A
female
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:Hello, I was hoping I could ask for some help regarding my sex life.I have a wonderful 2 year relationship with my boyfriend. Genuinely feel like I've found the one for me, I think he's amazing. However, he's the first person I've slept with so I've done a lot of learning with him.We have really experimental sex, which I love and explore sides of each other which has really developed my confidence. Although it does seem to be either really experimental and outside my comfort zone, or disappointing if not as he doesn't put any effort into more vanilla sex.However, I'm getting frustrating about my orgasm. We slept with each other the other night, and after spending the evening telling me it was all going to be about me, and that he couldn't wait to make me come, it was over within 4 minutes without any effort from him. I was actually quite shocked, particularly as I was so in the mood that night. He asked if I was annoyed and I actually couldn't cover up the fact that I felt like he hadn't put any effort into my pleasure at all. He said "but I just don't know how to make you come sometimes" my reply was that he didn't even try!He then said that he thought I should be more tactful as Id basically said he was bad in bed.In my eyes, this is him turning his selfishness and laziness in bed back on to me and making it my fault that the female orgasm takes a bit of patience and work to achieve.We left it quite awkwardly and moved on, but this means a lot to me and I don't know how to talk about it without hurting his feelings. I just feel quite strongly why should he have sex and reach orgasm and I shouldn't just because he's too lazy to try. I try to give direction but it really isn't that hard and I just feel frustrated and disappointed by sex like this, unless we're playing up to his fantasies which he always makes way more effort for.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 April 2018): No I have had quickies where I as well as my partner have had an orgasm. I stand by that there is nothing wrong with quick sex if BOTH parties want to and time is limited or even just simply what BOTH parties want is a quickie without all the foreplay. If it seemed I was implying he should just 'hop on'that is certainly not what I meant.
A
female
reader, jls022 +, writes (21 April 2018):
Anonymous female, I don’t think people are disputing there are times when one person (usually the female) doesn’t orgasm during a quickie, but the way you phrased your post suggests there are times when a man just wants to get off and can’t be bothered meeting his partner’s needs. And frankly, that’s not sex. It’s masturbation using another person’s body.
I’d never dream of selfishly using my partner in that way, so I don’t think it’s asking too much to expect the same consideration in return. But as I said originally, if you’re happy accepting that sort of treatment then more power to you.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 April 2018): Nothing wrong with having a quickie if time is limited and both parties want to, stop taking life seriously
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A
male
reader, liddel  +, writes (21 April 2018):
In the first place, when you were a bit angry and frustrated, you lashed out. No one wants to know they weren't good for the other in bed, so now his feelings are hurt.In the second, you're a grown woman. Get what you need. Make him lick you and get you to an orgasm before he sticks his dick in you. Then if you have another orgasm, that's a bonus and it appears the second one for a woman, is better than the first.Buy some sex toys and take matters in your own hands and if he finishes too quickly, he can use the toys on you. There is more to sex than just him thrusting in you for his own pleasure. Learn about it and train him. If you can't get it to where you are regularly enjoying the sex, dump him. I speak from experience. Nearly 30 years ago, in fact, it will be 30 years in two days, I married a woman that was mediocre in bed. Thirty years of mediocrity has not been great. I can count on one hand the great sexual experiences we've had in that time. Don't let that happen.However, you will need to be tactful in accomplishing this. If not his bruised ego will never recover. Good luck.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 April 2018): And when the two of you "have a quickie" does he come and you don't? Because that's what you're implying anonymous, which is just digging the pit further. You have completely missed the point.A man fuxxxng (having a quicky) and orgasming whilst millions of woman don't, is old, old, old. Is this not the point of this whole point of this post!So many woman don't have orgasms because of men's intolerance for them. I mean that post on here from Mr anonymous, where he says that one of his girlfriends, he had to adjust to her orgasms and which position she liked it in, he's no longer with her though because she liked to orgasm a certain way. So there's no hope for any of us, what must heee think about a woman who doesn't cum? I dread to think! But... What a burden we've had to bear for so long. We can get chucked so easily by a man because we orgasmed on top and not below or vica verse - or whatever???No wonder the womans orgasm has been lost!Still, there are more pressing issues to be getting on with. So.I must rest this case now?....Come!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 April 2018): I certainly don't mean he jtust jumps on and fuc*s, I mean in the context of it being a 'quickie where time is limited and that is what both people know. I'm certainly not suggesting feeling like a blow up doll just lying there. As I said sex comes in different ways, it's not always going to be endless hours making love, life gets inn the way.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 April 2018): The point being here...
The OP was up for it. Her boyfriend promised her a wonderful orgasm and she was excited and then that didn't happen. The OP was "shocked!" And she is getting "(frustrated) about (my) orgasm"!
