A
female
age
22-25,
anonymous
writes:Yes, mod, I’m 17. The only person I can talk to about my depression and anxiety is my boyfriend but I’m stuck in a polygamous relationship with him and his girlfriend. However, I love him and I’m getting tired of sharing him. I just want his body and heart for myself. He’s all I ever had and I’m afraid if I leave him, I won’t find anyone else. I talked to him about how I feel, but he doesn’t understand and never will. He won’t leave her for me. He says he loves both of us and never wants to lose us. I’ve cried while we argued. Why won’t he understand how I feel? Why does he stick up for her everytime? Is she better than me? I’ve been bullied and left out my whole life, so I have little faith in myself and guys. I do love him but I want to be the only girl on his mind and heart. Should I stay and be thankful I have actually have a guy who loves me or should I leave and wait on something better? Should I make him choose between us? Do I even deserve better?
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female
reader, Greene +, writes (29 April 2018):
Hi there --
I think it's natural for people to need other people. That's OK--natural, normal, it makes life a lot easier when you have close bonds with other people. And most people--I'd say this is evolutionary, genetic--gravitate, even in their own weird ways, toward making a connection.
If you've been bullied and left out, this need is probably really heightened. (I've felt this way too.)
So I think: 1) It's OK to feel a need for other people. It's natural to feel a need toward a guy you have a bond with (especially when you're hugging him and doing other physical stuff, which can physiologically reinforce human connection). This need for others, to not be alone, will probably be a feeling that's hard to extinguish.
BUT: 2) This is not a good guy to bond with because he's splitting his bond. He's getting a lot of love from two women, and you're getting half-attention. That sounds very painful.
So I think you can fully acknowledge that you have a need from him, from people, from the outside world, but prudently, to protect yourself, step back from this guy in particular.
Go fill your life with different people to bond with, knowing that sometimes there will probably be months or years when you won't have that, but it's just temporary. It's OK if a person's needs aren't met AT ALL TIMES. Just aim for them, being a funny, nice person who has other interests than need-filling in the process.
As for being perceived as an ice queen or someone who can't make friends -- from personal experience, I know this can be a self-fulfilling cycle, and a really bad one. You worry there's something deep down inside of you that makes you repellent to people, and that dark perspective comes through.
What I wish I told myself back then: Don't fight it; sidestep it! You'll have a lot of interactions in life with other people. These people right in front of you right now (maybe at your high school) think you're one way? They're sure of your deep-down inferiority or craziness or boringness? Guess what? Even if you're completely surrounded by this viewpoint at the moment, or for the past few years, it's NOT necessarily reality. Adult life will shake things up; you'll be in different situations with different power dynamics; you'll befriend people in different circles and of different ages.
So just say: OK, this is the scenario now, but it's not a truth about me deep down or my fate. I mean this in a practical, non-belittling way: You don't have to take your current scenario with friends and acquaintances so seriously. And when you don't take it so seriously (because you really don't need to -- it's not something set in stone for you), then that darkness starts to go away. Then you have different types of interactions with people. (Maybe not the current group of bozos, who may have a fixed view of you, but it will help improve interactions when you're in different settings.)
I'm 40 years old and today I walked down the street and a woman I used to work with saw me and, it seemed to be, whispered something negative about me to her companion. That was sad. I couldn't believe I was back to ground zero of middle school -- people thinking there was something intrinsically unappealing about me, worthy of discussion. But then I think, OK -- that's just one facet of how the world views me. Most people I know don't spend much time thinking about me; others have a certain positive opinion of me; others have a different positive opinion; others have a negative opinion; others have a different negative opinion, and so on; it's all a kaleidoscope.
You might be correct that people have certain negative opinions of you now. That's OK! Not a problem (even if it feels like it is). You're going to be shaken up; life will be all sorts of things. This moment doesn't intrinsically matter.
(And back to your original concerns about the guy -- good luck!!!)
