A
male
age
36-40,
*tatic_kid
writes:HiI am a 23 year old guy and most probably gay. I am predominately attracted physically to men (like 90 %) with the rest for feelings for women :s I have not come out yet, and live in an indian, religous household where being gay is forbidden!However my problem is that I do not know if whether I should ever come out? In the future, I want to be married with kids to a woman. I cannot see this ever happening with a man. I find that I need men just for sex rather then a relationship. I believe that a true relationship for myself, would only ever work out with a woman.But, I know that during such a marriage with a woman, i would probably not be able to control my lust for men and would ultimately end up having random sex with men (unless i would be honest with my wife about this)Is it ok to feel like this? Should I consider getting married? Should I ever come out? and what's the point of coming out if my desire to be married? Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 September 2010): The answer is no. The details aren't important. The reality is you would be incompatible and it would be unkind to both people for a relationship to be built on that, regardless of whether both parties have knowledge of it upfront.
A
male
reader, xtatic_kid +, writes (15 September 2010):
xtatic_kid is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for all your replies guys! From what I gather, most people here are saying that whatever i choose, I should be honest with my partner..whether it's a man or a woman (but what kind of woman would want to be with a man that's attracted to other men?
Thanks for your reply 'feeltoomuch' ...I feel exactly the same way you used to with just those choices. I'm also from a strict catholic family and being indian just makes it worse cos of all the family pressures that we're put upto!
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A
male
reader, xtatic_kid +, writes (15 September 2010):
xtatic_kid is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for all your replies guys! From what I gather, most people here are saying that whatever i choose, I should be honest with my partner..whether it's a man or a woman (but what kind of woman would want to be with a man that's attracted to other men?
Thanks for your reply 'feeltoomuch' ...I feel exactly the same way you used to with just those choices. I'm also from a strict catholic family and being indian just makes it worse cos of all the family pressures that we're put upto!
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A
male
reader, FeelTooMuch  +, writes (4 September 2010):
I can totally relate to your situation - except I'm not from an Indian family. I'm from a pretty strict christian family that believes everything in the bible in a very literal manner. Being gay is a biiiiiiiiig no no.
When I was 16, I really struggled with my orientation, and because of my religious upbringing, I thought I was a terrible, sick person just for BEING who I was. I was very, very wrong. Anyway, I decided I had three options.
A) I could tell my parents and they freak, they say they disown me, they want me to move out, (all the stuff you fear)
a)i. then I fully embrace the gay lifestyle, forget about my parents who just won't accept me for who I am. OR
a)ii. kill myself - yes, I was suicidal at that time - many gay people think about it when they're in this kind of situation and at that age
OR
b) I could tell my parents, they would accept me, love me, and help me through it.
In the end, it was b. My parents were shocked, wondered what they did wrong, and still don't fully understand, but now we can talk about my orientation anytime (they are still unconfortable about it, but having the air cleared really helped).
Now, to answer your question (poor you, having to read this book!). I used to be like you. I used to think that the only relationship that would work for me would be one with a woman. Now, that was until life brought an amazing man to me last year. When love hits you upside the head, you'll know what kind of relationship will work. If love doesn't spark then staaaaaaaaay awaaaaaaaaaaay!!!!
For me it started really slowly. Neither of us knew the other was gay, we just spent time together - lots of it. We enjoyed each other's company - a really natural thing for two gay guys to enjoy: another man's company! Anyway, now I've got a problem on my hands trying to figure out how to make it all work between us, but in any case, what I'm trying to say is that true love really is possible between two men, although you may feel that you only want another man for sex.
Maybe all I'm trying to say is, been there, done that, and ooooooooh boy is that a hard one!!
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A
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reader, jc2008 +, writes (29 August 2010):
If you feel like this now, just imagine how you will feel in 10 years time with kids and a women your not interested in. You need to be confident in yourself to deal with your situation. I don't envy you with the religious side and you may have a rocky road ahead, but I think you should just accept yourself as you are and then let other members of your family learn to accept you as you are. Honesty is the best policy, don't become the married man who is still struggling to get out of the closet!
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 August 2010): Very tricky question. I aggree with other readers when they say that you should find a woman who would support you. Like you said you have 90% physical attraction to men and the rest are "feelings" towards women. So if you marry a woman who you cant talk to about this and you are sneaking around with men behind her back, then that 10% of feelings towards women could be ruined. Because they wouldnt trust you. I dont think you should get married unless you know for sure. I hope this helped but I think my answer doesnt make much sense. Sorry
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reader, AvgGuy1  +, writes (29 August 2010):
Many churches now days are telling their congregations to accept their gay members and are telling the women to be supportive etc. Some MOMs (Mixed Orientation Marriages; one of the partners is gay/lesbian and the other is straight) work. BUT... for the most part they don't.
Unless you find a woman that you can be TOTALLY OPEN to... telling her everything (cause she deserves to know). I would HIGHLY HIGHLY HIGHLY recommend against it.
Your profile indicates that you're from England. Gays CAN marry there... and if you really want kids... adopt.
Good Luck.
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A
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 August 2010): Should you convince a woman that you love her and want to build a life long relationship with her while you sneak around to find guys to have sex with behind her back? Are you incapable of phrasing the questions where you can see the answer for yourself?
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female
reader, Lotsalove. +, writes (29 August 2010):
 Do you watch Eastenders by any chance? [If you dont] There is an Indian family on there, and the eldest son has a girlfriend.. well fiance but he knows he is gay and has been secretly seeing a guy who lives on the square. He doesn't want to dissapoint/be rejected by his family, so he marries his fiance and tries to forget the guy. A few weeks later, It all comes out and he realises he cant go through with the marriage to a woman and go on to play happily families. He's now with that guy and eventhough his family have disowned him, he is at his happiest.
This sounds just like you. If you are lusting over men then you shouldn't block out the idea of coming out. You said it yourself, If you meet and marry a woman.. You can't promise that you won't be lusting over men and sex with them. So why put yourself through something you don't want, just for the satisfaction/happiness of other people? I understand that Indian families have strong views about homosexuals but if that's what you are, thats what you are. They either have to deal with it or leave you to be what you want to be.
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reader, the_phoenic +, writes (29 August 2010):
you are free in your sexual life aslong as you are not commited in a relation with someone,
and when ever you make your mind about having a wife
i suggest that you see a specialest
as i personaly know many men and heared of many others whom have converted from homo to completely hetrosexuals
Good luck buddy..
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A
male
reader, Cerberus_Raphael  +, writes (29 August 2010):
 You shouldn't have to hide who you are. No creed should ever force someone to hide a part of themselves, no religion should ever force someone to hide a part of them from their own families.
I don't want to offend you by saying all of this, I just believe that God is all accepting as long as you aren't hurting anyone. If you are hindu, which god does not tolerate homosexuality? I've read up on most of them but nothing seems to mention it. If it's because your family is intolerant, it's their loss. They have a bond with you, a blood bond that should surpass religion, they have to accept you for who you are not who they want you to be.
I also think that this is something you should tell your wife about his. Sex is an important part of a relationship. Not AS important as attachment and love but important all the same. You'll have to see what she thinks about it.
I hope that helps.
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 August 2010): No please don't. You will not just be ruining your life but your wife life as well. Don't you think the woman deserves to have a man who really wants her? This is why some people do not like gay men.
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