It's shocking that some people can't get this!
But hey, there's no pleasing all of you!?
Dear OP lady. I hope you have many more lovely orgasms. They are one of Gods finest creations. It's time men stopped fucking about with that fact!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 April 2018): Yes I stand by what I wrote, sometimes it can just be a heat of the moment thing and there isn't a lot of time for whatever reason. I don't ever feel like I'm being used thank you, as I said vast majority of the time it is making love but sometimes, yes sometimes it is that and not just for him. As I said I know the difference in relationships to if I'm being used or not, that is for the OP to work out
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A
female
reader, jls022 +, writes (19 April 2018):
‘Sometimes a man just wants to have sex and to put it more bluntly wants to just fu*k’
I honestly can’t decide if this makes me want to cry or scream! While the poster of this comment might be happy to let her partner use her body as a human masturbation device when the need to ‘just f*ck’ arises, many women do not and there’s nothing wrong with that.
OP, most people would love to act on their own desires without regard for others now and again, but most people also realise that is a selfish way to behave. If he can’t accept that all you are asking for is the same consideration and treatment you offer him in the bedroom, then you’re better off without him.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 April 2018): There are different ways to have sex when you are in a relationship. I disagree slightly with some of the other posters replies. I know that my man majority of the time wants to please me as i do him. However sometimes a man just wants to have sex and to put it more bluntly wants to just fu*k and for me there is nothing wrong in that. If he did it all the time i would be offended and would quickly get peeved off. There is a very big difference between being with someone you love or just having sex and i have certainly known which one it has been in different relationships based on how the man acts.If he does this every now and then i would personally not come to the conclusion that he is selfish, as i said sometimes males just want to do that. If he is normally attentive and loving then i would let the odd time pass, but that is just my opinion, you have to go with how you feel AND communicate with him your concerns if he does this often and you are left with the distinct impression he has no intention of thinking about your needs, good luck
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 April 2018): There is only one solution to this problem.
Stop having SEX with the lad/man. If he can't even do sex properly then how do you expect him to ever make Love to you??
he's useless at good responses. he's useless at being tactful and useless in bed.
The mans pride means fiddly squat. What about having some pride in your not giving out to a selfish, thoughtless, lying and un-giving boy/man. The world isn't going to get any better if woman don't own themselves and let men run all over them as if they're just sex machines.
We are Better than that.
But I'm generalising and I mean too :)
Maybe?
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A
female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (19 April 2018):
But he IS bad in bed! If it's all just about him, there's no communication and even after 2 years he doesn't know how to give you an orgasm, then he's not a good lover. And he expects you to be tactful!!
I think he just couldn't be bothered to spend time on you. It was all about his quick gratification. He's absolutely pushing the blame on you for his laziness and selfishness, there's no denying that.
Look, sex is essential. An orgasm is even more essential. You need to tell him that it's important for you that he makes you feel wanted and loved and for that, he shouldn't ignore you in bed. Tell him exactly what to do when you're naked with him. Where to touch you, how to kiss you.. guide him and tell him exactly how you like it. There's absolutely no shame in that and you should be as comfortable with him as you are with yourself. If he still doesn't want to pleasure you or gets irritated because it's taking too long, then you know there's a problem.
Sexual compatibility is a huge issue and if it's not there then no matter how amazing he is otherwise or how good the relationship is, it's not going to hold up.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 April 2018): Tactful. he wants tactful.Tactful would be you telling him the truth that he IS selfish and bad at sex, making "Love"!I spent many years with men who were selfish in bed. The ones who weren't (they were) thought that they were studs because they gave me orgasm (after at least 40 minutes ) and played around with other girls who they probably didn't even give an orgasm too (how can they, they didn't care about them)?! They really know how to turn us off and you are feeling turned off by him. It is true that a woman can orgasm really quickly (by herself) (and we have the added bonus of being able to carry on;) but when we're with men, it can take forever, which is frustrating all around. We're like this because we can almost hear their thoughts: " how long", "I wish she'd hurry up" or "her tits are too big/small" etc, or "has she come?" (she hasn't) and so on and so forth, whilst we're struggling for any thought thats sexual, than having to listen to that BS! These are the reasons us woman are not turned on by men (anymore.) You didn't cum in the 4 minutes before he came, because he's being selfish. Thinking only of himself and it's so old OP. The cry of many woman who don't orgasm because of greedy, lusty and very selfish men. The thing is, he's already getting defensive and this sounds like a young lad that doesn't care about you. he lied to you about giving you an orgasm, but then he didn't and he's blamed you. That's crap!Maybe you can sort this out, but don't be surprised if you can't.Good luck!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 April 2018): Tactful. he wants tactful.