A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 April 2018): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI still don’t appreciate being insulted but whatever floats your boat. You don’t know what I go through every single day, but just go ahead and call me whatever you want. Lol. But thanks everyone else for understanding me and helping me to make the best decision. Now that I finally realized who he is, my life is slowly getting better.
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 April 2018): I still have hope for you, because you're so young.
At only 17, you will see the world from a more limited point of view; because you have no experience. Your social and/or mental-disorders aren't always the driving force behind your behavior. You're just a kid! You've got more challenges due to anxiety disorder and depression; but you also are a "needy" person.
You need a boy to give somebody up; or you won't feel you will ever have anybody again. Come on! That's just wanting what you want; because of your inflated sense of entitlement, and immaturity. Which is expected from a girl who is only 17! Fortunately, not all girls your age are like that. Most learn quickly and bounce right back! With or without anxiety issues! Some diagnosis of these disorders are somewhat questionable/debatable in someone so young!
You're just like any other teenager. Melodramatic and perceiving the world is against you! You're insisting on having a boy who likes somebody else! Nothing anybody says will change your situation; because you think your experience is different from what has happened to anybody else in the world.
You are also somewhat disrespectful to your elders and resistant to people trying to help you.
The thing about people who don't listen is that they have to let the trouble they are experiencing continue to progress.
It has to go from the beginning to the end. They need to go through the grinder, because of their "hardheadedness." They need the full-experience, and to see things through to the end. It either makes them wiser and stronger; or they just limp through life like they are a victim of everything that happens to them.
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A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts  +, writes (19 April 2018):
 Yeah, the anger can make you a target for bullying. Getting therapy when you're 18 will definitely help. Break it off with him and, in future, only date single guys.
Good luck!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 April 2018): You're 17, this is the time of your life where you are still figuring out who you are. You've tried this type of relationship and it isn't for you, that's ok.If he isn't willing to be in a monogamous relationship, which you want, it isn't going to work. You've got a tough decision ahead, make him happy or make yourself happy.It might not seem by getting out of the relationship you are going to make yourself happy, but you will. You'll be happy eventually. In a year or two, you will look back on it and thank yourself. You can meet someone else who wants you, and only you.I wouldn't make him choose between you. I'd just leave him. You deserve someone who loves you, and only you. I genuinely believe people in poly relationships just haven't met the right person yet and that's why they go with different people.I really do think you need therapy for your low self confidence, and I don't mean that in a bad way. I think it'll really help you. It'll help you work through and deal with, all your negative feelings. It's worth a go!
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 April 2018): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for the advice. You helped me see my worth. I should see a therapist but my dad will not care. He never has. I’ll just wait until I turn 18 at the end of the year. I also have social anxiety and anger issues making it hard for me to make new friends. That’s why I’m so afraid I’ll be alone forever because who wants an ice queen?
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A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (19 April 2018):
Get therapy. This *is* needy behaviour.
1) You're 17
2) "All my life" (dating so far) is 2 - 3 years maximum, which isn't even long enough to get through junior school, secondary school or university, so it's hardly a decent amount of time to guess what will happen for the REST OF YOUR LIFE
3) "Rest of my life" is 70+ YEARS!!!! If you continue with this behaviour for the next SEVEN DECADES, sure, you might end up alone, but you'll be a fully-formed adult in 7 years and probably have dated one or two (or more) others since now
4) You're worth more than this "relationship", but you won't get any better until you start being less dramatic and get the professional help you need
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (19 April 2018):
 Well, not to be polemic, but... staying in a dysfunctional relationship which brings you sadness and anxiety, BECAUSE you are afraid you'll be alone ,fits perfectly the definition of " needy ". You don't love or want this guy, at least not only; you NEED him to assuage your irrational fears of remaining partnerless. Your attachment does not come from a place of pure love , but from a place of fear and NEED.
Your fear is an illusion, a warped perception of reality - and also a comfy excuse to not take responsibility for your wellbeing and for the choices you are making and will make for your life.
