A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I have been with my partner for a year and just recently we bought a home together. I came to the relationship with £7000 debt on my credit card and he agreed that this should go on our mortgage as the interest rate was cheaper. We were talking abou this recently and he mentioned that i should think of a way of finding the money to clear the debt. I was shocked and hurt that he would suggest this. Now I wasn't expecting him to pay my debt but i kind of assumed that the debt was just 'cleared off' now that we were together. I know if it had been the other way round, I would have just wriiten the £7000 off. For me a relationship is about sharing and giving. To me it just feels a little like a business transaction. We pay the mortgage 50/50 the bills 50/50 along with everything else! I posed the question 'what if we get married? Would you still expect me to pay the £7000 if we split up?' and his reply was 'yes' because I had the debt prior to meeting him. I am so hurt and upset! I'm sure if I came into a lot of money now, he would just 'expect' that the money was 'ours' and not just mine. How can we go forward in this relationship when he sees the financial side of it as a business? Am I just being naive? Should I completely expect this response from him? Is it reasonable? It has got to the point where I won't feel comfortable about him paying for anything now as he will think it's £7000 plus what ever he has bought that i now owe! What shall I do?
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male
reader, Collaroy  +, writes (29 January 2008):
 Hi there,
so much for love conquers all huh? What a bunch of meanies we got here!!! :-)
Having said that I do agree your boyfriend has a point, 7,000 quid is a hell of a lot of money after all. But I see both sides to the story. If you love each other and are going to get married then your income and debts should be shared - otherwise what's the point in getting married?
And your boyfriend should have made it perfectly clear to you that the 7,000 portion of the mortgage is your responsibility to clear - he has done you a favour here and he must have assumed that you would honour your part of the bargain.
If he gave you the impression that the debt was to be shared then he can hardly turn around now and say you owe him. But if the intention was to simply help you out by saving interest then you should do the right thing by him and pay it off yourself, you did ring up this debt and it is yours to pay off.
You say you have a mortgage together as well, are the responsibilities shared for that, do you earn a similar income?
A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 January 2008): To the anonymous female reader. No, £7000 is just about double $7000 and is a heck of a lot of money to owe on a credit card. It's not tax-deductable in the UK.
Phil
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A
female
reader, Laura1318  +, writes (28 January 2008):
 In that hypothetical situation, he is not wrong in saying that you need to pay up the 7K when and if you split up. If you don't split and he loves you , he would help you pay for that debt.
When you go separate ways, that is how he sees it. It has not happened yet and it is just a hypothetical situation only . When it comes to the real thing , the results could be different.You are arguing over something which has not happened yet.
You may not accept his answer but at least you know where he stands on this issue. This is not the final answer....Keep all those receipts for things you paid with your money.
Just in case ..LOL!
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A
female
reader, birdynumnums  +, writes (28 January 2008):
 It's the equivalent of $14,000. The amount that it will cost on her mortgage, if paid over 25 years, will be $140,000.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 January 2008): Is that the same as seven thousand dollars? If so, I don't see the huge deal about 7 thousand dollars. If most people on here can say that they don't have at least that in debt, I wouldn't believe them. I know several ppl. who have a lot more debt than that. I owed almost ten thousand dollars to credit card debt a few yrs. ago. Now I owe about 1200 & I plan on paying that off when I get my tax money back this year. And I NEVER use a credit card anymore. And it's not the same as paying 70,000 because you get to write that off as a deduction every year on your taxes since it is on your mortgage. But if you are able to, you should try to pay it off, if for nothing else, to make him not nag you about it anymore. I feel that a marriage shouldn't be like a business transaction to a T, but there have to be responsibilities from each partner. I am a stay at home mom and my husband is awful w/ money where as I am really tight with it, and I am always trying to save money wherever I can. If there is not 1 partner like that, the couple usually will end up in financial disaster unless they make more money than they need. So in a sense, you should be happy he is financially responsible.
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A
female
reader, cd206 +, writes (27 January 2008):
 Let me ask you this.... when you added the debt to your mortgage did you feel this huge release of pressure from the debt first and then an urge to spend spend spend soon after. I guess tht while we all have small debts, £7000 is pretty extreme. Now obviously people are often under extreme circumstances... they lose their job so they can't pay their rent or feed themselves or similar. Maybe this is the way you got your debt. Or maybe you're in the practise of buying things and putting them on your credit card because you don't like to wait and save for them. If you're in the first group then this doesn't apply to you but if you think you're more in the second group then maybe he's just trying to correct your perception of spending and the importance of saving instead of taking advantage of credit, especially given the fact that you're about to embark on living together and he wants to be in control of his finances at all times.
£7000 isn't a debt you can pay off all at once but maybe you could do some extra hours at work or take on a second job... just do something to show him you're trying to pay off the debt even if it takes a long time. I think he'll start being a lot more relaxed about money if he sees you have a good attitude to your debt instead of seeing it as insignificant.
CD
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 January 2008): I personally agree with him. It was your debt prior, you would have had to pay it off, at a higher interest rate if you had not had the advantage of the home purchase, however the debt previously incurred by you, is yours. Unless you had a different agreement prior to putting it on the mortgage. It does not sound like he is changing the rules about this amount of money, perhaps he thought originally that you would be pay this amount off but at the lower interest rate as you would have had to have done if it had stayed on your personal credit card.
I don't think he is being unreasonable and I can't agree with the issue if you came into money he would share, the debt was prior to him from the sounds and he did not benefit. You have already by having a lower interest rate.
