A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I've been in a wonderful relationship with my bf for 16 yrs. People remark how close we are, how loving we are to each other. We do everything together including our work. We have a great sex life and family life. He's always there for me and always tending to my needs. Everything was wonderful until I discovered that he had a mistress of three years! I was mind boggled. How could this be? Where did he find the time since he was with me most of the time? There has been no indication of any relationship issues. The relationship with his mistress started on craigslist as a sex only relationship but become more when the mistress fell in love with him. But he always told her that he would never leave me because he I was the woman of his life. She tortured herself thinking that he would leave me but eventually I found out. She sent me an anonymous email telling me that he was cheating. Once I found out he left her. Never called her again nor emailed her. But what I discovered was that he has been seeing other women as well. He said it's just for fun and never wanted to hurt me so he kept it a secret. He said that these people he sees are usually with someone else and they just want to have fun on the side, no strings attached. Kind of like a swingers club I guess. He said he loves me and can't imagine life without me. He sees these people maybe 4 to 5 times a month. My question now is do I permit this to continue knowing that this is something that he really loves to do as long as he tells me when he's "meeting" someone. Or do I not allow it knowing that he's human and most likely will hide it again from me anyway. Or do I simply leave him which would totally be life changing for me since we own a business together and have family, no children now, and friends together? I don't have any desire to "do it" with others other than him, so the swinging thing is out for me. But am I crazy letting him continue seeing other people for fun?
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fell in love, mistress, sex life, swinging Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 November 2009): Nothing wrong with swinging if you have both discussed it and are comfortable with it - but this man has misled you, lied to you, and been completely dishonest with you for three years!! This is a deal breaker or at least it should be. I don't think this is about his or your sexual preferences or what you should 'allow' him to do - it's about trust and respect - and what this man has done is to is completely dishonest and disrespectful. Why would you want to spend your life with someone who has lied to you for the past three years? How could you ever trust him again - and believe me if he lied about this for so long, then he'll have been - and will, lie about about other things as well. Get rid of him and find someone who respects you and is honest with you. Sorry it's harsh but you've got a bad one there.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 November 2009): When I read your post my heart went out to you. I couldn't believe it, it was so like what happened to me.
I discovered my partner was swinging behind my back, and had been doing so for 6 years. I was in complete shock, he was my world and like you I thought our relationship was wonderfull, I thought we had no secrets and we were open and honest with each other. It turned out I was and he wasn't. And the same as you people use to remark on how close and loving we were.
I told him no way was I going to put up with him doing anything like that, it was only me or we were over. He agreed to it. We went to counselling for many months, and I really thought he would keep the promises he made to me to give up that life style, and there would only be US in the relationship. How wrong I was. Two years down the line I found hundreds of emails and photo's of him having sex with loads of couples, and he had the front to say they were all from before, the thing was they were all dated and the dates were after I found out the first time. So I knew he had been and still was lying to me.
Your partner said he didn't tell you about what he'd been up to because he didn't want to hurt you. Sorry but thats RUBBISH he didn't tell you because he knew you wouldn't agree to it and he wanted his cake and eat it. My one said the same.
Please! Please! don't let him get away with it, get rid of him, he has no respect for you. His put your life at risk!!!!!! All he thinks of is himself and what he wants. I know, i've been there.
Please let us know how you get on.
I'll be thinking of you, I so know what your going through.
GOOD LUCK HUN x
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A
female
reader, dindestress +, writes (11 November 2009):
 okay, well heres my outlook.love is not something that you can turn on and off. either you love someone or you don't. How is it possible that he loves you when he is having sex with you, and that he still loves you when hes having sex with someone else? It should feel very wrong to him to be having such a connection and sexual bond with someone other than yourself. Marriage is a bond between two people, or a promise rather, that you are everything to eachother; and no longer desire anyone else to fulfill you. If you were all he truely needed, why is he going out and "having fun" with other women? You may choose to accept his "needs" for now, but throughout time it may start to bother you that he cannot settle for your love, but he still needs someone else.so sweetie, i understand you want to do everything to keep your relationship together, but you need to decide if what he wants to do( and has already done) is acceptable. Goodluck! I hope i helped alittle.
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A
female
reader, Jayney Y  +, writes (11 November 2009):
 1. He is potentially exposing you to STD's, (craigslist for Gods sake? Eeewww!).
2. He is a liar.
3. Your feelings obviously don't mean very much to him.
4. He must have been misleading the mistress if she thought he was going to leave you.
5. He is treating you like his mother, expecting unconditional love whilst behaving like a prat.
5. Yes, I think you should let him swing.....from a noose.
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A
female
reader, openmind +, writes (11 November 2009):
HELL no dont allow it!!!!!!!! If he loves you then there is no reason for him to be going out having "fun" that if absolutely disgustinf and ridiculous. You must think safely as well if he meets these people on line he doenst know anything about them these women could have hpv and other diseases that you can get from just skin to skin contact. Tell him to quit his shit or your hitting the road even if you have no intentions of doing so it should scare him in to cleaing up his act though i highly recommend leaving him business or not he cheated on you mutliple times and he doenst deserve your body or your heart!
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A
male
reader, snoopyandwoodstock  +, writes (11 November 2009):
 you shouldnt allow him to swing, give him an ultimatum you or the swinging, but you have to be carefull still, as even if he chooses you over the swinging, you still have to be sure that he isnt doing it behind your back again. if he seriously loved you and respected you, then he wouldnt have betrayed you in the first place. if he respected you, then he would have told you what feelings he had towards the swinging, you may need some couselling to get you through this. it is an awfull thing you have discovered, but dont feel isolated or alone, consider having a short break so that you have space to think about how you want your future to be. do you really want yr partner to be with all sorts of women? he is putting you at great risk. remember a relationship starts with loving ourselves with great respect, and a swinger is someone who is with a partner who agrees with doing it also, he is not a swinger he is a cheat. and has disrespected you in the lowest form. you can do better. get professional advice.
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A
male
reader, snoopyandwoodstock +, writes (11 November 2009):
hi, its your choice whether you would want to continue in a relationship with a man who has decieved you in such a bad way, this kind of guy would say anything to keep you, as he knows only someone of similar character and or interests would stay with him. dont let his words fool you. he has already cleverly kept it from you for so long. if he told you from the start what his intentions were whilst being in a relationshp, then it would be a diferent story. but he has gained yor trust and love for so long, you should never feel that you should have to be with him because of the business. there are many diseases that he could have brought home to you, does a man bring these risks to someone he loves? we like to believe all our partners say and most often in great denial. do make sure he doesnt try to force his own interests on you. i believe if someone truely loves you, then they wouldnt have the need to be with anyone else. he may have an addiction to sex. either way u need to really think about this.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 November 2009): You said it: You can't tolerate a polyamorous relationship. I know there are people who do it successfully under the rationale of free love and who apparently coexist well with each other. Most, however, get to emotionally charged and end up ...well...short-fused. The consequences can be pretty damaging to your state of mind and heart.
Also, living a polyamorously is a lifestyle...backstabbing your loved one is low, cruel, and deeply painful. The heart of a cheater is hollow, so after taking into account all things conducted behind your back, think twice before staying with this man.-g
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