A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hey guys I really need some advice. So here goes ... I have been together with my boyfriend *dave ( not his real name) for about 5 and years and a half. We live together, we have a dog we have joint bank account I mean everything we are basically married minus the actual marriage license. So lately we have been talking about marriage a lot and I have been feeling so guilty because about 4 years ago we broke up for about two months and in that time I slept with someone else. I felt really bad about it and decided that * Dave was definitely the one for me and asked him to get back together. I never told him about this until four years later when we started thinking of getting married. So one day out of the blue I told him basically when we broke up for that short amount of time I slept with someone else and I'm really sorry. He was really hurt and said that for that short amount of time all he could do was think about me and he couldn't believe I could do something like that. In the end we talked it out and he said he forgave me. I was very happy thinking we can start fresh and new and live happily ever after. Unfortunately that was not the case. About a month and a half later I was looking thru his phone and just out of curiosity I went thru his browser history. I found that he had signed up for a dating website called datehookup. I was so shocked at what I found I kept looking thru everything that was there and found out that he was sending messages to girls saying things like " you have nice eyes, message me sometime. " or " you are really beautiful, hit me up when you wanna talk." And so on and so forth. He has sent about 7 messages in total and only one really responded. Well I was livid and when he came home I confronted him about it. He told me he was sorry and he never cheated on me that all he did was talk to one girl for about two days and it never really got far. He said that once they started to message he stared to feel guilty an realize he didn't want to do that anymore. So he stopped talking to her. I asked him why he signed up for it and why he wanted to cheat on me and he said because I had hurt him so bad when I told him about me sleeping with someone else he said he wanted to hurt me. Well mission accomplished. I was in shock and hurting so bad I asked whether there was anything else he needed to tell me and he said no. He left to go to the bathroom and like an idiot I decided to check his email associated with the dating website and I know all his passwords so eventually I got in. ... I found that he had been looking for sex on Craigslist and sending messages to whoever. These messages were however in November 2011 and June 2012. He wrote things like " my girlfriend isn't fun anymore, id like to have fun with you" " you look tasty lets meet up" "I'm in a relationship too and I'm bored with the same old routine lets meet up". Well when he came back I again confronted him and he again he said how sorry he was and he said he never cheated on me and that it only went as far as messaging. He said no one ever answered him and e felt stupid for even trying. I asked why he did this and he said I don't know I was stupid I made a mistake. God how I hate hearing that. So I kept asking him until he finally told me in November 2011 he was unemployed and he said he didn't feel wanted anymore. Which is why he was looking he says he did it for like two days and then changed his mind. And in June 2012 I was unemployed for the longest and he said we were fighting so much our relationship at that time was rocky ( which is sort of true) but he felt like he was unappreciated. I found the timelines to be true but was still extremely hurt. In the end he said he was always afraid I would be the one to cheat on him or hurt him so he wanted to hurt me first. I also found some sign up for a porn website but I can't really be mad at that because he's a guy and well guys need this once in a while so I overlooked it. And btw our sex life is great by my standards and by his. So I'm just really confused I mean here's this guy who I've spent for years being with and yeah we have our ups and downs but I mean I thought we were so happy. And this whole thing that I found out makes my five happy years feel like a lie. I don't know what to do. I want to forgive him and trust he won't do this again because he says he doesn't want to lose me and loves me. I really want to believe this but I want some advice, opinions, anything really. I need to know should I stay with him and work thru this or should I make him pack up and put these five years behind me?
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female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (1 December 2013):
 Basically his point of view is that he just cant over the fact that you slept with someone else while you were broken up with him. I think that broke his entire trust in you, that you could even think about another guy in that way, when he had eyes only for you and couldn't stop thinking about you. And what he's doing now is that he's seeking revenge to get even and put you through the same hurt that he went through himself. Talk about immature!!This is really not the right, healthy way to deal with hurt but he's chosen the path to self destruction and I don't think you can do anything here. You've come clean, apologized, done everything you could have done and if he still decides that he's on the warpath and wont rest till he's done cheating on you and hurting you, then I'm afraid the relationship is as good as over. He might be good and the perfect boyfriend and things might be hunky-dory on some days but you never really know when his mood will swing and his past feelings will come rushing back. You cant possibly keep walking on eggshells nor can you keep apologizing for what you did. In any case, it wasn't even your fault because you didn't cheat on him per se...you slept with the guy while you were broken up. What your boyfriend is doing is MUCH worse, he's actively looking to cheat on you while WITH you and that is unforgivable. He's just faking it with excuses; unemployment, fighting, blah blah...that's all rubbish. Most couples go through these phases but that doesn't mean that they stray and cheat on their partner. "My girlfriend isn't fun anymore, I'd like to have fun with you" "You look tasty lets meet up" "I'm in a relationship too and I'm bored with the same old routine lets meet up"This is all beyond ridiculous OP!! He claims to be in love with you and yet he's cheap enough to communicate with girls in this way, while humiliating you at the same time! Wow!! I would NOT put up with this if I were you! Refuse to put up with this nonsense OP. This guy frankly sounds like a loser. He's whiny, he's insecure and he'll end up blaming you for all that's wrong in his life just because he's incapable of taking the blame. Why is it so difficult for him to decide what he wants? If he can get over your past then he should just accept what you did and NEVER MENTION IT AGAIN. That topic should be dead for him. If he cant forgive you and he thinks that what you did is haunting him way too much, then he is free to move on. Why is he so indecisive? And the bigger question is, can YOU be with someone who you know is this fickle? Do you think he can move ahead and you can go back to having a secure, healthy, happy relationship? That's a question only you can answer OP.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (1 December 2013): Tough call.
