A
male
age
51-59,
*eregrine_UK
writes:Looking for some advice here..About a year ago, I found out that my fiancée and two of her (our?) friends had been exchanging intimate photos - and had even been together a couple of times. I confronted her, she broke down, told me that the only physical stuff happened before she and I got together. We both broke contact with the other couple.I've always had a nagging suspicion that she didn't tell me the whole truth. I want to know when it REALLY ended, it's keeping me awake. She's having a rough time at the moment, suffering from anxiety and depression, so I can't confront her. I'm tempted to contact the other people involved and ask them. Should I...? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (13 March 2017):
 I think a break away on your own or with friends would probably do you a lot off good. You need to put yourself first.
A
male
reader, Peregrine_UK +, writes (11 March 2017):
Peregrine_UK is verified as being by the original poster of the questionaunt_honesty, I think you've nailed it there: I have become insecure in this relationship. Something I've never been before. That's probably why I'm finding it hard to just walk away. I know I'll be happier without her in the long term, maybe I'll take a holiday, get away for a bit, and get my head back together. If she monkey-branches in the meantime, so be it...
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female
reader, aunt honesty +, writes (3 March 2017):
Honestly you are very insecure and it is because you are with someone who you simply do not trust because off all her issues. The sad thing is you say he will cheat again. Why are you with her? Surely love is not enough to stay with someone who is going to lie and be unfaithful to you. Surly you can see you are never going to be happy you are always going to be wondering what she is doing and who with. It is not healthy for either off you. You need to be with someone you can trust and she needs a lot of therapy to deal with her issues.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (26 February 2017): I feel for you my friend, you are not in a good place right now.It's a good move to not contact the others, as you have said. It won't solve anything and could even give you more doubts and insecurities. Especially considering the fact that they might not tell the whole truth. The ony person who should tell you is your fiance. I suspect you don't trust her anymore either. Neither would I.Without being meaning to be harsh, you have to be selfish in this situation. Yes she has problems andyou feel you need to help or be careful of them, but the damage to you is done and you need to move on, either with or without her. Her problems are not your concern when they are damaging to you.If I was in your shoes, I would leave her. If the relationship can be repaired, then it will be.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 February 2017): Gosh, you add that she did the physical stuff after you were together in subtext? That should have been included in your original post!
You indicated it this way, and to quote:
"I confronted her, she broke down, told me that the only physical stuff happened before she and I got together. We both broke contact with the other couple."
So that apparently wasn't the whole-truth on your part, if this continued even after you were together.
Well, I guess there is no reason for the engagement to continue is there? The time to do that is now, so she can recover from all of this at once. No need to wait with a ticking time-bomb to go-off some other time.
Stop the wedding-planning, save the money, and end the engagement before you become angry and overwhelmed with with this drama and do something drastic.
She probably has too many mental-health issues to be a good wife for you anyway. If she's too easily persuaded into giving people explicit photos of herself; and had sex with other people while with you, she isn't trustworthy. You had to force the truth out of her, and although she may have depression; she knows right from wrong. She cheated.
I am really sorry things would have to work-out in such a way. You must still treat her humanely, and show regard for her current illness and mental-state. Cruelty or abuse is never justified under any circumstances.
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female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (25 February 2017):
 If it continued to happen AFTER you two got together WHY are you still with her?
I mean, it's sort of obvious that you don't condone or would cheat yourself, so WHY stay with her when you found out?
I think one of the reasons this is hurting is because SHE made the choice to go behind your back, to lie about and perhaps "excuse" her behavior with "I'm easily led"... I'm sorry if she was a teenager then MAYBE I could see that excuse being accurate, but I think she KNEW what she was doing. She was just hoping you wouldn't find out.
I really think you need to rethink this person as your spouse.
NOTHING will change with a vow, a ring on the finger and a piece of paper. She will STILL be her, she will STILL have her issues and SHE will still NOT DO anything about them.
Seems like you walk around on eggshells because she is "fragile" but you resent her actions (with good reasons) BUT you are also CHOOSING to stay with her.
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A
male
reader, Peregrine_UK +, writes (25 February 2017):
Peregrine_UK is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAnonymous, your advice is harsh but fair. And I know deep down that she'll cheat again. She's so riddled with "issues" (including Impulse Control Disorder) that she won't be able to help herself.
