A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:On Wednesday, I took my girlfriend to a restaurant with a beach view, the horse races, and a Padres game which all cost $120. Keep in mind that we are both full-time college students and I don't have a job because I write for the school newspaper and am taking more units than normal so I can graduate early. The whole date, she kept saying that she can't wait to have sex with me later. This includes the tongue-in-cheek motion where it looks like she is giving oral sex. Well, when we get home, she goes on the computer and rejects all of my advances and then says she's gonna go to bed. In the morning, we have amazing sex. I ate her out for a long time and she orgasmed several times while we had sex. I said that it was amazing and that we need to have some more sex at night when she gets back from work, to which she replies, "HELL YEAH WE BETTER, that was amazing!". I say we're gonna have sex ALL night long and she says "of course baby, that sounds soooo good!", then she goes to work. When she comes back from work and I try to turn her on, she says she's too tired and says she's going to bed. I say that i'll just eat her out and she can relax, but she doesn't want to at all and she goes to bed. Two nights ago, she said all I care about is sex. She said this despite the fact that the whole night, I was helping her with find a roommate for our house and we just talked about different things all night without me making any sexual advances. Even when I gave her a simple kiss on the cheek, she says everything I do is about sex. Even though we had this argument, we actually had sex 15 minutes later and she says she cant wait to have crazy sex tomorrow and I tell her i'm gonna eat her out all day and she can just relax while I do it. When i try to come on to her the next day, she isn't interested at all. Then, she starts getting ready for work and I tell her I'm gonna eat her out all night and she can just relax all night while I do it, just in case she's super tired from work. She says that better be a promise and I say of course it is. Then she promises to do some amazing stuff to do me too. She comes home from work, U warm up some food for her, then we talk about our new place that we're about to move into in a week. She asks me to help her with what to do with her classes for school and I help her with her career path for about 2 hours. Shortly after that, anytime I try to kiss her (not even in a sexual way), she says it tickles and isn't interested at all. Then, she says she's going to sleep and when I try to cuddle and get close to her, she doesn't want any of it. Today, coming back from getting food, she says she's sooo horny, but she says ALL I think about is sex, so she doesn't want to do it. This almost made me explode and just go off, but I held it all in. I've been trying to suppress all my sexual emotions the past couple days just to keep her happy, despite all her promises and talking about sex. However, she is still not satisfied with me. Does she realize how much this is killing me inside to be without sex, even though she kept promising it and then not even being interested at all. Then she says she's horny, but she doesn't wanna have sex, basically because I'm horny?? She says this despite the fact that I helped her look up requirements for majors and what you can do with different majors ALL night? How does that make sense?Now the reason I bring this up is we have been going out for eight months now. The first couple months, we had sex at least three times a day. Sometimes, it would be up to eight times in a day. She always said it would be that way. Now, I am lucky if we have sex once every other day. I never had to be romantic to have sex, she would just jump on me and be all over me. She used to touch me at all times of the day, in all different locations (the car, school, ETC.). Now, she never initiates sex, I always have to. The only time she will ever come on to me is when she is drunk. Additionally, I have to be extremely romantic to get her in the mood. I have no problem with being romantic, I am just confused as to why she never comes on to me anymore. She constantly tells me that I am the sexiest man in the world and that my body is amazing. However, she never does anything about it. I always tell her she is the most beautiful girl I have ever seen, which is how I feel. Despite telling her this, she always thinks that I am only thinking about sex with her at all times of the day. This is far from the truth, I just think about sex when we are about to go to bed at night, to cap off the day. During the day, I am always just extremely happy to hang out with her and just be around her. We have so much fun outside of the bedroom. This connection outside of the bedroom is a big reason as to why am I so obsessed with her in bed. I just feel like making love to the person that I love is amazing. To top it off, she always says it is amazing, I love going down on her, and she almost always orgasms at least once. Am I crazy for hoping to have sex every night to end the day? What concessions should I make to make this relationship stronger? Some other things are that I always take care of her dogs when she's gone, make her food when I am not doing homework or writing, take her out on nice dates when I have money, and just generally do whatever I can to make her happy. The whole relationship is definitely not just about sex. She always says I'm the best thing to happen to her because I am so nice, smart, respectful, handsome, and amazing in bed. Yet, I am always confused by the last quality because she never seems to want to take advantage of it. Feel free to bash me if you see flaws with how I am treating her. I just want to treat her like the amazing woman she is, but I don't know if I am spoiled by the sex life we used to have or what. I have lowered my expectations, but I just feel like she does not care about my needs that much. Should I put my sexual needs on the back-burner and focus on other things?
