A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My girfriend and I have a very close friend. She is a wonderful girl. It's always the same scene with her. She meets a guy, they are really into each other for a few days / weeks, then the guy realizes how heavy she is and distances himself. (I'm speaking for the guy here).she has a wonderful personality, a lot of friends, a lot of good friends, always has company to keep her happy and busy, but she is miserable that she cant' find romance. She was crying to my GF and I about thsi latest guy who she really liked, and asked us what she did wrong. I told her flat out, you didn't do anything wrong, but if you lost weight, around 70 pounds, men would treat you much differently. They like you at first a lot, but these men are a lot more slender than you and after a certain point, they can't look past the weight. I told her I don't mean to sound cruel, but this is reality, and if you lost weight you would turn heads and you would find so much more happiness than just romance. I've been overweight in my life, so I know how it was. She asked my opinion, and I gave it to her. Her response was men like a thick girls. No they don't, and that's denial. Sexual attraction is huge in a relationship, and I can understand why men feel that way towards her. How do I convince her loosing the weight will be good for her not just for the relationship but for her entire life. She's a good friend, and we really do care about her and hate to see her this way.
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 July 2010): You know I want to know how tall she is and what her weight actually is. How much does she weigh?
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female
reader, kitty-cat=] +, writes (28 June 2010):
![kitty-cat=] agony aunt](/avatars/4e276644-588c-43d2-bf37-fe35b92660b5.png) if you really want her to be happy and find a man you have to help her. if she thinks men like thick girls, that means she doesn't think she can lose the weight. if she could magically make her thin im sure she wouldn't hesitate to do so. maybe you could go on walks with her or show her the documentary "Super size Me". point is, if she is 70 pounds over weight she obviously needs help. try telling her how much better you feel when your in good health! i just got done running four miles, being healthy really does amazing things to your body. hope she finds someone, she sounds nice. shes lucky to have a friend who cares so much :)
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female
reader, maxxie +, writes (28 June 2010):
 i think she should lose weight if shes too fat, for her health and to look better. she doesnt have to be anorexic, just healthy. best luck to her.
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female
reader, maxxie +, writes (27 June 2010):
i dated an obese man, i loved him. she will find someone who loves her the way she is. losing weigjt benefits your health though...
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female
reader, EbonyBlossom  +, writes (26 June 2010):
 Perhaps you didn't put is as diplomatically as you should have. But you do have a point. It is true, as a man, and someone who has been overweight, that you would probably know. Perhaps she is in denial of her weight problem. Get your girlfriend to talk to her because girls feel uncomfortable talking about their weight with guys. She could do with some positive guidance, maybe someone to join her in excercise and share a healthy diet with.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 June 2010): I think most people who responded here are wrong. Look, if you're fat, you're fat. And if this guy is saying she is 70 pounds overweight, SHE NEEDS TO LOSE WEIGHT. Quit coddling people, people. If you're overweight, don't get upset if someone tells you, that you need to lose weight. His intentions were obviously to help her. Look if someone never told me I needed to lose weight. I would still be 250 pounds. Now I'm 120 and I love my life and I thank those who were straight foward with me and told me waht was good for me.
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female
reader, Carrot2000 +, writes (26 June 2010):
 --She asked my opinion, and I gave it to her.--
And you asked the opinion of the posters on DC, and we gave it to you. But you know what? None of us are right.
The only person's whose opinion matters is your friend's because she is the one who gets to decide what's true for her. Not you. Not us. If she believes that her weight is not an issue and that some men like thick women, she is correct, and she will attract men who indeed have a preference for thick women. The fact that she has the interest of some men, even in the short-term, is evidence of this.
What these men may not like is a woman who is boring and has poor conversational skills. Maybe these men don't like women who talk about themselves too much, or who laugh too loudly or who wear white shoes after Labor Day or vote Republican. Who knows? But the fact that they go out with her in the first place indicates that her weight is not the issue, so you must stop advancing this point.