Sorry doll, it's not about him treating you like a buiseness transaction, but he is just making it clear that your debt prior to him is yours and fair enough. But, you are now in a joint relationship and share the current expenses and costs, but not the past debts and cost incurred by either party. He is just protecting himself as you should. If in the future you use either of your cards for the benefit of both, then both should bare the cost.
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A
female
reader, birdynumnums +, writes (27 January 2008):
The financial side of the relationship IS a business. It's a good thing that one of you has a business head on their shoulders, 7,000 on a credit card is a large amount amount of debt. I'm eternally grateful that my husband has a good business sense and that we are set to go into our retirement without any money worries. My parents and my siblings haven't taken their finances seriously enough, and now that their children are in University and they are getting older, they are seeing that there isn't as much time as you think to plan for your future. You should both be thinking about saving for your futures. That 70,000 that you could have in the future, according to Uncle Phil, is worth buckling down and saving up the 7,000 to clear up that debt. I think it's easy to say that you would do the same for him, but that's a moot point when you brought the debt into the marriage. I would say that if you are both earning the same amount, it's fair to split the bills 50/50%. If he is earning 90,000 and you are earning 45,000, it should be negotiated - perhaps 60/40% so that you have more money to clear up that debt - in the interest of being a fair partner.
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A
male
reader, Richard_EMids +, writes (27 January 2008):
 Here are your words :.... "Now I wasn't expecting him to pay my debt but i kind of assumed that the debt was just 'cleared off' now that we were together."
1)You are expecting him to pay your debt if you're not doing anything about it!!! The mortgage payments are 50/50, so at the moment he is paying your debt.
2) Saying "I kind of assumed..." , is one of those head-in-the-sand comments.
3) Accusing him of treating it like a business transaction is laughable. He gains nothing. In fact he loses. You are the one profiting.
4) I think you are deluding yourself, and trying to place blame on him. He has been exceptionally reasonable. Most would have left the £7000 in your name, as you spent the money beyond your means.
5)Without him, you probably would not be in a position to buy a house yet. Unless this is a student loan, lending institutions take account of your financial position and adjust their interest rate, and the amount they are prepared to lend accordingley. Your financial position will have compromised your boyfds better position. His status has carried you.
6) Yes , you are right. If he has to pay for more, he will start to think it is £7000 plus. You are creating all the ingredients for future relationship problems, and it's you that is doing it, not him.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (27 January 2008): Be fair. Clear up your debt asap.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 January 2008): Well, you came into the deal with a £7000 handicap. One could say that you were already irresponsible for running up such a huge debt. Your boyfriend has already shown good faith by sharing your debt risk by adding his name to it. Given the debt was there, he has made a wise decision by getting a lower interest rate for your debt.
"Assuming" the debt is "written off" is foolish frankly. The debt is not written off at all. Get real! Your boyfriend (not your husband) has to make monthly payments on it.
I think you should have offered to pay off the debt, or agreed to pay a higher contribution off the mortgage, after all he is "underwriting" your debt. Instead you seem to be ungrateful. He has probably suggested you think of a way of paying it off because you haven't done anything about it so far.
This type of immature attitude can lead to resentment within a relationship, which can seriously destabilise the strongest couples. He is probably wondering why you are already risking your feelings for each by behaving like this.
You can easily speculate if the situation were reversed you would be generous, but think again, you are the one trying to get out of your previous obligations, not him.
The best advice I can give you is that you try to restore his faith in you by coming up with your suggestions for repaying the money you spent beyond your capabilities. If you made straight cash payments to him , then it's £70pw for a year. You do this by either earning more or spending less.
Many women over the years have fought very hard to gain liberation and equality and an attitude like this just undermines their achievements.
I've been hard on you - you are probably a decent girl, but you are behaving like a freeloader.
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A
male
reader, Ziggy Z  +, writes (27 January 2008):
I think you are over reacting. Without knowing the size of your morgtgage, it is hard to say, but if your 7,000 is a significant portion of the mortgage, I could see his point. A second question is did the 7,000 conttribute anything in the way of assets to your home--eg did you bring furniture, car etc into the equation. I think you are not being totally honest to say you would forgive the 7000 if it was the other way around. A marriage is a partnership, and is is about sharing. Your question was framed if you broke up would yout still owe the money..that answer is yes. If you stay together, then answer would then be no.
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A
male
reader, breezer +, writes (27 January 2008):
I agree to a certain extend to Uncle Phil, but I do not agree that he should act that way. Firstly he did inicially agree to that part of the debt, and now he happens to have second thoughts? If he agreed to that, he should keep his word. Treating everything on 50/50 is more of a flatmates situation not of a couple relationship. Having said that you have only been one year with him and possibly not matured enough as a couple, and time will probably 'cure' this problem. And yes even though the mortgage rate is less, that seven grand will work out far more expensive.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 January 2008): To be brutally honest, in his shoes I wouldn't have set up a joint mortgage with anyone who had a £7000 debt on a credit card unless that person was earning more than £3500 a month and was able to clear the debt off in 4 months. That shows complete financial stupidity.
Putting your debt on the mortgage was even more stupid, because although the interest rate might be less, it's probably payable over something like 25 years which is a hell of a lot more expensive in the long run. Check the figures yourself and see how much that £7000 will have cost you after that length of time. Without actually calculating it myself, I'd say you'll be paying back that debt 10 times over - ie. £70,000.
He's being sensible, you're financially irresponsible. Simple as that, and no wonder he's acting the way he is.
Phil
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