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drunk, horny, in the mood, money, my ex, oral sex, orgasm, roommate, sex life Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, rolfen  +, writes (15 September 2010):
 Don't worry, people often blame others for what they secretly blame themselves for. It's called projection.
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (13 September 2010):
 Wow! q1605 put it so much better then I could have. I agree 100%.
When you take a women out, it's NOT about how much it cost ( unless you got some materialistic GF and well, then it's your own darn fault). Why not go spend $10 on some yummy stuff, pack a cooler and a blanket for a BEACHSIDE picnic? 10 times more romantic and well, 10 time cheaper.
Talking dirty to a women doesn't work unless that is her "thing" and for most women it isn't. We tend to let it go if we are in the middle of (great) sex, but it's NOT the best foreplay ever.
When she comes home TIRED for a long day at work. Give her a foot rub, a neck massage, cook her dinner, pick up your dirty laundry or do the dishes and I am willing to be she will return the favor in other ways.
Also, holding out a little may not be a bad thing. ;)
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (13 September 2010):
 Dude,you don't realize it, but you are pressuring her. You pressure her after being romantic, buying her dinner, helping her with stuff and all that, but it's still pressure.
Erotism respects the individual ebbs and flows of desire, - and is often elusive,whimsical, based upon novelty, surprise, spontaneity.
I'll give an example I already gave on Dc ,but I can't think of a better one :
I adore dining out, and gourmet foods. You take me to a nice restaurant and put in front of me a nice filet mignon , and I am happy as a lark. BUT, if I knew that I am expected to go out every night for an oysters and champagne meal, day in day out, rain or shine, -I would not be thrilled, I would be dismayed.
Your Gf loves you, and she has a healthy, normal sex drive, even if slightly lower than yours. The difference is not so huge that you can't talk about it and happily meet half way.
Another thing, your observation why can't she just lie down and relax and let you service her, ... it's very naive and very male :). That's performational sex. Prestational sex. Many women are normally orgasmic, yet they don't give a fig about having one orgasm more or less. They want sex if they have time and energy for the whole experience, - the long foreplay, the passionate kisses, the love words,the building up of an "intense" atmosphere ( wild and steamy or tender and romantic according to tastes ). If they are too physically or mentally tired for this, they might as well skip sex altogether.
The only thing you are very right to complain about, I think, is that she teases you; she builds up expectations then she disappoint them. But, from the kind of standard, vaguely 80s, soft porn parliance she uses - I think it's like a game. In a good sense,( not like a mind game ). She knows you dig it, and you find it sexy, and it strokes your ego ,- she does it because you like her being "vixenish " then she forgets about it under the rush and pressures of daily life.
That, you can tell her : please not to promise anything if she is not 100 sure she'll keep her promise.
Both other than that , ...relax , and enjoy your beautiful gf and your every other day encounters ; quality beats quantity hands down !
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 September 2010): From a woman's p.o.v. q1605 has part of it right... talking like that to a girl can be a serious turn-off. BUT we know that it is a turn-on for men, generally speaking. The answer below his has a little more substance to it. I can tell you... what she promises in the morning is probably NOT what she's thinking about when she comes home.
But if it is, she's probably not feeling up to all the hype. Maybe sometimes shortened versions, versions that don't require oral sex, or just a nice slow 15-20 minutes would be enough for her... and more than what your getting right now.