--I told her I don't mean to sound cruel, but this is reality, and if you lost weight you would turn heads and you would find so much more happiness than just romance.--
Maybe you were unhappy when you were overweight, but she doesn't seem to be: "she has a wonderful personality, a lot of friends, a lot of good friends, always has company to keep her happy and busy". I don't know if you feel that women didn't find you attractive when you were overweight, but you cannot judge her experience by yours. And you cannot possibly speak for all men in America. It's clear you don't find your friend sexually attractive because of her weight and you can't possibly fathom that other men do. Your opinion of what is and is not appealing comes from your lens of the world, which is fine, but acknowledge that there are other lenses out there.
Please try to offer your friend advice and support that is not COMPLETELY shaped by your bias because that's what it is: YOUR BIAS. Not the bias of every man in America, YOURS. If you can't do this, leave task of giving romantic advice to your girlfriend. Your own history of being overweight makes it impossible for you to have any objectivity on this issue.
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 June 2010): I think guys at first like her because of her personality, trying to see beyond her weight, but then cant go pass her looks.70 lbs. is a very serios weight issue, that is harmfull to your friends health. People are attracted to what's healthy, this is how nature created us. May be she is comfortable in her own skin, good for her self esteem, but shhe really need to adress her weight issue because of the health reasons. Diabetes, cancer, joint paint, heart problem even loung problems ussualy a cause of bad nutrition and extra weight.You are a good friend that u worry about her, she needs to be motivated by someone to start her healthy way of life.70 lb. are not meant to be there if a person leads healthy life style.You can be on a thick side, how some people put it, but 70 lb is not being on a thick side, it's being dangerously owerweight. She is still young but wait till years will kick in, these 70 lb,will turn into all kind of illnesses.Good luck, i don't what else you can do. Try not to push the issue w her attractivness, go toward health issue.
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female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (26 June 2010):
 Yes, my guess is she is not telling you the full story. Men aren't blind. If they don't like what they see they don't got for it. Unless it is for a quick fix, which is why I asked if she sleeps with them right away.
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (26 June 2010):
 OP, I don't think anybody is championing obesity here. If your friend is 70 pound overweight, then she should shed some just for health reason,regardless of the boyfriend issue. And if you want us to admit that many men ( but by no means all of them ) prefer slim girls to heavy girls, we can do that.
But that's not the point, the point is what you wrote does not make sense.
"After a few WEEKS they realize she is so heavy..." Why ,are they blind that they can't realize it right away ? And why would they ask out a fat girl ,whom they are repelled by ? Just for the fun of pretending they find her attractive, and then turning her down because they actually don't find her attractive ? ...
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reader, chigirl +, writes (26 June 2010):
Of course, you know her better than us. But you don't know her better than herself. If she is happy with her weight and don't have a problem with her weight, then the weight is not the issue.
Why do the men date her in the first place if they are not attracted to her? I never try to hook up with a man I find butt-ugly. I go for the good-looking ones. And last time I checked men do the same. So explain that one to me? Her problem wasn't getting dates or attention. Her problem was to keep men around for more than a few weeks, right?
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female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (26 June 2010):
 I'm sure you are being quite selfless and hoping to help out a friend, but you've glommed onto the weight thing as if that were the only issue. Clearly it is not, as she is able to attract guys well enough to go out and get hot and heavy for a few weeks. They wouldn't even date her if they couldn't stand her weight.
Women have a tendency to discuss and vent about their problems. They're not actually looking for solutions. She knows she has to lose weight if she's 70 lbs overweight. That's not what the discussion with you and your girlfriend was about. What that was about was that she wanted someone to listen, without judging and without offering solutions. She may have said she wanted advice, but she actually wanted to be supported and comforted after the break up.
This is one of those things that men and women need to understand about the other gender. Men tend to be problem-solvers and don't need a whole lot of discussion about the situation. Women know what needs to be done, they're looking for emotional support.
So yes, you're right, she could stand to lose a few pounds. She knows that. What she wanted from you was some compassion and support, not judgement and a solution.
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 June 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHaha..wow a lot of sensitive peeps over here. She's a good girl. She's only had one boyfriend in her life. Very innocent. Look, I know her better than all of you, I'm surprised a lot fo you think it's not the weight that is holding her back, and it is. I know it is. She's a very pretty girl with a great personality otherwise.
