A
female
age
41-50,
*eeEbony
writes:QUESTION: Should I be patient with him? I'm a 'single' 30 year old female (with 2 sons ages 8 and 9 - different fathers) and have dated men older than myself (e.g.45yrs) in the past. Been out of a relationship for 2 yrs...was not 'looking' for anyone until... 23 year old Leo shows up in my life (at my house - along with my relative)... he made the first contact and showed interest in me (met my kids). Seeing each other 4months now. When Leo invited me out the first time he said "Why didnt I meet you a long time ago"...and he was also surprised about my age... I ENJOY being with him and he expresses the same to me.Concerns:Long-distance relationship.Live and work 50mls apart.IM each other every day. I am normally the one to call. He calls once in a while (I send him phone credits to use however he likes (of course i hope he uses most on me).I feel I am giving too much. When he doesnt answer the phone or has it turned off - I feel he's with another female - i asked him...he says he's not seeing anyone else. He really hasn't made any committment to me. That is WHAT I need but I dont want to be the one to ASK. After I called him 2 days ago and he didnt answer or called back, i turned off my phone and have not responded to his "how r u' IMs. I guess I feel a bit taken for granted. Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Deema  +, writes (13 June 2008):
 Hi, I've obviously missed loads while I've been away so excuse me if I repeat something you already heard - but way back when I replied to you, I was doing it from experience. When I met my man I thought he was 40 and he thought I was 40 - turns out he was 30 and I was 54!!!! So I know about this age difference stuff. And yes my man - now my husband bless him - looks much older than his age and in the main is far more mature than a normal 30 year old but hey, he still surprises me sometimes when he does something I see as soooooo immature, but its not immature really, he's just being his age, and I have to remember that. Mine also came from a very repressed background so sometimes - like when he just got his first car!!!! he's actually like a teenager - and who can blame him? I'm not criticising, just saying we have to understand them, and with 2 young kids sometimes you need someone to take care of YOU. Just my thoughts. Hope its going well. xx
A
male
reader, rcn  +, writes (12 June 2008):
 Your welcome. I'm glad I could help. Remember too, as far as building yourself up. Your kids needs you. These insecurities take away from your children as well. I helped as lady with PTSD. She's raising children, but her behavior is still affected with the past. She said, she's doing okay with her kids. I told her, I don't want her to be okay, I want her to be 100%, because her children don't deserve any less.
Regarding the past, place your hurts with those who caused them. Get them out of the generalization by forgiving those who caused you hurt. Remember this guy is not the one who caused you pain, so it would be unfair to treat him as if he was.
We all have a past. We all have experience hurt. But our past doesn't determine our future, and a new partner shouldn't be predetermined to cause the same pain as the ones in the past.
Believe me, men go through pain and the same insecurities women do. Keep communication open, and work through issues together. Take care.
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A
female
reader, Minelisse  +, writes (12 June 2008):
 Wow... it seems you have really been able to reflect A LOT on what is going on with you and this is definitely very important for any relationship you are in.
In terms of him, I understand how your previous experience might make you go ballistic on him when he doesn't answer, however, you do have a long distance relationship and you need to acknowledge that. So it's not only that you had a previous experience but also that you need some reassurance from him and some security as to what is happening between the two of you... and this is definitely something he needs to know. Telling him about your insecurities is a tricky deal, I've seen that backfire a lot (ex: i can not b responsible for your past experiences and insecurities -during an argument-). But I am sure you can make a good decision on this one by yourself!!
I think it is good you have backed out a bit. This will make him react and understand you need more than what he is giving. And that is not bad at all. He is going crazy because he didn't know something/what is wrong. On your conversation on Sunday I would focus on getting to know what he wants/need of your relationship and what he is able/not able to provide. Rather than just focusing on him not picking up the phone, I would go for: I don't know where we stand and that makes this difficult for me. I always go for the "I don't need a definition or a label, but I need us to be in the same page and I don't really know where you are at". Has always worked for me! lol... It is then when I kinda force them to open up and when they do you can really know where they are coming from. Even if his answer is along the lines of "we are getting to know each other to see where this is going", then you know at least is going somewhere (undetermined yet). Then I would say something like "well, do you have any idea or time frame on when we could sit down to make a decision". So if he comes with the trial period you try to establish an end date to that trial period.