She probably feels like your expecting everything she promised and she can't hold up to it... so she goes into defensive mode and renigs entirely??
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 September 2010): Im sorry but I dont agree with some of the male perstectives. Its certainly not funny when people refer to women as bi-polar. Maybe the person who posted it wants his Bassive Malls kicked.That should get the sarcasm out of him.
Anyway,il tell you wat, cut her some slack. Women dont always feel sexy and that has to do with many reasons. She might be stressed out at work..and also there are certain days in a month when we JUST dont want any sex. Forget sex, even the idea of coming close to a guy is a turn-off. Its all hormones...and PMS is a nightmare. I cant stand even a hug from my boyfriend when im in that phase.
Just let her be.Talk to her normally, dont try anything sexual for a while, and when you feel the time is right, gradually ask her about it...but not now. Maybe she's just generally not a very sexual person. Your sex drives are higher than her's. It has nothing to do with the way you treat her...thats how women should be treated, so ur really not doing her any favours. This might take a while, but let her open up to you. The more you try initiating sex, the more she seems to back away. Stop for a bit and give her some space.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 September 2010): WOW u used to have sex at least three times a day (how did you have time to do anything else?) Now you would like to have sex at least once a night? It is normal for there to be an intense sexual spark in the beginning of the relationship and it is normal for it to taper off. As a woman myself I can say truthfully that sex every night would be far too much for me. In the beginning of the rekationship I'd be more willing because it is all new and exciting...but as time goes on I would want less sex but more connection. Sex later on in the relationship requires much more effort to keep it feeling special and arousing. I agree with q1605 you don't sound as though you are being particularly romantic regarding sex at the moment. And to be fair to you it shouldn't be all on you to do everything, but it seems as though you are the one who is upset by the lack of sex not her :(
Also I'm just curious... if she just wants less sex would you be able to settle for that just to be with her?
If her saying she wants sex then not proceeding makes you feel upset then gently mention it to her. Do you feel as though her sexual remarks are a form sexual teasing where she doesn't deliver?
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (13 September 2010): This sounds like a very honest letter. It expresses what you want, and how you feel, and its not one sided. For these reasons, why don't you let your girlfriend read it? I bet she doesn't really know how you feel, and this letter expresses how you feel and how much you care about her. It will probably give her an opportunity to be honest about how she is feeling too, and that's a good thing. It might sound scary to tell her some of these things as openly as you have expressed in this letter, but you have proabably said a lot of these things to her already. Honesty and openness is the best way to keep your relationship healthy and happy!
Good luck.
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A
female
reader, eternallyinfinite  +, writes (13 September 2010):
Wow, you sound like a pretty decent guy :)
I think you should talk to your girlfriend about your feelings/thoughts. After all, if you don't or can't communicate with each other, your relationship won't work.
Regarding "she says all I think about is sex" - isn't that normal, lol? She should consider herself lucky that she has someone who treats her well. Other guys I know would dump their girlfriends for not satisfying them instead of trying to work things out.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 September 2010): Tell her these things that you told us:
"I just think about sex when we are about to go to bed at night, to cap off the day. During the day, I am always just extremely happy to hang out with her and just be around her. We have so much fun outside of the bedroom. This connection outside of the bedroom is a big reason as to why am I so obsessed with her in bed. I just feel like making love to the person that I love is amazing."
Especially that last part, that's so lovely! It also sounds like you might have a slightly higher sex drive than her, despite what things were like in the beginning, but if you make her feel that your seual connection is an extension of the emotional one for you, I think things will improve. Also if she's gone on/off the pill or changed pills in that time, that could be affecting her drive.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg +, writes (13 September 2010):
 Aw, you are lucky to have her. Please don't ever argue about this. Just say you agree, because men have a sexual part in the brain that's 3 times larger than a female. Nothing to feel ashamed about. Appreciate that there are times she's super horny. Think about it as a bonus that when she's horny you are both available to each other. No more talking and promising about what you are going to do the next day. Women cannot be always on the go. Their hormones fluctuate more, and bubbly during different parts of the day.