It's very sad.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 February 2017): OP, the fact she had a threesome with another couple is one red flag. The second and biggest problem of all is that she continued to do this after you were together by your own admission!AFTER you were together!Who cares for how long? The fact it happened at all is what matters. My guess is it went on for a long time! In your question, you said she broke down and told you it happened before you got together. Now, in your follow up you are saying it happened after you got together.Did she tell you this?So, she lied.What you have here is a sex addict, thrill seeker, liar, egotist, manipulator, insecure, depressed, anxious mess of a woman!What are you thinking asking someone like this to be your WIFE? The woman you spend the rest of your life with.Personally, I would dump her. She lied to you. She cheated on you. And she can do it again. And oh she will.Up to you to put on the big boy pants. And show her the door.Seeing the pictures would have been where it ended for me. Let alone the actual sex acts and then her lying about it to save her ass.She is in no shape to take on a serious commitment. She is much too messed up.The fact she chose to indulge in her own little fantasies without giving you one thought. Without caring for one second that her actions would hurt you greatly. Is that not enough? She is only upset because you caught her. Because if she really loved you and respected you, she would not have carried on that way.And you know it.You just wish there was a way to pardon her behaviour because you love her and want to carry on. But my friend, you would only be burying your head in the sand. And a future with her would only bring you greater pain and anxiety.
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female
reader, Ivyblue  +, writes (24 February 2017):
 I more than likely wouldn't bother. The pictures would be enough to inform me that this just screams- more trouble in the future. I'd seriously consider leaving the relationship. That sounds harsh over some photos but if I knew then what I know now shit like this is almost like an entree to more bullshit and deception throughout a relationship. Just to hard and not worth the effort at our age. Move on find someone decent and be happy. Wish you well
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A
male
reader, Peregrine_UK +, writes (24 February 2017):
Peregrine_UK is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for the replies, everyone. Just to clarify, the stuff that happened with this other couple WAS physical - and it continued after we were together. For how long, I guess I'll never know. Her insecurities and depression come from an unhealthy religious (non mainstream) upbringing, way before I came along.I don't think I will contact them, it will do more harm than good. And I'm not sure I'll even get an honest answer there either. I've tried putting this - and other things! - down to just her insecurities etc., but in some ways that makes it worse. She's very easily persuaded.
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female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (24 February 2017):
I agree. DO NOT go behind her back on this. THEY have nothing to lose by telling you lies or embellish the truth.
If you don't trust her fully ( and I don't blame you) you need to NOT get married anytime soon. THIS needs to be resolved ONE way or another before marriage.
This happened BEFORE you, so really in a sense, it has NOTHING to do with you OR the relationship you have with her. Should she have stayed friends with them and NOT been honest from the get go? No, I think that was a BIG mistake that she thought you would NEVER find out.
YOU have to decide (REGARDLESS of her depression and mental state) IF you can LIVE with, DATE, eventually MARRY someone with her past OR not. IF you CAN then you HAVE to let it go. Knowing all the details will NOT make life easier for you (or her) But you DO know that when you brought it up SHE cut ties with them because she valued YOU more than them.
If you CAN'T let it go, then you NEED to let her go. You can't have a HEALTHY relationship if this is looming over you AND her.
I'm not saying what she did was OK, I'm not condemning it either. So many people have a past (especially the older they get), casual sex, FWB, F-buddies etc. seems to be the norm MORE now than it was 25 years ago. And SO many people KEEP exes and former sexual partners IN their life as "friends" or acquaintances because that makes them feel like it wasn's a big deal or that they really CAN still be friends of sorts without thinking that these "friendships" can complicate future relationships, just like it has yours.
And you have to ask yourself WOULD knowing more details REALLY solve anything?
You two ( and again no matter how fragile her mental state is) NEED to find a way to rebuild trust IF you are to have a future together.
Consider some pre-marital counseling or couple's counseling - do NOT marry until this is sorted IF at all.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (24 February 2017): She's suffering from anxiety and depression? What about YOU? What about YOUR feelings?
You just found out that you've been humiliated, emotionally cheated on, and possibly physically cheated on. By her.
I would not be in any mood to spare her feelings right now. I would push for what I needed to know.
You have the right to ask what you want and get truthful answers. She lost the right to keep her past a secret when it stopped staying in the past.