You definitely don't want to be running around for him! The truth is guys tend to like doing the running around, at least that has been my experience. It doesn't mean you don't "make" things happen, just with them believing they did! My husband believed for a long time he was the one pursuing me and when I told him all the things I did for him to "pursue" me he laughed hysterically... he still laughs about that! So... yes I would be suggestive, sexy, flirty, even put the sad puppy face but by no means come by as a desperate chic. You know what you can offer and if he wants it, he has to work for it!!
Lastly (sorry for keeping on)... I would seek professional help. If your ex scared you with his lying then you need to work on that and I mean really work on that. Your current BF should not pay for what another man did to you and you shouldn't suffer that either. There are a lot of books and resources on this subject so don't let it control your life and ruin your relationships.
Good luck... and keep me posted! LOL
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A
female
reader, LeeEbony +, writes (12 June 2008):
LeeEbony is verified as being by the original poster of the questionTop of the day RCN:
Thanks for your response that steered me towards the ROOT of my issue.
1. my insecurities / 2. my past
my 'loving' feelings of the past died, but the memories/pain linger on
3.
Do you feel it's fair to bring someone into a relationship when you know it will be full of insecurities and distrust?
Ans: No it's not fair. Fairness is a personal value of mine and I realize I am not acting fair to him - I treasure my relationship with him so I AM GOING TO BE FAIR TO HIM by being strong and focus my mind and actions on him being his individual self and give him the chance to be himself with me - without the 'disbelieving' attitude from me.
YOUR RECOMMENDATIONS:
4.
before seeking a commitment, you have some work to do on yourself
5.
CONFRONT YOUR FEARS - if you want to offer all of you to this relationship, and be loving and trusting toward him
thank you!!!
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A
female
reader, LeeEbony +, writes (12 June 2008):
LeeEbony is verified as being by the original poster of the questionGirl Minelisse we havent had our discussion just yet because I responded to him last night that I prefer face-to-face. He said I am making him go crazy cause he has to be where he is working and the only day he can come see me is until Sunday (nature of his work). He says I am hurting him. I thought as much. . .but as for me Im taking it easy and not touching the phone unless it is to RESPOND to his IMs, not initiating ANYTHING. Talking to you and all my agony aunts/uncle...I also realize that I am still carrying with me something horrible. My ex lied like crazy to me and that was what really hurt me in the past... and even though I have healed a lot, it is difficult for me at this time to believe my current boyfriend. (I must need psych. help...:-) but for real I would hear what he is saying one moment and he thinks i believe him because i act like i do, but the next moment, especially when he doesnt answer his phone, I go on THINK ROAD... ballistics and all... wondering what the TRUTH really is (And God knows the guy must have told me the truth but I am so freaking paranoid...about lies i believed in the past). Do u think I should explain that to him? That I need him to understand why it is difficult for me to 'BELIEVE' him. ?
I too want to be with him but I dont want to appear to be a desperate chic. Dont want to be doing the running after (when u want something bad enough u go after it... but I want to be patient:-) I want to control my emotions this time around (I am a silent sufferer - kinda - so i chose to 'speak' to my net aunties/uncle). We do make the most of each other when we are together and when we're apart we IM and call each other....yes, but the moment he doesnt answerrrrrrRRRRRR. I love you, Leo.
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A
female
reader, Minelisse +, writes (12 June 2008):
So... how did it go???? LOL.... I'm bitting my nails! ;)
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A
female
reader, LeeEbony +, writes (11 June 2008):
LeeEbony is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks again Minelisse. Dont you have a way with words! No babe you're not cruel at all...in fact I appreciated very much what you had to say (paraphrase). Smile.
Finally turned my phone on just to IM him a few hrs ago... that I would like to speak with him when he can see me. (we dont see each other as often as we'd like since we live and work miles from each other). He responded that he will come and see me as soon as he can and that he's praying for me. he goes to church, no smoking/drinking... has good values... listenig to him speak everytime i get the sense that his father's untimely death had a big impact on him...he really looked up to his father... and it appears that he wants to be just like him... a good man. always says he prays for me.