Look I'm pc like anybody else...but I'm also a realist.....that's why I never called her FAT or UGLY. I told her what she needed to do and what she needed to know.
But to some other posters point...she needs to realize that herself.
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 June 2010): Hey OP.
"if you lost weight you would turn heads" = you're fat
"but if you lost weight, around 70 pounds" = you're overweight by about 70 pounds (fat)
"they can't look past the weight" = they don't like you because you're fat
"Sexual attraction is huge in a relationship, and I can understand why men feel that way towards her" = I see why guys don't think she's sexually attractive i.e. ugly
Again I say grow up OP :P You're old enough to distinguish between outright saying and implying something, they're the same thing.
"America is very visually driven culture, where being overweight is not attractive" over 1/3 of Americans are obese thats about 100 million are you saying that 100 million of your citizens can't find a partner because of their weight? If you're country is so visually driven then why do you have so many big people in the first place?
I'm just telling you truthfully, no matter how visual your country is, there are lots of guys out there that will think she's beautiful but she's not going to get a chance to meet any of them if she has no confidence. Trust me it's not her weight that's the problem if it was they wouldn't even be going on a date with her in the first place.
You're not doing her any favours by telling her she is fat and ugly, you don't have to say those words for her to think that's what you mean and you know that.
Confidence is far more important than appearance, ask any of the other aunts here, no matter where you come from a smart confident woman is a thing of beauty, no matter how much she weighs.
If you wanna help, make her feel good about herself.
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female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (26 June 2010):
It can't be for the reason you say. Otherwise she would not even GET dates. Men are very visual creatures, and many of them a tad shallow too, and they would not ask her out just for the pleasure of her brilliant conversation. If they show her some interest, it means that, as unbelievable it may seem to you, she has passed muster according their visual standards. Why can't she keep them interested, we really can't say just based on the infos you provide. My guess is that she is too eager and too anxious about rejection, so she comes off as a bit desperate ,which is unappealing .
God bless America . America is looks driven, yes, but it's also so diverse and multicultural that every size shape colour and look have their estimators.
The real weight nazi are here in Europe. In New York I've seen a lot of Big Beautiful Women with very hunky,fit boyfriends.
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male
reader, baddogbj  +, writes (26 June 2010):
 Wow, I'm rather surprised that everyone has come down against you on this one because clearly, especially when young, weight and looks generally are an important factor in the commencement of relationships. It may be shallow but the billions and billions of dollars spent annually on cosmetics, perfume, fashion clothes and even plastic surgery tell us that looks are important to a lot of people. I say this as an ugly 280 lb guy.
If you really mean that she could lose 70 lb then you're saying that she weighs in at 190 - 220 lb which is pretty darn big for a girl. Of course it is going to be an issue for most men. It certainly would be for me. There are men out there that are attracted to big girls but they are in a minority.
It is a fine line to tread though, whilst you want to help, you don't want to undermine her confidence. I have a niece who is an absolutely lovely girl, vivacious and popular and kind but she is huge, probably 200 lbs + and whilst she has plenty of friends who are boys it is sad to see her being unable to get a boyfriend because of the extra poundage. No one in the family has had the nerve to intervene with her on this. We all just hope that eventually she'll work it out for herself.
I think you have been a good friend but don't expect to get any thanks for it.
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female
reader, Behkay +, writes (26 June 2010):
 First of all, that's very rude for you to say that this is a very close friend and you think that changing her appearence is going to help her find "love". I myself and a little on the thick side and I have a very small boyfriend and we've been together for almost three years. I am completely healthy, have my dose of excersise, and try my best to eat healthy but my weight has not stopped me from loving my self and finding someone who loved me. In other words, if she is truely happy with herself and does not want to change, you are the one who needs to accept it. You can't make her loose weight if she feels good about herself and wants to stay the way she is. Now if she complains about her weight a specifies that she wants a change, it would be best instead, you saying she is a close friend and you care about her, that you encourage her and help her instead of trying to be blunt and coming across and VERY rude. Invite her to the gym with you and instead of doing fast food all the time invite her to a vegeterian restaurant or help her cook healthy meals. There were so many other ways you could have approached this and frankly, you chose the rudest way. I'm sure she is hurt by what you said and you should apologize. Just remind yourself that all men do not think like you. I know my man loves thicker women so I wouldn't be so quick to judge if I were you.
