A
male
age
30-35,
*hatsgoingon?
writes:Hey people, I need some advice I recently had a conversation with my girlfriend about this guy she was talking to while we were broken up last april. We have been back together for nearly a year now and this guy is persistent but my girlfriend is doing nothing about it. She says he is a nobody but I really think the guy likes her and is trying to get with her. She told me she ignores his messages on facebook but I found out she lied about that. I found out because I was getting tired of all the BS and deep down I felt something wasnt right. I went in her email and saw the following messages (down below). She told me she wouldn't lie to me and she is being honest and that she only sent him one message back. In addition, I asked her to answer me truthfully and honestly and answer if she thinks that the guy is interested in her..She said no. So I asked her out of respect for our relation I feel uncomfortable so could she stop talking to him and she said yes. But she still responded last night (the last 2 messages).I dont know if she just likes the attention or whatever but I am getting tired of it. And I think during the last messages she actually said she had no boyfriend. SMH. As you read down below can you answer if you think she is lying? Did she actually disclaim me saying she did not have a bf? And I read her email so of course shell bemad if I say that but how can I tell her I know or express to her that what she is doing is upsetting? PLEASE HELPPS. the only messages I could see was his but you could kind of guess what she is saying.Re: i missHey how r yu _____January 13, 2011 at 8:46pmRe: i missNothing just here at work while my patients are sleepin I say let me hit up to see what u up too how's ya day todayRe: i missmy day was pretty good just start werkin at 4 pm to 12 am n then ima go at 1 am to 8 amJanuary 14, 2011 at 1:53amRe: i misswat u geetin to toniteJanuary 14, 2011 at 1:56amRe: i missi hope u feel better n get some sleep n rest okayJanuary 16, 2011 at 1:30pmRe: i misshey beautifulJanuary 16, 2011 at 11:48amRe: i missIm chillen just eating now then work later wats up with yuJanuary 16, 2011 at 4:48pmSubject: HeyU still wit ur ex r u got a new bfJanuary 16, 2011 at 11:55pmRe: i missIm supprice u dont have a bf yet but its coo less drama i guessJanuary 17, 2011 at 12:46amRe: HeyWhen u gonna come to c me or ill come to c u
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male
reader, AvgGuy1 +, writes (19 January 2011):
 Oooh... Your snooping... although probably justified... can get you in trouble with the law! Google: arrested for reading email
In short a HUSBAND read his WIFES email for what seems to be justifiable reasons, yet the law (a state law in this case)... made this sort of snooping ILLEGAL. My guess is the guy will be found guilty, but since it's probably his first offense he'll get a steep fine and probation.
Now, with all that said - cause you've already done the deed... how to deal with HER:
In reading the dialog that you pasted in it's kind of hard to tell who is talking to who... however, for the most part it looks FAIRLY innocent... i.e. she's just doing the common courtesy of replying thing - with the exception of that last message - and that looks like it's from him... not her.
I WOULD suggest to you tell tell her to UN-FRIEND the person, and possibly change her cell-phone number, if he's sort of stalking her. If they are just friends... then you need to have her make it clear to him to back off. And even though talking from 2-6am might be the only time (then) that they could talk - that's fairly inappropriate. I mean really... WHAT were they talking about for 4 hours?!?!
Now, I would NOT, based on the aforementioned legal issues, tell her you've been reading her emails.
If she still has her email/FB account I would, since you've already crossed that line, keep an eye on them for something more concrete... and then if it does happen/pan out... just tell her that you're not satisfied with how the relationship isn't really working out... and you want to split up for good.
A
female
reader, Denissia  +, writes (19 January 2011):
 Then leave it to chance my dear,only time will tell. Remember the saying,if something is for you,no matter what it will be for you,things will work out,maybe God has a different plan in store for your happiness,okay,dont stress,focus on your studies,by the next few months you will have forgotten you even went thru all this with her...Leave it alone and just dont pressure her. Good night
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A
male
reader, idoneitagain  +, writes (19 January 2011):
Lets at least identify some of the problems that you are having:
- your gf is talking to a guy in secret that she started talking to while you were broken up, and hiding that relationship from you.
- Your gf is lying to you.
- Due to your girlfriend's behaviour, you feel like she is untrustworthy.
