A
male
age
36-40,
*ankmoody123
writes:Thank you for reading.I have been with my girlfriend a year and we have had a great time. My family moved away and they have pretty much been family to me. We have done trips and I really have spolit her and we have been to some great places / great times together.We met on a night out a year ago and hit it off. I have been over for Christmas and even sad times like when her nan passed away and I helped with the funeral.On the intimate side, I am the first guy my girlfriend has slept with. She is 22.The problem is, when we met I didn't think I would ever see her again - it was on a night out with friends and she lived an hour away and when she asked me my age I told her I was 24. Really, I am now 31. As the relationship grew, I wanted to tell the truth but I guess I was afraid, I didn't know how it would be taken and I didn't mention it.I went over for supper last night and I thought it strange as I hadn't heard all day from her but her parents opened the door and told me I was not welcome.They said I lied about my age and my gf and they didn't want me here anymore and they closed the door in my face. I drove home and now I don't know what to do.My gf has blocked me on fb and changed her number. I want to say sorry and explain not just to her but to her parents.I had coffee with her friend today and she said I was silly but it's not like I was hiding a secret kid or family from them and it doesn't change who I am, I am still the same person.I have written them a letter with everything in but I don't know what to do - shall I leave it a couple of days and drop it in the door / knock?Do you think she will get in touch when it all cools down?Thank you for reading. I know I was silly.
View related questions:
christmas Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, maverick494  +, writes (1 February 2015):
Lying about your age is a pretty big deal. Look at it this way, if she had been 16 instead of 22 and told you 22 to get you to have sex with her, how would you feel? That would feel like a pretty big deception right? Well, so is this.
And like others said, if you could lie about this for so long, she and her parents will wonder what else you lied about. You broke her trust.
The letter is a good idea. Explain everything you told us. Don't downplay the problem, don't try to patronize her by saying it's just a small thing and isn't a big deal: it is for her.
Just put all the cards out on the table. You told her you were 24 because you were afraid she was gonna turn you down and you didn't think it was gonna lead anywhere anyway. Tell her you know that was wrong, but that was the reason you did it. Then a relationship formed and it became harder and harder to pick a moment to come clean until it became a mountain and you got found out.
It was a big mistake on your part, but you haven't lied about anything else, have you? Well in this case make a point that this is the only lie you told and that you're really sorry about it. Then tell her that you should have let her decide for herself if the age gap was acceptable from the get go, and that you are sorry you took that decision out of her hands through deceit.
Don't push her to meet you or any of that. Just tell her you understand if she doesn't want to see you again and that you'll respect whatever she decides.
If you want to show her that she matters to you, you won't come by or contact her in any other way aside from that letter, unless she contacts you. She has the reigns now.
Good luck but honestly, I think this is probably the end of this relationship. Even if she gives you another chance she'll never trust you the way she did before. Let this be a lesson for you.
A
male
reader, BillyRayValentine +, writes (31 January 2015):
I think she and her family overreacted. Age is just a number. Like how many previous sex partners have you had. Let's say you told her two, she comes to find out a year later you actually had 20? Does that change who she has come to love. Most people would say she is being immature.People on this blog would say in that case she has retroactive jealousy, which I personally believe does not agree exist, it's just not being compatible in those cases.I Would not say she is "age jealousy" if it does not work out you are just not compatible. If I fell in love with a girl and she told me a year later she was 45 and not 40, I would not break up with her, sure we would talk about it, anything else I don't know ect ect. I would almost guarantee she has lied to you about something in the past year about her or her past. Lastly, this is none of her parents business, she is an adult. You apologize, it was wrong, you wish you had just fessed up in the beginning, if she can't deal with this, she won't be able to deal with bigger issues that pop up in all long term relationships.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (31 January 2015): Ive had 2 boyfriends do this to me and it was horrible. Firstly because I wondered what else they were lying about, kids etc and secondly because I felt that they thought I was so stupid that they could make up whatever they wanted to get me to go out with then. In both cases they had a clear lack of respect for me not just with the lying, and yes it was embarrassing because my friends had already figured out they were older but I hadnt. Try contacting her after a week or 2 thats all I can suggest.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 January 2015): Think of it this way: would she have CONSENTED to go out with you and have sex with you knowing the true age gap between you two? If she is the type to put age limits on the people she dates and gets intimate with, and you tricked her and misled her to agree to date you, that is very reminscent of consent achieved through deception. Age might be only a number to you because you're 31 and you want to feel as though she is overreacting and your actions are somehow excusable and reasonable. Let this poor woman move on. This deceit went on for a year - too long.
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (31 January 2015):
 What? You didn't tell her, and still dated her for a YEAR - a whole FRIGGING year?
I can see why her parents weren't keen on you no more. This IS a big lie. YES, you MAY still be the same guy, but seriously, if you LIE about your AGE for a whole YEAR what else did you lie about?
And let's face it you lied to get into her pants. LEAST you could do was be honest when you two hit it off.
Writing this off as "silly" is ridiculous. It says a LOT about you.
I don't agree with your friend that this is a little matter. It has TOTALLY undermined a YEARS relationship.
You can "try" the note thing, but I doubt you will get the response you hope to get.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 January 2015): Alright, I have a few thoughts on this one. Mostly because I am with a guy who's 7 years older than me (we met when I was 21 and he was 28; we've been together for three years).My first question to you is: are you really OK with this age difference? With marrying later and being an older parent (if you choose to have children?) For her to want more fun nights out with friends while you're ready to settle down? If you can HONESTLY say that the age difference doesn't bother you, that's good. Let's move on.The next thing to consider is that while the age difference doesn't bother you, it may bother her, for the exact reasons I listed above.Finally, for my most important point: She's not mad at you for being older. She's mad at you because you lied. She's wondering, what else did he lie about? Has he cheated on me? Does he have a past I don't know about? Etc., etc. Especially because, for the past year, you have managed to refrain from telling her details about the past SIX YEARS of your life. That's a long time. Odds are that lying about your age snowballed into a lot of other lies, too.So, will she come back to you? Maybe. Probably not. A note under her door is a fine idea, and certainly worth a try, but it doesn't mean that she'll accept your apology. Sorry man, but it sounds like you messed this one up...
...............................
A
female
reader, Midnight Shadow +, writes (31 January 2015):
 She may or may not call again. You didn't just knock a couple of years off, you went from 30 to 24. A person of 21 might decide that they won't date anyone more than 3 years older because of the life stage compatibility.
Even though lying about a relationship or child would be more severe, lying about your age is still a pretty big lie and you kept it up for a year! That IS major.
I'd say send the letter, don't turn up. They either read it or don't and that's up to them. You should leave it for a couple of months and move on if you don't hear from her. Don't push it.
...............................
|