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reader, LadyRedBBW +, writes (26 June 2010):
 I must speak on my behalf, and other confident plus size women...
If have a very high self esteem and confidence (hence my name and picture), I know that I am over weight, but now a days what is acceptable in society? There is somebody for everybody. God did not create us in the image of us all looking the same, talking the same, and acting the same. Learn to accept people for who they are. Instead of looking at weight being the only factor, look at what else might be the reason a guy may turn away. Maybe they see she is a good lady, and dont want to hurt her. Men pull away for many of reasons.
When I go out with my girl and sister, men would holla at me and not them.
Its all in the way you carry yourself.
I am very beautiful, and although I am plus size, I dont let that get me dont.
There are PLENTY of things I (plus size) can do, that some skinny chicks cant do. I cand bend in ways that others would be like, dang did she just do that. I can dance and move with rhythm!
So dont go telling your friend she cant find a man that isnt intrested because she is plus size, because there are men who love meat, and dont want to be hugging up all on bones all the time... :)
They want to be warm in the winter, and have a lady who knows how to cook for her man. You think a man wants to come home to some tofu dinner after he just worked a long hard shift. NO, he want a nice message, and to be greeted in something showing off the sexiness he loves to feel and see. Tabel set, nice home cooked meal waiting for him to devour...
And there are dating sites for plus size women, and men who love them..
So, dont go telling your friend she cant get no man because she is over weight, because you are not correct.
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reader, chigirl +, writes (26 June 2010):
Lots of guys like a woman with some curves, but being obese is in general not that attractive. Not always just because people don't like fat, but people imagine that an overweight person must be lazy, don't eat properly, don't take good care of themselves etc etc. There are a lot of assumptions made about an overweight person (just as with a very thin person too, many just assume they are dieting or something). So even if you are right, that her weight is putting the men off, it could be many of the things people believe comes with an overweight person, that is in essence putting them off.
You say they are into each other for a few days/weeks. It sounds like many short meetings with men, where they never truly get a chance to get to know her. So I believe, that if she is not lazy and is in fact a gorgeous girl who takes good care of herself, is smart and brilliant, she needs to find a way to make guys stick around long enough to get to know her.
I don't think it is her weight.. Because like others said: they can see what she looks like when they meet her. So it must be something else, maybe connected to her weight (like the false assumptions made) or something to do with how she is around guys those first days.
Just a wild guess, does she jump to bed with them right away? Many women who are slim experience the same issues she is experiencing. It often has something to do with constantly going for the same type of man, sleeping with him too fast (before a relationship has been established), or moving ahead too fast.
What else other than her weight can you see as being her problem? Perhaps a chance of scene would be good for her, not always dating the same type of men? Does she not know how to judge a mans character?
If it really is the weight, she mist be dating some shallow guys. I get that weight is not attractive to all, but if she is a great girl they should be able to overlook it. She can loose weight, but that will only keep them around long enough to get to know her. What if she can find another way to keep men in her life?
She should loose weight for her own good, not to please a man. It just wouldn't make her feel good about herself if she needs to change who she is for a man. If she is unhappy with her weight herself, fine, encourage her to loose it and support her. If she does not want to loose weight, but loves how she looks, try to help and support her in other ways.
If you are just tired about her coming to you with her men-troubles all the time, let your girlfriend deal with her and excuse yourself with being a man and not knowing how to deal with her problems.
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 June 2010): lol OP, how can you tell your friend to lose 70 pounds and not expect her to think you were calling her fat? Besides maybe it's an issue with her personality that turns the other guys away, not her weight. You are a male, therefore you think like a male. You are not a womane, therefore you do not think like a woman. When you tell a woman to lose 70 pounds, she's thinking you think she is fat and is not good enough to keep around. Just because you didn't say it doesn't mean she isn't thinking it. She may not have said it, but in her mind she is thinking it.Living in America has nothing to do with anything. There is obesity all over the world in other countries. Some culturs even think it's beautiful. Don't blame America for your generalizations. That's like blaming Obama for the way you generalize. lol
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 June 2010): Um if it was anything to do with her weigttheyd have dropped her on sight, trust.