Tactful would be you telling him the truth that he IS selfish and bad at sex, making "Love"!
I spent many years with men who were selfish in bed. The ones who weren't, thought that they were studs because they gave me orgasm (after at least an hour) and played around with other girls who they probably didn't even give an orgasm too (how can they, they didn't care about them)?! They really know how to turn us off and you are feeling turned off by him. It is true that a woman can orgasm really quickly (by herself) (and we have the added bonus of being able to carry on;) but when we're with men, it can take forever, which is frustrating all around. We're like this because we can almost hear their thoughts: " how long", "I wish she'd hurry up" or "her tits are too big/small", or "has she come?" (she hasn't) and so on and so forth, whilst we're struggling for any thought thats sexual, than having to listen to that BS! These are the reasons us woman are not turned on by men (anymore.) You didn't come in the 4 minutes before he came, because he's being selfish. Thinking only of himself and it's so old OP. The cry of many woman who don't orgasm because of greedy, lusty and very selfish men. The thing is, he's already getting defensive and this sounds like a young lad that doesn't care about you. he lied to you about giving you an orgasm, but then he didn't and he's blamed you. That's crap!
Maybe you can sort this out, but don't be surprised if you can't.
Good luck!
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A
male
reader, N91 +, writes (19 April 2018):
 The only way to get through this is communication.
I’ll start by saying it’s a perfectly valid reason to break up with someone due to poor sex. A relationship shouldn’t be based solely around that, but I think it would be a huge struggle to put up with something like that for the rest of your life.
Tell him exactly what you’ve told us. I’ve never understood selfish males in the bedroom. To me it’s a much greater pleasure to know you’re satisfying somebody else so it’s hard for me to see it from his perspective and can understand that it would be incredibly frustrating.
I’d be extremely upfront and tell him what he’s not doing, then give him tips on what he needs to be doing and giving a firm warning that this is a big deal to you and that it needs to improve because you’re being left dissatisfied. I think if he sees how much this is bothering you then he will book up his ideas.
If not, there’s billions of other guys on this planet. Everyone is replaceable.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (19 April 2018): I completely understand where you are coming from. Sex between two people should be very intimate for both parties and it is always more pleasurable when it is a two way street. Sex is (for some, if not most) a crucial aspect is relationships two keep it healthy. In most cases it's a way to express one's passion and 'love' towards their partner.
I too was in a relationship where I felt it was lopsided. I did everything I could to make sure she was pleasured and it was all about what made her orgasm and what position excited her the most.
I too felt it was unfair, after multiple attempts to communicate to her that I wanted the same amount of energy for me that I put into her. It would eventually corrode our relationship because we weren't seeing eye to eye and it would eventually spread to more bitterness.
I do agree that pressing the matter towards him will turn him off. Some people just don't accept "criticism" well. And you have every right to be upset about sex because it's supposed to be pleasureable for both of you!
In honest, this mind sound cliché, but you might have to communicate to him while also simultaneously trying to avoid hurting his ego (maybe his ego is fragile not sure) that he's bad in bed. Boost his ego/pride and maybe that will help.
But don't be surprised if he doesn't change...some people just don't get it, to put it blunty. Just weigh to yourself how high sex/orgasms are to you.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (19 April 2018):
 I think you do NEED to talk about it. Sure he doesn't like to hear that he IS BAD in bed (because let's face it, if he spends the 4 minutes you are having sex focused on HIS pleasure ONLY then he is a BAD lover).
If he was a bad cook, would you not tell him?
If HE can have SEX with you he can LISTEN to you.
If you DO NOT have this conversation, HE will not improve and YOU will end up sexually frustrated with a libido of zero!
And no, I don't really think women takes THAT much more effort to hit climax than a guy. It's just DIFFERENT strokes, so to speak.
I read a study about women and orgasms and MANY women can actually reach orgasm (by themselves - no sex toys included) MUCH faster than the average man - UNLESS the man hadn't ejaculated for a long period of time (3 weeks or more, I think it was).
Should you be more tactful so his little ego doesn't get hurt? That is up to you. But you do need to have the talk about it.
I would DEFINITELY point out that sex becomes a LOT less interesting to YOU when you know he isn't going to put in any effort in YOUR pleasure.
Do YOU put effort into his? (from what you write it seems like you do) So why should HE not "give" that to you as well? Sex isn't just about HIS pleasure, it's a SHARED experience.
You wouldn't go to a restaurant and eat a meal in front of him while he just to to watch and then pay for the meal, right?
Sex will become a chore to you if it doesn't improve or really INCLUDE you. You might as well be a blow up doll for his pleasure.
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