A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I read loads of questions about this and seen it myself with a freind, Should females not tell their male partners the truth about their sexual past? if they're going to freak out what's the point? My workmate once boasted to me about how many b/f she had and one night stand, I asked if she told her husband and she went, oh god no! Maybe we should all follow that, male and female. Even if the person is secure in themselves?
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one night stand, sexual past Reply to this Question
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male
reader, Austin2305  +, writes (14 November 2008):
Everyone must be totally honest about their past. My ex-wife lied to me to get me to marry her. She told me she had two past experiences. After 10 years of marriage and 3 kids I found out she lied to me (15 past partners) - and I divorced her. 3 young kids, a broken family, a life you can't get back, stolen from all of us - because someone lied to dupe someone into a marriage. You just can't do that to someone or yourself. Be honest, if it works out great, if not it wasn't meant to be.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (18 October 2008): @FoxyBoy: That's one of the best answers I have ever read around here.
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A
male
reader, FoxyBoy +, writes (17 October 2008):
There are some very wise, and a few glib answers here, and honesty needs to be combined with realistic sensitivity.
Sometimes men admittedly worry about how they compare, but it needs to be said that someimes the issue is more about how 'easy' their girlfriend has been in the past, not in a condemning sense but just because they don't want to marry someone who has too colourful a past. Or knowing past history might generate concerns around whether their girlfriend's attitudes to sex may mean they can't be trusted because they think sleeping with someone is 'not a big deal' etc and so fidelity might not be a high priority when temptations or less happy times come along further down the line.
For me these replies ignore one point that sometimes comes up for men far (far!) more than any other: it can hurt a great deal to hear stories of how the girl you truly love and value beyond words has been sometimes literally to varying degrees used/enjoyed sexually and treated like "just another notch on the bedpost" by a bunch of what may have been lowlife/poor quality men who may have treated them poorly after they'd got what they wanted. In other words in some of the cases at least, the girl may have been manipulated and strung along, and that sometimes she only really slept with them because she like them liking her, and was feeding off of the attention at times.
But then this is the way the world is, and we all have to come to terms with it being messy, and we can cope with it when we focus on what's really important.
So tell it like it is, or enough of it to be honest, and if they can't hack it they need help - so either they get it, or get out of the relationship or get over it. Because women just like men, don't need hassle about the past; there are more important things like building on the NOW :o)
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A
male
reader, Yos  +, writes (19 June 2008):
 I agree with "don't ask, don't tell"
However, the problem comes if someone does ask. The worst possible scenario is to lie about it and get 'found out' later. This can unfortunately very easily happen: a momentary slip of the tongue when drunk, or a friend saying something that doesn't add up.
I suggest gently resisting telling if you are asked. Try to avoid a direct answer, but at the same time don't make it sound like you're hiding something (hard to do...).
But if you do answer, answer truthfully. It's just not a subject that its ok to lie about to someone you love.
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A
female
reader, Sophia_Sweetheart +, writes (18 June 2008):
 To be honest guys, relationships should be filled with honesty. There are things you don't tell people, but if they truly love you, your past can be forgiven and your partner can still love you and move on from it!
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A
female
reader, oxxvickixxo +, writes (18 June 2008):
When I first met my boyfriend his friends already new me and my past sexual partners..
When he asked me I thought I should tell him straight - 16 including him but none had meant anything to me apart from him.
He is 2 years older than me and told me he'd slept with loads of girls - 23 if i remember correctly. I knew he was popular at school so I thought that I should believe him.
Turns out he was secretly disgusted by my past (although we are still together) and he has only slept with 7 others which his best friend told me.
If I could take it back and his friends didn't know about me I would tell him 5 or 6 and then hopefully he wouldn't get so angry at me for my past.
Vicki
XX
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (18 June 2008): I think there are two VERY, VERY different ways to "not tell" this stuff.Not telling by way of "I am not going to discuss it" is one thing. Not telling by lying (or implying a lie) is something else. I think it's best to declare the issue "no discussion" if you sense there will be problems with it. Speaking as a guy, let me say that being totally lied to is HORRIBLE when the truth comes out. No matter what good intentions you might have had for it, the result is truly emotional manipulation of the worst kind. If you girls have noticed that so many guys consistenly have problems with their GFs' past, then notice this other consistent thing: when the truth comes out, the lie hurts the guy more than the facts themselves do. Believing you can keep a lie permanetly quiet is similar to believing you can keep a current affair quiet. Nice idea but it fails at least as often as it works. Even if someone else doesn't spill it, YOU may eventually spill the truth as you start to get eaten up by guilt over it when the guy gets more and more attached to you. (Don't think this can't happen to you. Falling REALLY deeply in love can make you want to drop a lot of barriers that you never thought you would want to drop before.)
