs or whatever.don't marry out of being afraid to lose something.if you marry your boyfriend, your relationship will be ruined and it will be much harder to leave (divorce) when you've finally had all you can take.it makes no sense to marry someone just because you want to keep them in your life in some way shape or form. it's better to re-frame your relationship if it's not going to be a marriage. Make it into a platonic friendship instead, not an intimate committed relationship because it's already changed anyway, just make it official and so you don't mislead him.
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reader, yomama65  +, writes (14 June 2011):
 Hi! I just went through a similar situation, except I wasn't getting married to the guy. He was a man I had been romantically involved with for three years, and then then the "romantic" part just sort of fizzled over time, to the point where I just wasn't feeling very sexually attracted to him anymore,but I still loved him dearly as a friend. The mistake I made was that after ending the romantic relationship I tried to get back together with him "as friends" because I missed his friendship and we did have alot of fun times together. Problem was, he was still in love with me and when I started seeing other guys he got really upset. So, you are taking the risk of losing him completely, including the friendship, but to me, you need to feel that sexual attraction to a spouse or you will not be happy in the long term. I would give it some serious thought and then listen to your heart and your gut and just be honest with him, even though it may hurt both of you. Your spouse should be your LOVER AND your BEST FRIEND! :) Best of luck!
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 June 2011): "There is no sexual attraction to him at all, I don't even want him kissing me anymore."
This is a serious issue, and the question is "why". Don't get married, at least not now, until you figure this out.
If this is an issue the marriage is doomed unless it gets resolved.
Hurt? Yeah, it will hurt to stop the process.
But, it hurts a lot more when you have two kids and a job are paying bills and worrying about your family and then you find out your wife is messing around with another guy who she met at the grocery store and who doesn't give a rat's ass about anything.
He might be the guy you should marry, but something is wrong at this point and you need to figure it out.
My advice is to go to a premarital counselor and lay it all out there.
Were you sexually abused, neglected, raped, did your father leave your mother or your mother leave your father, were their affairs in your family of origin, what about his family, do you feel inadequate, etc, etc, etc. It all plays a role.
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reader, Dodds  +, writes (14 June 2011):
 You clearly know the answer to this,what i dont know is why youre looking for validation. Marriage is serious business,so regardless of how much money was spent in preparation,no matter how much you dont want to hurt him,no matter how 'friendly' he is towards you,no matter how little sexual attraction you feel for him,he doesnt deserve you marrying him if you dont feel for him that way,you may feel you stand to lose alot despite your gut telling you that you wont be happy long term,can you see yourself living with him for the rest of your life? I mean think about it..Its reasons like this why many marriages dont last,why coz you consciously chose to marry the wrong person,you say you felt the attraction for your previous partner but not this guy and so what that does that tell about this context,what if later on in the marriage you run into 'MR. RIGHT'? How does it feel knowing that you could be another addition to the statistic of failed marriages? I might sound cynical or overly critical but i prefer bluntness,i think your gonna make a huge mistake that could potentially hurt alot of folk but i also believe that what works for you and makes you happy is where you should move towards....the balls in your court now,make the wise choice
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reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (14 June 2011):
 my cousin many years ago called off a wedding THREE WEEKS before the ceremony... it was an expensive mess... but it was being true to her heart...
I am not one to diss friendship but marriage is special and if you don't want to rush home and jump your partner's bones at this point in the relationship, I fear later on affairs may occur... IF you and your best friend can deal with that type of marriage then go for it.
but if you want a traditional monogamous marriage, complete with a healthy sex life, bail now.
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reader, Star xxx +, writes (14 June 2011):
 I would say its a bad idea, you will both end up repenting each other down the line. As much as it may cause hurt to people the best thing would be to call the wedding off. I have been with my husband 17 years and the sexual attraction and love is as strong if not more so now than in the early days. There is someone out there that is right for you and you do have to put yourself first as it is the rest of your life you are about to embark on.
Good luck x
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