You had me thinking (still thinking)... and it makes me realize that I am missing him and that I am wishing we spent more time together. I am looking forward to having this 'nice deep talk' with him. I think I know how to go about the discussion, etc... but if you have any pointers on what to say and how to say them pls share them with me.
I am grateful to you.
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A
female
reader, Minelisse +, writes (11 June 2008):
Hi there... didn't mean to sound cruel, I was just repeating what you said in your post in other words that might be more difficult to read coming from someone else.
I said:
1. you are the one pursuing something else
You said:
"I am normally the one to call. He calls once in a while (I send him phone credits to use however he likes (of course i hope he uses most on me"
I said:
2. he has no commitment whatsoever with you.
You said:
"He really hasn't made any committment to me. That is WHAT I need but I dont want to be the one to ASK."
I said:
3. he can go out with you and anyone else he'd like
You said:
"he says he's not seeing anyone else. He really hasn't made any committment to me."
Finally you stated "I feel I am giving too much" and "I guess I feel a bit taken for granted". We females tend to have a certain instinct about these type of stuff. Although we might try to look for the bright side like the laughs you might share, or the conversations, there is something bothering you and you think something is not going well with this relationship.
I really hope you are able to sort this out and I am truly sorry that what I posted came out too harsh, but it is just what I got from what you posted earlier. Have a nice deep talk with him to see where he thinks your relationship is going/not going before you continue to invest yourself into it. Good luck!
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A
female
reader, misfitschik66  +, writes (11 June 2008):
 i agree with what you say i belive that if you want communication you should seek it from him ask questions make conversation even if it has nothing to do with anything explain to him you want a commitment dont pressure him though you have to make a connection if you FEEL in your heart he is THE guy but he doesent want to commit right now your kinda stuck waiting for him because you can't just make a guy commit belive me lol
i tried and it ended horribly all i can say is good luck
i hope in the NEAR future this guy you say is for you can commit and give you all you need for you AND your children =D
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A
female
reader, LeeEbony +, writes (11 June 2008):
LeeEbony is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you Minelisse for hitting me square between the eyes. Yes, he keeps saying he feels comfortable being around me...
I know I have shared a lot with him (giving) ... I cant say he is not really giving that much back... because he shares with me what he can (e.g. fun times together - priceless)... but communication when he is away is sore.
I am keeping these other comments of yours on my plate and start digesting and see how it goes:
1. you are the one pursuing something else
2. he has no commitment whatsoever with you.
3. he can go out with you and anyone else he'd like
I am thinking.
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A
female
reader, LeeEbony +, writes (11 June 2008):
LeeEbony is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you misfitschik66:
THIS GUY JUST ISNT READY... sometimes i have a hard time accepting the truth.... hmmmm.... I have always been inclined towards 'OLDER'... but somehow 'Younger' slipped in unannounced and I am interested in HIM (not because he's 'younger' but because he has qualities I like and he is very loving towards me... only his communication needs improvment). We have fun together.
I do realize that I am getting older - but I have to consider my 'NEW' feelings ...
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A
female
reader, LeeEbony +, writes (11 June 2008):
LeeEbony is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you Deema:
I agree with you that 'He's very young, maybe not ready for the commitment I want'.
I feel I have SHOCKED him by doing something I have never done before... No phone cards.... and I feel like a cruel b***h for switching my phone off and not responding to his messages... just left him hanging. I believe what I wanted to do was SHOUT at him and tell him something like 'ANSWER ME WHEN I TALK TO YOU...I HAVE TOLD YOU ALREADY HOW IT MAKES ME FEEL WHEN YOU DONT ANSWER ME'... but instead I just sent him an IM that I need time to think...and then I SHUT DOWN without responding to him.
Contrary to the immaturity you see in him - I have experiences with him that show he is 'mature' enough. His father died just when he was about to start college so he had to work his way thru to earn that part of his education ... now that he's working he is financially assisting his mother and sister(in school). Phone credits ... i hear u loud and clear...hmmm... right let me cut that out.
