A
female
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:For the last couple of months, my relationship with my parents has been awful. Let me start with the fact that I was raised in a very chaotic and abusive house, however, things have been more calm for the last couple of years but still, my mom does disgusting things with men to get money and my dad is the typical macho with disgusting mentality towards women. The last couple of months have been terrible with my family. I was offered an amazing job with a great salary, therefore, I can say that I'm ready to move out and start everything on my own, and I am moving out to another city in a couple of months. However, when my parents noticed that I'm getting more and more independent and that I'm gaining some good cash, they started to make me feel left out and make me think that I'm ungrateful for raising me to be the person I am today. Although I have grown up to be in an emotional mess and detached, I managed to have a successful career but they believe that they are the reason why I reached the point of being successful, yet they still compare me to other people (cousins that help their parents financially or are just obedient) in order to make me feel guilty and trash. And they always brainwash family members to think that I'm a very materialistic and selfish person. Sometimes I feel that I don't belong anywhere and very lonely, I want to feel loved and also be able to love, however, I don't know if it's just I'm really ready to look for something serious or it's just an emotional response to what I've been through. I've been in a conflict with myself regarding my parents, sometimes I feel guilty and tell myself that I should keep things normal with them, however, every time a discussion comes up, they get very defensive and make me feel like crap. Other times I feel like cutting them off completely because a small part inside me refuses to forgive them for what they've done and what they are still doing to me. I don't know how I can continue my life like this as I have no idea what to do. I know that parents are humans and they also make mistakes, however, being around them sometimes is very toxic and mentally draining. Would you ever forgive your parents for the trauma they've caused you? How do I know that I'm emotionally available for commitment and relationships?
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female
reader, mystiquek +, writes (30 April 2022):
 Try to find a way to be at peace with the past and forgive them. For YOUR sake. Holding onto anger and bitterness causes damage to your heart and mind. You cant change the past so why dwell in it?
I speak from experience. I had an incredible father and a not so wonderful mother. Her father was an alcoholic and I am sure it did severe damage to her. My mother did the right things in the way od food, shelter, clothibg, taking us to school events but was very emotionally abusive. I could write a book about it. She made my sister and I feel very insecure, never good enough, very nervous and always unsure of ourselves. She would constantly trash us in front of friends, family, partners. I got married young, got divorced and made the cardinal mistake (inhet eyes) of getting remarried and moving 2000 miles away with her only grandchild at the time. She has never forgiven me for that. It was 35 years ago! When my husband and I found out I wad pregnant she said " why did you do sonething so stupid?" How long is that shit marriage going to last???" We were thrilled my husband had no children! That hurt. Everytime her and my dad came to visit, she cut me down in front of my husband and children. Angry? Bitter? Jealous?? Who knows.
I learned to have a tough heart. I had to! No matter what I did it wasnt good enough. Luckily I had an incredible grandmother and mother in law that gave me the love and support I needed from a female figure. My dad always tried to sheild my sister and I from her but he could not change. Shes still at 86 very mran manipulative and vindictive. My fathet passed away unexpectedly at 84, and the next day she threw out all his things, declared she never loved him and 3 months later moved in with her "love of her life". I was just sick..but what could I do? It was hurting me so much and I had to let go. I prayed seeked guidance and had a degree in psychology but still dont understand her. She is who she is and I have accepted that. She has demonS and should have sought help but never did and never will. I cant change her only me. We have adistant but cordial relationship.
Let go of what has been done and move on. Once you get away it will get easier for you, I promise. Free your heart and mind. Accept that your parents are not what you want them to be and just be grateful for the fact thay they gave you life, gave you basics. Dont expect more. You will feel better.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 April 2022): As a Christian, my faith demands that I forgive. However, I am allowed to forgive and love from a distance. We have to be very careful how we offer advice here; because we've never met you or your family. We haven't witnessed how you all interact with each-other; and they don't get to tell their side of the story.
One thing that can't be denied. They gave you life, and you're living with them while you're saving your money; to move-out and resume your life, and be independent. You can't deny you stayed with your parents knowing how they are. You didn't choose to live with anybody else; or maybe you had no other choice. They had the choice to say "no!" If you are living with them, because you didn't have the money to live on your own. Who's doing whom a favor? They financially supported and took care of you; until you were able to take care of your yourself. Yet somehow, you are still there living with them. If they've got financial problems, why would it be a problem to help them out? Why are they obligated to help you, when you're old enough to fend for yourself?
