A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:im suffering with depression and im on the maximum dose of anti depressants i can have. my fiance has broken off our relationship after 5 years cos he doesn't love me anymore. i dont know where to go from here. im on auto pilot at the minute.i work and i have children to look after. one of them is my ex fiance's so i cant stop total contact with him. i miss and love him so much. he is so kind to me and hugs and kisses me if im upset but this is just hurting me even more. i dont know how to move on from this please advise me. ive asked him to give us another chance but he said he's made the right decision. its not the right decision for me.
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female
reader, Dorothy Dix  +, writes (25 March 2011):
Hello again. I don't think you stated this, but did your depression first start out as post natal depression?If so, your youngest child is now 3 years old - is that right?I'm glad you are being closely monitored and counselled, as that should help. However, it could also be a lengthy process.If you haven't been told to do so, going for regular walks will also boost your mood, as well as help you sleep better.As you both initially agreed to have a break, I really think that is a good idea.The reason I say this, is while you are apart from each other, it will distance you from the whole situation and will thereby give you both some breathing space to look at it all from a distance.It's often difficult to see what's really happening when you are in the thick of things. It's almost impossible to look at things objectively as you're just too close to it.However during this break you are having, this is the perfect opportunity for both of you to look at it a whole lot more closely with a fine tooth comb and from all angles. Over the weeks and months, you will see things in the relationship that you like and things that you don't like. He will see these same things as well - from his perspective.Things in life always happen for a reason, and like everything else, this has happened for a reason also. It's probably hard to see it now, but over the coming weeks you will start to see things differently and you might see more then than you do now. It will all become a lot more clear to you.The reason you feel upset is because in your mind, you are probably feeling like a failure because he said he wanted the break. Don't think like that, because it simply isn't true. It's a moment in time and that's all.A break from the relationship doesn't mean a break forever. A break only means a break. Although you may not have set a particular time for the break, that doesn't mean it will be permanent. Just keep an open mind about it and you will feel more positive generally.Just let him be the one to make first contact. Don't you try to call or text him.It might be several weeks or a few months, but just see how it goes.Quite often in life room has to be made for the good things to come into it. This often means the end of something else - a job, a relationship. In any case, some kind of change has to happen to allow the new things to come in.It's often a case of something exits your life, and very soon after, something much better comes in. And it's a wonderful surprise!Everthing happens for the best and highest good of all concerned.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 March 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthankyou so very much for taking the time to advise me. i am seeing a counsellor and being closley monitored by my gp. she would like to change my meds but does not feel i am ready for this yet. we talked about having a child and decided the time was right for us both. he is a brilliant daddy and our daughter loves him so much. it just makes it harder cos we have to have contact. we have agreed to have minimal contact and have agreed set days when he will have his daughter. i have told him i do not want any other contact with him. im sure this is the right thing to do but it feels wrong and final.i do feel my depression is a big part of our problem but knowing this makes me feel worse. we did not have a fight prior to break up. we agreed to have a break. i decided i wanted to stay together and he decided he didnt. it was my decision to have the break and i will never forgive myself for that.im back at work and back at the gym. im just trying to take it one day at a time. my 3 children are keeping me going and im hoping soon this pain and heartache will go away. at the moment i just keep imagining him doing all the things we did and had planned together with someone else and it breaks my heart.
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A
female
reader, Dorothy Dix +, writes (22 March 2011):
Hello again. You need to take some of the focus off him and try not to blame yourself for him not loving you.
The fact that he says that he no longer loves you, isn't really about you at all.
Unless you and him had a big fight before the breakup and it was the cause, I'd say that his excuse of not loving you anymore, is just that - an excuse.
What you are feeling now is grief, and the only way to get over that is going through it. Let yourself feel your feelings when they occur, try not to bottle them up.
While 8 years is not a big gap, it's possible that he wasn't ready to become a parent.
Also, living with a person with depression can be very challenging, especially as there is a tendency for the depressed person to think negatively and with a sense of doom and gloom a lot of the time. Always seeing the worst in things and feeling unable to ever feel positive about anything.
Also, perhaps your depression caused you to simply never be happy and almost always being down in the dumps.
This sort of environment can begin to make the partner of the depressed person to start feeling gloomy a well. Over a period of time it could become overwhelming.
