A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My girlfriend often tells me how her male fried walks around the house purely in his underwear. I know this sounds petty but I can't help but let it bother me. I even went as far as to ask what kind of underwear...they're the tight boxer brief kind...The fact is, he's gay so she thinks this makes it ok and silly for me to worry. But we're in a long-distance relationship so not only have I not met this guy, she hangs around him all the time spending the night etc. (in separate beds.....I hope - although she has told me he they got drunk and he woke up naked in her bed which he found hilarious but she kicked him out).My thought process is that, he is gay but she is not. I don't understand the reasoning behind using it as an excuse, she is still likely to find a man sexually attractive even if he is gay. And, if i'm not mistaken, people do turn)I tried swapping the situation around and asking if I spent lots of time alone with a lesbian in her underwear etc....but she said it was different..!? and that she wouldn't be that concerned anyway.I have even seen her around other gay guys (a mutual friend we worked with before this became long-distance) and one guy consistently flirted with her saying things like "if only you were a guy i'd..." and even making her sit on his lap saying "you're sitting on my....can you feel it?!". All very puerile immature stuff but she just found it hilarious saying "he's gay so it doesn't matter". It may well be a self-confidence thing on my part and the fact i'm not there but I'm not comfortable with her spending time alone with a guy in his underwear. She said what can she do about it if he gets semi-naked and walks around? and I told her that when we weren't together it's up to her what she sees but now we're together maybe she could ask him to put some trousers/pants on as she is seeing someone and it's inappropriate. She said that would be embarrassing and too impractical.Am I being immature about it? I'm trying not to bring it up any more (once or twice is enough before it would become tiring for her) but any thoughts would be greatly appreciated.I'm aware that i've got low self-esteem and there are other similar things that bother me but if they are completely out of either of our control then I tell myself just that and don't bother her with them. But when it's such a personal issue.Anyway, thank you in advance for any advice!
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 December 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionSorry So_Very_Confused, the showering part was in relation to an answer from an anonymous poster below. The poster stated that she showers among other things with her gay friends and I was stating that I definitely think that that was beyond pushing boundaries. Hopefully I can still trust her! Thanks for the reply again!
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (3 December 2013):
 did i MISS the part about her showering with him?
Listen to me here and now:
my brother is gay
my aunt is gay
I was a swinger and I'm very sexually open
I was in an LDR with my husband for a year before we moved in together (and i met him while married to another man but that's a long story)
IF she goes to his place all the time
IF she lets him get naked at his place while she's there
IF she showers with him... (sorry I missed that)
THEN she's screwing him too...
I have never showered with someone I was not sleeping with unless I was breastfeeding them.... (i.e. my small children before they were body aware)
your follow up leads me to suspect that she's either clueless or she's lying.
either is not attractive.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 December 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI'm certain there is a lot of paranoia around it. It is very difficult being in a long distance relationship. When I say long, I mean I'm in the UK and she's in America and we've got 3 months apart from each other so it's difficult to think positively sometimes (a bad trait of mine I suppose).As for I'm_very_confused's question, it is her that often goes round to his so I guess you could argue, his house, his rules and if she didn't like it she shouldn't go there.And I get that many girls have guy mates but to me that is certainly no excuse for them to see each other naked. Even out of a relationship I find that very strange! I agree men and women can and should be good friends but that's no reason to shower together. I'm not comfortable with her seeing naked men in general, maybe it's a low self-esteem comparison thing. I have plenty of female friends that I am not interested in at all but I would politely sleep elsewhere if there were a bed to share and I certainly wouldn't be sharing showers with them!! (especially while i'm in a relationship). I'd never shower with my male friends even, where is the need unless you are sexually attracted? (unless at the gym etc.) You could retort that because we are both heterosexual then it is less acceptable but as I say there is NO way my female friends and I are interested in each other and most of us are in relationships anyway.Thank you for all your comments though. I will try to change the way I think about these things as I obviously have intrinsically different views to some and I trust her so I will have to let some insecurities slide. I don't feel however that I am fully wrong in my thoughts (everyone is different) and personally I just don't want my girlfriend seeing or being in a sexual environment, visual or physical, that isn't mine. I don't *think* that sounds selfish, to me that is what a relationship is about. We all have friends and we all have relationships but I want to be able to give and get both from my partner without having to share it flit elsewhere. I've no qualms with her staying friends with anyone, I just think things have to change when in a relationship.Many thanks again all!
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (2 December 2013):
Wait.. he's a FRIEND so he is NOT a roommate?
he does not live in her home with her?
Does anyone else have friends that show up and take their clothes off to walk around in their underwear?
I mean I've gotten naked in front of friends...
And NO GAY men don't "turn" bisexual men or men trying to figure out if they are gay or not may sleep with women but that is not the same as a "gay man turning" that's the stuff of hollywood fantasy or the "christian right"
bleh...
the part about him being with her is not the issue.. the concern to me is why is he coming over to her place and regularly taking off his clothes... that makes no sense to me.
what's her rationale for letting him take his clothes off all the time in her home?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 December 2013): The reason I DON'T believe there is ANYTHING to worry about is that she is pretty open and shares everything with you.
Everyone does, and should, have opposite sex friendships. I would be really upset if a male friend's girlfriend tried to put a stop to our friendship. Your friends are your friends.