- This leads you to your own breach of her trust, by checking her messages.
- You don't know how to tell your gf that what she does upsets you.
- Your gf feels depressed.
I would say that all of these problems are related. It also seems to me that you have two choices. You can either talk to your gf about each of these issues, and try to work through them together as a couple, or you can end the relationship. Rather than blame your gf, you can try to ask her what the problem is. Ask her if she knows why she is pursuing a relationship with a guy that she feels she has to hide from you, does she know why she lies to you, or feels depressed? Ask her what she thinks you should do, what would she do if she caught you doing the same things to her? Ask her what she wants, does she want to be with you? Ask her what she is willing to do to make your relationship stronger.
If she is able to open up to you and start to talk about all of these things, and if you can talk about the things that upset you and that you don't like, you might be able to get to a point where you are able to create a good relationship again. You also need to decide, based on her behaviour, whether you think you will be able to trust her again, as this is the second time she is behaving like this. Relationships can't work without trust.
Good luck.
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A
male
reader, Whatsgoingon? +, writes (18 January 2011):
Whatsgoingon? is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks Denissia but romantic getaway?? I'm in college and I don't have money to just be having a romantic getaway with someone I feel might be disrespecting me and our relationship. That doesnt solve anything just hides the truth. We had 3 months apart before I think we had enough space and thats unfair to give her time to think about if she wants to be with me or not. Totally unfair
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A
female
reader, Denissia +, writes (18 January 2011):
No! do not confront her,can't you see you are losing her? Romantic getaway or give her space,she needs to think
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A
male
reader, Whatsgoingon? +, writes (18 January 2011):
Whatsgoingon? is verified as being by the original poster of the questionSo yeah I was talking to her today and she was mentioning how she was depressed. I asked why and she told me she doesnt know. And that she came to the conclusion that she is deleting her facebook because of drama for no reason. Mind you I never told her about seeing anything yet. All I said is that I want to see and talk to her tomorrow.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (18 January 2011):
 I get the sense that you are acting a bit like her father, checking up on her, and she is treating you a bit like a parent. As in lying to you and hiding the things she doesn't want to have to explain to you. It's really very childish of her. She does these things and then can't explain it to you? She continues to talk to other guys for hours?
I know you have been with her for 4 years, but it sounds as though she is looking to escape a bit, by talking to these other guys.
Honestly, rather than put yourself through the misery of continually checking up on her for the rest of your life, why don't you take a long break. Obviously, the reason you broke up continues to the be the issue and she isn't doing anything different, other than getting sneakier about it. And you in turn get sneakier about checking up on her.
Her words and her actions are two different things--another sign she's not as into you and the relationship as 4 years would suggest.
My advice to you is to let her go and remove yourself as being the safe backup she so clearly expects of you. Take yourself out of the parental role and let her fly on her own. She may actually appreciate what she's lost if she is given a chance to miss it. She may be feeling smothered, she may be taking you for granted, there may be many motivations behind her behavior. Whatever it is, she is the one who has to work through it herself, you can't make her 'behave' in the way you'd like her to. You can only manage your behavior and your reactions to hers.
I'd lay it out for her, tell her what you know (so she can't feed you any BS about it) and then break up with her for longer than a month. You're just repeating the cycle over and over again, time to break it up and try a new fresh approach, without her for the time being. If she was meant to be with you, she'll realize it soon enough and will try to come back, but you have to stop being her parental monitor, okay?
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A
male
reader, Whatsgoingon? +, writes (18 January 2011):
Whatsgoingon? is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks, yeah I know I violated her privacy and I do feel bad for it but I ad the gut feeling that something wasn't right. Shes 21 and so am I. What broke us up back then was the fact that we argued about matters like this and overtime I got bitter about it, being unsolved completely, and kind of resented her for it but at the same time made myself believe that we were doing okay. But she got upset, felt lonely, and that I wasnt there for here when she went to college in DC ( Im in PA) because it sounded like I didnt care about her situation when I did. But I do admit I could have taken a different approach. We got back together in March and I broke up with her in April because she was talking to her "friend" on the phone from like 2am to 6am in the morning. When I asked her if something was going on she said no he was just a friend, worked all day and only got off at night so that is the only time she is able to talk to him. I didnt buy it but said okay but i feel uncomfotable and she said she would stop. I paid the phone bills so I checked and the night that we discussed this she did it again. And then I talked to her again and then it happened again. SO I broke up with her. We got back together in June after a month apart and we were having an honest conversation. She told me that she did in fact like the guy and she doesnt know why she did that and resents doing that. But this is an ongoing factor in a relationship. Everytime a guy that she becomes friends with enters our relationship its like the status, respect, honesty, and other other factors goes down like I was just there till the next best thing. I been with her for over 4 years.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (18 January 2011):
The troubling thing is that she is lying flat out about being in contact with him. You've done something wrong, of course, by going into her email but now that you know the truth, I don't think you'll be able to hide that from her. Your trust issues now are too great to ignore the facts. One is that she is indeed in contact with him and it does look like she told him she had no boyfriend, second is that you violated her privacy.