Now you are only 17, so you are allowed, you are warranted making some drama, being a little over-the-top with your emotions . SOME. There are limits. Can't you hear yourself ? Don't you realize how absurd, and, well,forgive me but I have to say it , ridicolous some things you say sound ?....
" I am afraid I'll be alone for the rest of my life " WTF ? Try living a bit, first. In the sense, in 25 or 30 years, if nothing has ever changed or improved in your love life, then it may be time to start being concerned and suspect that yes, maybe romance is not your thing and for some reason happily ever after is not in the cards. But at 17, you've got tons of time for trial-and-error, a.k.a dating !
" All my life I have been dumped for someone else ": Oh really ? All your life ? How long that dating life would be,
all of a a couple of years ? or did you start dating in grade school? In kindergarten ? In daycare ?
Last but not least- what did you expect, OP. Admittedly you have not had time to accrue much life and love experience- yet you know that if you stick your fingers into a flame- ouch ! it burns. And if you take a shower with your clothes on- they get soaking wet. Fire burns. Water wets. Cause-effect. Actions-consequences.
If you get into a " relationship " with someone who is not single- you won't have his undivided attention and committment, and you will be dogged by jealousy and humiliation. ( That , of course, if you want an exclusive, monogamous relationship . Some people are perfectly fine with non-monogamy, and don't mind not being exclusive .But
obviously you are not among them ).
You'll think I am being too harsh, but basically what I am trying to say is : reclaim your power. Knowing that you have the responsibility for your choices and their consequences may be scary but it's also empowering and liberating.Decide what you really want and only make choices that support your decision. If you want to be in a committed monogamous relationship- then don't even consider taking up with a taken guy ! Nor continuing with someone who definitely refuses to give you the committment you want. Because that's the best way to NOT get what you want.
If you are single, let's say there's a possibility that you'll never find the love you seek ( a very very remote possibility , but let's say it for the sake of discussion ). But if you stay with this guy, then it's not a possibility, it's an absolute certainty !
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 April 2018): ::All my life there’s been someone better than me that I get dumped for.::
You were dumped at 3 months? Three years? Eight? Eleven?
What kind of sh:tty parents are raising you? That you think at age 17 there’s no one else in THE ENTIRE F’ING WORLD would be a good partner for you? That THE ENTIRE PLANET’S population will bully and dump you?!?!?
Omfg someone needs to speak to them and speak to you. You need MAJOR THERAPY. Will be back with links. BRB
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (19 April 2018):
 Why do you think you will be alone for the rest of your life?
You are 17!! Not 97!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 April 2018): This is verified as being by the original poster of the question“Wise”owl, I don’t appreciate being called a needy girl and being accused of throwing a temper tantrum because “I need a boyfriend sooo bad”. It’s nothing like that. I’m just afraid if I leave him, I’ll be alone for the rest of my life. It’s especially hard when your few friends brags about their boyfriends and best friends. I honestly don’t feel I’m worth more than this “relationship.”
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (18 April 2018):
 "All my life there’s been someone better than me that I get dumped for."
That is the sentence, out of all you have posted, that speaks volumes to me. You do realize that YOU can break this pattern of being dumped for someone "better" by realising you are worth so much more than the crumbs this guy is throwing you and dumping HIM first? He is never going to dump his girlfriend for you. And honestly, why should he? He can have you both at his beck and call. Why would he give that up? The power to change this situation lies with YOU and you alone.
I suspect this user is quite a bit older than you or, at the very least, a lot more street wise than you. He sees/feels your need and vulnerability and takes full advantage.
Have you spoken with a professional about your depression? A doctor perhaps, or a councillor? Many young people of your age go through hard times as they mature. My own step-daughter needed considerable help and counselling when she was your age. There is no shame in asking for help when you feel you need it. If you had something wrong with you physically, you would go straight to the doctor, wouldn't you? The same should apply if you have something wrong mentally.
