A
female
age
41-50,
*hiara
writes:I met this guy in 2004. He already had a girlfriend but said that he really did not want to be with her. I never expected anything to come from this relationship and when I was ready to stop communicating with him he kept calling and harrasing. Dumb me I told myself that maybe he did really want to break up with his girlfriend and be with me, why else would he be so persistent with trying to keep me in his life. The same year I got pregnant with my first child. He still did not leave his girlfriend. He did not help support but still begged to come around because we had a child together. In 2006 him and his girlfriend broke up and he moved in with me. I then became pregnant with my second child. The relationship did not work out. He cheated on me with any girl that had a pulse. He ended up moving out. I do not want to have anything to do with him. He broke my heart into pieces but every time I ignore him he says he wants to see the kids. I don't want him to see my kids. He does not take care of them at all. I guess my question is, is it right for me to cut him off from my kids completely or should I let him see my kids even though he does nothing to help support them and he broke my heart?
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female
reader, chiara +, writes (14 April 2008):
chiara is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI appreciate the responses I received from all parties but there are some things I would like to address. It was mentioned that I was no better then my children's father. That is not true. I am better than him because I take care of my children and he does not. I am bitter I will admit that but why can't I be. He got me pregnant and left me to raise my kids on my own. He has a job but states he can't afford to take care of the kids and pay rent. This guy continuously slaps me in the face (metaphorically speaking)when I ask him for financial help. Just because you play with your kids does not make you a parent--if that were the case their would not be a such thing as foster care. If why were to not support my kids and leave them that is exactly where they would be---foster care, and if I did not do services my rights would be terminated. Why should I hold is hand? No one is holding mine. You guys are right I do know the best thing to do and that is to stop all communication. Again thanks for your comments.
A
female
reader, Aunt Audrey  +, writes (11 April 2008):
 Hi,
I can understand you wanting nothing to do with your ex, he's betrayed you and hurt you. You obviously have no trust in him and if you're struggling to raise the children alone financially, things must be difficult for you.
Being a bad husband or partner doesn't always mean that a man is a bad father, and so where your children are concerned you have to swallow whatever bitterness you may feel towards thier father and allow the children to have a relationship with him. Go slowly with it and try and arrange for him to see the children without you being present, involve a family member if you have to, to supervise visitations. If he turns up when he says he will and doesn't let the children down and has a happy, healthy relationship with them, then that can only be a beneficial thing for the children in the long term and you cannot be blamed down the line for keeping them away from him. I think children have a right to have contact with thier father if he is responsible and takes his role as thier father seriously. Do not make the mistake of using the children as a weapon to score points, they are the innocent victims of your relationship breakdown.
You do need to sort out some financial arrangements with regard to the children, he must be made to realise that he has a responcibility to provide for the children. Does he work, can he afford to support them? If he can then of course he should.
Your children are still young and only time will tell whether he is a good father, better to keep your opinion of him to yourself where the children are concerned it will not be long before they will judge for themselves.
Of course if he continually lets them down or behaves in a way that is not appropriate around them you can deal with that when the time comes, give him a chance to be a dad as hard as it will be for you, let him know that you are giving him this chance and if he blows it he only has himself to blame.
In time you may find the bitterness and anger you feel towards him now will fade as your life moves on and you may be able to have a civil relationship with him where by you can co parent without animosity.
Good luck.
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A
male
reader, eddie  +, writes (11 April 2008):
 Question...if I walked up to an 90 year old woman and punched her in the nose and stole her money, would you feel good if I decide to take you out for dinner with the old ladies money? If not, why would you feel good about having sex with another woman
s boyfriend?You need to back up. You're no better than he is. He had a girlfriend when you met.....HELLO. That wasn't very nice of you, was it? He kept harassing you? That is really twisting words around. People who are harassed run in the opposite direction....did you? In the end, you got exactly what you should have expected. By the way, if he is the father, they are not YOUR kids, they are the children of both of you. Why do you assume you should have the right to decide if they see their father. Having said that, he SHOULD be supporting his kids...period. There have been a series of mistakes in this relationship and you should learn whyat attracted you to this risky behaviour. You are equally responsible for creating this opportunity to happen. What made you give in to him?
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A
female
reader, MissKin +, writes (11 April 2008):
 I think in this respect you need to address things from an outward perspective. If you can look away from what he's done to you. how will it affect your children to not have their father? will it be better for them? or worse? Is it fair to take him away from them if they're going to miss him and he's not done anything bad to them?
Do they love him? You say he doesn't take care of them at all... so he's a bad father? is he a good father? Could he be a better father if you two weren't emotionally involved?
If you think, as a mother, it will be best to cut off contact with him and he's only making you emotionally unstable when you've got to look after your children, then go ahead. You are the one who has to live with your decision and the feelings of your children when they are older. no one can make this decision for you. But as a caring mother, i'm sure you will make the decision you feel is right.
good luck. do what's best for you and your children. if he isn't a father now, does he really deserve the right to be one? the love he has for you, reflects the love he has for his children right now. thats the way i look at it.
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