A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Been in a relationship with a girl for 5 years now... she's my second long-term girlfriend. Before I met her I was into porn, and lad mags, and generally just liked looking at women all the time. After I ended my relationship with my first long term girlfriend, I stopped looking at those things altogether (don't know why, I just lost interest). A few months later, my current gf came along.So now we've been together for 5 years, and about a year ago I started to become less sexually interested in her... I mean, sex can only be interesting with one person for so long, after a while you learn every move that pleases them and you go through every position you can think of, and you just get tired of the way that they feel and sound and taste. I still love her but I am not sexually aroused by her anymore. So once this started to happen, I started looking at porn again... a lot. Every day, sometimes more. She's asked me before if I look at porn, and I have said no. She believes me, but I am very good at hiding things, especially since we don't live together.I have got lots of lad mags around my apartment, that I started collecting again a year ago (I tossed my old ones out)... Maxim, FHM, Stuff, and so on, and she sees them and I think it makes her a bit jealous (normal, right, the women in those magazines are insanely sexy and most women would be nervous, I think)- but so far my porn viewing has not caused any "serious" problems. She doesnt get on my case about it... But now I have found that I cannot even fake sexual arousal... I used to be able to get hard, by thinking about someone else while we were having sex, but my performance has started to suffer... She really doesn't arouse me, but I don't know what to do, because I love her a lot, I honestly think she is my soulmate.She's started dieting and exercising, she wasn't fat before but she was no "porn star" (a bit of extra around the middle and a bit too big thighs)... she is looking better... Should I just wait for her body to "improve"? Or buy viagra? Or maybe ask her to let me watch porn while we have sex? I would like opinions please... breaking up with her would break my heart... I doubt I'll ever find a girl I have such a strong intellectual/emotional connection with, so this problem is starting to eat me alive.
View related questions:
jealous, porn, soulmate, viagra Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 March 2011): First of all, OP, I just wanted to comment on a few of your quotes from your post that I hope will be useful to you. I know this is an old thread, but I'd still like to think I can help out.
"After I ended my first long term relationship, I stopped looking at those things all together (don't know why, I just lost interest)."
Well, maybe you should think about why. Perhaps if you figured why you weren't interested in porn at the time, it would help you to not look at it now. And trust me, you'd be better off without it, (but I'll get into that more in a bit).
"I mean, sex can only be interesting with one person for so long"
If you feel that way, then maybe you really shouldn't be in a long term relationship. My reason being is with your outlook, it wouldn't matter who you're with, you'd get tired of her after awhile. Also, I know you're not gonna wanna hear this, but I'm gonna say it anyway: Looking at porn is NOT gonna help your situation. If anything, porn is just making it worse. Why? Because you're comparing her to the women you see and in your eyes, she doesn't measure up. How is that gonna help restore your attraction for her? Constantly viewing other women naked whom you find more sexually appealing to get your fill is a just foolish and childish "solution".
"she sees them and I think it makes her a bit jealous (normal, right, the women in those magazines are insanely sexy and most women would be nervous, I think)- but so far my porn viewing has not caused any "serious" problems. She doesnt get on my case about it..."
No, the women in those magazines are MADE TO LOOK insanely sexy. Plastic surgery, fake tanning, hair extensions, make-up, and airbrushing can do wonders. In reality, they are imperfect just like every other human on the planet. Your girlfriend, for example, (supposing she had the money), could go and have some plastic surgery to correct her body's imperfections, cake on her make up, add some hair extensions, go tanning, then pose for a men's magazine and guess what? With all that plus photoshop she'd look just as good and have thousands of guys jerking off to her as well. Then how would you feel about porn? I'm guessing if you love her as much as you say you do, then that would bother you to no end. As for her not getting on your case, that in no way means she doesn't care that you do it. It simply means she knows there's no use in saying anything, because you won't change. She's probably smart enough to realize you'd simply start hiding it better, and that's about it.
"She's started dieting and exercising, she wasn't fat before but she was no "porn star"
Well, to be fair, do you look like the guys in porn? I'm guessing not. (By the way, they're fake as well, but that's not the point)
"Or maybe ask her to let me watch porn while we have sex?"
Oh, yeah, that will do wonders for her self esteem. NOT! Why don't you just put a knife through her heart? Sure, you'd enjoy the sex more, but what enjoyment could she possibly get out of it knowing you're getting off on some plastic bimbo on the computer screen while using her body? What woman in her right mind would find that a turn-on?
And what right do you think you have to use her body especially when you claim to love her? I'll tell you what, NONE. You have the right as an adult to watch porn, but keep it between you and your hand.
Lastly, your age is listed as being in your 30s but from reading this, I never would have guessed. I would have guessed late teens at most. You, sir, have some growing up to do.
