A
female
age
30-35,
*shetheone4me
writes:My name is, well, I'll call myself Teralyn, and I'm 20 years old. I live in a home for adults with special needs, but I plan to move out exactly one year from tomorrow (Today is Tuesday, May 31st, 2011, and I plan to move out on Friday, June 1st, 2012 - I've already lived here since Saturday, June 20th, 2009, when I was 18 years old, due to high-functioning autism and other disabilities, when my mother could no longer take care of me.I've had significant trouble with men over the past 2 years, getting in with those who meant only bad news.When I was 18, I got stuck in a mental institution and I had a 53-year-old man (I'll call him Samuel) calling me his girlfriend and I of course DID NOT feel the same. Samuel called everybody his "brothers" and "sisters" (supposedly in a religious sense) and he used to give me pop and candy and at first I honestly thought he was just being nice. But then the day came when I was wandering the female hall - I heard Samuel talking with a nurse. He was talking about either pop or candy but he said "I was getting it for my girlfriend!" Frankly, I was freaked out hearing that, and I thought to myself, "I didn't hear that I didn't hear that I didn't hear that!" But indeed I had heard it. Samuel had called me...HIS GIRLFRIEND. Horrifying, right?There is a new resident at my home. I'll call him Bobby. I've already mentioned I am 20 - Bobby is 47.He hasn't lived at the home very long, and he has referred to me as a "sister" or "girlfriend" of his, but not in an unsettling way like Samuel had done.Bobby is a Capricorn, I am an Aquarius - supposedly not a good match, but on the Chinese zodiac, Bobby is a rabbit (by the way I LOVE real rabbits, and I plan to have one when I move out), and I am a goat. Rabbits and Goats are said to have a VERY HIGH compatibility rating, so that balances out Bobby and me.Bobby wants to be engaged and eventually married to me, but he is leaving it up to me as to exactly when I propose to him. If things work out I will propose to him on Friday, February 17th, 2012 - the day after I turn 21. And my aunt owns a jewelery store in town so I will most likely get the ring there:)My mother thinks I'm cuckoo for reciprocating the feelings that Bobby seems to show, but I have never had a "real" boyfriend (someone a girl would go out on dates with), and this time, the person, and the time, just, well...it just feels right to me.My question is, should I dump Bobby like my mom wants me to, or, in this particular case, is the age gap of nearly three decades simply not important?I apologize for having the question be so long. There was a lot of background info that I felt I could not omit.
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female
reader, ishetheone4me +, writes (1 June 2011):
ishetheone4me is verified as being by the original poster of the questionSo according to a nurse working here, Bobby is already married. Easy enough for me not to know as she does not live here. But, I want to talk to Bobby myself later today to straighten things out, and I will confront him about what the nurse told me. I will ask him if our planned engagement is a real thought, or just a fantasy or a game we are playing. If he says it's a real thought I will ask him if he is trying to break up with his wife. If the answer to the "is he leaving his wife" question is yes I'll continue with things as planned but if the answer to that question is no I will of course do away with the idea of our future engagement.
To the person who mentioned autism causing gut feelings in a literal sense, I actually do need to get an X-ray of my abdomen to check for any problems with the lower end of my shunt which is in the peritoneum (I have water on the brain and the shunt sends the fluid down to that area after it's been drained off my head), due to persistent stomachaches. Of course I hope that nothing is wrong, but if something is wrong it won't surprise me much as it has been almost ten years since my shunt was last replaced.
A
male
reader, Nithyanala  +, writes (1 June 2011):
 It seems you may be making decisions based on factors other than love. There is nothing wrong with marrying a person if you have feelings for him, but don't you think you should explore relationships a little? You're very young,and autistic or not, you should be able to date and meet people normally before you decide to get married.
Setting dates and targets to do things may not be the right way to go about relationships.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 June 2011): Hi there, it seems crystal clear that you feel you have no other options or that you have not actually been willing to look at all your options once outside this home.
You write very well and have lovely communication this is a great asset for a future relationship.
In fact men prefer people who are straight forward!
It is quite important that you take your mothers advice on this, I can understand that she cares about you having a good future in many ways.
She can probably see that it would be best for you to leave the home and then look at your options.
I do think that this is not the right man for a young bright lady to marry.
May I also suggest this book, Gut and Psychology Syndrome' By Natasha Campbell McBride. Here is a link to the website http://www.gapsdiet.com/ to show your mother. Ask her to buy you the book and read it and support you with this.
It shows how to heal the stomach which has an amazing affect on Autism, the highly respected Doctor who wrote it, helped her Autistic son and millions of others with either Autism of a whole variety of problems. It might seem a little too good to be true, however with the effort in following the recommendations in the diet, she has clinical proof of the affect.
There is in fact a gut and mind connection that most of us are not aware of including general Doctors as they are trained specialise in one or two areas of the body only.
The foods you eat and other factors explained in the book, affect everything including Autism. I sincerely hope you read this as I have had success with it for Chrons disease and millions have had success for Autism and other mental disabilities.
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A
male
reader, spinnaker  +, writes (1 June 2011):
 you are asking if a grown woman should be able to date a grown man?
Just because you have some challenges you face every day does not mean you can not enjoy the things any other person out there can enjoy - like dating.
Just remember you do not have to marry Bobby nor do you have to set up all these plans right away. Relationships take time to grow and many people wish to jump right into marrage and the rest of their lives without enjoying all the things that make up a relationship.
The only advice I have for you is to take things slow and not rush into anything because it just felt right at the time.
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A
male
reader, MikeEa1  +, writes (1 June 2011):
 the age difference is a significant factor but you can't be ruled by this. You should carry on with your plans. The engagement date is still 1 year 9 months away. You are entitled to enjoy your life the best way you can. Wellwishers including your mum will want you to do this and that for the best reasons sometimes but you and only you understand your full circumstances and you and only you must decide. Let the situation ride for a while and see how feelings develop.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 June 2011): Why not stay with him? Listen to your heart. Do you want to be with him? Do you love him or at least really like him. Don't let your mother make your choices, though I'm sure she was doing it in the best of intentions. I don't think age matters unless it matters to you.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 June 2011): Why not first try living on your own when you leave the home. Spend some time adjusting to life on your own. During this time you can date Bobby. Then if this goes well, then you can plan to get married.
take it one step at a time.
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A
female
reader, Jac2b55 +, writes (1 June 2011):
 Hey there,
you have not said anything about how you feel about this man... Do you like him? Or are you just wanting to get married and because he likes you, that is enough?
I would suggest you spend your time getting to know this man as a friend. Due to the age gap, you are both at very different stages of your life, so i would recommend spending alot of time with this man before you even think about marriage.
It iss not a rule in life that we have to get married. I think you need to back up and just worry about growing a loving relationship between yourselves first.
I see that you like to set yourself time lines. So why dont you consider setting a timeline of one year from today when you will decide whether or not you want to marry this man or if he is just a good friend.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 June 2011): I'm not so concerned with the age gap as the fact that you have met this man while more or less confined to a group home. I'm sure he's a perfectly wonderful guy, but when you move out in a year do you want to move straight into a long-term commitment or perhaps experience a bit of life on the outside first? Will he be moving out at the same time you are? Not to be cruel or discriminatory, but are his mental conditions under control to the point that you feel you could have a stable long term relationship/marriage with him?
You say you've never had a traditional boyfriend. I really think you would be doing yourself a disservice if you settle down with this guy before getting your own life, on your own, sorted out a bit. Best wishes and best of luck :)
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