A
female
age
30-35,
*ottongin
writes:I don't know what to do. My relationship has gone in a downward spiral from the minute it started. We met while I was visiting the East Coast from the West Coast. He moved to the West Coast for a job, and for me. We lived together in a nice little apartment, life was good. He worked, I stayed home and cleaned. We have been in love practically since the day we met. I've never been in real love before, but from the moment I met him, I absolutely KNEW that he was the man I would be spending the rest of my life with. That was something i was never able to say about any of my ex boyfriends. As much as I tried to see them as a possible husband, I knew I just didn't love them, and they weren't the one. I did have one bf who i *almost* loved, but didn't quite, and he could have *almost* been my husband, but I knew that would be pushing it. It's really just flat out TRUE what they say— when you know it, you know it. You really just do. Anyway, back to life being good. It was, and then i got pregnant. We were shocked and confused at first when we found out, but I know he kept in most of how he felt, and to this day I really don't know his true thoughts, but I know he felt strongly that we shouldn't keep it. So we decided not to keep it, for various reasons, which was definitely just the right answer for us. It was actually a huge relief, because we were NOT ready to raise a baby, as proves to be true as this story progresses... After all that, he lost his job. It was the first job he'd ever been laid off of , and after dealing with all that baby stuff, which he felt partly caused him to lose his job for whatever reason, he was really really down and depressed. Who could blame him? This lasted several months. Finally, he got another job after 2 or 3 months, but he still wasn't happy. He also, by the way, has suffered from depression since he was 12 years old (Which was properly diagnosed as Bipolar disorder about halfway through year 1 of almost 2 year relationship to date). Shortly after getting that 2nd job, he got very very sick. He didn't have health insurance since the company was a small little thing. (Have you noticed the downhill pattern yet?) He was so sick and missing days and days of work. After a week and a half of lying in bed, one morning I noticed he wasn't talking coherently at all. Completely unable to speak what he wanted to say. He had obviously had a stroke, at 30 years old. I knew something was NOT right at all, and he had to have been very very sick. I forced him to go to the hospital, insurance or not, and he was this close to dying, with an extremely infected aortic valve. He had bad endocarditis, and probably would have died within days if I didn't take him in when I did. In a way that stroke saved his life. They performed surgery on him, and saved him. All of this was even more depressing to him though. They never treated him for his depression the entire 6 weeks he was in the hospital getting IV antibiotics, But being stuck in a hospital like that definitely is depressing.While he was in the hospital, we moved out of our apartment since we could no longer afford it with him out of work, and probably out of work for a LONG time (proving to be true). So when he was discharged, he agreed to live with me in my parents house, since all his stuff and car etc was still here on the West Coast. My parents house isn't very big, i only had a twin bed in my tiny room, so we put another mattress on the floor. Nothing about that living arrangement was very comfortable, and he was still recovering and was weak, and didn't enjoy being stuck in a tiny room with nowhere to feel comfortable going around the house, since I have siblings (I'm only 20) . That really started to get him suicidal. He was doing awful. So eventually he decided to go back East and stay with his parents. But literally the day before he was supposed to go, I noticed a rash on his back, and made him go to the hospital, because I knew something was up since he wasn't feeling good. When we get to the hospital they were so glad I brought him in, because it turned out his heart was infected AGAIN!!!! But it was around the stitching site from the last surgery, in the valve. And the bacteria was staph this time. So we highly suspected the first surgery/stay in the hospital was the cause of this, but either way they had to fix him. He didn't want to consent to surgery, and he wanted to sign a paper which would take him to hospice to die. That whole thing made him want to die more than ever. Every day I thank god that we did not have our baby because i don't know how I would have handled any of this with a baby. But at the same time I feel like It would have given him more to live for. But who knows. What's done is done.Anyway, After days go by where every hospital in the area refuses to take his case and do surgery because the situation was very complicated, a University hospital an hour away finally agreed to do his surgery. And they did, having to put in a pacemaker this time. After another 6 weeks of antibiotics, and 2 surgeries within 4 months from each other, he decided he would go back and stay with his parents like he wanted to do. Well, about 4 months have passed since he's been there, I've been to visit twice, and he's still extremely depressed, living on disability income which is going to end next month (it'll be a year since the last surgery, when he originally got it), thousands of dollars worth of bills, possibly having to declare bankrupcy for, seeing psychiatrist and trying hundreds of different medications NONE Of which have worked (He was treated during the 2nd stay in the hospital, but none of the medications helped his depression). So we are still in the process of trying to find a psychiatrist he LIKES, and a medication that WORKS. He's tried every main one in the book. The only time he was functional in life and happy was when he was doing heroin. But the type that we have on the west coast, the type he had to switch over to, was the stuff that almost killed him by infecting his heart. But now, we're just at the most awful situation. He's over there. I'm over here. He's miserable. and i feel so helpless. The last time I was over