The problem with "not technically cheating" is that neither emotions nor sexual diseases care about technicalities. Conventional wisdom says you had the right to keep your other guy a secret from your BF but I don't agree. I think it was wrong to keep it a secret from him since it was a short split and he never emotionally split from you at all.
When someone is supposed to be your true love and life partner, IMO people shouldn't be hiding behind technicalities to justify hurtful things. A relationship is not supposed to feel like a legal transaction where you keep all your emotional barriers up and keep a sharp eye out for deception with every word they say.
But what to do about your BF now? I don't know. It sure complicates things that he isn't so squeaky clean as he appeared.
If it was happening to me, I think a lot would depend on whether or not he followed through on his verbal flirting with actual meet-ups. I could forgive a whole lot more typing and talking than if my partner was actually seeing other people in person and doing sexual things with them.
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A
female
reader, KC12 +, writes (30 November 2013):
 You made one mistake, and that was while you were APART, according to what you said. IF you really were broken up at that time, then you were NOT necessarily in the wrong,( and he is just using your guilt to validate his own actions.)
He, however, is showing all the signs of "serial cheater."
Blaming you, holding YOUR past misdeeds against you, cheating by proxy online and saying "it was just messages," Telling other girls your sex life is boring, etc...
The line about being afraid YOU would cheat him, so he wanted to hurt you first is the biggest line of crock! So many cheaters use that line. It only shows how single-minded and selfish they are.
Don't believe that he's only messaging and emailing these girls. I bought that one at first, by one of my exes...and only found out that as soon as I went home from his house, he was emailing other girls to come over because "the coast was clear" and "The witch is gone." One day, his stupidity led him to accidentally send one of the messages to me. He claimed it was only "messaging" but the truth came out. He'd messaged someone else saying I was a prude, etc and she'd come over and show him "the wildest time of his life."
SO GLAD I got away from that serial cheater.
I suggest you get rid of yours too. You deserve better!
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (30 November 2013):
 When two people make a split.... then there is no "cheating" if/when they seek intimacy with whoever else, during that time. You described your's... and then.. when you learn that he did something similar... you claim that YOU were wronged, in some way.... Not so!!!!
Your choice is clear.... do you want to keep both of your goings-on "on the table"... and available for retributions? Or, do you (and he) want to put that "broken up" time behind yourselves, and get on with your life (together). THAT is the real "question."
Good luck....
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A
male
reader, M Proops  +, writes (30 November 2013):
You should not have told him you slept with someone whilst split.It's a fact that women are much more likely to forgive their partner if they cheat but sadly it's not the other way around.If a woman cheats on her partner then it really is a big thing for a man because he believes strong emotions are involved.Most men will not forgive or forget their partner's infidelity even though you were split up at the time.He will probably bring it up in future arguments and try to use it against you.He might be the forgiving type but he's already set on revenge.I think there's no future for this relationship......Sorry.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (30 November 2013):
 I would write off the last five years not because he can't be forgiven, but also because things are not meant to be forgotten and sometimes people never get over misdeeds. I had done on and off relationships before. When I slept with someone else my intention was to screw up the relationship so there is no way back. There was a desire to go back to the familiar, it's only natural but that didn't last long. I knew very consciously that I sealed the fate by sleeping with someone else. No amount of intense emotion, attachment can convince either partner that the relationship would bode well for the future. The ones who get married suffer silently when they know that after marriage they are not supposed to complain or bring the past up. The ones who manage to forgive and forget because they choose to, and want to. When people try hard to forgive but can't, that's not because they want to hold on to grudges and torture themselves, but because they never wanted to. Instead they went ahead with the marriage and punish their spouse. It's more hurtful when your partner feels like the whole marriage is good but secretly you are plotting one day to tell that person, no, it's a lie, I only married you to hurt you later. It's stupid because it hurts that person just as much but that's what a lot of people do. They don't want other people to have their partner, so they chain themselves and live in resentment.
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