A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I met a guy two years ago who I started to fall for, despite me being in a relationship. I confessed to my boyfriend and he was very upset. He wanted me to stop contacting the other guy, so I did. I told him that I had chosen to stick with the life and partner that I have, and that I couldn't talk to him any more. It wasn't difficult to cut contact, as he was in another country. We met while I was working abroad, shortly before I came home.He emailed me a couple of times saying he missed me, but I didn't reply, and the last one was over a year ago.But now that coronavirus has reached my country, he has emailed again to ask if I'm safe. Part of me wants to reply "I'm fine, but please don't contact me again" just to put his mind at rest, but I know my boyfriend wouldn't be happy if he knew. And I wanted this guy to move on, but he signed off with "miss you", so I'm worried that he hasn't and I will do more harm by feeding that. I wish him the best, but I don't want to stir up trouble. But I know that at this difficult time, people want to check in and make sure that people they care about are doing okay. Would it do more harm than good to send the reply above? Or would it be kinder to put his mind at rest? I am a huge worrier, so I keep imagining how I would feel if I asked someone if they were okay and they never replied. I feel guilty for not saying anything, so I'm torn.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 April 2020): This is the OP. Thanks again for your responses. I think I just needed a chance to discuss this. Since getting your reassurance that I should ignore the emsil, I've been feeling less guilty and thinking about it much less. It had been weighing so heavily on my mind, it was really quite upsetting me. Normally I'd turn to my boyfriend to talk over what's on my mind, but obviously that wasn't a good idea. I hope I'll stop thinking about it altogether soon enough.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 March 2020): Don't agree. Any person who sees another person as a threat to their relationship would do exactly as your boyfriend did. Male anon is wrong. OP's boyfriend is not to blame. OP is to blame for putting him in that position to begin with!!!
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (30 March 2020): Your boyfriend's big mistake was making you promise not to contact this guy . He only made contacting this guy more desireable because as it is said, forbidden fruit is always more desireable. He should have trusted you and left it to your discretion. Only you can decide now if you want to contact him or stay with your bf.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (30 March 2020):
 Didn't you say that you have promised your bf to cut contacts with the other guy ?... Then, you have your answer. No. You should not.
A promise means that you say you will do something, then you actually do it. That's the only way to gain, keep and deserve people's trust and respect.
Arent't there any exceptions to that ? yes, obviously. But it needs to be something major, something that makes keeping your word practically impossible ,or hazardous or seriously damaging. This is not your case, though.
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A
female
reader, mystiquek  +, writes (29 March 2020):
 If you love and care about your boyfriend then the answer is very simple. No don't contact this man and he should be blocked so he can't contact you. Turn this situation around...if this was your boyfriend contemplating whether or not to contact a woman from his past after you had asked him not to and he promised not to..how would YOU feel
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A
male
reader, Billy Bathgate +, writes (28 March 2020):
You’re clearly looking for someone to tell you that it’s okay to contact this guy. If you were serious about not having contact with him you would have blocked his number and his email. You didn’t because you wanted to leave the door unlatched. Your plan worked. He has opened the door now all you need do is walk thru. Because you and everyone reading this knows that’s what will happen if you respond to this guy.
Do you love your boyfriend and does your word mean anything? If the answer to both those questions is yes then you delete the other guy’s message and block him. If the answer to either is no then answer the guy.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 March 2020): It looks to me like you're looking for our approval to respond to this guy.
Also, if you are honest with yourself, you will realize that he is likely using the coronavirus as a way to legitimately reach out but his intentions are not legitimate. And you are attempting to reciprocate by using the same flimsy excuse.
No contact means no contact. The door is closed and should remain closed. You've done well since you made that promise to your boyfriend. There is no reason why you should open a closed door. It's a stressful time and it's scary in your country. My heart goes out to all of you. But this is no time to form grief bonds with someone you had feelings for. If you respond, you are not only signalling interest but you are giving him hope, where no hope should exist.
