A
male
age
41-50,
*ukefortender
writes:I'm 5 years of marriage and i am my wife's first man, she was virgin before me i wasn't. The fact is she used to date a guy by distance and we have a lovely friend who is this guy parent! I get jealous everytime we have to go to a child party or to the church because this guy family always make child parties and always are in the church in the sundays, our friend who is his aunt enjoys the family. I don't know what to do, i talk to my wife she says that nothing to do because they dated just by distance (3 months) and we can't lose our friend (his aunt) who always support and likes us, that she choose me instead of him, she loves me, she wants me, keep me asking why i don't trust her, i should trust her! I just don't get it guys, its hard for me. SHe could be in my place to understand my feelings! Everytime this happens, even in a someone's son party or a random day in the church! What to do? Am i too jealous? Am i wrong?
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male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (10 April 2012):
 I bet to disagree with lovely Tisha on the issue of therapy.
So you don't want her to even have dated someone before you?
GET A GRIP ON YOURSELF!
A
male
reader, landomando +, writes (10 April 2012):
OMG are u kidding me!! you are jealous about this?!!!!!!?!!!:?!??!?!?!? You were your wifes FIRST!!!!! wow I am so freakin mad right now I would kill for a girl like that!! I dated a girl when i was 17 for a year!!! I found out 3 months in I was her 5th!!!! her first was when she was 13. Her other 3 guys and other guys she hooked up with I knew all of them! You dont know what being jealous is. If i knew that to begin with i wouldnt have dated her but i fell for her.You are so lucky you are her first and only. Pretty much most guys have to have that in the back of there mind that there wife/gf has been with multiple guys. Yours hasnt! Get over it!
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A
female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (10 April 2012):
 OP you do know you're not going to be spared for this one right? You're punishing your wife for DATING another man while you had sex with other women before her! Going by your logic, she should have kicked you to the curb! Please grow up and don't ruin your marriage over this issue. Your wife is being patient with you now, soon there will be a time when she will feel that enough is enough. You're just testing her patience. Keep in mind that people who live in glass houses should not throw stones at others.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (10 April 2012):
 I've seen you post before on this topic. You clearly are struggling with the jealousy issue and expect your wife to comprehend your feelings. The problem for her is that your fears and jealousy appear to be baseless, not grounded in reality. They are something that has come out of your own thought processes and thus, they are your own problems to solve.
My recommendation is to look into some therapy, you could probably talk with your physician to be given a good idea as to which type of therapy to seek.
In other words, get some good trained, quality, professional help here. You are taking this out on your wife and it's just an irrational fear on your part at this point. It's time to man up and deal with it, with decent help. You appear to be floundering around hoping that someone here will have that magic answer for you that will make all your anxiety and distressed thinking go away. We don't have it, not for the level of RJ you appear to be experiencing.
Good luck.
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A
female
reader, Foot-In-My-Mouth  +, writes (10 April 2012):
 Yes, you're wrong. And for heaven's sake dump those hypocritical double standards. She was a virgin, you weren't. She has more reasons to be jealous but she's reasonable and not consumed by ego. So admit your mistake, apologise to her and stop making her life miserable for no fault of hers!!
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (10 April 2012):
 She was a virgin before she met you.
You were NOT a virgin when you met her.
You have 100x the sexual history that she did, yet you're obsessed with her interest in some other guy before she met you?
There's something really obsessive and off-balance at your whole view of her life up until she met you. If there was ANY cause for insecurity, SHE'd have much more right to it, since you went far beyond dating someone else.
You should go beyond trusting her, because you have no moral justification for not trusting her. You were the one who stuck it in another woman. She is as "clean" as it gets. You should be on your knees begging for forgiveness for treating her like you're doing right now, because by your own rules, you shouldn't have deserved her in the first place, given how ridiculously "unclean" you are.
Just to make my point, I don't consider virginity to be pure or unpure or clean or unclean, but it bothers me that you're obsessed with her having dated another guy, NOT slept with him, yet you had much more of a sexual history than she did. That's insane, and it's wrong.
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A
female
reader, ToHereKnowsWhen  +, writes (10 April 2012):
 You're becoming overwhelmed by jealousy. You could consider being in her place... she chose YOU! Her relationship (the little that there was) is over. It's just bad luck that you two still have a connection with this guy. But that's all it is... bad luck. Don't take it out on your wife. Jealousy can be terribly destructive.
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim +, writes (10 April 2012):
 Your jealousy is way out of line, it would be difficult for a sane person to put themselves in your shoes to understand because how you feel is just, so not normal!
Why dont you trust her, what has she ever done, to deserve your mistrust. Why is she to blame because you are so wrapped up in this irrational feeling when you are at a child's birthday party or in church.
What do you want your wife to do, lock herself away from her friends and stop living? Is that what you want, a nice little dolly that you can keep all to yourself in a little box? What happens when you realise that even if you keep her away from the birthday parties and church the past still exists, how are you going to deal with that?
My advise to you is to speak to a medical professional for a referral to a doctor who will be able to help you.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (10 April 2012):
 I agree with your wife.
that she choose me instead of him, she loves me, she wants me, keep me asking why i don't trust her, i should trust her!
Get over it. They "dated" 3 months long distance, obviously it wasn't LOVE for either of them.
If you don't want to do kids parties at the Church don't go.
Not to sound mean, but I just don't see why you are even jealous. You are in your mid 20's and have been married for 5 years, you wife was an ALMOST blank slate when it comes to guy before she met you. She TALKED to this guy for 3 months THAT is all.
And why the double standard? She was a virgin when she met you, you weren't, but I don't SEE her having problems with you having had sex before marriage..
I believe some people will bring up retrograde jealousy and maybe you need to find someone who can help you WRAP your head around the fact that this is not really about her, it's about you.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 April 2012): You need to man up!
SHE was a virgin before you got married, YOU WERE NOT!
Now because she dated someone long distance for 3 months, you can't deal with that, and are insanely jealous?
How about what she COULD feel about your not being a virgin, hmn?
Double standards my friend, double standards!
Accept it as part of her PAST, a very innocent past I may add, and get over it. Be a man, treat her right, and make her forget her past and yours as you build your marriage with the right foundations - of acceptance, respect, love and everything else you vowed!!! Unless it was arranged, then still treat her right! She gave you a prize, treat her as such!!!
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