I suspect you KNOW this relationship is going nowhere and that you also know you should end it. However, regardless of what anyone advises, you will not finish it until YOU are ready. I hope you realize your worth soon and stop lining yourself up to be treated badly because, sweetheart, you are worth so much more.
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A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (18 April 2018):
You TOLD him you're all he needs, but you're NOT and you need to accept that. You KNEW he had a girlfriend and still got involved with him.
OP, he isn't MONOGAMOUS. He doesn't WANT just one girlfriend. Whether he's actually poly or just wants to be able to cheat, it doesn't matter; he's NOT for you.
One of the main things in dating is that you have to LEARN that most relationships don't work out. If you refuse to accept that, you're not ready for a boyfriend.
I get that you've been bullied, want to be loved, etc., but this is NOT how to go about it. You will only end up with dodgy boyfriends who USE you until you get PROFESSIONAL help.
Break up with this guy, ACCEPT that he's not right for you, that this is NOT love and that you need HELP.
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 April 2018): My dear, being 17 is really hard. Here you are, growing and developing from a girl to a young woman. Naturally, you're actually feeling real feelings for someone for the first time. You actually know what these feelings mean; but they are still very new and experimental.
You call it love; but for the moment, what you have is a fixation. A challenge, if you will!
There are some comments that we will talk about, and I think we can help you along. Here they are:
"I’ve been bullied and left out my whole life, so I have little faith in myself and guys."
"Do I even deserve better?"
His rejection and your need for validation has now become a total mission. It's not him that you want so much; it's to make him give her up for you! It would prove to you that you're worth something to guys.
Your worthiness is not based on what some stupid-ass guy feels about you; or or what price-tag or value anybody decides to appraises you for. It's how you feel about yourself first. You have to toughen your skin and act like an adult in adult-situations.
You're not a thing, you are a person! You have worth, you have feelings, you fully and totally exist without anybody's approval or permission. Validate yourself!
Grow-up! It's time you know this and stop acting like a spoiled little girl who doesn't get what she wants. You see some girl wearing a dress you like, but you decide you want it. So she'd better strip and give it up?
Welcome to life, sweetheart; it doesn't work that way. She has him, he wants her; he won't give her up. So you have to move on! Throw tantrums and beg; but that just makes you look like a child. You're in this triangle as long as you want to be, and suffering for it. You're making yourself sick! STOP IT!
You deserve love. You have so much of it in you that you don't know what to do with it. So you're wasting your time with a "player" who is sitting there enjoying how much he can manipulate your feelings. Playing on your anxiety issues, and using your depression disorder as a way to play "Johnny in the middle" between two silly teenage girls.
He's playing the both of you. You mostly, because he knows you have an anxiety-disorder and he holds your feelings in the palm of his hands. You've decided he's your savior and rescuer from your depression. BUNK! That's ridiculous! He has no degree, no training, no medical license, and he's nothing but a dumb kid!
Let me spell it out for you. Stop discussing your mental-health with some two-timing high school player; who is trying to see if he can put you in a mental-hospital!
He doesn't love both of you, he's bragging to his friends he's got two girls who want him at the same time! Makes him look like the "big man," holding your heart and soul in his hands. He's not; but you just make believe he's all that!
You're behaving like the weakling chick who needs a boyfriend soooooo bad; you've got to steal him from some other girl. He's not yours. He's hers. You're the third-wheel. Get a grip, girlfriend!
Life sucks sometimes; and you don't get who or what you want, until it's your turn to get it. He doesn't want you, he just likes to see you beg! You are stronger and better than that! Giving away all your power to some boy!
Show him you can take all your power back. He doesn't have his finger on your buttons. You're only 17, with about 68 more years to go. The average female lives to about 85! You tell me in all that time, this stupid kid is the only guy you'll ever love? Okay drama queen, cut it out! You need your own soap opera! Listen up!