A
male
reader, yankit  +, writes (22 April 2010):
As much as we guys WISH women liked porn as much as we do...it will Never happen. they are "above it all" The sad truth is women are not really into sex like guys. They want intamacy and cuddling more than real physical things . We are visual "creatures" they are all about feelings and mystical things they learned in fairy tails. Why else would an entire half of the population begin planning a wedding ceremony when they're 12 years old but at age 50 say no to any types of sex
...............................
A
female
reader, happychick99  +, writes (18 January 2009):
NO
She is expecting to be made love to: that should take your full attention.
If it doesn't, and you need porn, then maybe you have to accept you are with the wrong person.
She certainly is: I do not feel valued with a swagger of company, albeit on screen, I do not feel valued when I am patently now exciting enough.
Finally, if you don't turn yourself on, how do you think you can turn someone else on?
The word ryhmes with banker, and the activity is for solitary time, not when you are meant to be meaningfully engaged in HAVING FUN with and getting TUNED IN to your mate.
So many women put up with this 2nd best treatment, for whatever reason: it doesn't get better, it only gets worse.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 April 2008): you have a seariuos problem, you r addicted to porn, u need counselling, porn destroys relationships, porn has destroyed my relationship of 6 years, my boyfriend like you used to be obessed with porn and i let him know it made me feel ugly and damaged any self esteem i had, to this day i hate anything to do with porn and sex and men, i mean come on you're thinking about another woman when you're supposed to be in love with someone else, you dont love her if u can do this, this is devastating to a womans image of herself, let her go and be with someone that will truly love her and accept her no matter her flaws. grow up .
...............................
A
male
reader, DoubleM +, writes (29 March 2008):
 I must agree with most everyone answering here that pornography is at least exacerbating your problem. You don't mention it, and "Uncle Phil" hinted at it, but if you are obsessed with porn you are likely self-satisfying yourself a lot too. An excess of masturbation can definitely affect your sex life with your girlfriend as well. In my opinion, you need to ditch the porn and let your girlfriend do the stimulation, and possibly introduce more variety including oral activities if not already being enjoyed.
...............................
A
female
reader, lilmisse2424 +, writes (29 March 2008):
 You should be honest and tell her how you feel, but tell her in a nice way, so that you don't blame her. She is likely going to be disappointed, but that would allow here to research and find other ways to spice things up, or who knows, if you both sit down and watch some porn flicks that may help. It may also depend on her and how she feels about porn. Most women, in general, would feel uncomfortable with porn being played while having sex.
What is important now, is working together as a couple, and the more you work together, the better your relationship will be and you can work something out.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 March 2008): sorry but you have no resect for your woman, any woman and even less for yourself....
Dont you realise that your addiction to the unrealistic women and sex in porn has umbed you to a real life woman...you have rendered yourself unable to have a real woman by allowing your mind to become pornified...I feel so sorry for your partner...do her a favour tell her the truth and allow her to have a real relationship with a man who keeps porn away from pollutng his mnd and is capable f a healthy loving sexual relationship
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 March 2008): Porn is the problem, not your woman. And how the heck do you think she'd react if you asked her "can I watch porn while we have sex because you don't turn me on" What a mean thing to say. I hope that you can go get some counseling b/c I think that you have a problem with this. If my man said that to me, I'd be so offended that there would be no way I could stay with him. If you love her, tell her that you have a porn addiction & need to get help with it. But never tell her that you don't want her or that you think of other women so you can get an erection. That's awful. Women are a lot more self conscious about their bodie's than you could imagine, and that would hurt her more than anything.
...............................
A
female
reader, Gena Bullock +, writes (28 March 2008):
 get viagra, and in the meantime, talk to her about it. Let her know it is bothering you and you WANT this relationship to last........but, you NEED her help in doing so. Something like this can take teamwork to make it work. DO it and be honest about it. ITs' the best way to be for a soulmate!!!!!
Best, Gena
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 March 2008): I agree with whatevergirl26. Tell her the truth and let her decide if she even wants to be with you. She might not want to continue a relationship with someone that doesn't find her attractive. Which is basically what you are saying, by the way. She deserves to be with someone that actually wants to have sex with her.
...............................
A
female
reader, Dawnie +, writes (28 March 2008):
 My god, i would be insulted if my husband needed porn to have sex with me. You have problems mate, you are obsessed with a woman's looks, how about personality? So what your g/f does not look like a porn star, i doubt she would want to. Not every woman is so insecure they have to go and have boob jobs etc that these bimbos have done so they all look the same. A relationship is not just based on sex, there is love, commitment, enjoying one anothers company. I have been married 16 years and if my husband had to get porn out for us because i did not turn him on he would soon be my ex. Forget the porn and concentrate on your g/f, find out what she likes, maybe act out fantasies together and get it out of your head that women have to look a certain way. Sorry to say this but unless your attitude changes you could well be on your own.
...............................
A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (28 March 2008):
 I think I understand why you think porn would help you get aroused with your girlfriend, but I have to say that if she is feeling in any insecure about her attractiveness to you, this will not help her. She will be feeling inadequate enough, and watching you watch these women who are immaculately manicured with perfect bodies with no squishy bits, will not help her self confidence in the slightest. Most porn looks pretty sleazy to women, and it is usually so focused on the men's pleasure and very little on the women's pleasure, that the whole experience for her will probably be one of sheer discomfort.