there we did nothing but fight. And I know it's just because his illness. I know what he's like, and I know what the illness is like because I have it too, but I've actually found a medication that helps me. So I also know there's a light at the end of the tunnel, but his tunnel seems to be a LOT longer. And I Know the feeling of being THAT depressed. But after fighting that much, I kept wanting to break up with him, because he made me feel so miserable, and he's not able to give me the life I want anymore, doesn't think he will ever work again (Oh, by the way, he recovered almost 100% from the stroke, so he talks normal, but in his head i think he has a little difficulty actually coming up with the correct words, so he worries that it will affect him if he had a job and that he wouldn't be able to do it). But i don't work. i don't want to ever work other than being a housewife. As far as we were concerned we were pretty much married, back when things were starting/good. But now he's just given up, and I'm starting to as well. I just feel like i've had it. And how can you help someone who doesn't really want it? You can't. I feel like oh, well i'm all the way on the other side of the country, I may as well just end things. But i can't just cut him off, his car is still here, all his stuff, and i'd have to at least talk to his family to get coordinated to get that stuff sent back out there. But at this point we don't even have a plan to move in at least the same state... we've talked about it, but not about work. i have no qualifications, and whatever i could become qualified in would NOT support the both of us like his job could. I am so in love with him, and I know even if i tried my hardest to "break up" and try to date other people, I know i couldn't. I couldn't fall in love with anyone the way I love him. I just wish we could have our life back the way it was, and I wish he would be happy so that we could. Is it selfish of me to want to break up since he can't really give me the life I want? I don't know what to do. Part of me wants to really break up, and the other part of me just CAN'T. As meaningless, sort of, as this relationship is right now, with him over there, barely ever talking to me each week, we kind of AREN'T together. But my heart is still 110% with him. I think about him all day every day, and i try to do what I can do to help. But I think we are all just not sure. (We as in his family and I).Breaking up OFFICIALLY (we've had a lot of empty threats during fights) might make everything worse. Maybe we just need time, to keep trying things, and maybe eventually we'll get life back. I just don't know wether to WAIT, or leave. Everybody In my family pretty much tells me to break up with him, because he's "Damaged" basically, from surgery, and what not. That he's "unhealthy". It's amazing how often people say that stuff to my face. It's very rude. And it's that stuff that makes me want to stay with him even more, because that's not fair at all, to just dump someone because they're sick. I stood by him in that hospital both times, while he was on his death bed, shouldn't I stay with him now? Even though he's terribly depressed every day, sleeping all day, not hardly talking to me, while he's on the other side of the country? Ugh. I don't know what To do. What I want to do. what i Should do. I don't know!!
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female
reader, Candid Cally +, writes (19 September 2012):
You wouldn't be breaking up with him because he is 'dysfunctional' you would ve breaking up with him because he left almost five months ago and you have barely heard from him since then.
What about you, cottongin? Are you clean or are you still using? Drugs complicate relationships.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (19 September 2012): I'm sorry but I think you're better off finishing this .He's what, ten years older than you? A drug addict, with health problems and mental illness. Bankrupt, oh and he lives on the opposite side of the continent!I just can't see there being a future in this relationship. If you can't work and he isn't able to either, how are you going to support each other? What happens next time he falls il, or goes back on heroin, or sinks into depression? I know that at your age it can feel like this is the only man that you're meant to be with, but it's not true. There will be other men in your life and you'll find someone else, let this one go. If it's meant to be, he'll get himself sorted out and you might be able to try again.
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A
female
reader, cottongin +, writes (19 September 2012):
cottongin is verified as being by the original poster of the question Ps guys-- he's been off drugs since the first surgery. He's on suboxone he was on methadone for a while too. Neither of those help with his depression.
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A
female
reader, Sarah2121  +, writes (18 September 2012):
I feel for you, we are in the same age group and i too have a bf who has bi polar, anxiety and ADD. Unfortunately, he has at times chosen to self medicate, which seems to be the case with your bf. It's been 3 and a half years and there are times when I think is this worth it? For once I would like to be the one that's been looked after. I think you might feel the same.
And at our age it might be easier to move on and find another true love.
For now I will stick with my bf, because we are in love. You just need to know when you have reached your limit and know it's best to move on.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (18 September 2012):
 OP,
I will tell you that right now I am getting married to a man who I love and adore...
he's got issues but he's functional.
I've got so many issues i have subscriptions... but I work and I'm functional
we both say that we are two broken people who are a little less broken together...
the problem is that he's killing himself with his drinking
and your guy is doing the same with his drugs.
yes broken people deserve love but what are YOU getting from the relationship?
are you staying with him because you are so afraid to leave and be alone and think that no one would ever want you?