Let him go. You deserve love, and you'll get it. You're at an awkward age and caught-up in drama, and your anxiety is getting the better of you. Your parents are remiss for not stepping-in and grabbing you by an ear and shaking a finger at you. You are a sweet young girl learning all about love. You are wasting time and energy on a terrible boy who is making fun of your anxiety-disorder. You are also acting spoiled; not to get what you want and have your way.
Stop hurting yourself. Go see your therapist, and tell him or her how this mess is making you feel. Someone older should be monitoring your anxiety-issues; and you had better stop putting your mental-health in the hands of some stupid horny kid!!!
Take back your heart. It's too precious and delicate to just hand it over to some dumb-ass player who cheats on his dumb-ass girlfriend! YOU ARE BETTER THAN THAT!
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (18 April 2018):
I agree with Andie's Thoughts,
If you WANT monogamy, THIS guy isn't for you. That is NOT what HE is looking for.
You are 17. What is the hurry? Why settle for something that doesn't make you happy to be involved in?
So you can talk to him about your depression and anxiety but that is NOT going to fix it. You ought to seek ACTUAL help for that. He knows full well that by listening to you talk about your issues... he can use it against you.
And maybe you DO need to consider that part of your depression and anxiety is due to the fact that this guy is making you feel LESS.
OK, so you have been dumped for another girl at some point. IT HAPPENS! Sometimes relationships just doesn't work out. ESPECIALLY when you are in your teens. It has a learning curve.
This guy is taking advantage of you and you past. He KNEW you were/are vulnerable and thus an "easy target" for his little menage a trois. But you ARE just the 3rd wheel here, not a major part of his "love-life'relationship". I don't know how many times I have seen people talk about "poly relationships" that are nothing short of a guy having a harem of girls to screw.
Half the Worlds population is male, OP. Which means that logically... you have a VERY good chance at meeting another guy, and meeting one that wants ONLY you.
The thing is if you DON'T work on yourself, your depression and anxiety you are going to find that men who gravitate towards you can SEE that you are vulnerable. And the kind of men who goes after vulnerable girls... are not the kind you want.
Don't enter into relationship where you are having to "SHARE" a guy. That isn't what you seem to want.
Walk away, work on yourself. Don't be so desperate for "love" and "affection" that you totally disregard YOUR own feelings.
YOU are the one making YOU feel worthless. By settling for being this guy's secondary side-chick.
So why not MAKE the choice to put yourself first?
Find what you want to DO with your life. Find things you are passionate about, find what you are good at. Improve what you like but perhaps isn't so good at.
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 April 2018): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHe told me that their love is shared between the three of us. The way he talks about their love makes me feel even more bad. All my life there’s been someone better than me that I get dumped for.
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 April 2018): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYou know what he said to me that was so humiliating? I told him I’m all he needs and he said “never say that; never forget her.” That broke my heart that was soo humiliating how I expressed my feelings and he didn’t even care.
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female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (18 April 2018):
You're a monogamous person CHOOSING to be in a polyamorous one. That's on you. I'm sorry, OP, but you're so young and have DECADES to find a single, monogamous guy. Heck, she may not even know about you!
He sides with her because it's not an equal triad - you're just his extra.
As for your mental health, please speak to an adult - a family member or therapist. Friends are good to have, but they don't have the experience necessary to support you properly.
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A
female
reader, Anonymous 123 +, writes (18 April 2018):
 He doesn't understand how you feel because he doesn't want to, because he doesn't have any real emotions for you and because you are just a sex toy for him. He's not a nice guy OP. He's not being honest to anyone. Do you think he loves his girlfriend? The answer is a big big NO. Love between two people cannot be shared. He loves only himself. He's with his girlfriend because he's definitely getting some material and/or tangible benefits from being with her and if he breaks up with her, then those goodies will also stop.
He is an utterly selfish guy.