One email leads to two and to three and it escalates to the point where the contact becomes everyday and you are finding yourself in an emotional affair and being unfaithful to your long term partner. Only you know what your real intentions are but I highly suspect you are bored or lonely or longing for excitement or escape during uncertain times. It's normal to look back on times with him as happy and free. And that's all because you feel you need a distraction right now. And being in lock down with your boyfriend I assume can be challenging. You see your bf everyday. In his pajamas. Unshaven. Fearful and uncertain just like you. You might argue due to being in cramped quarters 24/7. And this guy is just a fantasy and escape. He is bringing you some kind of joy and mystery, which is what you are missing.
But this too shall pass. Ride this out with the man who has been with you through the good and bad times. It's easy for any new person to walk in a wow you when they don't have all the baggage and ups and downs of a long term relationship. It's unlikely this guy would have any staying power. He is just escaping like you. Clearly there is no future there and in the end if there are any feelings which you allow to grow they will little by little destroy your relationship. It would be mean and cruel to do something that deceitful to a man who is devoted and loyal to you. Any communication with other people, even if it doesn't culminate in sex, is deceitful if there is any form of physical and/or mental attraction. If your boyfriend was watching you, and saw that you messaged this guy, would he be upset? Would he feel betrayed? Yes he would. So, don't do it in secret. You chose your boyfriend. You made a promise to him. It's your job as his loyal girlfriend to keep that promise at all times. Even when you're bored or going through moments of unhappiness. Love is a commitment you make regardless of how you feel from one moment to the next. If you cannot make that commitment and behave with integrity, wait until this pandemic is over, part ways with your boyfriend and then contact this man. But just know that his living far away would make any relationship with him difficult or even impossible.
I would block his email and pretend he doesn't exist. You owe him nothing.
Take care.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 March 2020): Hi. Thanks for your answers. Just to clear up a few things:
@WiseOwlE, no, we didn't have sex. But we were too close. My time abroad was one of the worst parts of my life; everything went wrong, I sucked at the language, navigating a long-distance relationship was hard and I never felt happy there (but it set me up in my career, so I stuck it out). Then I met this guy, who is American, and I was finally able to express myself properly in English with someone, in person. I needed that connection. He was very gregarious and open, and we talked about everything. It was more of a deep friendship before any romantic feelings came up for me, which was after a couple of months.
@WiseOwlE again, I told my boyfriend because I thought it would make the feelings go away if it stopped being a fun secret. The guy had admitted to wanting to be with me, and I was wrestling with weighing up my feelings. I had read somewhere that crushes on other people need to be brought out into the open, as it minimises them (or words to that effect). So I thought it was the right thing to stop and tell my boyfriend what was going on and talk it out with him.
After being told to break contact with the other guy, I explained to him that I was making a decision, there was a slightly tearful goodbye video call, and then I blocked him on the chat app that we used and deleted it. That was about three weeks before I left. I didn't ghost him, @CodeWarrior, and I thought he understood how things were. He told me to go and live my life and be happy at home. And I just wanted him to move on and be happy too, and by this stage I really thought he would have done that.
I guess I asked this question to get reassurance that I'm not being cruel by not responding. I struggle a lot with cognitive distortions and catastrophising. In the past, if I've texted someone and they haven't replied for hours, I've started googling car accidents in their area because I'm convinced that they've died. I will admit, knowing that the city I used to live in has been hit by coronavirus, I had been wondering for a while if the other guy was doing okay. I never would have contacted him to check, but I was willing some good health his way. Seeing an email from him was almost a relief, because at least he's not dead, though I was also upset that he put me in this position by going against my wishes again. He sent me that email nearly two weeks ago and it's been on my mind every day. I'm stressed enough as it is already with the situation here ... I just want to be able to stop thinking about it and wondering if I'm causing harm or doing the right thing.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 March 2020): If you are uncertain about what being faithful means, you should look up the word; then do your best to practice it.