Nobody says you have to support them; but they've helped you when you needed it. There's no law that says you have to help your parents, but I can't see why we can't show our appreciation and help them if they really need it? They shouldn't have to ask. You don't have to lavish them with gifts, give them money for no reason, or financially support them; unless you're really successful, far beyond their dreams. Making money hand over fist, and knowing you'll blow it all on luxuries and nonsense anyway. Think of what they could have had, or may have sacrificed; if they didn't have to financially support us as kids, and/or put us through college. So, here some folks are now; living with their parents as adults. While holding resentment against them, under their own roofs?
By God's grace, I've never had to return to live at home once I grew-up and left; but I'm making a point here, not patting myself on the back. I'm telling you, I had some serious financial scrapes over the years; but I just hustled and dug-in and got through it. My dad was pretty well-off financially; but I only asked for his help once. I tried to pay him back, he refused to take it. I bought him some very expensive gifts for his birthdays, Christmas, or Father's Day; so he couldn't give them back! He left me and my siblings properties and a tidy sum when he died. Not everyone is so blessed, but nothing substitutes for their love and protection. Even if they are rotten parents, and don't leave us a dime; they gave us life. We are forced to distance ourselves from them, if life was all they were able to give us; but couldn't offer love to compensate for what they couldn't otherwise provide. Such is life, and sometimes people are born into dysfunction and abusive families. If it's unbearable, it's hard to comprehend how someone would or could return to such an environment?
If they have to guilt us into doing things, that leaves a lot of questions. Why do they feel they are owed anything? Why would an adult-child impose on their parents when their lives are a mess? Seems to me, they'd be the last people on earth I'd want to live with, if they're such terrible people. I'd rather be homeless; than to return to people who abused and mistreated me, to such a degree I might need professional-counseling to recover from it.
Our parents don't have to support us, or take us in; while we're full-grown adults. If parents were totally horrible to their children throughout their childhood, I can't see why they'd allow you to live with them as adults? Why would any full-grown individual even want to return, or continue living in a dysfunctional home with terrible parents??? I guess the convenience beats being homeless. If it doesn't benefit in some way, I can't see doing it.
According to old-traditions, parents raise and support us; then we grow-up and leave home to take care of ourselves. They work until they retire; and if they can afford to, they try to accumulate something they can leave us as our inheritance. Be it a home, money, property, valuables, a business, or family heirlooms. It's a normal trend for adult-children to move back in with their parents; when they are down or their luck. Maybe while finishing their graduate studies, or following a divorce. If you're broke, then you're not likely contributing much, or nothing at all. If you are paying them rent, and contributing to the household expenses; it must be cheaper than living anywhere else. I mean, once we grow-up, we're supposed to go start our own families, and have our own homes. We're not supposed to comeback, unless it's to visit. Then we leave, and go back to our own lives and homes. If we can muster the nerve to return to the scene of the crime, where a painful childhood occurred, how bad was it really?
Now that you're an adult, you don't have to put-up with anything you don't want to. I mean, most teenagers are stubborn, willful, and rebellious. How is it suddenly they become so submissive to their parents once they're adults? If their parents said "no," or denied you/us something as a teenager; there was hell to pay! We'd do it anyway, and took the punishment. Unless of course, you were the exception to the rule. Always agreeable, obedient, never got into trouble; and you were a total angel. Never once did they have to step-in to get you out of trouble?
They've got some terrible faults, and maybe they never should have been parents. It is what it is! They do and say awful things. Yet, they didn't kick you out of the house; and let you stay as long as you needed to. I'd say they've got one redeemable quality. They won't let you be homeless.
You should forgive them. You don't have to live with them, and you don't have to financially support them; but you should help them if they really need it. They obviously gave you a place to stay; while you saved and got your life in order. They're not ideal parents; but they are the reason you exist. Love them from a distance. One day they will die, and you won't have to worry about them anymore. Mine are both gone. I wish I had something I could complain about, and they were still alive!
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious  +, writes (29 April 2022):
 Oh sweetheart, nobody can make you feel guilty or "like crap" or bad about yourself in any way without your permission. You know you have had a difficult upbringing, so comparing you to others (who, I am guessing, have had a much more stable upbringing) is out of order. After all, you could just as easily compare your upbringing and your parents to those of the person to whom you are being unfavourably compared.
One bit of advice: keep what you earn to yourself. Your parents may feel inferior because you earn more money than they have ever earned. Build up your savings somewhere safe so they are there for when you need them but don't boast about your earnings or savings.