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A
female
reader, cottongin +, writes (18 September 2012):
cottongin is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI think some of you may have overlooked that I have the exact same mental illness, only mine is generally controlled. At least it has for most of my life so far. But i have a host of other issues that also kind of makes me unable to go to school, or work (i get social security). I haven't even tried to do it again after multiple failures. So. I wouldn't want someone to leave ME just because I am dysfunctional... I wouldn't want that at all. But i don't know. I do agree that A break is at the very least, definitely in order.
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A
male
reader, doublejack +, writes (18 September 2012):
OP, I am going to be completely honest and tell you that I stopped reading your story when I got to the part where you said this:
"The only time he was functional in life and happy was when he was doing heroin."
I will level with you - your boyfriend has a serious drug addiction problem and it will likely cause his eventual death. He is a lot older than you are, too. Plus he lives on the other side of the country.
All the way around this is a mess you need to distance yourself from. Let him go. He is your first love and I know that won't be easy, but you are very young and there will be other men.
Best of luck!
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A
female
reader, Candid Cally +, writes (18 September 2012):
He isn't damaged from surgery. This is neither the hospital's or doctor's fault.
He is damaged because he chose to use HEROIN!!!
IV heroin is dangerous. It is often cut with substances that are contaminated with bacteria and not safe to inject. In some parts of the world, the users die from anthrax. Endocarditis is known complication for IV drug users.
The truth is, he didn't have to use heroin. Methadone clinics are available on both the east and west coasts of the US. Psychiatrists who specialize in treating addiction can prescribe a newer medication, Suboxone, that (according to my friends) has anti-depressant qualities at lower doses.
Because his drug use has damaged his heart, it eliminates some of the older anti-depressants as treatment options. For him to even begin to deal with his depression, he needs to take responsibility and accept that his actions caused his health problems. No number of psychiatrists or medications can alleviate a mental health condition that the patient doesn't want fixed.
While your loyalty to him is admirable, it is time to contact his family and see about returning his belongings to him. If he isn't going to talk to you and isn't going to try to get well, he is just going to drag you down too.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (18 September 2012):
my first thought is has he applied for Social Security Disability... that takes a while to get approved but it takes some of the stress off..
as for "should I stay or should I go"
sometimes we stay as long as we can and that's too long, and sometimes it's not long enough.
IF it was me, I would probably stay till the depression is treated properly...then make my decision...
you've been through hell and back with this guy... and i can tell you love him madly... but sadly honey sometimes love is just not enough.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 September 2012): Hi, this might not be a popular perspective but....Just wondering, why did he actually lose his job? What did it have to do with the 'baby stuff'? Was it maybe more to do with him being addicted to heroin? Also, just from a medical perspective, injecting drug users are among the highest risk group of people to get endocarditis (infection of the heart valves) and the most common organism for this group is staph, which is what your boyfriend had. So I think he needs to take a bit more of the share of the responsibility here. I know you want to look after him. But you got to look after yourself first. If he wants to sign a form to go to the hospice, that's his business. Don't let him drag you there with him.
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A
female
reader, ktmae +, writes (18 September 2012):
 WOW ... I read this and i see how much you have been through and its tough . Bipolar disorder is terrible difficult situation to deal with . Zyprexa has been a miracle for my bf . He was diagnosed after a horrible car wreck he aslo has speech prob and has trouble reading but he is doing better since this med . Also to give you a better look on it do some research online and make the docs talk to him and explain what it is . We didnt find out till later that what brought on his real bad episodes was energy drinks and caffine any thing that speeds you up . So simple of a thing contributed to his behavior that means drugs can to . If you want him or want to try one last time . . . You have to take control of the situation and kinda like babysit for awhile and make him get to the docs and stuff if not breaking up would let both of you move on better now again later
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A
female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (18 September 2012):
 I cannot even begin to imagine what a difficult a situation you are in. It is not easy to see someone you love so much, fall into the very midst of sickness and misery. It's easy to say that you should leave him but if it were my sister or friend in your place, that's what I would have told her too.
You are not married to this man yet and you don't owe him anything, why do you want to burden your life even before its started? You have a dream of being a housewife, which is fine, but with this man as a life partner, that's not possible. You have to work to support him, you have to work to ensure a steady flow of income because you don't know when he might just drop out of work. You cannot predict how a person battling with depression will behave.
You have to live with uncertainty every single day. You have to learn to adapt yourself to being with this man for the rest of your life, if you choose to be with him, and you have to be prepared to get nothing in return.
OP you know that your relationship is over. Its just a relationship in your mind because you love him and you cant let go of him, but the question that you have to ask yourself is, is love enough? Is love enough to conquer what you want to get into? The endless spiral of disease, depression and misery? Sure you love him and you want him to get better but its not in your hands and its not something you can do to help him. Only he can help himself and even then, there's only so much you can do to fight depression. Damage from surgery is not as hard to heal as depression and its almost impossible to deal with a depressed person. He will be on medication all his life, worst case scenario- he might NEVER get back to work, he might shut himself away from you for days on end...the list is endless.
