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female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes: I am planning on going overseas in a month in order to continue my chosen career as there are no opportunities in my country at the moment. I am also going because I want to explore the world and travel. My bf is aware of my future plans but not aware that it will be so soon. I don’t know how to tell him I will be leaving. We have been together for 6 years now and we are like best friends and we love each other very much. The only problem is that he is not as ambitious as I am and isn’t earning enough money that would enable us to build a future together. I’m not sure if he is even thinking about or planning a future together. He has been talking about studying further, and claims that he will start as soon as he has enough money saved…but he’s been saying that for the past 4 years and I’m not sure he ever will study further or if we will ever progress from being just boyfriend and girlfriend. In the meantime we are watching all our friends marry off and start families. He will be 30 soon and is quite comfortable still living with his parents. We don’t have enough money to move out from our respective parent’s homes and this is causing problems between us because we have no privacy. I have wanted to go overseas for a long time now but he has no interest in going. Unlike me he is satisfied with the status quo and I am under the impression that he will ride it out as long as possible. I really do love him and he is really kind and loving. I feel terrible for even thinking of leaving and I feel like I will be losing my best friend. But should I forget my hopes and dreams for a man who might never get his act together?
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ambition, best friend, money Reply to this Question
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male
reader, Serpico  +, writes (24 July 2012):
Six years? He is who he is, and will not change in any significant way until the day he dies.
Make your decisions accordingly.
A
male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (24 July 2012):
 If things have come to the point where you ask this question (justifiedly or not), then you should leave him.
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A
female
reader, Daisy_Daisy  +, writes (23 July 2012):
 Of course you shouldn't give up your hopes and dreams, but what sort of a relationship is this that you haven't told him you're going in four weeks? Six years is a long time, and no matter how unambitious he is, he deserves to know what is about to happen.
Don't disguise this terrible communication between the two of you in your "hopes and dreams" being dashed. It's really not fair. I can imagine that it's hard to tell him, but you have to. As it is, you're not even giving him the option of planning to come with you, which makes it sound very much as if you don't want him to come. That's fine, you're not tied to him forever, but be honest about it with him.
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A
female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (23 July 2012):
 Never give up on your dreams and your hopes. If you want to travel, do it. Life is too short for any regrets. However that being said, its also not right to keep your boyfriend in the dark about your plans. 6 years is a long time to be together and that apart, you are best friends too, apart from just being boyfriend and girlfriend.
Actually you should have spoken to him about this from the day you started planning all this out. Deciding to go overseas is not an overnight process, it needs months of planning and preparation. Its great that you want to follow your chosen career but don't keep your B/f in the dark about this. He deserves to know because he hasn't wronged you in any way. He is just a different person who doesn't match up to your level of ambition but in no way does that mean that you dump him like a hot potato and run off to another country leaving him high and dry!
Please tell him what your plans are. You obviously intend breaking up with him so do it now. Don't live a lie any longer. You will hurt him anyway so you might as well get it over with right now and much as you want to, you cant have everything. He might be a great friend but he's obviously not a great boyfriend and to be honest if you cared about him as a friend then you wouldn't have misled him for this long.
Break up as cleanly as possible, move on with your life and let him move on with his. Do not keep contacting him. What's done is done, now come clean and tell him that you intend moving abroad in a month's time.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (23 July 2012):
 You need to ask yourself a few questions here. What is it YOU want? Don't think about loving him, or what he wants, or what everyone else in the world does. Seeing your friends get married might make you want to get married, but is that really what YOU want right now? Is marriage what you need and want? Is money what you need and want? What do you want, what are your goals?
You say you want to travel. Then do so. If you can include your boyfriend in your travelling then great, but if not... let him go. If your plan is to travel abroad, and he can't be a part of that plan, then he isn't a part of your plan, end of story. You can't change your plans, hopes and dreams for a man who you aren't even sure is what you want.
But if he can be a part of your plans, a part of your long time goals, and a person who makes your life richer, and makes the world a better place for you to be in: keep him around as long as you can. But if he is someone who holds you back from what you want in life: let him go.
Think about what you want, and how you can get to where you want to be in life. Then think about whether or not your boyfriend can be a part of these plans, or if he is holding you back.
Breaking up isn't a punishment that you only give people who have been cruel to you. Breaking up is what you do when your plans for life don't match or can't be combined. Breaking up is what two people do when they no longer can fulfill each other or be a part of each others lives. People change... it's not a given that as long as you are nice and treat each other well that you will always be good for each other. He may be a lovely boyfriend, but he may be a lovely boyfriend for someone else as well. And there might be more lovely boyfriends out there waiting for you to find them.
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A
female
reader, BondGirl72 +, writes (23 July 2012):
 You shouldn't forget your hopes and dreams, but if you care about this man at all, you will tell him and tell him soon. I can't imagine living with someone for 6 years and then just have her spring it on me that she is moving overseas. If you care about him, you can't wait until the last minute. He deserves to know what your plans are.
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (23 July 2012):
 Short answer: No.
If he is aware of your plans for your career and future, he may simply be closing his eyes to it happening. You need to tell him, and soon, how close and imminent your departure is.
It may jolt him out of his current comfort zone and make him realise its time to stop coasting along, that plans and dreams need to be made and followed.
It may even get him back to studying. There is no need for you to tell him how you feel about his lack of earning credentials, or lack of motivation. I think he will realise those for himself once you have actually gone.
I think you are doing the right thing, travelling and mixing with local people overseas is such a rewarding experience, I wish you well!
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A
male
reader, DeadEyeDick +, writes (23 July 2012):
 Absolutely not, do not give up anything for him, tell him what your doing, when he sees your serious, I think you will see a very dramatic change in his attitude, one way or the other, im sure he believes all is well and your not going anywhere, let him know your serious, and that you are bouncing, see what he says, might have to be a LDR for awhile from the sounds of things, but drop it on him, and see what happens, then get back to us.
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