MY KIDS - yes they are MOST important to me... and I see him as a perfect role model for them ... the only issues I have with him are (1) I am seeking a commitment at this time - and he hasnt ASKED ME (not marriage) (2) I need an improvement in communication. (3) I had stopped looking for the 'right' person until he came along... how the heck could he have grabbed and kept my interest and now have me Dear-Cupiding....hmmm. ? ? ?
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A
female
reader, LeeEbony +, writes (11 June 2008):
LeeEbony is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you rcn : I am seeing that light now...BOTTOMLINE: I do need to confront my fears (major fear that I will be strung along)!!!
THE PAST: was involved with a married man who had another woman in his life so I was Sweeheart#2. For 7 years. Hell happened eventually. That killed me. Took 2 years to heal (better now).
I must admit that I do sound dependent - in fact I have been a loner for the past 2 years and it felt good - but now that I met Mr. 23 I have news for myself. Before him I have NEVER dated anyone younger than myself. He looks about 28 and acts mature - he seems to have a lot of the qualities I look for in a soulmate. I genuinely care about him - I want to be FAIR to him (when I think of my age and that I have kids already and have experienced more of life...THE 7 year affair included). Since the word GO we have been slow about everything (we kiss and cuddle only - no sex...i have no problem with this... i njoy)... progressive disclosure too... still getting to know each other. I am an intuitive person and to understand who he is and what his goals are in life, I ask him SOME of the hard questions (he is shy). He asks me hard questions too.
I also don't check up on him like a mad woman - its just the times when he doesnt respond that makes me tic. On those occasions I explained to him how it makes me feel. I am not 'crazy' about him - I am being 'careful' in sharing my love with him.
I feel I should speak with him about how I am feeling right now... including my expectations in the near future. Since I have purposedly turned off my phone for the past 3 days and not responded to his IMs I think I may have hurt his feelings... for the very first time. Should I engage in a face-face discussion with him?
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A
male
reader, rcn +, writes (10 June 2008):
You're a weeee bit dependant. You said you NEED. Why do you feel you need a commitment after 4 months? Why are you insecure? You feel as if he's with another woman. What's happened to you in the past to cause you to have these insecurities? You have children you're taking care of. Do you want your insecurities to pass on to them?
I believe, before seeking a commitment, you have some work to do on yourself. Do you feel it's fair to bring someone into a relationship when you know it will be full of insecurities and distrust? the more you check up on, the less you'll have of you to offer the relationship.
If you want to offer all of you to this relationship, and be loving and trusting toward him, you first need to confront your fears that are causing the insecurity in the first place.
Take care.
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A
female
reader, Deema +, writes (10 June 2008):
He's very young, maybe not ready for the commitment you want. You are far more mature and have 2 kids to think about. He is almost behaving like one of them. It seems you are also treating him like a son, paying for his phone cards etc, so yes he is not respecting you and is taking you for granted. So give him the shock he needs. Don't sit there waiting for him. Get on with your own life, with your own kids, who are the most important people here. Sooner or later the right person WILL turn up, but doesn't sound like this is him. This one needs to grow up, and you don't need to be around to be his baby sitter, you've got enough on your plate, and you managed this far without him. Go to it girl. You can do better than this. It will only end it tears. Take back your power and control. You don't need this. Good luck.
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A
female
reader, misfitschik66 +, writes (10 June 2008):
he is 23 and you are 30 and have two children he is still pretty young maybe you should look for someone more older one that is ready for commitment and is ready to be a father figure or even has his own kids that way you can both be happy and committment isent a problem considering you are both older
it seems to me like this guy just isent ready and just wants a girlfriend to go out and have fun with time to time and not have to commit
your only getting older so why wait? go out and have fun and find someone who can give you what you need!!
good luck hun~~ wish you the best!
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A
female
reader, Minelisse +, writes (10 June 2008):
It sounds you have given a lot and he is not really giving that much back. You are creating a situation that is very comfortable to him as you give him the minutes to call you (and anyone else), you are the one pursuing something else and he has no commitment whatsoever with you. He can go out with you and anyone else he'd like (even if he is not doing so right now). Sounds really good for one of you!
Good luck!
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