A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:When i was 6 years old my biological father was put in prison for sexually abusing my older half brother and half sister. After this my mum took out an injunction preventing him from coming anywhere near me until i was 18 years old. After this he made numerous attempts to contact me and my mum blocked it at every opportunity. I have never been able to talk to any of my family members about what happened as when i do they don't want to talk about it understandably. I have spent a lot of my growing up wondering "what if" and "why" and had eventually given in to my mums way of thinking that i should and would never see or speak to him again. The only thing is, today i got a phone call. It was my biological father who had finally managed to track me down after 23 years of not seeing him. He sounded so relieved and overjoyed that he had found the right person. I didnt know what to make of it or what to say to him! He knew i was overwhelmed and so gave me his address and phone number to leave it up to me if i wish to contact him and to decide where we go from here. The only thing is i just don't know what to do. On one hand i would love to find out more about my history on my fathers side and to find out who he is and why he did what he did and all those other questions that i've always wanted to ask. On the other hand though, if i did contact him, if my mum or siblings found out i had, i think they would all react very badly as they feel they have protected me from him for all these years. I know he had never abused me in any way but it still remains that he abused my then teenage half brother and half sister. I have no-one i can talk to or confide in about this and i really need others opinions to help me decide what i should do.
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female
reader, svf  +, writes (18 March 2011):
 You poor, poor darling. Your siblings and you have been treated awfully by father figures, if only your mother had been able to step in sooner before all of the abuse started from your own dad and your next 2 step fathers.Do what you feel is best, but keep communicating with your sister, brother and mother if you want to go ahead with contact, as it is respect to them. But you do deserve to have your curiosity laid to rest.I agree with keeping contact to a minimum however, and I think the suggestion of phone contact at first is a very good idea. After that, if you want to meet, have a supervisor or very mature close friend go with you, as you will find it emotionally draining after all these years. But also remember that your sister and brother will be dealing with their own emotional issues as they were sexually abused by this man, so probably best just to mention that you were seeing your dad, but don't go singing his praises in their ears, I don't think that would go down to well. xx
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (18 March 2011): DO NOT CONTACT YOUR FATHER OR MEET WITH HIM OUTSIDE OF THE DIRECT INVOLVEMENT OF A COUNSELOR/PROFESSIONAL WHO IS PRESENT FOR THESE MEETINGS."as i have had too many abusive ones over the years as my mum remarried twice and both her husbands physically and emotionally abused me"This makes you a setup for further emotional and physical exploitation. Some people who do this will molest even grown women daughters, their children, etc. You have to really have strong support and always be cautious and on your guard. My best friend learned this the hard way.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 March 2011): Just spoke to my sister about it as very close to her and she was more than willing to chat. To cut a long story short though she says she couldnt really go into details of what happened and she wants me to contact my bio father and let him tell me himself. She says after all this time he may have changed and i should find out for myself. She also said if she was in my situation she would get back to him and see where it went.
This has left me completely confused as i never expected her to say anything like that. Now i'm even more unsure of what to do....
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 March 2011): I feel very sorry for you. Its a dilemma but no one can tell you that you can or cant have contact with your own father. Its your decision to make. If its purely to find out about his side of the family then you can research that online. You dont really need to have a lot of contact with him for that.
I can understand you wanting to know why he did what he did. In the sense that it has affected you. Not only did he damage your siblings but his actions also affected you. There will be ongoing hurt. But there are things which need to be measured in a mature manner.
You are an adult and as such you have managed to live without him in your life for many years. There is no real love there because you havent grown with him over the years and built the same bonds that you have with your mum and siblings. Those bonds could be badly affected, even broken if you do pursue your father and build a relationship. So you have to ask yourself if contact with him is worth the risk to your other relationships because im pretty sure you will be opening Pandora's Box.
If you had children and you welcomed a man into your life. How would you feel if he sexually abused your children? Would you ever want contact with him again? Because im sure your mother doesnt want him anywhere near her or her children ever again. And you have to understand and respect how she feels, even if you dont agree. If you were sexually abused as a child. Would you trust or want any more contact with your abuser? Because your siblings wont want him anywhere near them or the rest of the family. You must try to understand that too.
By seeking to befriend him now. Your family might well feel you are 'taking sides'. Its a loyalty thing. So it might be best to explain to them your very real need to speak to him, reassure them and ask for their understanding. They might/might not understand but its best to ask first. If this all seems unfair to you thats because it is. But its not the fault of your family. Its the fault of your father for sexually abusing the children/abusing your mothers trust so horrifically.
