A
female
age
41-50,
*d86
writes:I really believe my boyfriend doesn't love me anymore. We have been together almost three years, have a child together, and I am about two seconds away from walking out the door. We are at our last straw with couseling and because he picked a sex abuse counselor the couselor is telling us basically it is all me cause of my past, yet my boyfriend hasn't told this therapist anything about himself. I tell him how sad I am and tonight I sit in my bedroom alone while he sits out on the couch all night long. Then in the next breathe says he loves me. I sit and cry in a room alone and he knows I am crying, never comes and holds me. Doesn't call me when I ask him to call me to make me feel important or wanted. Yes my sex abuse as a child has given me some trust and abandonment issues but he can't blame everything on my past. He has to take some responsibiltiy for the things he has done. He has lies numerous times, disrespected me to all his friends, lets his friends call me really bad names without sticking up for me, lied to me about his ex's!! and other woman, etc.... so many promises he has broken to break my trust. He plays this sweet loving boyfriend at these therapy meetings then come the next day and is a complete jerk. Should I even waste my time anymore? I am giving it until the end of next week but I don't know how much more I can handle. I am so tired of being hurt and sad. Living alone without a friend. Your boyfriend is supposed to be your bestfriend but I have a roomate and a babysitter for when he needs to work. Should I believe him when he says he loves me?
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female
reader, svf  +, writes (27 May 2011):
 Your words are so full of pain ... it sounds so terribly bleak and lonely where you are right now. I think it is arrogantly insensitive of him to assume you are the one with all of the problems and to book a sex abuse counsellor instead of a relationship counsellor right now.You don't see this type of counsellor until you are READY to - and to be ready for that you would need to see someone on your own first-hand I would think, so that you can focus on your own emotions in your own way and can deal with them at your own pace.The other posters on here are right, actions do speak louder than words. But to leave you crying on your own and not comfort you is the sign of an abuser himself. He seems to be abusing you with his witholding of affection and love.You sound so unhappy that I think if you could leave him it might be better than what you have, so that you find somebody who will adore you and your child. You are a beautiful fragile soul who has been tortured in the past and deserves a future full of love and light. x
A
female
reader, llifton +, writes (27 May 2011):
 he probably does love you. as you love him, despite all of the problems you two are having. when relationships get to this breaking point, sometimes people don't know what to say or do anymore. they're at a complete loss and just kind of freeze and shut down. he may want to come into the bedroom and just hold you with all his heart, but doesn't because he feels so frustrated and is drowning in all of your problems, just like you.have you considered going out in the living room and turning off the tv and just holding him yourself? is that something you've tried? i've been in your shoes before. it's such a hard, painful place to be. all feels hopeless and you feel so completely lost. but let me be living proof, that if you just hang on, no matter how hard and how much it hurts sometimes, there may be a light at the end of the tunnel. my partner and i are happy now, and i'm so gladwe stuck it through. even when all felt hopeless, i hung on. and i now know we can make it through hell together. it may get worse before it gets better, but if you two truly love one another, you won't fail. if this is something you truly want, and i believe it is, or you wouldn't still be holding on, don't quit. if you don't quit, you cannot fail.have some faith that eventually things will get better. stay strong.
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A
male
reader, Cerberus_Raphael  +, writes (27 May 2011):
 His words are empty and all he seems to be doing is inflicting pain upon you. Intentional or not, you don't deserve that sort of treatment. I strongly suggest you leave him and be done with all the lies he has to give you. Take you child. Maybe one day you'll meet someone far better than him, a better father for your child.
I hope that helps.
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A
female
reader, Eyespy17 +, writes (27 May 2011):
It sounds like you already know what you need to do.
I get what you are going thru. My last boyfriend of 3 years said he loved me but the actions never matched the words. I could be in the same room with him and never feel more alone in my life.
If you are afraid to end it completely right now, how about a trial seperation? A break? Space. See if he comes around and realizes he is giving up on a good thing. Or maybe you'll realize it's for the beat once you have a little breathing room.
Good luck!!
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A
male
reader, spinnaker +, writes (27 May 2011):
 Remember that love is an action word. Love is followed up by action. If his words are not followed up by actions and behaviors they are empty. It is a shame that most powerful word of love is used so recklessly. There is far more here than I suspect meets the eye and the fact that he picked the counselor readily tilts things in his direction. You have admitted to us some barriers that you face as a result of your past. HAve you admitted such to him?For this to work you need to give a little and he needs to give a little. Most of all you need to find a counselor that you both agree upon because this person is only getting his side simply because he may appear to be just a tad more organized with things than yourself. Keep in mind that counselors need context to give advice. If they are only getting once side of the context - that is a grave problem for someone such as yourself. Have you considered meeting with your own counselor a part from him?Remember always that if you work on #1 - you will be in so much better shape to deal with all the numbers. Seeing your own personal counselor will indeed make you a better person and more equipped to work in this relationship.
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