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A
female
reader, Miamine  +, writes (13 September 2010):
 mmm..yep her behaviour sounds normal, that's the way we are.. we change our minds often.
Romance her more, take her out more.. and your lucky to get sex every night. Normal relations are just like this, sex all the time at the beginning, then it drops off until it's once a week, or for some unlucky man, it's barely once a month.
I don't think you realise how lucky you are with your sex life. A lot of men would love to be in your place. She doesn't mean to send you crazy, but that how woman's body goes, desire flows and then it stops. Don't make her feel guilty about this or she will think your sex obsessed.
Sorry, but we got all types of issues and hangups and hormones... just go with the flow and don't get angry.
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A
female
reader, BettyBoup +, writes (13 September 2010):
 To me, it sounds like you have an amazing sex life! Let me put things in perspective for you. I would love to have sex every other day! Like you I have a high sex drive,and I could happily have sex 2or 3 times a day, and in an ideal world i would have sex every day once at least. But my partner has a very low sex drive at the moment, and sometimes we go 2 weeks without sex! It's usually once a week.
It sounds like your girlfriend is really into you and does love your sex life, but perhaps she is just feelng tired and dosn't always feel sexual at the end of the day like you do. Everyone is different, and it does't man she doesn't still fancy you etc. It's often true that couple's sex lives will be more frequent at the start and then decease to a happy level over time and indiviual's sex drives flucuate also.
Try to give her some space and stop coming onto her for a little while. You say shedoesn't initiate anymore, maybe its is because she knows that you will always initiate? Give her the chance to come on to you for sex. She'll soon notice you've backed of and will do something about it.
I don't think what you wish for is unreasonble But you have to remember, she is a different person. People are essentially unreliable as they can change their mind and what they want will not always be the same as you. The beauty of a relationship is finding a happy middle ground.
From what you say, it sounds like you have found a pretty good sexual match. Every other day may seem like a hardship when you used to have to up to 8 times a day, but believe me, I think you're pretty lucky! Give her a bit of space and she might well feel more like it in a few days.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (13 September 2010): Ok.. There is a lot here so let's just start with the basics. First, I've been where you are at with almost the exact same thoughts and questions. I get it.. you love having sex with her and want more that you are currently getting. It is fairly natural for things to cool down for whatever reason; sometimes it is about you, and other times it has nothing to do with you; maybe one of the ladies can chime in with some ideas on that. Bottom line for you is you need to go with the flow. Don't give up on the advances, but graciously take the turn downs as they occur; you have no idea what might be driving them and when she tells you all you think about is sex you can acknowledge that it is very important to you, that you really enjoy making love with her because of the way it makes you both feel, and that the physical act does feel great, but the emotional connectedness that occurs from being with her is also something that is just as important to you. Another idea is the next time you guys are going to get it going, stop first and ask her what about making love is the most special to her. Find out what she cherishes about it, and try to focus on that. If she has some answer that talks about the way she feels, ask her if there are other things you do that help her feel that way. Reinforce how important she is to you.I know it is hard not to take the turn down personally, and all you can think about in the big head is what the little head wants at night. You're thinking about the right things, and the right stuff and on a good path, but just calm down a bit and understand that just because she doesn't want to have sex every night doesn't mean she doesn't want you; she just doesn't want you right NOW.If you keep being frustrated about it, try to see if your college campus has an older guy, over 34 or so to talk to about it. Odds are he has experienced the same type of thing and might be able to help you by at least listening to what you have to say.
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A
male
reader, BassiveMalls +, writes (13 September 2010):
 Sounds like a bi-polar case AKA 99% of women. She says she wants something and then when you try to give it to her she is revolted. Have you ever even been around women. Just kidding (kinda).
Some people want sex at different times during the day. She doesn't want it at night, you do, so you gotta compromise. Try to make a move in the evening when you get home and then she how receptive she is.
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