OP no human being deserves what you're going through. You're under his spell and you think that you can't do better but you CAN! I would give you a huge hug right now if I could and tell you that everything will be OK, you just have to believe in yourself.
Listen to us here OP. We're all older than you and whatever we tell you will be on your best interest.
This guy is bad news and he's making you feel even worse than what you'd feel alone. Should you stay and be thankful that he loves you? Oh God no!! He doesn't love you, he doesn't love the other girl, he doesn't love anyone. Staying with him is not even an option!
Should you make him choose between you two? Well if he loved either of you then there wouldn't be a third person. And you did ask him to choose didn't you? The sly rogue that he is, he chose both. He's having sex with two girls, he's got no scruples, why would he choose one?
Do you deserve better? Yes, yes, a thousand times yes!!
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A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (18 April 2018):
But you DON'T have a guy who loves you. If he loved you, he would not have a problem in choosing of being only with you. That would happen voluntarily, you would not have to try and strongarm him into loving you Particularly since he knows how you feel about this " 3 is a crowd " relationship, he knows that it makes you suffer and that you are unhappy in this non-monogamous setting.
That's why your tears have made no headways so far. It's not that he does not understand how you feel , it does not take a superior intelligence or a big strecth of imagination to figure it out. He understands it allright, it's just that he does not care. He does not give a fart about how you feel or what's best for you. He cares about HIMSELF, about what feels good to him, about what works best for him, which is having two different girls rather than just one. Of course he does not want to lose neither ! He is just like a greedy kid, as long as he can in practice get two toys or two chocolates rather than only one, why should he voluntarily chose to deprive himself of something he likes ??!
So, no, you have nothing to be particularly thankful for in reference to this guy, ( while of course you have many other things to be thankful about, not last that you are only 17 and with a lifetime in front of you to find the right guy for you ; and that your life is so free of grievous health, money, family concerns that you can spare energy and thoughts for love troubles ).
if you do not want an open relationship, you simply should not be in one. The choice is yours.
If you want someone who will love only you , this is not the one. And btw, he would not be the one even if , forced to choose , he should choose you and ditch the other girl ( but this won't happen and you know that it would be the other way around ; that's why you haven't given him an ultimatum yet ) Anyway , even if he chose you, how could you trust him ? Knowing how good he is at keeping his foot in two shoes, and carryng on parallel relationships ?
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (18 April 2018):
 It sound's like this polygamous relationship makes you way more miserable than it makes you happy.
Your first sentence reveals a lot more about this relationship than you might think ... you say you are stuck with him and his girlfriend ... not his other girlfriend, or our girlfriend but HIS GIRLFRIEND.
That makes you the side chick, you are not equal and he doesn't care that it upsets you.
You know that you want to be in a more traditional relationship, one boy one girl but that's not going to happen with this dude.
As for making him choose, apart from the fact ultimatums rarely work what do you REALLY think his reaction will be?
Remove yourself from this unhealthy relationship, not to wait for something/body else to come along for that would be just as big a mistake. Instead of waiting start building yourself into the best you possible. Depending on the population where you live you might be able to find a support group for your anxiety and depression, maybe consider doing some extra studies, volunteer somewhere, walk dogs, take cooking classes, commit to walking everyday, even if its just down to the corner and back, holding your head up high.
When ever you have feelings of anxiety name out loud the first four items you see ... try it.
You don't need to accept being a third wheel in a relationship, its making your miserable so remove yourself from that situation.
Sending all the positive vibes I can.
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A
female
reader, Geegee123 +, writes (18 April 2018):
If you want more, and he won't give it to you, then I'm sorry to say he's not the guy for you.
You deserve better, whatever you want! If you want a monogamous relationship you can't deny yourself that. Otherwise you'll spend your relationship second guessing and doubting yourself, comparing yourself to this other girl. Relationships are meant to make you feel good about yourself and offer a kind of sanctuary from the outside world, not increase the pain and doubt you feel.
Best of luck and have confidence in yourself.
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