A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My brother-in-law, Sean, is extremely close to his nieces and nephew (his brother and I are the parents of his oldest niece and nephew). He takes them to all the fun places (the Aquarium, the zoo, Chuck E Cheese, different parks, the movie theater, est.).We have asked him to come on vacations with us. Not to be the official babysitter, but he is a major part of our family and we all want him there with us. He goes on plenty of vacations by himself as a solo traveler (he is a single guy with no sons or daughters of his own). But sadly, everytime we ask him, he says something like "No, I have to work during that time". I would like to talk to him about why he always refuses to go on vacations with us. Should we ask Sean why he always refuses to go on vacations with us? If so, how should we bring it up? Reply to this Question
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (19 October 2019): OP, your BIL is a single grown adult man. The man wants to do single man things on vacation ie eye up women, meet women, party with women, and yes maybe sleep with a woman! His no, means NO! I doubt that he has in mind, eyeing up his SIL, even if she does act obsessed with having him there! You are truly acting creepy about this! This man likes to travel alone, so he can do exactly what he wants, right when he wants! The man may think that you are coming on to him. I mean how many times must you hear No, to understand NO? What if a man wants sex with a lady, and she says No? Should he keep asking repeatedly until she breaks and gives in? No, Not Ok! He already knows it is a standing invitation, so leave the poor guy alone, please! Best wishes for you and your family OP!
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male
reader, Billy Bathgate +, writes (18 October 2019):
It’s nice that you want to include your BiL in your family time. But it sounds as if he has told you repeatedly that he doesn’t want to vacation with you. Leave him alone and enjoy your time with your family.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 October 2019): More to the point why are you so insistent on your brother in law coming along?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 October 2019): I think just take the hint and stop asking. There's a big difference between a day trip with someone else's kids and a whole week. I'm sure he wants to save his vacation time for his own holiday plans.
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (17 October 2019):
 Gee, I wonder why he turns down your invitations to join you for vacations ! I mean, which single adult male would not be thrilled to spend a week or two of his hard earned vacations in the constant company of , and adjusting to the schedule and the needs of, two children, as opposed to enjoying the company of like- minded, age- appropriate adults with whom he can talk about something more than Barbie dolls or cartoons characters. I mean, it's not like a single male in his 20s, or 30s, or 40s might want to have some privacy and freedom of movement. Of course he can't be interested in , say, meeting women and maybe bringing one back to his place for the night, - more than in watching a Scooby- Do marathon with niece and nephew. Of course he would not want to go to bars with other males for a drink, or three, or five . No need for him to go to fine restaurants when he can enjoy Chucky Cheese 's cuisine, or to go dancing in clubs when he can do the Hokie Pokie at home with the kiddies. As for sports or adrenalinic stuff- motorcycles ,horses, water-skiing, parasailing , whatnot - sure, a day spent at the wading pool or at the hotel water slide is an enticing alternative.
Look, I am sure your chidren are adorable, and that they deserve being adored . And I am sure that Sean is the perfect Uncle and that he loves them to bits - a few hours at a time , or for the very occasional weekend. But he still is a single childless male. He does not need, and I'd bet anything ,he does not want a 24 / 7 full immersion in family life. Chances are , like, 98 % chances, that no matter how much he loves you all you guys- he's got his own thing to do , in terms of intellectual, emotional and physical pleasures- and this is very normal, logical and natural.
Then again, maybe I am biased. I guess it's clear that , if I were Sean, I would feel pressured and displeased by your insistence , and surprised that you just can't take a hint. But maybe it's just me , ok. Maybe the reason actually IS that he's got to work and he can't possibly join you due to work / social committments. Ok, but… you asked him several times already , and he always said : no.
Enough is enough. Whatever his reasons, please cease. Desist. Don't ask again. Sean must know by now that he would be very welcome to join you, so in future , if he will have the wish , and the time, to join your family vacation, I am sure he won't stand on ceremonies and he will ask you himself.
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A
male
reader, no nonsense Aidan  +, writes (17 October 2019):
Whilst I agree with the general sentiment of previous answers, I think you deserve some credit here too for wanting to make your brother-in-law welcome and a part of your holidays. In all likelihood, however, if you try to ask him why he refuses it will probably come across as challenging and even a bit confrontational. The chances are that, if he works, he has limited time off and if he enjoys his solo travels he probably doesn’t have the time off to do both. Also, however well-meaning you are, he might feel in the way. I’m a single guy that is quite comfortable to go out with coupled up friends and relations, but would I feel like I was intruding a little if I joined them on their holidays? To be honest, probably yes, especially if as well as or aside from being their family break it was also their main opportunity as a couple for their own quality time.
Here’s what I think you should do: next time you organise a vocation, invite him as usual. Once you have his response, I think you should explain to him that you will always let him know when you plan to take vocations and that whilst there’s no pressure, if he ever wants to join you on one of these he need only say the word. And be clear that you all want him there. Also, remember to tell him how much what he already does for you all means and how much he is loved by everyone. I suspect that it means a lot to him that you ask, even if his response is no.
I wish you all the very best.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 October 2019): No, you would be putting him on the spot. He doesn't have to explain himself to you, my boyfriend was in the same position and declined every time, theres a limit and that's his, accept it, its clearly nothing personal and its about you not him.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (17 October 2019): I am a bit like that. I avoid going out with groups as I feel I become restricted by them and have to fall in line with what they decide to do. I hate the constant bickering on what to do or where to go even in which restaurant to eat. It is much easier to do these things when you are alone.
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reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (16 October 2019):
 I think you should be grateful your son and daughter have such a loving, hands-on uncle and leave him to take the vacations he knows are best for him. How he chooses to spend his leisure time is none of your business.
To me, it sounds like he enjoys his own company and going on vacation alone gives him time to do exactly as he pleases and to recharge his batteries. Perhaps he feels drained by having people around him all the time. He makes exception for his nieces and nephews, because he loves them, but have you considered he may not want to feel trapped with the adults of the family? (I can totally identify with that!)
Give him credit for being a fab uncle and leave him to take what vacations he likes.
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 October 2019): You answered your own question. He is a single-guy and goes solo on vacations. There is no further questioning necessary. He may love his niece and nephew, but he's still an adult.
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female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (16 October 2019):
 I think you should leave him be.
I think it's nice to ASK him if he is interested, but do have some respect for HIS right to CHOOSE if he wants to join you all on vacation or not.
Maybe he really enjoys your family, but that doesn't mean he wants to go on vacation with your family.
I can guess why, if he is single he might feel like the odd man out or the vacation you guys take is just not what HE likes to do with his time off.
HE DOESN'T owe you an explanation!
Just accept that he doesn't WANT to join you.
That isn't so hard!
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