Frankly, I think it's likely she still has feelings for the guy and is just keeping him strung along. Based on your age range, how old is she? I guess it doesn't really matter, as she is simply hiding this from you, and could do that at any age.
Why did you take a break in the first place? What broke you up back then? Maybe there are too many issues with this relationship and it would be a wiser thing to let her go gracefully and find a girl who ISN'T still in contact with the ex and lying about it. There are many girls out there who would NOT do this.
Good luck.
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A
female
reader, Denissia +, writes (18 January 2011):
Hi,im busy and have go out,but i will respond to the one i've read so far. I have a heavy heart going out to you on the matter. What i do know is that whoa,hold up,dont u see what's goin on here? She is totally over you and in love or thinking,actually fanticizing about this "friend". She has alredy moved on!! She's with you,but her mind is not,do you see any signs?-Her clothing or her items disappearing-She is hiding texts,or emails,smiling and saying its nothing-She rather be alone,does not want to make love anymore-Smiling a little too muchAll these are signs,that she has moved on,if none are there for u too see,apart frm the secret emails,u have a chance of winning her heart. Trust me,u've lost her,u all can be how much in love,if u all are quarreling then she leans on this friend. Take for instance the email "you're single,then less drama. She's thinking about being with this friend,he grew on her,she's guilty,not the friend,the only thing that her friend is guilty of is wanting your girl for probably a period longer than you've known her. She knows she can fall back on this guy. I am goin thru the same thing,i left my guy because he was abusive,and i start fanticizing on the "friend" who was always there for me,i got a big surprise,he is still there for me,but seemingly has casual sex,and wants that frm me to,not a realationship,so i am staying to myself,she needs you to tell her you love her evryday,buy roses for her,dont ask her abt him,make her wake up,come back to reality and say you are her guy,carry her on a little,what your budget can afford,romantic getaway,plan it and hopefully u wont be disappointed,tell her u are hurt but thats okay and you want to make up for the arguing by carrying her somewhere. You would not lose her if you just be calm,show her she could lose you too,just a little,by saying you need to go out,if she asks where,dont tell her,make her feel unwanted "after" the romantic getaway,go talk to a girl abt this,or a cousin. If she still doesnt want to be with you,then accept it,she has alredy moved on...My best wishes to u
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A
male
reader, Whatsgoingon? +, writes (18 January 2011):
Whatsgoingon? is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOkay so should I take these messages and show her or should I just hold them and tell her I know she is lying??
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A
male
reader, rcn +, writes (18 January 2011):
 I think your right. There is something that is not right there. I'd confront her. You have the information that you do, so even though she may be mad, you don't deserve to be played. Keep in mind that she's not like this because of you. She's this way because of who she is. Looking at your age group, she may not have the maturity or fortitude to be completely committed. She may be someone who seeks attention. You give it to her from your place in her life as being her boyfriend, but she may like attention that other guys give her as well, even if it's flirtatious and not physically based. This generally stems from having a low sense of self. Attention to some is like drugs or alcohol to another. It's to fill a void that one is missing within themselves to make them feel more whole. If so, it's something that affects you and it hurts, but it's not something that you caused.
Take care.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (18 January 2011): No 1 problem in a relation is LIE!! You have two options. One, tell her you know she have lied to you and ask her why. Sure she will have nearlly convicing explanation. Then either she will stop contacting him or become more secretive and you can't know more. Two, keep what you know for urself and continue your follow up untill you get concrete evidence.
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