A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Last night I asked a girl that I like very much and have very strong feelings for to be my girlfriend. In spanish we have a great interim between liking and loving called "te quiero mucho". That's where we are right now. We've been seeing each other on and off for the past two years, have already slept together, and I really wanted to make that commitment. I always found myself thinking of her when I was out with other women and think she is a beautiful, funny, kind, and smart woman among so many other qualities.She said yes and I was ecstatic last night. It felt like the right thing to do. But I just woke up with feelings of anxiety. Cold sweat, jitters, like I did something wrong. I unfortunately have had this kind of anxiety every time I have sex for the first time with someone, and now I just got the same feeling with this.I'm 32 and she's 28. I haven't been in a formal relationship since I was 25. I've slept with and dated several women, but she's only my third girlfriend ever. My mother has also been extremely disapproving of every relationship I've been in and I didn't even tell her last night. I'm planning on telling her today.Why do I feel anxious? I'm starting to think I fear commitment now. We dated for 5 straight months the first time and I never felt like this. Now that's she's my girlfriend a year and a half later I'm suddenly anxious. We've had our rough spots too during the time we've been a apart where she would distance herself from me because of her work. So maybe I fear that too? She's also currently living between two states in Mexico and I might be moving to the US (but still more than willing to see her) I'm a mess right now. I feel I should be on cloud nine but I don't. But last night when I was with her and she said yes it felt amazing. I want to be close to someone. I want to have that adult relationship experience. I want to be loved in the romantic sense. Go on trips with her, be with her. But I'm afraid. I'm anxious. I'm sorry for the rambling and confusing post and I appreciate any thoughts and advice. Thank you so much.
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male
reader, N91  +, writes (30 October 2019):
 Good luck man, enjoy the journey ????
A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 October 2019): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you. I'm glad that anxiousness is a normal part of commitment.
I'm honestly looking forward to it now. I'm truly and honestly sick of casual dating. Sleeping with random people on Tinder seemed so empty.
I'm excited for a meaningful relationship and can't wait to see what the future brings.
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A
male
reader, no nonsense Aidan +, writes (17 October 2019):
Anxiety is normal. This is new for you. You’ve made a significant commitment to someone and you take it very seriously. You see other people entering new relationships and they look like the happiest people on earth, wondering around with huge smiles on their faces. This doesn’t mean that they don’t have fears and anxieties underneath too. What if it doesn’t work? What if one of us gets hurt? What if we find that we end up wanting different things?
The important thing is to try and manage this anxiety. The best way to do that is having good communication, being open about how you feel about things and what’s going on in your lives. As you grow in your trust with each other and feel more comfortable, you’ll realise that if you are both running in to trouble, you’ll probably spot it and can figure out what to do. That will take away the fear of the unknown – the looming disaster you are terrified is around the corner, that always comes when you open up and make yourself vulnerable. Keep working at it and making effort and with time you’ll ease into this new romance more. Oh, and enjoy it! :)
I wish you all the very best.
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A
male
reader, N91 +, writes (17 October 2019):
It’s normal, I felt the same a few times with my GF. I was 26 when we made it official and she is my first ever GF. I really enjoyed my single years and always said I wouldn’t get into a relationship for the sake of it so I took my time choosing the right person. I never used to really gather feelings for girls, there’s only been 3-4 in my past that I’d hoped for more with but it didn’t happen for whatever reason but this time it did and I was glad about it.
We’ve been together for 2 years the Tuesday just gone and I’ll be honest there’s been times where I’ve thought to myself am I ready for this? Growing up and settling down buying a house together and having one partner for the rest of my life? Then I remember how much she loves me, how caring she is, how much confidence and safety she instils in me and it makes me think that no amount of meaningless sexual encounters and chatting to other girls could make up for that do I know I’ve made the right decision and the feeling passes.
We can’t live our lives having 1 night stands forever, it can be more fun and easier when you’re younger but what about when you want to start a family? When you find a good partner, don’t let her go unless there is a VERY valid reason.
Ride it out, if the feeling passes it’s all good, if not then maybe you’re not as compatible as you thought.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 October 2019): You're crossing-over into uncharted-territory. Commitment!
It's normal to get the jitters, if you're not used to being committed to one person. It's a big step, and requires a lot of maturity and responsibility. You are now responsible for another person's feelings. You are now required to be faithful. You are now a part of something meaningful and good.
Monogamy in the 21st-century is very scary for both men and women. Don't forget, she's also taking a risk; and probably has a little trepidation on her side as well. Some men are terrible about being faithful; and they'll easily cheat under the least amount of pressure. Worried about how they (you) could mess it up; and not so much as to how she'll hurt you. Trust yourself. You've come this far!
Be very very careful; because too much anxiety will make you sabotage the relationship, before it has a chance to become well-established. You have to man-up, and put aside your boyish-tendencies and fears. Limiting your faithfulness and love to one-individual is also a test of your strength in character, manhood, and ability to earn and maintain trust. So why wouldn't you be a little scared? You're also putting your own feelings on the line!
Fear is the unfounded-expectation that something bad "is going to happen;" with no evidence or forewarning to confirm that it will happen.
You have to take a risk. It's the only way you'll find the true-love of your life. You have to do it, if you want back what you're giving. You're a big-boy, and you can handle this.
Keep your mother's influence out of your business. If you're a mama's-boy, she will control your life; and ruin one relationship after another. If she has no man in her life, or your father has abandoned her; she will consider every female in your life a threat. The more she knows you love that female, the more threatened she will feel. She will also sabotage your relationships by creating tension and competing for your affections. She'll see to it that your partner never feels her approval; and will interfere by forcing you to prove your loyalty and respect. That isn't proven by allowing her to dispose of all your girlfriends!
It's unnatural. She has to find herself a man, if she doesn't have one, not use her son.
I'm not implying anything here, just stating a few brutal-facts. Mothers are awesomely protective and loving. It's when it goes too far, that a grown-man has to show he's now a man, not a boy any longer. You choose your own mates, right or wrong. It's your life, you get to decide. You do not dismiss her good-advice. You test it for accuracy, and to see if it is applicable. You don't blindly take her word without question. You're not a child.
You are 32 years-old. Time to cut the umbilical-cord, and let your testicles drop!
You can love your mother and your girlfriend at the same time. If she feels threatened and starts to become a wedge; be man enough to ask her to stop, and stand-up to her. That's also one of your unfounded-fears; because you think it will make her feel less loved, or disrespected. No, she will exploit that guilt if you let her. Mothers will do that sometimes.
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