Basically what I'm trying to say is that you can give it all you want and fight for your relationship and love but be prepared to give up on your dreams and your life. No one knows what the future holds. There could be a 360 degree turn and he could dramatically change for the better but you know it as well as I do, that that's very unlikely.
If you still feel that you want to be with him, then take up some courses at college that will equip you for a better source of income, because being with this man means that you HAVE to earn to support the both of you. You will also have to learn to do all the household work, learn to live on a tight budget and yet save enough for his medicines and treatment. There will be frequent visits to the doctor, you will have to be the major decision maker and the one who shoulders all responsibility. You might also have to choose to never have kids because of the added responsibility and your partner's depression and health.
Sadly you have been dealt with a very bad blow in life and your boyfriend is suffering for no fault of his and consequently so are you. But its a tough decision, one that you have to take yourself. Family and friends might help but they will always say, "I told you so" in times of crisis.
You're a very brave girl to have faced all this at such a young age. Your boyfriend is a lucky guy. But remember OP, even if you do decide to leave him, it doesn't make you a bad person. Not at all. You have to look after yourself too and there's nothing wrong with thinking about yourself.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (18 September 2012): "I stayed home and cleaned""As far as we were concerned we were pretty much married""i don't work. i don't want to ever work other than being a housewife." "Is it selfish of me to want to break up since he can't really give me the life I want?"Since he can no longer provide a "house" for you to stay home and clean, and as far as the law is concerned you were never his "wife," I'd say it's not selfish as much as practical. There may be better options elsewhere."But my heart is still 110% with him. I think about him all day every day, and i try to do what I can do to help.""Breaking up OFFICIALLY (we've had a lot of empty threats during fights) might make everything worse. . ."". . . shouldn't I stay with him now? Even though he's terribly depressed every day, sleeping all day, not hardly talking to me, while he's on the other side of the country?" Tough choice: follow your dreams or stand by your man. Given that the two of you are living with your parents on opposite coasts, neither working nor so inclined, his only source of income expiring shortly and insufficient to cover his thousands of dollars of medical bills, perhaps you need some time and solitude to consider your future as a couple. My suggestion: rather than OFFICIALLY breaking up, maybe a trial separation is in order. Instead of thinking about him "all day every day," maybe try only thinking about him "some of the day every day" or perhaps "all day some of the days" or even scaling back to "some of the day some of the days." ". . .from the moment I met him, I absolutely KNEW that he was the man I would be spending the rest of my life with."I'm betting the time away from thinking about him will ultimately reinforce your gut instinct.Guess that rules out him returning to the West Coast, wherever you decide to settle downYou two lovebirds have already encountered enough bumps on the road to happiness.
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A
female
reader, AuntyEm  +, writes (18 September 2012):
 Wow what a terrible dilemma you are in.
Not sure if anyone can give you a definitive answer as to what is best to do.
I understand you love this man and some very unfortunate and terrible things have happened to wreck the dream of a life you had with him.
There is a saying: Life is what happens whilst we are making other plans and I think this is what happened to you.
You had such a fixed idea to be a stay at home wife whilst he went out and earned the money but the exact opposite has happened and now he is unable to work and most likely will be unable for quite some time. The sad fact is that although you love him he cannot give you what you want (through no fault of his own) and if you are truly in love with him you will find a way to be with him, even if it means reveresing the roles so that you go out to work to support him!!
I get what you are saying about you being unqualified to get a job that will provide for both of you, but I must say that I tend to disagree. There are millions of women who make a less than average income and still manage to support their families (including children)
You don't have any kids and you are still very young and could easily get on a retraining course or program. In two years you could have the qualifications you lack and then it would be much easier to find a job.
With careful budgeting and learning a few simple home skills, like cooking, sewing, home maintenance and even growing your own veg, you can learn to supplement a low income that may allow you both to be together.
I am suggesting this to let you see that there is an alternative and if you want something badly, you have to go out and grab it because nothing falls in anyones lap.
That said, if you absolutely cannot let go of your dream of being a 'kept' stay at home wife (which I do not have a problem with since many women do this)I don't think this is possible with the boyfriend you have, unless he makes a drastic recovery and returns to a well paid job!!
Depression is a terrible illness and can take years of a persons life.
I really feel for your boyfriend as he has had a devestating time and I am sure he needs much longer to recover.
You are living apart for the time being, not much will change until you make it change and it seems a perfect time to get back into training as you absolutely have no guarantees that anyone will take you on and keep you for the rest of your life...and you gotta live don't you?...
I don't think you are ready to let go of him, but you do need to decide how best to proceed if things are going to change...do nothing and you could be stuck in this dilemma forever.
Hugs and chin up xx
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