Perhaps your ex started to feel like this.
Being on anti-depressants can be helpful in the short term, but it shouldn't be seen as a permanent solution and most certainly, does need to be closely monitored on a regular basis, just to make sure that it's all going ok.
The best person to monitor this situation, is a psychiatrist. If you aren't being monitored closely or at all, well then you should be. It's really important. You might even need your medication changed altogether.
Please have it looked into. With the right mix of medication, it could certainly change your whole outlook on life generally. It will certainly help you to cope better anyway.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 March 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the question hi a brief update i have been on my anti depressants for 3 years now. i've only been on the maximum dose since we split up 7 weeks ago.he is 8 years younger than i am. i'm 40 this year and feel like my whole world has collapsed again. what do i do wrong?
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A
female
reader, Dorothy Dix +, writes (18 March 2011):
Hello again. Another thing I thought of is, over time with good living and being kind to yourself and exercising regularly and sleeping well, you may eventually find that you won't need the anti-depressants. It's entirely possible.
This of course depends on whether your depression is only caused by the event of the broken relationship, or if you have clinical depression.
With regards to him seeing his child, you and him will have to come to some agreement about how you go about that. Also how often he is allowed to see his child.
In the meantime, don't call or text him at all and just wait for him to make contact with you. No matter how long that is - it could be weeks or even months.
That is your best option.
Then see what happens and go from there.
I guess you can't actually stop him seeing his child, but you just have to work out something you can both agree to.
Good luck and take care.
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A
female
reader, Dorothy Dix +, writes (18 March 2011):
Hi there. It might not be anything you have done at all.
He might be overwhelmed by having children, even though one of them is his.
It does sound like he might be having a mid-life crisis. He is at that age now - mid to late 30's up to 40. This is often about the age when people start to look at their lives and wonder where they are going and what they want to do.
As hard as this is for you I realize, I don't believe this is about you - but about him.
I don't even think there's a third person involved. This seems to be all about him.
Sometimes but not always, when a person reaches mid life, they have been working at the same type of work or job for at least 20 years or so, and suddenly one day, they wake up and wonder if their life has any meaning to them. In fact, quite often they find their lives are lacking in some way.
Life needs to have a sense of purpose and meaning. A reason to get out of bed each morning.
The lacking part, is probably more about lack of balance than anything else. Usually, not about the relationship either. He might be feeling like all his life is, is work.
He might need to start some hobbies and interests.
Unfortunately, there's very little you can do about it at the moment. All you can do, is to give him space.
Anti-depressants can help balance the feel-good hormones in the brain. What they don't do however, is they don't change a person's attitude to life. That comes from within you.
I don't think you said this, but were you on anti-depressants for clinical depression before this breakup, or only since it happened?
In any case, one of the two best ways to deal with depression effectively, is to let your feelings out and feel your emotions -
(1) Cry when you need to cry (and when you have privacy to do so).
(2) Exercise regularly - walking is an excellent form of exercise. It's also very good for helping you to relax and will help you to sleep well at night. Exercise is a very well documented way to effectively deal with depression. Doctors recommend it. Exercise generally, will definitely help to lift your mood.
As well as these above two, treat yourself well and eat nutritious meals, drink plenty of water, and try to get at least 8 solid hours of good quality sleep every night.
If you do these things, you will keep in good health and will feel much better anyway.
Another important factor, is to not isolate yourself from people. One of the worst things you could possibly do, is to keep to yourself. It's important to keep in contact with your friends and family. The support of others does help in the healing process.
Everything in life happens for a reason. Perhaps this breakup means that something better is coming along soon.
So take this as a positive thing, even though at this moment it seems impossible, in time the sun will shine on you again. Of that you can be absolutely sure.
Remember - As one door closes, another door opens. There is no exception to this rule.
You are stronger than you think.
Take very good care of yourself. Best wishes.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 March 2011): You are going through a terrible time. When your ex is really nice to you, it somehow makes it more difficult to get over them. There is no magic bullet sadly. Time does help and as you begin to accept what has happened, slowly you will adjust. Just try and get through each day. If possible see him only when you have to, explain that it will help you move on. Try and get out and about, staying home means its more easy to dwell on negative thoughts.
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