Sexual abuse is hideous and far reaching. Your siblings will never be as they would have been if he hadnt abused them. He robbed them of their innocence for his sexual pleasure. He may have changed now but who knows. If he has or hasnt, you will have no way of knowing. He will say he is a changed man whether he is or not. So exercise caution and never leave him alone with any children in your care. Paedophiles are very devious and convincing liars. Never be tempted to trust him with children. Yours or anyone elses. EVER! You have a duty to them above all else.
Also, if you have visits from him in the future. Your family will need to know about your contact with him. So then they can be sure never to visit when he might be around. Or leave any children they may have in your care when he is about.
I hope you find a workable solution.
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A
female
reader, Nime  +, writes (18 March 2011):
 Do you fully understand that this man sexually abused two underage human beings in his care? Two human beings who relied on him for welfare and guidance? Put yourself in your half-siblings' shoes. You walk home from school with the dead weight of dread on your shoulders, wondering if dad is gonna be in one of his moods again. Your bedroom is your sanctuary, but your own dad is pushing open your door, taking physical control of your body against your will and touching you lustfully, hurting you, taking advantage of arousal responses that you can't control but will probably make you feel guilty and dirty for the rest of your life. But you have nowhere else to go, it's a prison.
I know you think you can discover something about yourself if you meet your bio dad. Maybe you can, who knows. Maybe he's a 'nice' guy now. Does it matter? If you care at all for your half siblings and mother, stay away from this man. He's caused a lot of people a lot of hurt, and these people did their best to protect you from him. You could have been one of the many, many unlucky children who wind up with an abusive father and a mother who ISN'T strong enough to get her children away from him. It could have been you being molested. Don't look a gift horse in the mouth...
Your father's only contribution to you is a sperm, otherwise he's just a sick broken man who did sick things to children. If he really ever loved you he wouldn't have messed up so bad after you were born, right? You were 5-6 and he was still doing this sh*t! I wouldn't give him the time of day, but if this is really itching at you, I think you should ask your mother firmly to tell you exactly what your father did to your siblings. Let her know you are an adult and this is important to you, and you need to know this information so you can make a decision yourself whether your father is worth getting to know.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 March 2011): Thanks for the replies so far. I have no emotional attachment to this man as i have always hated him for how badly he tore apart my family. Although saying this, a lot of time has gone by and hearing him on the end of the phone he sounded like maybe he has been punished enough. I am a very forgiving person in general but what he did to my siblings can't ever be forgiven or forgotten. However i wonder if i can move forward after all these years and get my questions answered that ive had since i was young and also health questions that i have not been able to answer as they haven't come from my mums side.
I know chances are some of my questions wil remain unanswered, but maybe if i can get a few answers i can move on with my life whether he becomes part of it or not. I am not looking for a father as i have had too many abusive ones over the years as my mum remarried twice and both her husbands physically and emotionally abused me (although not sexually).
I just don't know if i am ready to take a chance with settling my mind and being able to move on from the past while at the same time if i did it could tear apart my closest family if they found out.
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A
female
reader, cupidus  +, writes (18 March 2011):
 This is tricky.
Outside of what anyone else thinks, You'll have to answer it for yourself.
On one hand he's your bio dad and you may feel an inner guilt for carrying on his genes. Maybe you want to prove you are not like him. Maybe you're just really curious, understandable.
Ask yourself this. "If I'm going to die and not have met my bio dad will my soul regret it?"
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A
male
reader, The Realist +, writes (18 March 2011):
 It's hard to say because on one hand he is your father and may want to be there in some way for you. He may have changed and truely regrets the past. If I was in your situation I would want to talk to him but it should be taken slow. Stick to the phone for a while and then if it seems ok meet in public, like for coffee or something just to be safe.
I am really torn on this one because I feel like what he did was terrible but then I also feel that at some point everyone needs some forgiveness. Think about that for a while.
Also I don't want you to go to him expecting to have a dad because if he isn't the person you want him to be you have to be able to leave him behind the second things go bad. The unknown of him is what would get to me but you don't want to risk yourself over this. Hopefully this gives you a bit more to think about.
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A
male
reader, Capri2  +, writes (18 March 2011):
What do you reckon you will get from him? I know he's your father but, c'mon he abused your brothers. Are you going to contact him so he feels he won something? After what he did?
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