You are rationalizing. Let him miss you all he likes. You are committed to someone else. Creating extenuating circumstances is how people justify cheating. Thereby excusing themselves for betraying the trust of the person they supposedly love and have committed to.
When you yield to temptation, cheating and lying becomes easier. Selfishness will make you deceptive and sneaky. You will put-on a false-face for your boyfriend, to avoid detection. If you're so conscientious and felt so guilty you had to confess to your boyfriend; now is your chance to keep the promise you've made.
That guy only briefly connected with you; so please, stop pretending you're simply concerned for his feelings. What about your boyfriend's feelings? Is there more to the story than you confessed to your boyfriend? Some brief encounter from two years ago, and he's so worried if you're safe? Gimme a break! Did you have sex with the guy, but leave-out that particular detail?
Stop, think, then answer this question. Why did you feel it was necessary to confess to your boyfriend? To upset him, or because you felt making him jealous would somehow improve your relationship? Did you get a twinge of sadistic-pleasure from making him jealous? There seems to be an element of attempting sabotage, or purposely destabilizing your relationship; whether intentional, or subconsciously. To betray your promise will also void your boyfriend's forgiveness. Making it misplaced and useless.
Now let me spell it out for you simply. When you're in-love and truly-committed to the man or woman you are with; it is irrelevant and unimportant to give updates about your well-being to the people you've psychologically (or physically) cheated with. How you're doing is none of his business! Your forgiveness is conditional. It remains in-effect provided you don't contact the other guy. Who is obviously flirting!
Silence is the proper and only answer to his inquiry. Otherwise, you can go back on your word to your boyfriend; and prove you're untrustworthy. Therefore, you lied when you said you wouldn't contact the guy again.
If you should break the conditions of your forgiveness and contact the guy anyway; should your boyfriend find-out, he should breakup with you. Once you break promises and lie, you can no longer be trusted. If you do it in secret, unbeknownst to him. That's cheating.
It doesn't make it any less than cheating because the guy lives in another country. What does trust and faithfulness mean to you? Suppose your boyfriend was still connecting with some female he fell for two years ago. He promised "never" to contact her again, but did it anyway. How happy would you be about that? Does it have to happen to you to make you understand how it feels? What goes around comes around!
Why the long lecture? Why am I preaching to you? You wouldn't have written unless you were tempted and wanted to be convinced why you shouldn't do it. Now it's up to you. This is a test of how much you really love your boyfriend, and just how faithful you are. Tempting fate is how so many relationships are destroyed. How do I know? We get stories of regret here all the time.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (28 March 2020):
 Keep your promise to your BF. You can't do faithfulness half-asses. Either you ARE or you are NOT.
Which means ignore the e-mail. You ALREADY told the guy that you wanted no further contact.
Set his e-mail up to go straight to spam or trash. That way you won't get tempted to read or replying his e-mails.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 March 2020): Hi
Have you asked your boyfriend what he thinks? I ask, because if you haven't, then that indicates that you think that your boyfriend would not be happy about you contacting this man, even for the innocent and caring reasons that you have given here.
So, ask yourself, what's more important to you? This man's peace of mind about your health (and, although I'm sure that this man is worried about you, it has given him the perfect excuse to try to re establish contact with you), or your boyfriend's happiness and his continued trust in you?
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A
male
reader, N91  +, writes (28 March 2020):
 Why, when you decided to remain faithful to your partner did you not block this other guy?
Ignore the email, you promised your BF not to contact this other dude, stick to it. Block him and forget about it.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (28 March 2020):
 Personally I would ignore the email. He has no way of knowing if you have seen his message (you could have changed your email address). Are you not able to block his email address?
Assuming the situation is still the same and you are happy with your boyfriend, don't risk upsetting the apple cart by contacting this guy again. Your boyfriend might not be as understanding second time around.
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