A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I have been in a relationship for seven years now. We live together, am engaged, and I have an eight year old son. However, this relationship lacks so much affection. He has never been the affectionate type, however I like affection. I don't need a constant reminder of if he loves me or not but once in a while would be nice. The last time he said he loved me was about four years ago. The last time he kissed me was about maybe a year ago. He shows love in his own way, I think. But it is really starting to make me feel unloved, unapreciated. There is no talking to him either...just flips out or leaves or whatever. All I ask for is something so small? An hello how was your day today, a hug every once in a while, or you look nice. But no matter how many times I say thats what I need or would like...there is no change. I am guessing there will be no change. I try to compliment him but I have since stopped since I get no compliments in return...help do I leave? My son loves him dearly. I dont know what to do. And he is so wonderful with my son.
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 September 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHello everyone...thanks for the advice that you all have been giving me..it helps. Jimrich however, my son is my #1 priority so please don't make it sound like my son has this hard life because believe me he does not. He is the most happy go lucky kid and he knows he is very much loved. Having a child in this case does make it all the much harder. I think sometimes that if i did not have a son...would I still be here? Counseling sounds like a great idea however, he would never go for it. I know its all up to me to make this life altering decision. But it is nice to know that I am not the only one out ther who is going through this. If so how did you handle it? Thanks everyone!!
A
male
reader, jimrich +, writes (13 September 2010):
re: I have an eight year old son.
.... Well it's too bad for the son 'cos he is the one being damaged by this and he should be your #1 priority. Kids deserve the best home and parenting you can give them.
re: My son loves him dearly. And he is so wonderful with my son. There is no talking to him either...just flips out or leaves or whatever.
....IMO, if he treats you so badly, your son is being trained to do the same and is being DAMAGED by that kind of parental role-model. Your son will most likely take after his dad - do you want that???
If you can't communicate better with your hubs and get what you want in the relationship, your son will definitely notice that his parents are not happy.
You need to do whatever it takes to make sure your son grows up with a healthy attitude and is not damaged by inadequate, faulty parents/parenting.
get into some family counseling or take your son out of that unhealthy environment.
Good luck saving your son from any further damages.
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A
female
reader, Sweet-thing  +, writes (13 September 2010):
 Does he really love you? Or is he in it for the comfort, obligation, companionship?
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A
female
reader, tennisstar88 +, writes (13 September 2010):
 I agree it's sometimes the small things that make all the difference. Although, you got into this relationship knowing he's never been the affectionate type. It seems like he expressed a little bit of affection at first then it died over the years. I'm wondering if he thinks because your getting married all the affection should stop, that's when it really gets good! Sometimes men have tunnel vision and they sometimes need a little nudge towards affection, i.e. us women initiating it. Have you tried kissing him, or telling him you love him, or asked about how his day was? Often, I don't wait for my husband to initiate an "i love you" or "Hi, honey how was your day?", I just go in for the kill. If there's no talking to him and you've tried civilly talking to him, then I would try to be very affectionate towards him, give him a gentle nudge. However, if he continues to alienate you, then I would break off the engagement because your needs aren't being met. Easier said than done, I know and 7 years is hard to throw down the drain. But how long will continue to be unhappy and wanting more when you're not getting it?
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (13 September 2010): I always am amazed when someone says they are unhappy about the person because of the way they have always been. You obviously need something your boyfriend cannot provide, and it appears never has from your description of him never having showed affection. He is the way he is, if you've spoken with him about it and he hasn't changed then likely he will not from you talking to him about it, "one more time", first, he has to want to change. He may not want to. Second, you will want to get a third party involved that is impartial, such as a counselor. Why? Because when a counselor is involved they can tell you and him things that you cannot say to each other without damaging your relationship. For instance, if you say he is an ass he'll just be pissed off. If his best guy friend tells him he treats you poorly, he might be pissed off, but I guarantee he will be more likely to listen. If a counselor, after spending time with both of you, suggests some changes he might be more interested in trying those out. In any case, it is likely he will never be what you want him to be based on the time you've already been together. It is too bad that he is so good for your son, but at the end of the day your son will realize you're unhappy, and wonder if the way he behaves is the norm for the way he needs to treat his wife (so another unhappy life in the making). He won't have any other model to judge from.
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A
female
reader, sunnycomet  +, writes (13 September 2010):
 I'm sorry, this must be painful for you.
Your relationship lacks more then just affection. It lacks communication. That is one of the things you NEED in a relationship. You cannot survive in one without communication.
Try talking one more time to him. Keep calm, don't accuse him, and collect your thoughts about what you are going to say beforehand. For example;
Hi "insert name here",
I feel like we are having some problems in our relationship. I feel like we do not share our feelings like we use to. I also feel like we have problems talking about our feelings. I care for you deeply and want to improve on our relationship.
Or something like that. (Allow him to talk as well and encourage him to talk.) If this does not work then you have two options.
Stay and live with a relationship with no communication and affection
or
Leave and move on for a better future.
It is NEVER black and white and leaving him will not be easy. You will be happier in the long run though.
It's up to you.
Good Luck!
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A
female
reader, WhyLordWhy +, writes (13 September 2010):
 Please leave him now! I had a similar situation, but did not have a child. The lack of affection made me feel really bad about myself. I used to watch TV commercials where people would kiss, and I would cry because I wanted to be treated like that. By the end, he would barely make eye contact with me. It destroyed me. I thought that I could make him open up by being kind to him. It only made him think I was weak. He eventually broke up with me over the phone and I later discovered he got another girl pregnant while we were together. I was so angry, I started running every day. I'm running a marathon next month, I'm in fantastic shape, and I am in a new relationship. Superjerk stopped by the other night, and I enjoyed slamming the door in his face. Try it!
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