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A
female
reader, Brigid +, writes (17 June 2008):
Unless you have shagged a significant number of people whom your boyfriend is likely to meet (and therefore discover that you have), there's really no point.What counts is what you have together. When I met my partner it was obvious that we both had 'pasts' but he refused to hear anything about mine, or indeed talk about his, until we had established our relationship. We got to a point where it then really didn't matter - our relationship is what matters.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 June 2008): I also told my wife about what I had done and what I was doing when I was dating others after I had started dating her. She knew everything about me. She knows why my first marriage failed, even though I am not proud of it. We are both proud of what we have been with each other, even though we are not proud of what we had done before we were together. We do not know all of the details, but we know enough about each other’s pasts to get the picture. As I said in my first post, men and women should be treated equally.
I believe that pasts do have consequences. Although people can change, as my wife and I have for each other, past behavior is an indication of future behavior at times. People should be able to make an intelligent decision about their future partner based on truth and not lies.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (17 June 2008): Another question of many related to the socialization process. Isn't it funny how this whole topic revolves around the girl feeling bad about having multiple partners, but not the guy?
Why can't the guy tell the girl about his past? Oh, it's OK for men to screw and sleep around but not women.
Of course you should tell each other. Hiding things in a relationship only leads to bad things.
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A
male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (17 June 2008):
 I'm with Eyeswideopen ("Don't ask, don't tell") and the Wizard.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 June 2008): My advice is to both men and women. The answer to tell or not to tell depends on what you think of your past. If you screwed 50 people and are proud of it, then I would say don’t say anything about it, because you will probably just come across as bragging. No one, man or woman, wants to hear their partner brag about all of their exploits.
If you has sex with more than you had wished and have a need to let your partner know, either because you don’t feel good about what you had done or are just a very honest person, then tell them. However, tell them straight out and don’t try to hint or tell them in bits and pieces. That will just make them think that you were much worse than you were.
My wife felt unattractive and old after she left her first husband at the age of 30 and used sex to feel attractive. The more guys that wanted her the better she felt about her desirability. However, she also didn’t like what she was doing. After 3 years, she met me and I was the first person who she thought that she would want to be with long term relationship with and felt bad about her recent sexual past. The mistake that she made was to hint at it, because she felt guilty about it. In the process, she made herself sound much worse than she was and seemed to be bragging about it. I finally asked her and she sat down and told me the truth, but the damage had already been done, because I had this terrible picture built up in my mind about what she had been doing. It also took years before she told me about how she felt and why she thinks that she was having sex with so many guys right after she left her husband. If she would have just been up front and told me the whole story, we both think that I would have taken it well, instead of thinking badly of her.
I think that if you are going to say anything at all, then you should be honest, as honesty is one of the most important things in a relationship. If your partner ever discovers that you lied, that could destroy the relationship.
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (17 June 2008):
 Don't ask don't tell.
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A
female
reader, Susan Strict +, writes (17 June 2008):
 Absolutely not. What you did previously is no one's business but yours and whoever you did it with. A husband or partner has no right to know about your previous sexual activities (or lack of them) and neither do you have a right to know about his. The only exception would be if there is something that might resurface in the future (like, for example, if you have children lurking somewhere!).
"Total honesty" in a relationship is absolute rubbish and quite unnecessary if it's to be applied to your past. If it cannot possibly affect your future together then it's irrelevant.
"Have you ever had sex before, my darling?"
"Only twice. Once with the milkman... and once with the crew of the Ark Royal."
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A
female
reader, scrazy  +, writes (17 June 2008):
 If you know the guy you're with is going to freak out and take it badly - don't even bother telling him, he's not going to listen when you explain and it's just going to cause problems with your relationship, ie; lack of trust even if you've been together for years.
Personally, I believe it's your own business and the past is the past, leave it that way.
However, if he asks you, you should tell him openly. Don't try to hide your past from him, it will just turn right back around and smack you in the face when you least expect it.
Hope this helps!
xo
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A
female
reader, Fiona xxx +, writes (17 June 2008):
 It is a tricky thing. On one hand you would expect the guy to have had 'a few' girlfriends before you, and if he said 'only one' would you believe him he he. The ultimate issue is feeling that the other person has had a significant number of partners more than you have.
In my situation, I asked first and he said I was his 7th, and my truthful answer was that he is my 6th. He hasn't thought anything of it.
I have a friend who 'lost count' but told her boyfriend there had been 20. He thought that was alot, because he was younger and less experienced.
It all depends on how you reckon his experience would have been, based on both actions and age difference.
Relationships should be based on honnesty and finding common ground etc. You could find you are both in a similar situation. I am all for being honnest, but then I am the worlds most honnest person he he.
Let me tell you something, I was 18 and my first lover was 29. He said he only had one lover before me. Some time later I figured he just said that to make me feel better.
You give no indication on your 'level of experience'. Nonetheless if you have had one night stands, then chances are he will have.
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