What would be alarming is if she were sneaking around on you. She's pretty much ''spilled her guts'' and she's not holding anything back. It seems that you have a healthy relationship.
i think the long distance factor has made you paranoid. I don't mean this in a mean way! I mean this in the nicest way. It's easy to feel insecure because of the distance. But if she has not done anything to lose her trust... and you love her... then trust her.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 December 2013): Why is a gay man not a ''real'' man? He has XY chromosomes, doesn't he? I have loads of gay friends and I have slept with them (I'm a girl), seen one of them naked (we went swimming... not real smart considering we had just smoked weed but still) and all kinds of stuff. There wasn't anything sexual, I wasn't attracted to them and they obviously weren't turned on by me. He is very much a real man but there isn't anything sexual about it because he doesn't have the potential to be turned on by her. I have always had more guy friends, so if I had a boyfriend who wanted to hang out with his female friends, I would understand. They're only FRIENDS! If another girl tried to STEAL, I would kick her ass. But a guy and a girl can totally be JUST friends.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 December 2013): The situation is difficult, because you're in a LDR with her, and you have never met the guy.It completely depends on how they act together.My best friend of 4 years is gay. We sleep together, are always holding hands and have even showered together.This does not bother my boyfriend at all, because he knows that this is purely friendship.What I'm saying is, you will be able to tell.They may just really love spending time together :)
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female
reader, Intrigued3000  +, writes (1 December 2013):
 To answer your question, if the tables were turned, I personally would not have an issue with my bf hanging out with a lesbian friend. I've had bfs in the past who used to hang out with their straight female friends, and I did not have an issue. I guess it's all a matter of what you are comfortable with and how much you trust the person. Long Distance relationships are very hard and a lot of trust is required. If you can't handle that, then maybe it's not for you.
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 December 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for the answers all. I've got some thinking to do...I can't help but be uncomfortable which I suppose is an issue in itself whether the situation is right or wrong.
Intrigued3000, I am curious if you think it would be ok if the tables were turned and I had a lesbian friend to enjoy sexy female energy whilst she is away. and maybe go to nude beaches etc? I am very loyal so would never even consider cheating so in your eyes would that be acceptable? (I am hoping this isn't coming across accusatory as in no means do I intend it to - genuinely curious even though this is something I would not do myself!)
I can't help but feel that if she needs testosterone fueled vibes and flirty male attention that isn't mine then we obviously aren't in the sort of relationship I desire. I know everyone is different but I like the idea that 2 people are solely compatible in mind and soul and even being in the presence of potential sexual vibes and visuals would personally make me uncomfortable. The level of uncomfortableness I would feel in a semi-naked woman's presence would definitely make me walk away whilst I'm in a relationship. (In fact, strippers came to a friends Stag-do and I left.) I want to be able to provide everything for her otherwise I don't feel I'm doing the job I want to do as her boyfriend. Maybe i'm expecting too much!?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 November 2013): I had an ex who was constantly walking around his house in his tighey-whitey underwear and when I asked where his pants were (in an attempt to give him the hint that he needed to put clothes on. He missed it, of course, so I had to practically yell, "Put some DAMN clothes on!" He told me it was his house and he could do what I want. So I said "OK" and I left. He still tried to go after me and pretend we were still a couple (basically to keep having sex with me without a relationship or respect to me. I had to write him a letter stating that it wasn't working out. Ug. I have nothing against nudity but I was uncomfortable when he did it because he always had a raging hard on and I wasn't on that.
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A
male
reader, M Proops +, writes (30 November 2013):
If he's truly gay it might be ok,but what if he's bi-sexual?I think you're right to be concerned,there are certain lines that should not be crossed.
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A
female
reader, Intrigued3000 +, writes (30 November 2013):
I'm very much like your girlfriend. I'm very friendly, flirtatious and I do have gay male friends that I'm very comfortable around...even went to a couple nude beaches with them. There is absolutely no threat of crossing over to the other side. It's a great way to feel safe with a guy, flirt, enjoy the testosterone, and not worry about him taking it the wrong way and expect sex. You are not there to give her all that sexy male energy, so in a way, she is seeking it safely with her gay friend. I bet if he tries to make a move on her, she will be shocked, because being flirtatious does not automatically mean that she wants to be sexual.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg +, writes (30 November 2013):
 I think you should be concerned. I do find a lot of gay guys attractive and a lot of them have bisexual tendencies. Even if they don't they are still flattered by the girls' attention. You see this gay guy as a threat because gay guys have what you don't have. Maybe it's a sense of adventure in the alternate lifestyle, maybe it's sensuality and the ability to express and emote better. The ideal boyfriend is a real man and a gay man combined. She is attempting to get the best of both worlds. She can't use his gayness to cover up the flirtation between them. If you have a lesbian friend and she walks in your room with lingerie it is just as disrespectful to your girlfriend. You are not immature about it. She needs to stick to common sense and have more boundaries.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (30 November 2013): Wow that is a tough situation! I know a fair few gay men and they do seem to flirt more with women than they do with men which is odd to me. Also I often wonder where the line is drawn. Don't worry I'm gay I can see you naked and it doesn't matter, Don't worry I'm gay so we can kiss and it's just a laugh (which happens quite a lot I might add from what I have seen)
I even know of gay men who have slept with a female friend just to see if they like it and it is just a friend doing a friend a favor (not that I think your girlfriend would do this) Is there not a way you can meet this guy to try and see what vibes you get off a first impression I am not sure I would do in this situation but I too would be very unsure what to think, good luck :)
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