Google the term 'trickle truth'. It may help you understand what she is doing right now.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (24 February 2017):
 Absolutely not. What good will knowing do you? It will either confirm that you are a neurotic untrusting partner, or it will prove she lied to you. What if it is the latter? What will you do?
It is over now. You have both cut contact with this couple. It doesn't matter what happened previously.
You have to decide whether you still want a future with her and, if the answer is affirmative, then draw a line under this whole matter and move on. Leave it in the past where it belongs.
I just hope her anxiety and depression isn't down to you giving her a hard time over this and voicing your suspicions because, if it is, then you should do the decent thing and free her to find someone who will understand that most people come with a past and most of us have done things we are not proud of in later life.
Leave the past where it belongs - in the past - and look to the future.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 February 2017): I think not! If you don't trust your fiance, delay your wedding-plans. Don't you ask the others anything! Going behind her back after a forced-confession, only proves you do not trust her, and probably never will. If you don't, then man-up and take the appropriate action based on your capacity to forgive. Just remembering, point one finger, three point back.
You're a mature man, and should know your own limitations and level of tolerance. You may live according to your values and moral-standards, but don't expect others to have the ability change their past to suit you. How was she to know you'd come along someday?!! Have you confessed all your sins?
Change the situation to suit yourself. You have the power to do so. Engagements can be ended immediately. Rings have no legal-binding. You don't have to ask anybody else anything. If you're disgusted and disappointed, break the engagement.
You know your moral-standards, and no amount of further details will undo what she has already done. If you're not sure; then you're really don't want to. If she wrote her side, I'd tell her to break the engagement. It is unlikely you will be able to live with it for a very long time.
Make absolutely certain that you set no double-standards; and your own past sex-life is squeaky-clean. Free of fetishes and secrets. Luckily; she doesn't know who you've messed around with, and how. Unfortunately, you do know whom she has. Stuff happens.
You're in your 40's, over that life-span you've made no regrettable mistakes?
Please be entirely certain that her depression and mental-health is well-managed, she regularly takes her medications; and attends scheduled therapy sessions. After marriage is no time to decide you can't deal with it, and surely not after having children!
Everyone has a past. Not everything in it is palatable for your most-recent significant-other. Suspicion is toxic, and it erodes trust. Marriages do not work without trust, and men with retro-jealousy issues are bad choices for husbands. Sorry to say! They are obsessive and relentless. They make relationships into hell! I hope you're not one of them.
Of course, you have a right to know what kind of woman you are about to marry. The person you are about to marry is fragile, and may not be able to withstand your harsh judgement. I won't lie, I would be shocked too! I try to use logic before making impetuous decisions. Think, man!
Which is stronger, your love or distrust?
Nagging-suspicion feeds the worst kind of jealousy. It never receives enough reassurance, it pushes insecurity to the limit; and it causes conflict and discord in every case.
You don't save this kind of stuff for her time in healing and recovery; only to drive her back into a relapse. Man, what are you thinking? She doesn't need triggers, and her past is most likely the cause of the depression.
Okay, now you know. If this kind of behavior is not the kind of behavior you can accept, don't make her your wife. She's making wedding-plans, there is much expense to be incurred, and a last-minute bailout would be disastrous! To say the least!
Push it behind you, or now is the time to get out of it.
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A
male
reader, Phil052 +, writes (24 February 2017):
 I don't think going to the other couple is a good idea. Speak to your fiancée about your nagging concerns. If she wants to tell you the full story, she will.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 February 2017): Sorry but I just want to get the everything right in my head before I answer I normal answer under slippers
Was she physical with both the male and female friend ? Since they are a couple .
Is her depression stemming from your uneasiness over this . Is there tension in the house so to speak ?
Please only answer if your comfortable
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male
reader, Billy Bathgate +, writes (24 February 2017):
You have a nagging suspicion because you know you were lied to you just don't want to admit to yourself. She is suffering from anxiety because she is afraid the truth will come out.
Unless you have definitive proof she lied I don't see the point in contacting the other people. You don't think she got together with them to coordinate lies before she broke contact with them? Assuming she actually has.
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female
reader, fishy fish +, writes (24 February 2017):
I see no harm in you contacting the people involved and asking them because it's eating you up and she obviously concealed some truth here.
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