A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I am in between a rock and a hard place....I have a girlfriend of 4 years and I feel differently about our relationship to what I used to. I want to talk to my girlfriend about it but she doesn't want to listen! Nor talk...she is pretty closed when it comes to feelings and talking about situations, she buries her head into something else to take her mind off it but me being the opposite wants to talk things through. She moans that we talk all the time...that's because its never resolved or she changes the subject! I have felt differently for a few months now, over the past four years she's lied to me often somethings big some small but we have got through and still together. She can show any negative feelings rather well, as in making hurtful comments or criticising me for not doing something right. It has made me look at her differently as I never feel good enough or cant do anything right or am not sexy enough for her or compare to her exes etc. A handful of times she has rejected me for sex, most often saying I would rather go to sleep than have sex with you, so our sex live is pretty difficult at the moment. She is happy to cuddle me but that is about as far as it goes, over the years I have even had to practically beg for a proper kiss than just a peck. It turn it has made me feel differently about her, I have no urge to touch her body but I do fancy her. I want to have sex with her because I like being close but I feel so distant with everything else I cannot bring myself to want to touch her arm or anything. I want to tell her but she doesn't listen, she just moans when I do touch her and tells me to get off but then moans that I don't touch her!! I want that feeling back we used to have when we were happy and closer. Now she seems to just ignore me if its not something she wants to talk about which makes me feel worse. Never in the four years have I felt I couldn't talk to her about something but I feel so lost I just feel like banging my head against a brick wall. I treat her right, I make her feeling special with romantic things etc not all the time as shes not a romantic person really unlike me. I like romance and passion and all the good happy things in a relationship which is what it should be about. I want to spend time together, going away so its just us away from normal everyday life but she doesn't want to do that, she would rather stay home. She is more of a practical person than me, I am more of a dreamer. I do love her with all my heart and I don't want to walk away because I would have done and could have done a long time ago but I just don't know what to do to get her attention to make her realise I have had enough and just want her to acknowledge there is problem and sort it instead of hiding away from it. Before anyone thinks it is someone young who isn't sure what they want, she is actually 25 years older than me, so she should do...I don't think she is cheating on me either, she does love me I know that but I just feel she doesn't really care and I come way down her priority list. She doesn't make an effort anymore but would always go out of her way to help me out in other situations than the relationship. I just want to be happy and loved again!
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female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (3 March 2017):
 You cannot make her see things need to change unless you are willing to leave if things don't. It sounds to me like she wants companionship instead off romance. It does not sound like a healthy relationship at all. Honestly if this was me I would tell her we either need to get relationship advice from a counselor or else it is over.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 February 2017): I think you need to get her to open up about what the problem is. You cannot solve something if you do not know what is going on. She is behaving very selfishly and is very mean towards you. I do not get it. Shutting down is the coward's way out. It is also passive aggressive. I am a dreamer just like you. And I always get my partner to open up and talk to me. And he does. He is more practical too. But he tries. We are just different but we both want the relationship to work so we are always communicating. I ask him if he is ok sometimes. He asks me if I am ok too. We are committed to each other. We always work things out even though we are different because we both want our relationship to continue.But it seems she has checked out. That she is no longer trying. You are doing all the work. You are the one fighting for the relationship. But that gets tiring after awhile when you just want to give up. Because it is too hurtful to try to make somebody want to love us or value us.It is demeaning and hurtful to our self esteem. She is emotionally abusing you. And not wanting to have sex is another form of emotional abuse.If you do not want to suffer from her abuse for many more long years, you need to get her to open up. Tell her your relationship is now on the line. If she cannot tell you what is wrong, then you are not a mind reader. Explain from your heart how she makes you feel when she ignores you. Does not want to touch you. Treats you like a yo yo. One minute being affectionate and the next being cold and withdrawing her affection. Tell her how much it hurts you. Tell her how much you wish it could be like the way it used to be. That you are willing to work on it. With her help. But if she is done, to tell you. Because your needs are going unmet and you cannot be happy this way. Or continue in this relationship.If she opens up and is willing to work on it with you, watch her actions. And see if things change. If she says she will and does not try, then you will have to go with her actions. And terminate the relationship.Or she might tell you what is wrong and try to work it out with you.I like the idea of sending her a letter. But will she even bother to read it after you have put all the effort into it?I think face to face is better. And honestly, if she refuses to even talk to you or hear you out, maybe that is your answer. And it is time to move on.Sorry you feel this way. It is very hurtful. And what is even more sad is the people we love and give all our love to are causing us all of this pain because they do not return our feelings and our investment in the relationship. :(
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (24 February 2017):
 The relationship you describe is more of mother and daughter than of lovers. Does the big age difference worry her in any way? Is she concerned that you will leave her one day for someone nearer your own age?
I also wonder if, given her age, she may be going through the menapause? This can be a very difficult time for women and many go off sex completely.
Or is she uncertain of her sexuality? Maybe she got into this relationship, thinking it was what she wanted, only to get doubts later. What is her relationship history? Has she always dated women, or has she dated men too?
If she knows you won't leave her, despite the stresses and strains in your relationship, then she really has little incentive to change, as she knows you will just keep putting up with it.
If she is not good at talking, perhaps you could write her a letter and set out how you feel? However, unless you are prepared to give her an ultimatum - and mean it - then I'm afraid this relationship could struggle along like this for many more years.
Good luck. I hope you manage to sort things out.
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A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (24 February 2017):
 You're just not compatible. You want romance and she doesn't, for starters.
You need to break up - she won't change and shouldn't have to; you both want different things.
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