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reader, Moonserenade +, writes (26 June 2010):
 Wow. One of the worst things you could ever tell a woman, is that she is fat and should shed a few pounds to find love. Seriously? Do guys really go for girls that ARE 70lbs? What would you tell a friend who weighed 70 lbs and needed to gain some weight? Women come in all shapes and sizes ad men love women in all shapes and sizes. Just because you have been overweight in your life does notnotnotnotnotnotnotnotnot give you the right to tell she is fat. I cannot stress that enough.
You, being such a great friend of hers, probably lowered her self esteem that night when you told her that. You don't lose weight for other people, you lose weight for yourself. So you telling her that is not going to make her lose weight but probably lower the confidence she has in herself the next time she sees a guy she likes. Good job.
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reader, spinnaker +, writes (26 June 2010):
 You are arrogant and presumptuous to generalize your friend's circumstance in such a way. And you are even more arrogant to think you can generally determine what is attractive to men.
Not everyone can be a size 2 and to encourage a woman to change simply for the reason of getting other's attention is not a very healthy motive for change.
If your friend is experiencing some health problems due to the weight, that is a cause for alarm and, in the most extreme cases, intervention.
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 June 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAhh Ceberus......that's your presepective, and I appreciate your comments, but America is very visually driven culture, where being overweight is not attractive. It is a make or break here....so you can tell me to grow up, but reality is reality.....by the way, I never called her ugly or fat......YOU DID. :) I never even used the word "Fat" in my post or reply.
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reader, pepper27 +, writes (26 June 2010):
 Hi Hun
Well she may be happy in herself, You are not saying she is dangerously over weight, You are not saying you are concerned for her health..You are telling this woman that unless she sheds a few pounds she will not find love...
That will not make anyone happy sweetheart, She would do this for herself if she felt threatened in anyway and if a guy does go out with her then he must have found something attractive about her in the first place, Not all men are alike..
If she is unhappy within then I would sit with her and talk about all the possibilitys, But to turn around and tell someone loose 70lb and you will turn heads will probably piss them off, Even though you are trying to help it will still hurt..Maybe your g/f can spend some time with her and hopefully your friend will feel alot better soon, You have said what you think and believe me she may appear to brush it off but she wont have that will be on her mind.
I hope things work out TAKE CARE LOVE MANDY X
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 June 2010): You can't because frankly you're wrong. Weight isn't the issue, they see how big she is from the outset if they cared about her weight they wouldn't have started seeing her for the days/weeks you say they do.
Where is your evidence for this? Have you spoken to these guys? If they didn't, then how did they not notice her weight in the first place?
Also if these guys were treating her like this because of her weight then they're asses and it's better she doesn't date such shallow idiots. You say you can understand how men feel like this towards her then you're only speaking for them from your perspective because I can tell you weight has never been an issue for me or most guys I know.
You're going about this the completely wrong way, instead of trying to raise her confidence in herself you're telling her she's fat and ugly, are you for real? Just because you don't find big girls sexually attractive doesn't mean all men have your taste.
Seriously dude grow up. Confidence is the most appealing thing sexually for most people and by telling her she's fat and not attractive you're taking that away from her.
'she has a wonderful personality, a lot of friends, a lot of good friends, always has company to keep her happy and busy' tell her this kind of stuff and keep telling her, stop actentuating her flaws and tell her about all the good things there about her. If you really want to help her then build up her confidence, if she wants to lose wieght fine but seriously DON'T YOU DARE tell her that the reason she can't get a guy is because she's fat and ugly because that's a load of crap.
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 June 2010): I don't think you can, she has to see it for herself. Instead of using keeping a boyfriend as a reason do it, which isn't going to do a lot for her confidence, try the health route, that way she would be loosing weight for herself and no one else. Maybe you could help her come up with a plan of how to do it.
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