Obviously we do not know you or your parents, but I know that very few women work in the sex industry out of choice - not THEIR choice, anyway. I can't help wondering if your father's attitude towards women is connected to your mother prostituting herself. Maybe she is doing what she can to survive. Maybe she did it to ensure you (you don't mention any siblings so I assume you are an only child) had what you needed growing up. Perhaps her own upbringing was even worse than yours and she simply did her best, pitiful as that may appear to you. As I said, I don't know your mother, but I do know that abusive upbringings can rear abusive adults, who carry on the abuse because they know no other way. Make it your goal to break this cycle and never allow any children you have to suffer as you have suffered.
You are old enough to stand on your own two feet, to remove yourself from the influence of your parents. Make that your first priority. Become completely independent of them, set up your new home and work hard at your new job. Once you feel strong enough, then you can start to think about how much contact you want to keep with your parents - if any. It is possible, given a bit of distance, your relationship will improve to a point where you can tolerate being around them because it will be on YOUR terms and you can walk away if things go bad. It may also be that you choose to have minimal or even no contact with them because you find it is better for your mental health that way. You have to make the choice FOR YOU. You don't need to make any decisions yet.
I would advise not looking for a relationship at present, not until you have settled in your new job and new home and decided how much contact you want to have with your parents. Make a good life for yourself, then you will hopefully find someone who will make it even better. You already have a successful career. Build on that and don't allow your childhood to define who you are as an adult.
You can do this. Stay strong.
Wishing you lots of luck.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 April 2022): Your situation sounds similar to my own with my parents. I am sorry you have had to go through this. You owe them nothing and it is amazing you have turned out so wise, capable, independent, mature, brave and ambitious considering how they are. They not only sound "nothing special" but the dregs of society, you are the total opposite. It's a shame that people don't have to prove they will be good parents first before they are allowed to have kids. Think you would make a terrific mother but if you prefer to be a career person and not bother that is your choice too. If I were you I would not help them or forgive them, and probably not bother to see them or speak to them again either, as that could turn into a confusing and upsetting situation with a lot of hassle and upset and no good coming from it for you. Put yourself first now.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (28 April 2022):
 Put it out of your mind for now, as FA said, your primary concern should be getting away from them and having your full independence - after that? LIVE your life. AS you want.
You don't OWE your parents anything, other than living the best life you can. If that means cutting them out, then do so. If it means forgiving them down the line, that is an option too.
When you get settled in your new place, FIND a therapist and work on sorting out your childhood, so that YOU can be the healthiest person you can be. For you and for any future partner.
Abuse in childhood will absolutely shape that person. However, it doesn't mean that your life has to revolve around your past abuse and neglect. That is NOT all you are. You were as a child a victim, now you are becoming a survivor. I think with the help of a therapist you can work through your past and accept that what your parents DID is NOT your responsibility or fault. That YOU are responsible for YOU not them. It will take time, but it might be worth it to you.
It's time to spread your wings.
Lastly, your parents comparing you to a cousin who takes care of her parents is a manipulation move, they are hoping to GUILT you into doing the same. Maybe that cousin WANTS to do this. Maybe this cousin has a great bond with her parents. Maybe... she isn't helping out as much as every claim. People want to save face. Regardless, SHE is another person. You are you. YOU make YOUR choices.
You can do this. Good luck with the move and your new job and new start in life!
And remember, you CAN NOT change your parents. Only how you react to them.
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A
female
reader, QueenCupcake +, writes (28 April 2022):
 Abusers need to make themselves feel good even if that is by claiming credit for their victims success which is what it sounds like your parents are doing to you. It’s wrong with them to be the way they are with you, they should not be manipulating you or making you feel bad for wanting to make a future. Most parents would be proud of the children’s success. I would suggest for your own health, considering counselling and therapy. I would also try and get out of there as soon as possible. Do you have any friends you could stay with? Or any other nicer family members?
If your only option is to stay with your parents until you find your own place, they maybe contribute something towards your living costs. Not for them and their sake, and don’t give any more than you have to, but just something towards your living costs for your own peace of mind, and to keep them off your back. It doesn’t have to be a big amount, and don’t prioritise that, make sure you prioritise your own place, and all the things you need first
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A
male
reader, Kenyzugandan  +, writes (28 April 2022):
 Sometimes we need to have soft heart please forgive Forget all what they did
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (28 April 2022):
 It's a pretty bad idea for children to be expected to help their parents financially.
As to advice for you, when you have some distance you will be better able to determine when and how to forgive your parents. The first step is to get independent. Put this off for a few years.
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