I guess you could ask her to have a look at some of your mags, and ask the question, but I just think this will not be her cup of tea....
If you're feeling like things are blah, and the same, and you're bored, maybe it's time to take her somewhere fun, a mini-break to a sunny beach or a cycling trip or a ski vacation before the snow all goes away. Get your bodies moving and your hearts pounding. Bring along some tasty massage oils, or schedule a couples massage, and just get reacquainted with each other's bodies. Flirt with her like you did when you were new in the relationship.
Take Yos' advice and stop looking at porn for a bit, let your natural tension build up, then find a really new way to approach lovemaking. Be creative! Don't let the porn spoonfeed you the same old same old. Which would you rather have, her or the mags?
Best of luck to you.
...............................
A
female
reader, natasia +, writes (28 March 2008):
 ps
meant also to say I agree with Yos that the bloody porn doesn't help - it definitely has to go. It's such a quick fix, so instantly arousing and so addictive, and it spoils you for the longer more natural kind of arousal of actually engaging with someone. A bit like having a KFC instead of sea bass and a rocket salad. You know which is actually nicer, but the KFC ruins you for anything else.
: )
Ditch the porn.
...............................
A
female
reader, natasia +, writes (28 March 2008):
You know, I'm very impressed by what you say. It's so honest. Refreshingly so!
OK. You have to crack the sex thing, somehow. How about a complete veto on the porn - absolutely not allowing yourself any at all - and waiting until she gets fitter? Starving yourself of any kind of sex, too, for a while? (a short while, but enough that it bites)
And can you back-track a bit with where you've got with her in bed? You've done everything, tried everything ... can you go back to just, eg, giving her a back massage? Just focusing on one small area of her, just her shoulders, the nape of her neck, i don't know, anywhere you like, and kind of communing with that ... (sounds stupid, but I think it works). I think you need a several-pronged attack on yourself here, as it were. Deprivation. Focus. Establishing a new dynamic where you can't just have what you want. And her going down the gym is good, too. Encourage her to buy some new underwear. (such a cliche, but desperate times, desperate measures?)
Worth a try?
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 March 2008): Viagra doesn't work unless there's sexual arousal. It doesn't give you an automatic hard on, so let's dispel that myth for a start. You need to be sexually excited for it to work.
Ask yourself how YOU would feel if she asked you if you'd mind if she watched a porn film with a black 12 incher in it to get her turned on before and during sex with you. You'd feel really great after a comment like that, would you not?
Tread very carefully my friend, otherwise the only relationship you'll have in future will be with your five-fingered lover.
...............................
A
male
reader, Yos  +, writes (28 March 2008):
 You've come to the conclusion that your girlfriend doesn't arouse you, so you need porn to get aroused. But you should consider another possibility: that using porn is causing you to not be aroused by your girlfriend.
A lot of research has been done into this. The results are almost always the same: using porn reduces a mans desire for his partner, reduces how sexually aroused he is by her, and reduces his satisfaction with their sex life. Now most men reading this immediately say "well that doesn't apply to me", but to be frank that's because men don't like to face up to the idea that their use of porn is bad for their relationships. And they don't like to do that because they don't want to stop using porn.
So my suggestion is to stop looking at porn, stop reading 'lads mags', and stop fantasizing about other women. You may find (and given i've been in your situation and this advice i'm giving worked for me) that your desire for your partner starts to increase as your sexual desire becomes more focussed on her and less on an endless array of retouched teenagers with their legs spread for you.
The other thing you should do is focus on improving the intimacy between your and your girlfriend. Strong intimacy triggers very intense emotions that are great for reinvigorating a faded sex life.
...............................
A
female
reader, whatevergirl26 +, writes (28 March 2008):
 uhm that really sucks. u should be totally honest with her and leave it up to her if she wants to be with you or not cause for me i would want to move on to someone that was into me sexually because even the fact of an emotional connections should be even more attractive. but don't lie. she will really be hurt by u doing that she is a person with feelings needs and desires. good luck with that.
...............................
A
female
reader, CharmmyKitty +, writes (28 March 2008):
 Well for starters, even though this will be a touchy subject for a girl, you ought to express to her your concerns. Communication is essential to any relationship, and by the sounds of it, you really want things to work out.
You might want to start out by telling her how much she means to you, and that you'd never want to break up. Instead of telling her you're bored with her sexually, say something less harsh like 'i feel like our sex life has lost its spark' so that it doesnt put the blame on her. She might be disappointed to hear this, but she really can't hold it against you if it's your honest feelings. Knowing this, she might do a little researching and find some ideas to spice things up. Or you might suggest that you both watch some porn flicks together. Who knows, but if you're as close as a couple as it seems, you'll be able to work something out together.
...............................
|
