A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:My man and I have been together for almost 4 years he recently just accused me of cheating which made me very upset because I’m not the type of person he has a lot of insecurities from when he cheated on me which is something that I forgave him for and moved past. but I am really upset to my core about being accused of cheating and feel that I can’t deal with an insecure partner. he went through my phone and and then apologized because his assumption was false so now I’m here needing advice would you stay with an insecure partner knowing you’re not cheating should I let him go because of wanting a partner that is secure in their position with me and how I feel about them?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 March 2020): He cheated on you which means he was an insecure person when he cheated. And he likely was an insecure person before he met you. This guy has got lots of issues with himself. He needs to grow up and become more mature and self aware. And not use women to feel like he's important. If he doesn't get therapy,he will keep cheating on every woman he's with.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 March 2020): I often remind readers that insecurity kills relationships.
Like anybody and everybody else, I do not appreciate being accused of something I didn't and wouldn't do. What would bother me the most is who the person is that happens to be the accuser. If out of the blue my partner accused me of cheating; the first thing that would rise to mind is "what the hell have you done???" If there is no evidence other than some random off-the-wall suspicion or accusation, I'd wonder what got into them?
Would I stay with an insecure partner? I guess it all depends. There are some really sweet and wonderful people who have been through the wringer; because the gullible or naive often get taken advantage of. They get a little freaked and the adage "once-bitten twice-shy" does hold some truth. It could happen to any one of us at any given time. You never know how scarred or traumatized you are until something triggers you. I've had some issues that lay dormant or unrealized; until something brought them to the surface. I think anybody can relate to that. Insecurity brought on by emotional-trauma, victims of abuse, or someone inexperienced in being in a serious relationship; I'd give them benefit of the doubt. My patience isn't endless, and I have a low tolerance for foolishness. Even less for stupidity!
Now in the case of your boyfriend, who is guilty of cheating; that is a whole different ball of wax.
A guilty-conscientious doesn't rest. It has to find a way to justify or relieve itself. A common tactic is to just draw attention away from themselves, if they're up to no-good.
In a case like yours, I don't think he believes you've done anything. He got caught in his mischief and he's angry at you; because he knows you're more vigilant and alert than you were before. He has to turn the tables and distract you; or get back at you for making him feel so rotten. Plus, he feels stupid for getting caught! He knows you're not cheating, he has a bee up his butt! He's hopping pissed at you!
He's also paranoid and afraid you might try to get even; so he's pretending he suspects you've cheated, and being a hypocrite. It's an old trick pulled by guy's who've been busted; and unable to figure-out a way to get around you to get back to their old tricks. He's under your watchful-eye, and he's throwing shade to give himself an excuse to be angry; so he can avoid you. He needs to getaway from you! He'll throw a hissy-fit, and call himself storming out on you. He needs an excuse to escape and get alone to himself.
He's getting antsy. I speculate there's somebody he wants to get to, and you're getting in his way.
He's trying to throw you off-balance and off his tail. The objective is to put YOU on the defensive! It's not only a cheap-trick, it's reverse-psychology being pulled by a total amateur! He is sooooo furious that you've caught him cheating! I think he has found someone he wants to be with, and she's pressuring him. Solution, create tension and start a big fight! He can call himself distancing himself from you. Next, he'll refuse to answer your calls, and he'll go missing. If that happens, he's with somebody.
If he keeps accusing you, it's to aggravate you into breaking-up with him. I speculate he has found someone else he wants to be with; but he'd rather make you break-up with him. Rather than for everyone to know you ditched him for cheating. Now he can say, he left because you cheated too! The point is to soil your reputation and prove to everyone you're no goody two-shoes! Oldest trick in the book! It's too corny for words!
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (27 March 2020): Leave him.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious  +, writes (27 March 2020):
 He's either cheating again or has someone lined up with whom he would LIKE to cheat. When he gets caught out, he will make out it is your fault because he believed YOU were cheating.
He could move from merely accusing you to being verbally, emotionally and even physically abusive.
Get out while you can. You deserve better.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (27 March 2020): He's still cheating. That's why her accusing you. You need to dump him. You should have dumped him when you caught him. But better late than never.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (27 March 2020):
 I also agree with CodeWarrior.
1. while I think giving a partner a second chance can sometimes be warranted I think there are certain things that should JUST be total deal breakers, CHEATING is one of them.
2. HIM accusing you of cheating, is HIM projecting his OWN bad behavior onto you. He knows that HE (and whomever he cheated with) were willing and capable of cheating so ERGO, YOU must be willing and capable too. OR he is cheating again, and by accusing YOU... you will be busier trying to defend yourself, instead of paying full attention to HIS current actions.
And since when is it OK to go through your phone? Now I can see if you say, I have nothing to hide, check out my phone... it still shows that HE doesn't TRUST you because HE isn't trustworthy.
So yes, I think it's time to end this.
I also think you should have dumped him when you found him cheating. But that is water under the bridge.
Him accusing you, is just not OK and I think you know it.
Let him go. Find someone who IS trustworthy and who will trust you, who will RESPECT you AND the relationship.
Don't waste anymore time on this guy.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 March 2020): Hi
It is fairly typical behaviour of someone who's cheating to accuse their partner of the same in order to deflect attention away from themselves.
Be wary of this fact, but if you're already asking questions about whether or not to stay with him, he's already cheated and now he's accusing you of the same, sounds like you could be so much happier without him. Our lives are relatively short. Don't waste it on someone who makes you unhappy.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 March 2020): I’d take his accusation as a red flag that HE might be cheating again, and has a case of guilty conscience, especially if he just accused you out of the blue with nothing to back it up. Did he give you any sort of explanation for why he thought that? If not, that’s a bad sign. People who engage in bad behavior tend to assume others will do the same. If he’s cheating, he may have to convince himself you’re also cheating as a way to “justify” what he’s doing. Regardless, I wouldn’t stay with someone who doesn’t trust me. I won’t bash your decision to forgive him for cheating in the past, especially since I don’t know the whole story. At this point, the reasons I’m advising you to leave him are his lack of trust in you, he only apologized after going through your phone, and the concerns his accusation raises on his own (current) behavior.
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A
male
reader, N91 +, writes (27 March 2020):
 Why didn’t you dump his ass when he cheated? Do you value yourself that little so you think that’s all you deserve? Now he has the cheek to accuse you?!
You can do better. Find someone else who doesn’t disrespect you as this will only get worse.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 March 2020): I agree with CodeWarrior. It's not uncommon for a person doing something (cheating, speaking, lying) to accuse another of the same thing. He's probably trying to deflect attention from his behaviors to your (justified) defensiveness. He went through your phone and apologized later - as if that erases what he did! Unless you BOTH have access to each other's phones the double-standard is unacceptable!
I'm in agreement that you should dump him. Even if he hadn't cheated the insecurities and accusations are unfair and unfounded. You can say something like, "Jerry, I cannot be with someone who accuses me of something I didn't do." I don't, however, know how to tell you HOW to dump him. Do you live together? Is there anywhere for him or you to go in these times? I just hope you're safe with him is all I'm saying. What are you willing to give up to be away from this man?
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